When someone you know catches the stupid.

(And you can't help but roll your eyes).

Have you ever just had a moment in life when someone says something to you or does something and the only thing you can manage to think to yourself is- Have they always been this dumb?!

I had one of those moments Saturday night.

You would have gotten a kick out of me. I swear my sarcasm is reaching a whole new level and I even surprise myself with it sometimes.

You see, Saturday morning/ afternoon my Aunt had asked Momma and I to go to her grandson’s (my cousin) eighth birthday party with her. She just didn’t want to go by herself knowing that it was going to be mostly her ex daughter in laws family. We didn’t think anything about it and went with her.

Cut to Saturday night and we all receive text messages from her son (my cousin) telling us how we “betrayed him” and he was “disowning us.” The only thing that I could think of was- “who in the hell is this?” Because I didn’t have his phone number. Clearly, you can tell how close we are since I didn’t even have his number. 

But yes, he sent all of us messages over and over again (I swear, he’s worse than a chick) telling us that we were horrible people to “betray” him and how we’d have to answer to God. And also, the messages were from him and his wife, because they “are one.” His words, not mine. BARF. 

And then he informed me that he was going to “kick my ass.” 

As soon as I read the message I started busting out laughing and just couldn’t quit. For some reason I thought that was the funniest thing that I had ever heard. He didn’t think me laughing was very funny. And then this happened:

Him: You are a horrible excuse for a cousin and family. You wanna go hang out with my ex and son? You do so. But you’re nothing to me. God help you.

Me: Who is this?

Him: This is your cousin, Bart.

Me: You just said I’m nothing to you, and now I’m your cousin? I think you’re confused.

Him: You know what I mean!! 

Me: Now, what are you crying about?

Him: You spent time with my ex and son. You’re nothing to me.

Me: I’m nothing, again? Damn, glad we got that cleared up. So….. you’re mad that I went to your son’s birthday party?

Him: Yes. You’re spending time with him. God help you.

Me: He’s eight. What could he possibly have been doing that I would require help with? I mean, he had cake, pizza, video games and presents. I’m pretty sure he was low maintenance. 

Him: You know what I mean. You saw my ex.

Me: Well, they don’t usually let eight year olds have their own parties at pizza parlors. Afterall, someone has to pay.

Him: You being a smartass is getting you nowhere.

Me: Are you sure? It’s really done me a lot of good in life.

Him: You’re nothing. You betrayed me.

Me: You’re not important enough to betray.

Him: You are a sorry excuse for a cousin and family.

Me: Umm….. I’m pretty sure that I went to my eight year old COUSINS birthday party and bought him a Nerf gun, and he called me awesome, so I think that means I’m winning. 

Him: We’re done. Never speak to me again. God help you. I’ll pray for you. The only person I need in my life is Nevaeh (that’s his wife). She’s the only one that’s ever been there for me (they’ve broken up and gotten back together more than you could ever count, filed for divorce twice all in the past four years, do nothing but cheat on each other and he’s her sixth husband). We’ll pray for you.

Me: Please don’t, I don’t feel like being struck by lightning anytime soon. 

Him: We are better than you. You’re nothing. You don’t even get to call yourself our family. Traitor.

Me: Traitor, huh? Do traitors get to wear red? I look really good in red.

Him: Go ahead, mask your pain behind sarcasm, it won’t help. You’re never there for anyone, you’re a horrible person.

Me: I was there for your son. On his birthday. Today.  BOOM BITCH.

Him: You are a horrible excuse for a cousin and family. You wanna go hang out with my ex and son? You do so. But you’re nothing to me. God help you.

Me: Did you just copy your first message to me again? Look, I’m going to clear this all up in one message, because I’m trying to eat bbq and drink my beer and watch tv all at once and frankly messaging you is taking WAY too much time.  

Him: Go ahead, you’re nothing to me.

Me: Yeah, I heard you. So, you go right ahead and do what it is you have to do. As far as me being nothing to you? I guess that means that I’ll see you about as much as I do now and you’ll be treating me about the same. And also? Boo f*****g hoo. I will do whatever I f*****g please, because last time I checked I’m grown. You don’t want me to see your son? That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard. You’re allowed to see your own son, it’s only your current wife that can’t, so if you want to see any of your THREE kids, then leave your mutt at home and go see them. 

And thank you for sending God my way for a little help, as soon as I find the salvation that you feel I need, I’ll be sure to send him your way. I wouldn’t want to be stingy. I love that you claim to be a Christian man and now all you do is preach at people. Not to them, but at them. You can think, do and say whatever you please. I don’t give a shit. I refuse to take part in you acting like a 13 year old girl, I didn’t deal with that shit when I was one. You just have a blast with it. I couldn’t care less. 

I betrayed you? Give me a f*****g break. You haven’t been pleasant to me in months, so it’s not like I’m losing anything. I used to look up to you, I thought that you were the best. Now I see that you’re a petty little man who gets pissed that someone would want to be there for your kid. So, you have fun with that. I guess I’ll see you around….. 

Oh yeah, that’s right, no I won’t. Damn, how will I ever be able to recover? How will I move on? I guess I’ll figure it out, maybe Jesus can help me with that since you’re putting a good word in for me with God. Thanks for the prayers, I can never have too many. But make sure you don’t tell God what all you said about Nevaeh the last time you broke up, I wouldn’t want him to be angry and not help us out. Afterall, you can only call someone a **** so many times before God starts reevaluating the situation. 

I hope it all works out for the best. I’m not even going to explain to you that I went for your kid and no one else, but I don’t have to give you an explanation for why I wanted to be at my little cousins’ birthday party. I guess this is goodbye (or at least I surely hope it is, because I cannot handle your winy ass). I’ll let you go, make sure to wear a helmet for when you fall off of that f*****g pedestal. I wouldn’t want you to get injured; lord knows you’ve had your ass kicked enough. Bye.

Him: ….. Yeah, well, you’re nothing.

Me: You again? I thought I was rid of you. Go clean your vagina or something, I’m too busy to listen you. 

Him: I’m more man than any guy that you’ve ever been with. 

Me: Just the fact that you’re biologically my cousin and you’re comparing yourself to any of the guys that I’ve been with is disgusting.

Him: That’s not what I meant!!!

Me: Don’t care. You said it. Gross.

Him: ….. 

Me: Yeah, I know, I’m nothing. Blah, blah, BYE. 

Him: Don’t ever text me again.

Me: I’M A REBEL, BITCH!!!!!

And that was the end of it. I swear, if I had known what a winy little girl he was, I would have disowned him forever ago. The hilarious part is that he just avoids me now and has told everyone that he’s no longer related to any of us. 

I've never been so lucky.

Walton Goggins is amazing. That's why.

(And also- Timothy Olyphant).

I know that I'm extremely late to the party, but have you guys heard about that show- Justified?! It just wrapped up its six season run sometime in 2015 and here I am thinking- I should buy all of those dvds and get into this show. I know, I know. But in my defense, I've always meant to watch it and have just never gotten the opportunity.

Maybe now is that time?

Most people that are around me for any amount of time have heard me talk about the actor- Walton Goggins. In my humble opinion the man is a genius and why he has not received more attention until recently (being in two Quentin Tarantino films) is beyond me. My favorite character that he has ever brought to life would have to be hands down- Venus van Dam. In the six episodes of Sons of Anarchy that he was in, Goggins brought more life and depth to that character than what many people can bring to any character that they play for an entire series.

Between that southern drawl and charismatic tone it's clear that Goggins is a force to be reckoned with. As with many people from the South (I wasn't born in the South, but I was raised there and lived there almost my entire life) he has been typecast into the roles of "rednecks" and "racists." Let me tell you something- I would never say that the South doesn't have racists, but not everyone is like that. In fact, most of the people aren't. Being Southern doesn't make you racist, being a shitty person is what does that. And clearly people like that need no help in being the shitty people that they are. Goggins isn't a "Southern" actor; he is an actor that just so happens to be from the South.

And now that I have read about Justified I think it's about time to give his most famous role of Boyd Crowder (I'm already in love with that name) a go. While I don't know if the character of Boyd will ever outdo the character of Venus (for me), I think that it just might make me love his work a bit more (if that's even possible). And if for nothing else, then just for character lines like this:

• Boyd (to Ava): "Damn woman, you only shoot people when they're eatin' supper?!"
• Raylan: "Give me one reason that I shouldn't come up there and kick the living shit out of you?" Boyd: "I'll give you fifteen reasons in the mag and one in the chamber."
• Ava: "Damn baby, what happened to your face?" Boyd: "I do not play well with others."
• ATF Agent: "Did she screw all of your relatives or just you two?" Boyd: "Now sir, I know you have an investigation to conduct, but if you disrespect Ava one more time, I'm gonna come across this table."
• Boyd (to Raylen): "You're talkin' to a man who's sleeping with his dead brother's widow and murderess, so if you're lookin' for someone to cast stones at you in this matter, I think you've picked the wrong sinner."
• Boyd (to Raylen): "That's what assholes do Raylen; they get old and die from being assholes."
• Boyd (to Raylen): "I look good wearing a lot of things, but a wire ain't one of them."

And my personal favorite from Boyd: "I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a low-flying duck."

Oh, Walton.

The randomness that is my existence.

(I have nothing of substance to share).

It's currently 16° outside right now which considering that the day before yesterday when I came to work (I usually leave the house a little bit before 6:00 am) it was 1° isn't really all that bad. I'm not sure how the weather is supposed to go from here on out, because I don't pay too much attention to the weather/ news of today. I know that I really should, but let's be honest with each other- the easiest way to get depressed these days is to watch the news.

But with all of that aside, things have been fairly..... dare I say it..... quiet. There's the usual fuss that always seems to be happening within a family (and I got to say I'm beyond happy that it's not in our house), but for the most part there's just alot of hanging out, staying in, watching tv and eating yummy food. I haven't got to partake in too much of the yumminess that is food in about a week, because the "Winter Stomach Bug" finally caught up with me (I was hopeful that it would skip over me this year- alas, it is not so), but luckily I haven't been "deathly ill" or anything, just don't seem to have a hearty appetite as of yet. Don't worry about me though, my appetite ALWAYS comes back.

A friend of mine (I guess? I think I call her a friend even though we don't know each other back and forth yet) was texting me yesterday evening and in the midst of our conversation she suggested that her and I (and probably Momma and Tayder) should have a movie night. She wasn't sure what I had seen out of Redbox though, but mentioned that she really wanted to give the new Mad Max (Fury Road) a go. I let her know that I had already seen it and actually own it. Her reply was- "Oh, well since you've already seen it then I guess....." And I had to stop her right there, because I had to say- "Dude, I only told you that so you wouldn't rent it, not because I don't want to watch it again- I meant we could just watch my copy." And she made sure that I didn't mind seeing it again and the only thing that I could think of was-

"IT HAS IMPERATOR FURIOSA AND IMMORTAN JOE AND WAR RIGS AND TOM HARDY IS AMAZING AND JOE'S BREEDING WIVES (WHICH SOUNDS DISGUSTING AND TOTALLY IS) AND NICHOLAS HOULT'S CHARACTER IS SUCH A CRAZY DUDE AND OMG WE NEED TO WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY."

Because you know, I wouldn't be dramatic or anything like that. We haven't decided exactly which night we will share in the epicness that is Fury Road, but she's informed me that she's free this Friday and next week and while we usually run errands on Fridays, it never takes more than a couple of hours so it just may be tomorrow night. And maybe we'll have Taco Bell for dinner (wine too, but that's a given). We'll see about it though.

Also, I talked her into giving Bates Motel a try. She won't be disappointed.

All I know is that Momma, Tayder and I have been snuggling down this last week (it's cold and gross out) and I'm completely over this snow and ice (I was over it before it even began). And I know that this Winter hasn't been as hard on us as it has other places (even my loving Tennessee has received quite a bit of snow- which is kind of unheard of- this year), but that doesn't keep me from longing for chilly yet no snow, ice, rain or sleet days. I don't mind the chilly weather, it's all the crap that comes with it that I dislike.

Winter is hard.

Because we were in cahoots.

(This happened the day before New Years Eve and I'm just now getting around to tell you about it..... Oops?!).

Remember when I told you that my cousin Ashley wanted to set me up on a date with a guy that she worked with? And my reaction was all- "hell no, you're smoking crack rock and there's nothing that you can say or do to make me change my mind." Yeah well, cut to a week later with round the clock incessant bothering and I finally caved and was like- "I'll go if you agree to never talk to me again."

We decided that it would be a double date since neither of us had ever met each other (and I'm convinced that everybody is a secret serial killer). The good news is me and dude liked each other enough to be friendly, but not enough to actually date. Plus, I got pizza, onion rings and beer, so all is fair in love and war..... Right?!

His opinion on me: "She's cute and very sweet..... And also, VERY opinionated." Why yes dude, I am very opinionated. Thank you so much for noticing. It just comes naturally to me.

My opinion on him: "He's nice and has pretty teeth..... And also, I think he would rather have a boyfriend." Which is completely and 100% fine, I just think it's sad that there are still so many people that are hateful out there that people feel like they have to hide their true selves.

Now I know that I hate dating for a fact (I was pretty sure that I did, but needed to confirm it) and Ashley leaves us both alone. All in all, I think dude and I totally win. Here's looking at you, kid.

I'm one of those people.

(I'm sad about Alan Rickman).

And just because I am sad about him doesn't mean that I care less about any other person. People seem to think that if you're sad about one thing or share something on social media or talk about it, then you are automatically against a whole other group of people. And I'm sorry, but that's simply not the case. Quit being a hater and thinking everybody is against everything else just because they talk about one thing or another. It's not at all related and you need to just quit it.

Now, with that being said, I say this:

Severus Snape. Hans Gruber. The Sheriff of Nottingham. Metatron. Dr. Lazarus. Colonel Brandon. Judge Turpin. Absolem the Caterpillar. Harry.

Whichever name you knew him by, there was no denying the mans talent. No matter which role he was playing, he gave it his all. And with that incredibly distinct voice, there was no mistaking him. He brought life to so many characters and was an absolute delight to watch. I should know, I grew up watching the man. It all started when I was three and watched- Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for the very first time. And then it quickly jumped to Sense and Sensibility when I was five. Somewhere in the next few years I saw Die Hard for the very first time, but nothing compared to the year 2001 and I saw him in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I was eleven at the time and my friend Amanda's Pa took us to see the very first movie (there are eight in total) in our little town theater. Of course, we were late to the party so there was only us in the theater and we loved it that much more. As soon as Alan Rickman stepped onto that screen you knew that shit just got real. And it just continued from there.

"I've never been able to plan my life. I just lurch from indecision to indecision." -Alan Rickman.

And to that I say: Thank you, Alan Rickman. You are a chunk of my childhood and a wonderful performer. You will be greatly missed.

Because the Backstreet Boys wanted it that way.

(I watched the movie- Magic Mike XXL).

Don't be a hater. You might think that you're above watching something like this, but I'm going to go ahead and tell you- you're not. This movie is full of hilarity and if you don't think so then you know nothing Jon Snow. And if you don't believe me then all you would have to do is watch this video of Joe Manganiello. But even though the video is hilarious, you're going to want to watch the whole movie for the full effect and, well, just watch this hilarity ensue right here and if that doesn't convince you then I don't know what will.

See what I mean?! Hilarious. Basically, if you know nothing about these movies (this is the sequel) then I can recap it for you. "A bunch of good looking guys live the normal lives of hard party boys and at night they strip (and do really impressive dance sequences) for monetary gain. And when I say "impressive dance sequences" I am being for real. If I could move like any of those guys I would probably be able to pick up yoga (which is an aspiration, but not enough of one for me to actually step up to the plate and take a swing at it).

Starring: Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Matt Bomer, Kevin Nash, Adam Rodriguez, Gabriel Iglesias, Jada Pinkett- Smith, Amber Heard and Andie McDowell (with a special appearance by Michael Strahan that actually made me blush). And then there's little cameos here and there that you realize throughout and you're like- "Is that Elizabeth Banks?!" and it totally is Elizabeth Banks being a super sassy ball of fun..... and apparently kind of wants to also make out with Jada Pinkett, but whatever, no hate around these parts. I just can't say this enough:

Watch it. 

Hello- it's me..... Coming from the frozen side.....

(Current mood: You've got to be effing kidding me).

I want a burrito and a bottle of wine.

We're eleven days into this new year (2016) and I have to say that I'm thoroughly unimpressed so far. I mean, nothing bad has happened (if you don't think my furnace going out the coldest night of this season so far is bad- I'll get to that in a minute) and it's been perfectly fine thus far, but basically any year that doesn't resurrect Heath Ledger and make him my boyfriend (we are extremely committed to each other, but neither of us likes the idea of "marriage") is pretty much a disappointment to me.

Things have been incredibly cold around these parts lately. If you're wondering what I mean by incredibly cold- it was seven degrees outside this morning when I ventured off to work. Seven. Like, single digit. And while that might not seem cold to some, like the states that are currently dealing with -28 degree temperatures, to me, it's effing cold. We have a few inches of snow and at least an inch if not more of ice below that. Oh, and our furnace went out Saturday night. Yes, instead of the chilly yet livable nights that it could have went out and been fixed before the ice storm, it chose Saturday. Which was about 10 degrees, so you know, fun for the whole family.

Luckily, I managed to figure out how to reset it to keep it semi-decent until this morning where it then crapped completely out and our house was about 35 degrees. I tried calling my landlords "emergency maintenance" line from Saturday until this morning and you'll be happy to learn that apparently "emergency maintenance" line means "we don't return phone calls and really mean nothing at all" lines. If you can't tell, they never returned my call. But after two fairly bitchy calls to my actual landlords office, they came and fixed our heat. And from what I hear, Tayder is very happy about it.

Other than that I really have no other news. We're all trying to avoid more snow and if you're like me then you're handling this all like "Winter Katie"- there's basically a whole lot of staying in the house, drinking wine, eating burritos and watching Netflix. Which coincidentally is just like "Spring/ Summer/ Fall Katie." Such a glamorous life that I lead. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to hit publish on this, go microwave a burrito and Momma and I are going to embark on the cinematic adventure that is- Magic Mike XXL. Because watching Channing Tatum dance is amazing (just check out him and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum on LSB- it's fantastic!!).

And also, two words- Joe. Manganiello.

Stay warm out there, folks!! 

She had the best laugh.

(This is Lorrie and Mrs. Pauline. And they're great ladies).

Lorrie is a friend of mine from Tennessee. I took care of her mother (Mrs. Pauline) for quite a few years and Lorrie and I became fast friends. Afterall, you can only spend so much time with someone before you either love them or hate their guts. Lucky for me, they're fantastic people and it ended up being love for us.

Anyone that has ever met either of those ladies and doesn't love them dearly has some serious problems. Honestly, if anyone has a problem with them in any sense of the word, it is strictly their own fault, because you will never meet a sweeter pair of friends. I'm honored to call them my friends and am beyond lucky to have them in my life.

During our time spent together there were happy times (no one around gave better hugs or kisses), there were funny times (she's the only woman alive that I've wrestled a "gator" for), there were sad times (every now and then the dementia took hold) and there were terrifying times (like the time that she was diagnosed with pneumonia and was sick for weeks upon weeks). But through it all, they came out the other side just as sweet and lovable as they have always been. I think it's just in their nature. I guess what I'm trying to say and just haven't came out and actually said it is-

I love them. They're my family. Not by blood, but by love and choice.

This morning I got a message from Lorrie informing me that Mrs. Pauline had passed. And I cried. How do you not when it's someone you love?

No matter how many times that I've had to deal with this sort of thing in my life, no matter how many times that I've had to say goodbye to family, friends, loved ones, patients it just never gets any easier. There's nothing that makes it easier. We learn to go on, but that doesn't mean that we learn to "move on." We just learn how to carry it with us through memories and love.

Therefore, to that I say:

Sometimes you meet people and they become your family; it's not all about being related by blood, but about how much you care and love each other. And then sometimes in life people that you love don't get to stay with you..... Even though you want them to. This little lady right here? I love her. She's the only woman that I would "wrestle a gator" for. And her daughter? I love her just as much. They are my family- not blood related, but through love. I'm going to miss you Mrs. Pauline- and I'll love you forever. And Lorrie- I love you too!! If you need me, I'm here.

Love, your little Katie.

Only we would have this ridiculous conversation.

(Sometimes friends have weird ass real talk).

B. Davis and I have a very odd relationship. There are times that we won't talk for days (sometimes weeks- once, a couple of years), but we feel plenty comfortable in our relationship to text each other the most random things. Most friends do this, so you wouldn't put too much thought into it.

But then again, we aren't "most friends." One of us can begin in the middle of a conversation that never happened and the other one will still know exactly what she's talking about. In other words, we're both bat shit crazy and it's no wonder that people can only deal with us in random spurts.

The above conversation happened after I seen the theatrical trailers for the newest (and final) Hunger Games movie- Mockingjay: Part II. And "Peeta" is reference to the character played by Josh Hutcherson while "Gale" is played by Liam Hemsworth. Yes, one of those beautiful elusive creatures known as a Hemsworth brother.

Don't get me wrong, I love them both (great actors). But like I said- he has WAY better hair than I do. And I don't need that kind of negativity (unless he wants me to cuddle with his dog and teach me how to surf). Also, it's pretend, so maybe don't go into a giant tizzy (which is what some people do, I think they're called "fan girls" or something).

I sent her the first text (without anything leading up to it) and she just went with it. That's love. 

Back to the ole salt mills today.

(Or something dramatic like that).

I just had 3 1/2 days off in a row and I'm not going to lie- it felt pretty damn good. Just a laid back weekend (with an extra 1 1/2 days that is) filled with nothing, but relaxation and food and family. And also cleaning, but that's hardly fun; it's more like a necessary bypass in life.

What did I do on my extra long weekend? Well, a whole lot of random things. Nothing big, nothing small, just basically whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I was a little down a couple of the days, this cold just doesn't seem to want to let go of me, but that's what cold meds and Netflix are for. Right?!

That's what I'm going with.

Solae stayed the weekend (she goes back to school tomorrow) and Momma and I stayed in and I watched alot of Netflix (don't worry, we also cleaned and went out into public with other human beings- against my will- but it's too damn cold to be traipsing around everywhere) and drank alot of wine and hot damn. And yes, I drank alcohol while taking my cold and allergy meds, because I'm a rebel and I like to live dangerously (insert Austin Powers pun here- and if you don't get that, we can't be friends).

And with that my friends, I bid you ado. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch my newest obsession (thanks Netflix)- Bates Motel.