Thursday, October 30, 2014

I'm pretty sure that I am the absolute WORST at being a girl.

I have this thing where I go over everything in my head and I over analyze anything that I come into contact with. My conclusion to the fact that I am the absolute WORST at being a girl is no different. I feel like this is a true fact. I came to this realization somewhere between putting on my sweatpants/ butler bulldogs tee shirt and then going to my aunt/uncle's house to eat pizza and drink beer.

I know, I know, carbs and alcohol, SAY WHAT?! But I'm a rebel like that. My pants hate me for it.

Between reading through my favorite blogs, checking out random sites, and talking to people that I grew up with, it's enough to make you feel like you took a detour at the wrong crossroad. Most of them are in meaningful relationships, either married or on the verge. Most with children and some have even been with their significant others for years upon years. WE'RE TALKING SANDBOX LOVE, PEOPLE! And yet I'm just over here all- look at how cute my dog is!!

Now, being the type of person that I am, none of this usually bothers me, but every once in a great while I'll feel a ting of the green-eyed monster creeping up my back. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to be married, and at the possibility of sounding like a horrible person, I don't want children. At least not ones to call my own. Neither of those two things have ever been a priority of mine. I love my independence and at the risk of sounding selfish, don't feel like I should have to have children to live up to some other persons standard of my happiness. But that's just one girls opinion on the matter. 

I hate drama. And I truly mean that from the bottom depth of my soul. I'm always here to listen to a friend/family member vent about their problems, but I don't voluntarily go in search of it. I rather like my peaceful, little existence and don't see the point in complicating things. Oh, having trouble with your cheating/unappreciative/psychotic/paranoid significant other? Well, let's not do the rash thing and break up with them so you can find happiness in the future. No, let's stick it out for another three or four years so that when the unavoidable implosion that is our lives comes to a head it's all that more ugly, emotional, and terrible. Makes alot of sense, huh? No.

I don't curl my hair and wear make-up every single day. I hardly even get out of sweatpants, loose tee shirts, or cotton shorts on weekends. Monday through Fridays {except on the days that the sun has smiled upon me and we don't have work on one of those days} I usually make myself acceptable looking. But then I have days like today where I felt that my morning time was better spent standing under hot water in the shower. And then I look like I do right now. No make-up sans for the leftover eyeliner from yesterday, and a messy version of hair that's so bad it can't even be considered a "messy bun". No, it's just it's very own mess. I didn't even fully brush it, because it just wasn't happening.

Also, I do not own a copy of the movie The Notebook. I know, if none of the other things got me, that one definitely will.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I'm living in the surreal house.

When I decided to uproot my entire life and move to Indiana I had some things going on that felt like they needed dealt with. My way of dealing with them? Saying- the hell with this!! And moving on. So, I did just that. And it worked. But it still feels a bit surreal to me. It's been two years this month, and for some strange reason it doesn't feel like I'm actually living here to me.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to be surrounded by family and for things to be more offset than they have been in a very long time, but still, there's something. Something that I just can't quite put my finger on. You would think after two years that it would be pretty well sunken in, but it's just not. It still feels off or something.

Maybe it's because I keep waking up expecting to walk outside and see a back road instead of a busy one. Maybe it's because I keep expecting to run into an old friend of mine at the gas station, that is inevitably never there. Maybe it's because I still expect to get out of bed, put on a pair of scrubs and head off to help someone ready for their third dialysis appointment of the week. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm happy here. I'm content. I love my peaceful, little, undramatic existence. And I love the fact that I get to spend so much time with my mother, brother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I love that Momma and I have a little apartment that we can call our own, and that Tayder is still lugging around and giving me snuggles when I need them.

But it's weird. It's weird going to a job completely out of my element. It's weird writing letters or sending text messages instead of seeing my friends. It's weird not having Grammy to talk to about stories that only a grandmother knows and to give me a hug. It's strange to me that all of this still hasn't sunk in for me.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have my memories here. I mean, I have a few from when I was a little girl, but for the most part I was raised far away. I had my own friends, my own way I handled things, and I grew up in a way that others wouldn't necessarily find proper. And I love that. I love that I got to grow up somewhere that allowed me to form and find my own sense of self. I love the person that I am.

I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst by any means. When I love, I love with my whole heart. And when something makes me sad, I cry real tears. When I'm happy, I laugh, and sometimes I just can't quit. When I'm mad, I say why I'm mad out loud, and I don't sugar coat any of it. I have no filter and if i think it or feel it, you can pretty well guarantee that the world will soon know about it too.

And it's just me. It's just who I am. and right now, it just so happens that everything feels a little off key for me. But, it's ok, because it will all be figured out soon enough. Sometimes it just takes my mind a few extra minutes to catch up as opposed to the rest of me. Afterall, it's still trying to get used to these Indiana winters.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking.

Confession? I'm 24 years old, and I still watch, and I'm totally in love with Disney movies. I could watch them everyday. I've noticed that the Disney movies form when I was little were a lot darker than they are now {I'm looking at you Hunchback of Notre Dame}, and they're still my go to. Who doesn't love a story about a princess finding her one true love and living happily ever after, right? With that being said, I think you should know that Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie and Belle is my favorite princess. And here are just a few reasons why.

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?" 


I identify with the Belle the most.
  • She was always such a book worm. 
  • She wanted adventure. And lived in kind of a fantasy world.
  • She wanted that all consuming feeling.
  • She was stubborn and strong willed.
  • She always rooted for the "underdog".
  • She tried to see the best in people. But sometimes you just can't, because even if you want to see the best in them, doesn't necessarily mean that there is good in them. Some people are just bad people.
  • She loved her parent. I mean, hers was her dad, and mine is my mom, but you get the idea.
  • The girl loved a good ole hug. 
  • Pink roses are my absolute favorite. {Shh...don't tell}.
  • She tried to get along with everyone. Plus, you know, brown hair.
Beauty and the Beast has some of the best lines ever.
  • Beast: I want to do something for her... but what? Cogsworth: : Well, there's the usual things: flowers... chocolates... promises you don't intend to keep.
  • Gaston: Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking. Lefou: A dangerous pastime. Gaston: I know.
  • Lumiere: Voila! Oh, you look so... so... Beast: Stupid. Lumiere: Not quite the word I was looking for, but perhaps a - little more off the top.


  • Cogsworth: Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Cogsworth: 'Serve him tea. Sit in the master's chair. Pet the pooch!' Lumiere: I was trying to be hospitable.
THIS DRESS.


NO, SERIOUSLY. THIS DRESS.


And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Friday, October 17, 2014

This is my own private domicile.

I know that I've been talking about this whole moving thing for a few weeks now, but it's a process and sometimes it takes a village. And by a village I mean after the Saturday of my brother, two cousins, and aunt helping us move, we've been kind of on our own. Which is kind of great. I think there are times when we forget that we now have our own place, like we're still walking on eggshells, but at night when it's real quiet and we're unpacking things, or setting up, or just watching TV, we get it. It's completely clear. We're on our own. Just me, Momma, and Tayder.

I'm trying to convince Danielle to cross-stitch this for me, so I can hang it in our apartment. Immediately.
Do you know how long that it's been since I've said that? Let's just say, awhile. A long while. It was just the three of us for awhile when I was 15/16, but then Noodle came along, and then Grammy came to live with us, and we've had friends/family live with us on and off for awhile. Then it was just us for 1.5 days in Tennessee before the family came down to move us up to Indy. Then it was almost two years of living with my two uncles and little cousin {which you already know}. But now it's just us three again. And I think that we're adjusting well.

There are still a few things that we need to get:
  • Curtains
  • Ice cube trays (I know, right?)
  • Toaster
  • Blu-ray player
  • Picture frames
  • Big skillet
And so on and so forth, but you know, all in due time. It's all a process, and it's a process that we're ok with. I've met a few of our neighbors, and so far they're all very nice. The two guys that live across from us even helped us (me, Momma, and Aunt Poot) carry in our couch when they seen us struggling. Thanks, guys!! I owe you one. One woman has a 135 pound American bulldog and she's very pleasant to talk to. And yes, that surprises me, because that is a rare quality in people these days. The people upstairs are nice, but I'm pretty sure that they never sleep. They're not disruptive or anything, but you know how you just notice little things sometimes? Anyways, they all seem fairly nice and we all just mind our own business. And that's the way we all like it.

One of the biggest perks about it is we can do whatever we want, when we want, without it bothering and/or inconveniencing anyone else. So today, I get off of work about two hours early and we gotta go do laundry, do a little shopping, and then we'll probably go home, and I'll commence to drinking an entire bottle of wine and watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier. You say boring, I say relaxing. And since it's the weekend, I say- Cheers, bitches! {In my very best Jesse Pinkman voice}.  

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

#Movingishard

Don't you just love that you can literally hashtag anything these days? No? Just me? Whatevs, I love it. So, as most of you know, Momma and I recently moved into our own apartment after living with my two uncles and little cousin for going on two years. And while that was fun {to begin with, but then one uncle became increasingly grumpy, and the kid turned into a teenager aka- jerk}, it's very nice to have our own place again. But I have made a discovery.

We've moved a million {figuratively} times in my life, and we always kind of liked to say that we considered ourselves nomads. It always made us sound cool, you know, to us. But now we have discovered that we detest moving, because it's hard, and if I'm being perfectly honest, neither one of us is getting any younger. Thank goodness that we had family that helped out with the whole process, but there are certain things that you kind of just have to do. We like to refer to it as- Lone Rangering it. Basically because, I love the new Lone Ranger movie. Yeah, I said it, WHAT ABOUT IT?!! That was a great movie and you know it. Sorry, back to the actual point.

I put in to have off yesterday like a month ago {before we knew we were moving- it all happened so fast}, but it just all kind of worked out, so I've just come off of a three day weekend. Don't worry, it wasn't as glamorous as it sounds. It was a whole lot of unpacking, putting up, arranging, then re-arranging, putting together furniture, and on and on and on. It's been really hard, but it's also been amazing to have our own space again. Tayder is loving it to.

Also, we finally have cable, and not only did I get to catch up on my Sons of Anarchy and Chicago PD watching {Thank you, Demand}, but we got to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter and like five episodes of Wahlburgers, which makes me happy, because Donnie Wahlberg is AMAZING. And I finally learned who sings the song- Classic, and I can't quit singing it, because it's awesome. Just listen to it you're welcome.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

My anxiety levels are jumping through the roof.

Remember last week when I said that I was moving? Remember how I said that I was really excited and that this was going to be such a great experience? Remember before that how I said that it was just time for Momma and I to move on? Well, all of that still applies. Having our stuff back is great. Having our own space is great. And frankly, just having our own place is great.

BUT that doesn't make the moving process any easier. Let's be honest, moving sucks balls. And not tennis ones either. we all know what I mean. We've moved a million times in my lifetime, and every time we do it sucks just a little bit more. Now, I'm fairly certain that they're just going to have to get used to me, because I have the plan of just dying there. The thought of moving again just makes me want to bust out in tears. Right now I'm so tired that I'm reminded of the time that I got so drunk sick that they put me in the shower {fully clothed} and then I had to wear Corey's clothes. Not because I didn't have dry clothes, but because I insisted on having his. He obliged.


But I digress. I've been sleeping in Momma's room, because my room is full of boxes/totes and a bunch of random stuff, because unpacking is a bitch. Remember, we haven't had anything besides some of our clothes out of storage in two years. And I'm pretty sure that most of this stuff isn't even ours. Seriously, you laugh, but I don't remember owning half of this stuff. And we don't get cable until Thursday, So I'll be missing this weeks episode of SOA. But it's ok, I'll live. I also have a gigantic list of things that we have to get. WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAA(!!!!!!!!!!)

I don't mean to complain, because having our own place is full of FANTASTICAL things. Like the fact that I can wash my walls at 11:00 at night, and I can make cupcakes anytime that I want. Which I'll probably do this evening. I can set out as many pictures as I want, of whoever I want. Plus, our shower? Yes, please. Our apartment is small, but it's all ours. But we still have a never ending plethora of things to unpack. Seriously, it's bad. And I want to cry. And my anxiety levels are impossible to deal with. And I don't have a hairdryer. But that's whatever. I took off this coming up Monday {like a month before i knew that we were moving- just a lucky coincidence}, so I'll have Saturday-Monday to deal with it all. But to make me feel better until then, I'll just continue to watch this video of Alfonso Rivera do "The Carlton".


By the way, I'll do a whole post about our new place complete with pictures when I can possibly get around to it. Like I said, it's a process. But I just wanted to check in to tell y'all that even though I've been absent from class, that I still exist, and that I haven't been kidnapped by the Orcs or anything. Oh, and Noodle is supposed to be sending me some of our old pictures. Yay.

I'm really not complaining, I love having our own place(!!!!!!!)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

It must be something in the air.

Ok, so I have something to tell y'all. Remember a couple weeks ago when I was talking about Walt Disney, but I wasn't really talking about Walt Disney? I was basically talking about "the next step", but I was being incredibly vague, because it's just more fun, and also I didn't want to jinx anything. Well, it seems like everybody else has been doing these posts lately, I guess I'll just join in:

We're moving.

I know, I know. Y'all are incredibly excited for me. Thank you. Now, I'm not moving out of state, or to be closer to my guy {I don't have one}, but I am moving. Momma and I have been apartment hunting for awhile now, and we found one that we kind of fell for. It's set back a little bit so it feels like you have more of nature around you. It's under new management/owners and has been getting improvements made for about a year now. The one we were looking at is a little 2 br/1 ba, with a living room, dining room, kitchen, and decent size closets. Some say small, we say cozy and less to clean. The compound {Does that sound too cult-y?}, ok complex, also has laundry areas, a gym, indoor/outdoor pools, jacuzzi, and daycare. It seems pretty awesome.

Well, yesterday I got the call. We got the apartment. That's right, it's all ours. And we get to move in Saturday. THIS Saturday. The nice lady is calling me back today to fill me in on all of the details, but it's definitely ours!! It's been a long two years. It's hard not being able to have your own space and all of your stuff {excluding clothes} in a storage unit. But now that's not gonna be a problem. Because I am now {What do they call you when you sign a lease instead of buy a home? leaser?} a tenant. Thank you, thank you. Now we just have to pack the things we do have at Uncle Kenny and Jim's house, get all of the details for the apartment, get everything turned on, buy the things we need, get groceries, ask for help, and you know, actually do the MOVING part. Wish me luck.
Get my dream bedspread here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

What better way to start the tenth month?

So, y'all remember when I read The Fault In Our Stars and then talked about it a bunch of times? I told y'all that I was debating on watching the movie, because I loved the book so much; and let's all be honest for a minute, we all know how disappointing it can be when one of our favorite books gets made into a movie or TV series, and completely ruins it. It's happened more than once. {**coughcough you know what I mean coughcough**}. But last night I finally gave in and watched the movie. In the privacy of my uncles home, because I got a tad bit emotional and I don't need everyone in society knowing that I have feelings. Ain't nobody got time for that. Now, the real question is: Did I like the movie version of the book that I find amazing?

The answer to that is: Yes. Yes, I did. I know that a lot of people were all- they left out parts of the book, and I don't like the guy that plays Augustus Waters, and blah, blah blah. To those people I say- Hush with your tomfoolery and malarkey. The movie was already two hours long, and I know that there were parts missing, but honestly, come on, quit being such a dilhole. And as far as Augustus Waters {Ansel Elgort}, that guy was amazing. How do y'all not love him? He's so adorable and I just want to pinch his little cheeks all the time. My feelings as I was watching it? SO MANY EMOTIONS. I loved it and I'll be watching it many more times in the future as well as reading the book. A bunch.