Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The best line of the week on a Sunday.

I was having a conversation Sunday evening and something was said (not by me for once) that was quite possibly the funniest thing that I've heard in a long time. And I'm really not sure if it was actually that funny or if the image of him saying it in my mind was just that funny, but here it is Tuesday and it still makes me chuckle. Also, I would like the world to start using the word "chuckle" on a daily basis again. You know, with the assumption that at one point or another people did use it on a daily basis. Thank you. I knew you would understand. Anyways, we were discussing work and his boss being stuck in Texas when he threw this one out there.

Katie: Why is she still all over you? Isn't she stuck in Texas or something?
To which he replied...
Yuki: I've been to Texas, it's hell on earth. It's where she feels most at home.

It kind of reminded me of this:

And that ladies and gentlemen, is what you call a BURN.
(By the way, nobody from Texas be offended by this, we were strictly talking because of the heat. And I'm assuming if you're not accustomed to Texas heat, it's exhausting.)

Thursday, January 22, 2015

You know what I mean.

I have always been a fairly outspoken person. I don't have much of a filter and what little bit of one that I do have tends to fall by the wayside far more often than not. I pretty much just say exactly what's on my mind, whenever it enters my mind, and don't candy coat or skate around things. Some call it a gift, others call it tacky. You say: potato. I say: hey, look something shiny.

Every now and then though I'll try to watch what I say. Not out of fear of making someone mad, but just for the plain fact that I remember that I'm an adult and throwing myself onto the ground while wailing hysterics isn't exactly the best way to go about things. Although, it can be very effective....so I hear. I wouldn't really know though, because I get bored very quickly.

Other times you can say one thing and your friend automatically knows what you "really" mean. In other words, I can say one thing and Erica knows the (sub)textual conversation that we're actually having. And vice versa. You want a few examples? What am I saying? Of course you do.

Erica to Katie: How are things? So....have you talked to Bennett? How is he?
Translation: If you've seen him naked yet, I want to know all about it. Especially if you have pictures.

Katie to Erica: How are things between you and ole Andy?
Translation: How is the evil dog that's stealing my best friend away from me?

Erica to Katie: I saw something that (insert ex boyfriends name here) put on Facebook the other day. kind of creepy.
Translation: I'm SO sorry. I'm really surprised you actually forgave me for setting you two up. My bad.
Yuki to Katie: That's what I love about your personality. Whatever is on your mind, you just say it. There's literally nothing hidden with you.
Translation: Your inmate mouth, guttermind, and tomfoolery entertains me.

Katie to Erica: So. Have y'all set a date yet? Any ideas for what you want?
Translation: If he's not good to you and he doesn't make you extremely happy, I'm going to have to cut him. Also, I want to wear red and you're not fooling anybody if you wear white.

Erica to Katie: Babylove, I just want you to be happy and be with someone who loves you for the amazing person that you are.
Translation: You need to get laid so we can talk about it. But I still totally love you.

Yuki to Katie: I wouldn't stage a picture like that. Come on now.
Translation: Please, don't be like every other woman and make me do things. I don't even get anything out of this. I don't see you naked.

Katie to Erica: You can have whatever you want on your big day. That's why it's called your day.
Translation: It's not beneath me to fake a fire and help you climb out of a bathroom window in your wedding dress.

Katie to Yuki: Well, if that's what you want then do it. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't support you?
Translation: I'm going to support your decision, but I'm not going to be happy about it if it doesn't go my way.

Erica to Katie: I just miss you. We used to have so much fun and it's been far too long since we've seen each other.
Translation: Your inmate mouth, guttermind, and tomfoolery entertains me. Also, your drinking problem makes me feel far less like a lush.

Katie to Yuki: I very much want you to stick around, but I'm not your momma, your girlfriend, or your probation officer, so I really don't get a say in it. And frankly even if I was one of those things, you're a grown ass man, so you make all of those decisions and I'll support you.
Translation: I'm not your girlfriend and I can't be your probation officer, because someone stole my handcuffs. And in all honesty, I have a hard enough time making my own decisions when it comes to my cluster f**k that I call an existence, I can't babysit you too.

Katie to Erica: When's the big move? I bet you're beyond thrilled to be starting a new life with Andy in a different state. A grand new adventure for the two of you.
Translation: Seriously. Make sure he knows I don't care to prison shank a bitch. (Points to my eyes and then out like Robert De Niro).

Erica to Katie: What you need to do is get a jar of caramel sauce, pour it all over him, and start in on your abtastic sundae.
Translation: I have no defense for what I'm saying, I'm a sex crazed lunatic. Also, take pictures.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

All of my friends (almost) are having babies and getting married and I'm over here like- "Dammit. I'm out of wine and sinus meds. I want pizza." In. That. Order.

I received messages the other night from two different friends telling me that they were pregnant. Also, one telling me the gender of their baby. And my friends little brother who is also my friend (that I took to prom, long story short she told me I was forbid from it, so I did it out of spite) so that's four, count it- four, different friends of mine that are having babies. Two of them are married (even though one is separated from her husband). One is a guy and I don't know what in the hell it is that him and his girlfriend do. And the last one isn't married either, but she's with her "baby daddy". Nope still funny. The one that isn't? Well, this will be her fifth. Remember Mo? Yeah, well, she's the one on her fifth. Now granted, the two oldest are her step-kids, but she's had them since they were even one and two years old. So, five.

She text me to inform me that she was having another boy. You ready for a little math that's going to blow your mind? Watch this. She's having her fifth kid, all under the age of seven. It will be the fourth boy and she's six months younger than me. The baby is due in July. Her birthday is in August. Which means she will have five kids under the age of seven before she's even twenty-five years old. Shoot. Me. Now. And I mean that in the most loving way that I can, because I love her kids. All four (soon five) are my godchildren and I love them. (I just keep repeating that over and over). But me? Having any kids, let alone five? No. Just....no.

Then I called Noodle the other night, because we had a little 'girl talk' to do. And by that I mean, she was inebriated making tacos, I was drunk eating pizza, and instead of texting back and forth I just called her, because ain't nobody got time for texting while drinking, eating pizza, and pacing back and forth analyzing life. Especially when it's our lives. Anyways, we were talking about everything and I asked her when her and Andy were going to get married and pop out a couple of young 'ens. Guess what? A lot sooner than I had originally expected. I've informed her that I have picked out the dress that I would like to wear as her Maid of Honor and I've also planned a large portion of their wedding. Hell, I don't want to get married (EVER) so why not live vicariously through her?

Now, all of them think that I'm the crazy one for not wanting to get married or have babies. (Oh sure, I'm the crazy one for not wanting to be shackled to another human being for the rest of my existence. Really, guys?) And I'm perfectly ok with that. Erica is the one that doesn't think that I'm too crazy, but I'm pretty sure that in her mind she's all- "Just wait, Katie. You. Just. Wait."

So, I guess I will be keeping you posted for the rest of my life throughout the next couple of months to let you know how all of these pregnant/engaged friends of mine are doing. Oh, boy.

**Update: Momma and I went out to Greg's house today and about two minutes after we got there we were all in the living room and Greg said- 'Well, I told your mom so you tell mine.' To which I said- "Shit. You're pregnant, aren't you?" Because I'm obviously sensitive and never say the first thing that pops into my head. Oops. But don't tell, because it's still super early and they don't want a bunch of people to know until they know more and it's safer. You know, health wise. They're nervous, because of things not going so well last time. Fingers crossed. I'm going to be an Aunt. Again.

Friday, January 16, 2015

A random Thursday night text conversation between me and my brother.

Everyone that knows me and my brother knows that we love each other very much, but we still love to give each other shit on a regular basis. We only had each other growing up as far as siblings go, but we also had a few friends that we consider family as well. I mean, usually when people ask me if I have any siblings if I don't put too much thought into it, I just say I have two brothers, because to me I do. (Here's looking at you Johnathan). So, back to this whole messing with each other thing. You probably should know our sense of humor, and that my favorite word in the entire world is 'bitch' (thank you, Jesse Pinkman) to understand this, but I think it's funny anyways.

Brother: I love you. Katie: I love you too. What do you want?  Brother: Not shit. I just miss you guys. Katie: We miss you too. You're coming up this weekend, right?  Brother: You sleepy? Katie: A little bit. Been up since 4 this morning, why?  Brother: Hey. Katie: Hey. Brother: Yes, why? 2:45, puss. Katie: You're a puss. Brother: What, wimp? Katie: You heard me you punk bitch. Brother: It's easy to talk shit on the phone. Katie: You should know, it's what you've always been good at! Brother: Lol. Well, ain't you funny? Katie: I always have been, bitch :)

And then he stopped texting, because obviously I completely won. I know it, he knows it, and now the entire world (ok, maybe not the entire world, but let me have my pinky and the brain moment) knows it. It's nice being the little sister sometimes (He's 3.5 years older. Geezer.).

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Apologizing to your Bestie for making her sound like a psychopath.

There are times that I tell y'all about my bestie (i just can't stop using that word)- Erica. And I may or may not make her sound a bit, I would use the word colorful, but she informed me that the word most likely used is psychotic. In fact I believe she said I made her sound like a  psychotic/sex-crazed lunatic. We may differ in the opinions perceived.

Personally, I don't think I made her sound psychotic at all. I made her sound like the awesome friend that she is. Even going as far as telling how she's never to busy to talk to her friends. (Including, but not limited to when she's also doing....dark things with Andy). And the sex-crazed lunatic part? (Sensitive much, Noodle?). Well, I only made her sound like that, because she is very much a sex-crazed lunatic. Sorry, there's just no other way to flip that. You say potato, I say quit describing your boyfriends junk to me.

You know, it's a good thing that everything we talk about is protected under "girl code". Otherwise your boyfriend would be so mad at us 24/7. Worth it. I guess this wasn't much of an apology. But then again, if I didn't say exactly what I was thinking when I thought it, than I just wouldn't be me. Now would it? Love you, Noodle!! And don't worry, I'll be sure to have some good stories to tell you someday. Even though you're still not fully recovered from the last one that I told you. Oops.

Monday, January 12, 2015

When your best friend is inappropriate and harasses you.

**Warning: If you read this you may never fully recover. 

While we were having a text conversation: Erica: Hello? Katie: Hello. Erica: What are you up to, my love? Katie: Oh, you know, just hanging out, eating supper, watching a scary movie, and trying to stay warm. You? Erica: Oh, nothing much. just talking to you, cooking supper, and sexting with Andy. Katie: Excuse me? Erica: What? He's 600 miles away, we have to keep the "magic" alive somehow. What's wrong with that? Katie: Number one, you're on the phone WITH ME. And number two, you're cooking supper. Erica: What's your point? Katie: My point is you're multitasking and I don't want to accidentally get a photo that I'll never recover from. Erica: Don't worry, I don't send pictures, I just can't bring myself to do it. Andy does though, so the worse you'll see is him naked. Besides, we lived together, you've seen me naked. Katie: Noodle, listen to me closely, I will never recover if I see your boyfriend naked. EVER. Erica: Please, he's adorable. And it's been a long time since you've seen a naked guy. How long has it been again? Katie: I'm not ok with you asking about my "naked fun time", or lack thereof, while you're having yours with Andy. I should've hung up a long time ago. Erica: No need. He's done. We need to talk about you. Katie: I'm going to vomit.

Because of a picture I tagged her in on Facebook: Erica: Softie....I'm not soft, I'm fluffy! And I can only get soft with you. Katie: Not something a girl usually wants to hear, but I'm loving the sentiment! Erica: Not that way! Unless you have finally decided to run away with me. Katie: No, sorry sweetie, but I still love you! Erica: I'm sad now. Join us join us....We have cookies. And twinkies on Friday. Katie: Chocolate chip or oatmeal? Are you and Suzi trying to bribe me with baked goods so y'all can take advantage of me? Erica/Suzi: You know you want the fired creamy goodness...and chocolate chip. Katie: Ok, you guys are bitches, because now I really want cookies! Erica: I should bake you some and mail them...you know I could do that. Suzi says to share your cookies. Katie: It's ok Suzi, we know, darlin, we know. And we still love you! Erica: Lmao. And that is why I love you.

When I called her on the phone: Erica: Hello? Katie: Hey cutie, what are you up to? Erica (with Suzi in the background): Bow-chicka-bow wow. Chicka bow-wow. Katie: Seriously? Erica: So....any naked pictures yet? Katie: Of who? Erica: Sent or received? Katie: Who are you talking about? Erica: Oh. You know. *wink wink* (And yes, she said- wink wink). Katie: I hate you. Erica: But you love me more.   

Monday, January 5, 2015

Let's talk numbers. Let's talk all of the numbers.

There are 365 days in a year (366 in a leap year). There are over 7 billion people in the world. And there are 7.99765121 ounces in a cup. Numbers are infinite and possibilities are seemingly endless. Sometimes things seem to be crazy and you think that impossibilities are staring you straight in the face. But if you strip everything down and stare at the bare minimum number, it just doesn't seem as scary. It's almost like if it's in number form you can climb each hill a little bit at a time.

If you think about running a mile it sounds like a major feet. Unless you say there are only 10,000 steps in a mile. So, you walk those 10,000 steps and you're done with it. You eat the salad that is 210 calories instead of the 608 calorie bacon cheeseburger that you really want. That is, until the temptation just gets to be too much and you go ahead and eat the bacon cheeseburger. I mean, why not? Afterall, statistics show that you'll only live 1,044 months in an average lifetime. And that's only if you live the average of 87 years.

You're probably wondering what I'm getting with all of this, right? Well, I'll tell you. I am going absolutely nowhere with this. All of this is simply because a friend of mine said something to me last night that got me thinking. We were talking about when we were in school together and things we have done throughout the years. I jokingly made a comment and she informed me that distance is nothing. It is just simply "one of those things." I thought about this and realized that she was right. Distance is just "one of those things." It means nothing. It's like every other number.

Here are some facts about me: There are 320 pages in my favorite book. 163 words in that damned ole catchy song- Stay With Me, that I can't manage to get out of my head and I belt out at every possible opportunity. I still love the fact that I went to the state championship in 5th grade for the spelling bee and that I graduated Highschool with a 104 in English Honors. There are 480 calories in a bottle of my favorite wine.

And when I was 15 I went through some things that my 40 year old mother made better through her love and a 1 year old puppy that we adopted and has become one of the best friends that I have ever had. I'm 5 foot tall and love with 100% of my heart. I still talk to at least 3 of my friends that I worked with for 5 years and we tease each other as much as possible. Also, there are 2.1 carats in that diamond ring that my Aunt refuses to hand over, because it would look adorable on my tiny little munchkin hand. ;)

Here are some instances: Perhaps your best friend lives 459 miles away from you and pretty soon she will live 650 miles away, because she is following the love of her life from Florida to South Carolina. It seems like she will be closer, but in all reality she will be an extra 191 miles away. She is leaving her life and everything she has known for almost 25 years to be with the guy that she fell in love with 2 years ago. You might have even known the guy that she loves when you were 16 and had 2 classes with him. And you are supportive of her and love her all the same.

Maybe the guy that you're still harboring unresolved/unrequited love for lives 247.1 miles away and you still can't bring yourself to just admit it and say it out loud, just like all of those years ago, which in turn screwed you over. I mean, what's he gonna do if you tell him, beat you up? Please, like you're scared of him anyways. You know how to take him down.

Maybe your Uncle is going to take 3 days and drive you to Chicago which is 183 miles away. And lastly, maybe your brother was married to a girl for 2.5 years, only for them to separate and him to meet a girl, fall in love, and help her raise 3 of her 5 kids (because the 2 live oldest with their dad 1,053miles away). And now you are flabbergasted to realize that you now have 5 godchildren, 4 nieces, 1 nephew, and your best friend wants 1 (or3) of her own.

Like I said, numbers are infinite. Just like possibilities. I guess we will all see what 2015 brings our way.