When you get a dose of epic failure for the day.

So, my aunt text me the other day and told me that she would be picking me up a bottle of my favorite wine the next day and would be sending it with my uncle/boss this morning.... she wanted to make sure that I was on the lookout for that delicious nectar of the gods wine.

Well, bright and early this morning I did indeed have said bottle of wine on my desk. Being the slightly less sarcastic/gloomy/cynical exciting person that I am on Friday mornings I text a picture of it to a friend of mine to let them know how excited I was.

And that's where my failure kicked in.

You see, I sent a message that said, "this was waiting on my desk when I got here this morning.... my boss knows how to start a Friday! Lol."

But auto-correct decided that the message I needed to send was, "this was waiting on my desk sexy when I got here this morning.... my boss knows how to start a Friday! Lol."

That's right, for some unknown reason my phone decided to change the word desk to sexy and I was very confused when I received a text message replying to mine that read, "on your sexy?" You know, because I didn't catch what my traitorous phone had done.... but my friend did.

And in case you're wondering, if you want to have a hilarious conversation that confuses multiple people, definitely let auto-correct take the reigns. And if you don't, well, auto-correct doesn't give a shit and is definitely plotting against you when you least expect it. You've been warned, but you've probably already felt its wrath (if you're like me, WAY more than once).

My brother is about to be a dad. (Part II).

Back in the beginning of March I wrote a post explaining the fact that my brother was about to be a dad. By extension that was going to make Momma and grandma.... and me an aunt.

HO. LY. SHIT.

And now here we are, almost two months later and there's been a baby hanging around on occasion. I'm not one of those people that could tell you how much he weighed when he was born (a little over nine pounds?.... maybe), or how long he was, or even any real detail like that. I know that I should be able to, but if I'm nothing else at all, at least I am inconsistent when it comes to obliviousness pertaining to a list of random shit.

It's weird to me how fast a baby's features change, but I guess that's just the name of the game when infants are involved. He's been chubby the whole time (cheek wise) and I have to say, I'm pretty much loving that, because chubby babies are just cuter than all the other babies (calm down, I'm not "baby body shaming" that's not even a thing!).

My brother is so damn proud he practically looks like a peacock strutting around. So does Momma now that I think about it.... when I was feeding him last night (half asleep) she informed me that I looked adorable holding a baby. I told her then she better take a picture, because she ain't getting any babies from me (insert LOL here). The first picture they even have of me holding him is from the same day that I had dental surgery and half of my face was paralyzed. And maybe one of us where we both passed out in the chair (again, right after my dental surgery and "drugged" up.... aka, feeling horrible. and because he's a baby and likes naps.).

And last night was the first night that he actually slept over at our house. While I would love to tell you that it went as smoothly as it could, that wouldn't be 100% accurate. Don't get me wrong, it went perfectly fine and nothing bad happened, but I was pretty much a nervous wreck and couldn't quit walking over to him while he was sleeping to make sure that he was ok. You wouldn't think it, but a baby can really make an already anxiety ridden person very on edge.

I was filled with questions like, "can he breathe?" "is his arm supposed to turn like that?" "did he just stick a piece of that sheet up his nose?" "what if I didn't burp him enough.... what happens then?!" "is he giving me side eye?" "can babies even give side eye?" And so on and so forth.

And while he slept through the majority of the night, he did get up a couple of times.... my brother said it was because he was hungry, I say it's because he wanted to see how fast I would jump up and panic. We'll agree to disagree on that one, but I swear he laughed at me every time I panicked. Every. Single. Time.

And I learned a valuable lesson.... I learned that even though it's not illegal to call a two month old baby an asshole, it's still really frowned upon. I couldn't help it, he was being SUCH as asshole! No worries though, I still love him and I don't mind having him around.... much. (I say "much" but I am kind of fond of the little gas ball I call a nephew.).

P.s. His name is Gabriel Alexander.... and I call him Gabby (much to my brother and his girlfriend's chagrin).

P.s.s. this has absolutely nothing to do with having a baby, but some asshole broke into ours and our neighbors garages last night.... just thought I'd put it out there. You know what I say about people?! Ugh. I say, ugh.

2017 films. (Part I).

We're only four (almost five) months into 2017 and I have already watched a plethora of really good films. While I did a recap of my favorite films of 2016, I thought that I would make it a bit easier on myself (ha!) and try to recap as the year went on.... and on some more and a little bit more. Or, something like that.

And I know that no one really cares about my opinion concerning movies.... but then again, never once has someone not caring about my opinion ever stopped me from actually sharing it. Seriously, I can't think of one time. It's that whole word vomit thing.... I try to stop myself (kind of), but somehow it still comes out.

With all of that being said, I give you "The films of (my) 2017.... so far."

Side note: No worries, if I watch a couple more in April after this is published, I'll just tack it onto the next one.... because I do what I want. That, and there's really no telling if I'll watch anymore this month (I probably will).

January's films: Most Likely To Die, Independence Day: Resurgence, Mechanic: Resurrection, Don't Breathe, It Follows, The Magnificent Seven, Deepwater Horizon, This is the End.

My favorite: While I liked most of these movies, (I wasn't a huge fan of Mechanic: Resurrection), and it was a hard choice, I'm gonna have to go with The Magnificent Seven. I really did watch some great ones in January.... Deepwater Horizon was amazing, Independence Day: Resurgence while not as good as the original held it's own, Most Likely To Die was a campy B+ movie that was hilarious (thank you, Perez Hilton), Don't Breathe wasn't what I was expecting, but still good, It Follows creeped me the hell out and I can never watch it again (just like the movie- Contracted), and This is the End was hilarious. Least favorite of the month: Hands down, Mechanic: Resurrection.

January's re-watched from years gone by: The Hangover Trilogy, Rambo, the A-Team.

February's films: Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween, Grease Live!, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, Hacksaw Ridge.

My favorite: While I pretty much liked them all, my absolute favorite was Hacksaw Ridge. There is just something about that movie and Andrew Garfield's performance in it that left me affected and in awe for days.... weeks.... and even now. Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween is officially my favorite Madea movie in existence- it cracked me up the whole way through, and Jack Reacher: Never Go Back let me continue to live out my eternal love for Tom Cruise (I can't wait to see his new movie- The Mummy- when it comes out). Least favorite of the month: Grease Live! It wasn't bad, but it wasn't the greatest, either.

February's re-watched from years gone by: Rolling Kansas, Ready to Rumble, Where the Heart Is, Black Dog.

March's films: Passengers.

My favorite: I don't really feel the need to tell you that my favorite movie of the month since there literally was only one new one.... but, if you're only going to watch one new movie a month, I would recommend one of them be Passengers. I don't know what people were so butt hurt about when the reviews came out, but I really liked it. Then again, Chris Pratt is my dude. #BrightAbbott4Ever Least favorite of the month: You don't have that problem if you only watch one and it's awesome.

March's re-watched from years gone by: Tenacious D: In the Pick of Destiny, Tremors.

April's films: Patriots Day, Beauty and the Beast (live action), Why Him?, Hatchet, Chernobyl Diaries, Split.

My favorite: While this was a hard choice, because so many of them from this month were great (remember, my opinion, people), I'm gonna have to go with Beauty and the Beast (live action). Why? Because it literally let me relive a piece of my childhood and it was amazing from beginning to end (read my initial excitement here). Patriots Day was amazing and heartbreaking, Why Him? was hilarious and every time I think that James Franco can't make a movie that I'll love more than the last, he proves me wrong, Hatchet was another one of those campy B+ movies that is hilarious to watch at two am when you're kind of drunk, and Chernobyl Diaries was a lot better than I expected (I really liked it and still want to go to the Ukraine). Least favorite of the month: Sadly, I'll have to go with Split on this one, even though I liked it. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but it was still good and a harsh look at the tragedy that there are people out there that suffer with things like DID.

April's re-watched from years gone by: Armageddon.

Documentaries watched: Matt Shepard Is a Friend of Mine, Oklahoma City. Tv Series I've given a go: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I just keep watching this show over and over.... I love it!), Lethal Weapon (LOVE), The Walking Dead, Fuller House, Santa Clarita Diet, The Ranch, Young & Hungry, Breaking Bad, Drunk History, The Middle (#always), The Following. Stand-up watched: Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Sorry for What I Said When I Was Hungry, Kevin Hart: What Now? Tour.

I was awake for over 50 hours.

While I would like to tell everyone that April has been a fabulous month (it has for the most part), and that everything has been 100% peachy keen since I last showed up around here, that would be just a bit of a fib.... fib, lie, whatever you want to call it. It's been pretty good, with one exception.... I had a toothache.

A TOOTHACHE THAT TRIED TO KILL ME.

I have two molars one the upper left hand side of my mouth that have been giving me trouble for about a year (it all started with a wisdom tooth and shit only went more awry from there). Yeah, I should've already had them dealt with, but for the most part once I took a few ibuprofen they didn't bother me again for weeks or even months. Plus, dentists are EXPENSIVE. And I am POOR AS SHIT.

However, this past week has left me with an entirely new love for dentist offices that understand your situation when someone calls and tells them that you have been in writhing pain for the last two days and may actually go jump in front of a bus if it doesn't stop.

Both of those teeth started screwing with me on Sunday afternoon (a little before Momma and I went and seen Beauty and the Beast.... more on that awesome movie here). I took some ibuprofen.... and it didn't work. So, I took some more ibuprofen.... that didn't work either. For the next two days I was in a searing amount of pain that only got increasing worse. I'm usually pretty decent when it comes to handling pain. I basically just want to be left alone until my body heals itself with the aid of whatever random med that I'm taking. This time, it didn't go down like that.

I kept getting chills on Monday and by the time I headed home from work I'm pretty sure that I had eaten a half bottle of ibuprofen and my jaw was throbbing so hard that it was actually jiggling my eyeball. I couldn't sleep that night (and hadn't slept the one before it either), and by four in the morning I had already text both of my bosses to let them know I wouldn't be in that day and that I was going to the dentist as soon as I could get in.

I got in at 9:00 that morning.... and didn't get to walk out until after noon. 

I had the two molars removed (they deserved to go, traitorous bastards), found out that I did in fact have a bit of infection in my jaw (hence the chills/fever), lost I swear half of the blood in my body, and get to take a full round of antibiotics and pain meds. Well, I won't take a full round of pain meds, I meant the full round of antibiotics.

Most people ask, "why would you just want your teeth pulled instead of fixed? it's a good tooth! what if you have to have dentures in the future?!" To that I say, it's NOT a good tooth if the only thing that it causes me is pain and agony.... get that little Benedict Arnold out of my head!! How dare they betray me like this!! I take great care of them and they still revolt against me.... now I know how Marie Antoinette felt (except she was maybe not very nice). If I have to have dentures someday, you know what? Who the f*ck cares?! If it means that I'm no longer in pain then sign me up yesterday. I am literally trained in everyday self/health care (being a CNA for years helps with that), I think I can handle some dentures.... I GOT THIS.

And while I would prefer not to have fake teeth, I'm also not above it. I've always taken really good care of my teeth, but no matter how many times a day I brush, floss, rinse, and no matter how many vitamins I take and calcium/potassium I eat/drink, my teeth are just super frail. I guess it happens, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

So, there you have it. I had to miss a day of work, be in the most pain ever for about three days (it hurt for longer than that, but the ridiculous amount of pain didn't develop until Sunday evening), play the game of "how long can you actually be awake before your body gives up?" game, spend three hours in a dentist office, have a panic/anxiety attack (when he numbed the inside of the very back tooth it actually cracked and he said I went into a little bit of "shock" from the pain.... it's not cool, I don't recommend it), and get to throw up consistently.

Why? Because antibiotics + pain meds + not being able to chew/eat (empty stomach) = nausea. Do you know how hard it is to throw up when you have two holes in your mouth and can't hardly open it? If not, just know, it's extremely difficult.... and gross.

Beauty and the Beast. (Momma and I went and seen it).

As an avid lover of Beauty and the Beast for as long as I can remember, I have to say, this movie did the original proud. I loved it!! In fact, even though I currently feel horrible and like I might kill over at any moment (#toothacheprobs), I still wanted to go and see this movie.

THAT'S HOW EXCITED I WAS.

And "Kid Katie" was very happy that "Adult Katie" made that decision.... because Beauty and the Beast is just something that I have loved for my entire life and get involved in anytime I get the chance. The animated version? Got it (originally on VHS and now on DVD). The play? Seen it. Live action movie? Go ahead and stick that one under my belt too.

And sure, in the animated version Belle was kind of whiny and may have had a slight case of Stockholm's Syndrome, but damn y'all, isn't it worth it to see that library and a dancing f*cking candelabra?! And if you think no, then I'm pretty sure that we can't be friends, because we can't possibly have anything in common and would probably hate each other.

This version made all of those little things that never made sense, but we just rolled with, make sense. Townsfolk forgetting there was royalty and a giant f*cking castle full of people hanging out a little ways away? Explains it. Why does everyone think Belle is so weird (it couldn't have just been that she could read!)? Got it. Why all of the servants got punished along with The Beast? It's in there.

And the musical numbers were incredible and the acting was superb and basically I just loved it (I was sad that the bird scene wasn't there, though). And when it comes out on DVD, I'm probably going to have to own it, because that's how great it was. I'd watch it repeatedly. And we (Momma and I) were both really excited to still get to share something like this all these years later.