Can we just eat pizza for Christmas?!

You know, for being such a grinch this holiday season, I sure am busy. Today is our annual company Christmas party. And while we don't get to get sauced like back in the good ole days, it's usually a fairly decent time and it seems to make Uncle Roger happy. Therefore if Uncle Roger is happy and decompresses for a minute then the world is a joyful place.

Last Sunday at Aunt Susi's get together: Momma and Aunt Poot looking adorable and mischievous. And Dani and Jayna decorating cookies (with my awesome frosting).

Aunt Susi also had that girls get together at her house this past Sunday and it was fun. We went over early to help her make things and set up. She had me make buttercream frosting in her pretty fancy mixer and not that I'm searching for compliments or anything, but it was delicious. We all decorated cookies, laughed, talked, ate and there was absolutely no fighting/arguing. Which is a rare thing for our family. Obviously it's the guys that do it and not us girls. All of us just wouldn't do something like that. Yeah, that's it.

Last years annual company Christmas party. This is me with Uncle Darrell (he's my homie/dance partner) and my cousin Jeremy.

We also played that 'dirty santa' or 'white elephant' (Which is a dumb name. Just saying.) And some people just don't show any mercy around these parts. And even though Aunt Susi ended up with the pretty scarf (you're not sorry) it's ok, because telling Ashley why she didn't need the scarf was hilarious. Also, Shantel sat in a bunch of blueberries and usually that would stain, but I scrubbed her pants with Aunt Susi's hobo soap and IT ALL CAME OUT. It's magic soap. Dani says it would be hippie soap before it would be hobo soap, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one.

Also, Bubba, Chrissy, Johnathan, Elizabeth, and the three kids are coming up tonight so that we can do "our" Christmas. We thought that we were going to spend Christmas at their house this year (because they invited us to), but come to find out they don't even get the kids back until noon and they go to her parents at one. And while her parents invited us over for Christmas with all of them, we've met them about twice and didn't feel comfortable with that. Hence, Christmas tonight. I think that Momma is a little upset that she won't get to see Greg on Christmas day, but I guess I'll just have to get a little spirit (or at least pretend to) and watch White Christmas and make it good for her. It'll all be good.

The Christmas season and I are just NOT gee hawin' this year.

I'll admit it. I'm a Grinch. I'm a t-total Grinch this year. Just give me a green suit and a Santa hat while I put some antlers on Tayder and James Earl Jones sings a song about me. That's how (un)Christmas-y I'm feeling about all of this. I've put up the tree, decorated, and bought/wrapped gifts (I still have more to do). All of us girls even got together at Aunt Susi's for a Christmas get together (that I'll write about someday) and still, nope.

I don't know why. I can't stand Christmas music, the thought of having to deal with decorations makes me just want to take a nap, and I haven't even watched White Christmas yet. People, White Christmas is one of my favorite movies of all time. I even watch it in July and it's just not happening. I think I must just be going through a Grinch phase.

Our work Christmas party is this Friday and all I can think is blah. Then Friday evening Greg, Chrissy, Johnathan, Elizabeth and the kids are coming up to our apartment to do our little Christmas and frankly I'm already tired. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but once again, Christmas. I haven't even put elf ears, bows, or bells on Tayder. I have yet to wear my Christmas socks. Not even Christmas cookies are appeasing me. I don't know, maybe I'll get in the "Christmas Spirit" in the next couple of three days. At least there's four days off of work next week to look forward to (Thursday-Sunday).

The levels of baking cookies with an eleven year old.

I got the bright idea to let Solae spend the night on Saturday and then she was all- let's do something fun!! Can we bake cookies?!! You're SO awesome. And of course I had consumed about a bottle of wine when she called me and said that I was awesome, so I was all- of course you can spend the night. And we'll bake cookies, and make things, and I'll cook you pasta, because I'm awesome!! I GOT THIS.

Cut to the next morning when I figured out that my Momma had actually already promised her all of this, while volunteering me, with me sober and I immediately regretted my actions. You would think it was the walk of shame with how much I was regretting said actions, but no. No, it was just the promise of having to do all of this. Ugh.

But I'm a good sport, and if nothing else, I'm fairly decent at keeping my promises, so I said- what's done is done and went to buy more wine. Because obviously I make great decisions while drinking. And then we picked her up around eleven that day to run some errands and get home to bake. And apparently make mustache pops and cake pops.

Level one:
You get together everything that you need or could possibly ever need to get things going. Eleven year olds have about the attention span of me a ferret on crack so you can imagine how well this step went. Once everything was gathered I realized that there were alot more things on the counter to make than I had originally agreed to and while no one was looking started hiding them odd places in the kitchen.

Level two:
The baking is going good by this point. You've got a crap ton of energy and are in a good mood. You're mixing and baking at such a fast rate that when the kid asks you if she can eat all of the sugar, you agree, because let's be honest about the fact that you're kind of an alcoholic and have already started drinking the half a bottle of wine in the fridge.

Level three:
You take a small bathroom break and when you walk out you see that the kid is standing in the living room, listening to Taylor Swift, throwing around the dish towel like she's Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. You ask her what she's doing and realize that she's so jacked up on sugar that her eyes are as big as tea saucers. It's also at this point that you decide to crack open your second bottle of wine. I can literally feel your judgement on me right now.

Level four:
By now the kid has come down off of her sugar high and you're stuck finishing the cookies, because she wanted to watch Captain America. Nevermind the fact that you want to watch Captain America, oh no, you're the adult so finish the damn cookies, make pasta, and frost the snowmen cookies, bitch! Also, you may or may not ask your Momma and Aunt if the tiny snowman cookies that she made look like little penises or if you're just slightly tipsy. PS, they looked like little penises and you frosting them white probably wasn't the best idea.

Level five:
By this level you're lucky you even survived. Especially if you hate the holidays, because you're a big, fat, fatty Grinch. Aka me. Now, you've cleaned the kitchen and you're sitting on the floor with your feet on the oven door, drinking the rest of the wine out of the bottle, sending pictures to your friend of your burnt hand, because you just knew that was going to hurt in the morning. And you finally peel yourself off the tile, go take a shower, and go to bed. Only to wake up at four the next morning with a sinus infection.

But guess who's awesome and totally still the favorite?!

#Thefinalride

Well played, Sutter. Well. Played.

And now?! I'm sad.

I have many things to be thankful for {A sappy (early) Thanksgiving post}.

What's there not to be happy about today? I mean, I get off at 11:00 today. I have the next four days off. Aunt Poot and Solae are coming over tonight for movie night (Expendables 3...whoop whoop!!). Momma is feeling pretty good. Aunt Susi is happier. Jayna is at work today helping to put up the tree. Me and Dani match in our Griswold shirts (by accident). Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Greg is happy. John is up here now. I've decided to watch Outlander on Demand (all eight episodes) while I'm off. And I'm losing weight. The world is good. My world that is.

Two year old me would like to wish you happy holidays!! Clearly, we know who the cute one was. My brother and cousins claim they were, but I mean, come on. Look at little ole me.

Things could be better I suppose. I reckon they always could. People always seem to talk about the things that could be better. However, I'm a drink the glass that way you don't have to decide if it's a glass half empty/half full kind of gal. I try to always find the silver lining and be optimistic. Noodle likes to tell me that I'm the ultimate eternal optimistic/hopeless romantic. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but we got that kind of love. I'll take it.

I have so much to be thankful for. So much. I'm in fairly decent health. It teeter totters back and forth between things sometimes, but for the most part things tend to go good. At least it's nothing I can't deal with as far as now. My Momma. The fact is that she's in poor health, but you know what? She's getting help for it. And it's getting better by the day. She will never be healed, however I'm hopeful that with time we can get her to that level. You know what 'that' level is. Tayder is still kicking and lugging around. Poor guy is grumpy, but he's the Walter Matthaeu of dogs, so I'm ok with it.

I like that he's still here to give me cuddles and kisses when I need them. I spend time with a few of my favorite people in the world- i.e. Momma, Aunt Susi, Uncle Roger, Aunt Poot, Uncle Darrell, Aunt Mary, Dani, Solae, Greg when he doesn't have a giant stick up his butt. And so on and so forth. I love spending so much time with Momma. And I love spending time with those I am close to. Work is good. Our apartment is good. Family is good, except for the buttheads, but you know.

I could complain. I really could. But why? So much has happened. There was so much bad in me that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn. I got to the point that I didn't want to do my favorite things. I didn't want to talk to my friends. Anybody really. I didn't want to read or watch tv. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't even want to get out of bed or get dressed. I didn't really want anything. I went through the motions and that was it. I didn't know what else to do. I just laid there and stared at the walls. I cried without knowing why. I sat there without paying attention to the things around me. My life was going without me really in it. It's been like this for years. Since I was around fifteen, I guess. And then I started making changes. Big changes. And it helped. Don't get me wrong, there are days that I still have these feelings. Everyday I have at least a few of these feelings and don't really understand why. I've never known why. But you know what? Here it is. And here I am. I'm surrounded by people that love me, and even though I don't want to burden them with my problems, I know that if I needed them they are there. And that's nice. And for that my friends, I am thankful.

Happy (early) Thanksgiving.

I'm pretty sure that I am the absolute WORST at being a girl.

I have this thing where I go over everything in my head and I over analyze anything that I come into contact with. My conclusion to the fact that I am the absolute WORST at being a girl is no different. I feel like this is a true fact. I came to this realization somewhere between putting on my sweatpants/ butler bulldogs tee shirt and then going to my aunt/uncle's house to eat pizza and drink beer.

I know, I know, carbs and alcohol, SAY WHAT?! But I'm a rebel like that. My pants hate me for it.

Between reading through my favorite blogs, checking out random sites, and talking to people that I grew up with, it's enough to make you feel like you took a detour at the wrong crossroad. Most of them are in meaningful relationships, either married or on the verge. Most with children and some have even been with their significant others for years upon years. WE'RE TALKING SANDBOX LOVE, PEOPLE! And yet I'm just over here all- look at how cute my dog is!!

Now, being the type of person that I am, none of this usually bothers me, but every once in a great while I'll feel a ting of the green-eyed monster creeping up my back. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to be married, and at the possibility of sounding like a horrible person, I don't want children. At least not ones to call my own. Neither of those two things have ever been a priority of mine. I love my independence and at the risk of sounding selfish, don't feel like I should have to have children to live up to some other persons standard of my happiness. But that's just one girls opinion on the matter. 

I hate drama. And I truly mean that from the bottom depth of my soul. I'm always here to listen to a friend/family member vent about their problems, but I don't voluntarily go in search of it. I rather like my peaceful, little existence and don't see the point in complicating things. Oh, having trouble with your cheating/unappreciative/psychotic/paranoid significant other? Well, let's not do the rash thing and break up with them so you can find happiness in the future. No, let's stick it out for another three or four years so that when the unavoidable implosion that is our lives comes to a head it's all that more ugly, emotional, and terrible. Makes alot of sense, huh? No.

I don't curl my hair and wear make-up every single day. I hardly even get out of sweatpants, loose tee shirts, or cotton shorts on weekends. Monday through Fridays {except on the days that the sun has smiled upon me and we don't have work on one of those days} I usually make myself acceptable looking. But then I have days like today where I felt that my morning time was better spent standing under hot water in the shower. And then I look like I do right now. No make-up sans for the leftover eyeliner from yesterday, and a messy version of hair that's so bad it can't even be considered a "messy bun". No, it's just it's very own mess. I didn't even fully brush it, because it just wasn't happening.

Also, I do not own a copy of the movie The Notebook. I know, if none of the other things got me, that one definitely will.

I'm living in the surreal house.

When I decided to uproot my entire life and move to Indiana I had some things going on that felt like they needed dealt with. My way of dealing with them? Saying- the hell with this!! And moving on. So, I did just that. And it worked. But it still feels a bit surreal to me. It's been two years this month, and for some strange reason it doesn't feel like I'm actually living here to me.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to be surrounded by family and for things to be more offset than they have been in a very long time, but still, there's something. Something that I just can't quite put my finger on. You would think after two years that it would be pretty well sunken in, but it's just not. It still feels off or something.

Maybe it's because I keep waking up expecting to walk outside and see a back road instead of a busy one. Maybe it's because I keep expecting to run into an old friend of mine at the gas station, that is inevitably never there. Maybe it's because I still expect to get out of bed, put on a pair of scrubs and head off to help someone ready for their third dialysis appointment of the week. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm happy here. I'm content. I love my peaceful, little, undramatic existence. And I love the fact that I get to spend so much time with my mother, brother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I love that Momma and I have a little apartment that we can call our own, and that Tayder is still lugging around and giving me snuggles when I need them.

But it's weird. It's weird going to a job completely out of my element. It's weird writing letters or sending text messages instead of seeing my friends. It's weird not having Grammy to talk to about stories that only a grandmother knows and to give me a hug. It's strange to me that all of this still hasn't sunk in for me.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have my memories here. I mean, I have a few from when I was a little girl, but for the most part I was raised far away. I had my own friends, my own way I handled things, and I grew up in a way that others wouldn't necessarily find proper. And I love that. I love that I got to grow up somewhere that allowed me to form and find my own sense of self. I love the person that I am.

I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst by any means. When I love, I love with my whole heart. And when something makes me sad, I cry real tears. When I'm happy, I laugh, and sometimes I just can't quit. When I'm mad, I say why I'm mad out loud, and I don't sugar coat any of it. I have no filter and if i think it or feel it, you can pretty well guarantee that the world will soon know about it too.

And it's just me. It's just who I am. and right now, it just so happens that everything feels a little off key for me. But, it's ok, because it will all be figured out soon enough. Sometimes it just takes my mind a few extra minutes to catch up as opposed to the rest of me. Afterall, it's still trying to get used to these Indiana winters.

#Movingishard

Don't you just love that you can literally hashtag anything these days? No? Just me? Whatevs, I love it. So, as most of you know, Momma and I recently moved into our own apartment after living with my two uncles and little cousin for going on two years. And while that was fun {to begin with, but then one uncle became increasingly grumpy, and the kid turned into a teenager aka- jerk}, it's very nice to have our own place again. But I have made a discovery.

We've moved a million {figuratively} times in my life, and we always kind of liked to say that we considered ourselves nomads. It always made us sound cool, you know, to us. But now we have discovered that we detest moving, because it's hard, and if I'm being perfectly honest, neither one of us is getting any younger. Thank goodness that we had family that helped out with the whole process, but there are certain things that you kind of just have to do. We like to refer to it as- Lone Rangering it. Basically because, I love the new Lone Ranger movie. Yeah, I said it, WHAT ABOUT IT?!! That was a great movie and you know it. Sorry, back to the actual point.

I put in to have off yesterday like a month ago {before we knew we were moving- it all happened so fast}, but it just all kind of worked out, so I've just come off of a three day weekend. Don't worry, it wasn't as glamorous as it sounds. It was a whole lot of unpacking, putting up, arranging, then re-arranging, putting together furniture, and on and on and on. It's been really hard, but it's also been amazing to have our own space again. Tayder is loving it to.

Also, we finally have cable, and not only did I get to catch up on my Sons of Anarchy and Chicago PD watching {Thank you, Demand}, but we got to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter and like five episodes of Wahlburgers, which makes me happy, because Donnie Wahlberg is AMAZING. And I finally learned who sings the song- Classic, and I can't quit singing it, because it's awesome. Just listen to it you're welcome.

How many times can you rob the same car, bitch?!

Ok, everyone who has ever seen my car has something to say about it. I mean, I love it. It's been the greatest car that you could ever ask for and it's been with us for about five or six years. And I paid $49 for it. Yes, you read that right. $49. That's it. In other words, I love that damn thing. But I'm not one to try to make something that it's just not. It might be priceless to me, but you can clearly look at it and tell that I'm not exactly rolling in the cash.

Case in point, my car is three different colors. Four if you count dirt as a color. But without the dirt, three. It is originally red, however it had been wrecked on the driver's side before I got it, so the driver's side fender is white, while the front-end-bra {I know, I giggle every time I say my car wears a bra too}of it is black. Still with me? The white fender also doesn't fit as correctly as it should, so I have it zip tied how it should be. Assisting that there is duct tape holding on the driver's side mirror. Yes, duct tape. Granted the duct tape is red and black so it matches {That's all momma, I straight up had original silver duct tape on that shit}, but still, it's duct tape. Also, the bra {giggles} is cracked down the front so I have it gorilla glued together. Why? Because I'm nothing if not frugal. I don't care what my car looks like, appearances don't mean jack to me, no matter what it may look like to other people, it's a GREAT CAR and I LOVE it.

With all of that being said, not long after we moved to Indiana someone broke into our car {I say broke in to, but just know I don't leave my car locked, because it has no alarm and broken windows are expensive} and took whatever there was in there. Just a bunch of random shit that you wouldn't think of anyone taking. They broke my glove box and stole the center thing that sits in between the seats {change console?} Yes, the whole thing. It had pennies. Now, pennies add up, but in their haste they managed to leave like seven dollars that I had spaced right through leaving in the console. A couple Cd's were gone, but they were my ex's that I had been meaning to throw out {he had dumb taste in music}, so I was like whatevs. Basically, there was just nothing of value in it. And that seemed to piss them off, because like I said they broke my glove box, AND THEN threw papers and napkins all over the place. Ooohhh, that'll show me. Seriously, though?! Seriously? My car is three different colors with glue, duct tape, and zip ties, did you think we were storing our freaking rubies in there or something? Dumbass.

Since then the same thing has happened to our car somewhere around four more times, but nothing is ever stolen, because we have nothing to steal. HELLO, WE'RE POOR. What I love about all of this is we've become so accustomed to it that we're just like whatevs, someone was in the car. {Did I tell y'all that I'm pretty sure that there has been a hobo sleeping and eating french fries in the back seat?}. I assume that it's the same people doing it, because it's always "ransacked" the same and they end up getting pissed off and throwing napkins everywhere {are they bringing these napkins with them to throw when they're angry?}, because there's nothing in there to take. {You've been our car like five times, if we're still storing "valuables" in there, we deserve to be robbed}. Also, they leave my Cd's, because obviously THEY have HORRIBLE taste in music. Buddy Holly is a legend and how dare you not consider him good enough to steal! Lord forbid instead of getting in peoples cars to destroy them, throw paper everywhere, and try to steal them that you actually go to bed at night {or during the day} and be productive by like, oh I don't know, getting a freakin' job?! By the way, you guys are bitches. Wnd rant. {Also, read this, because it made me laugh so hard, and it sounds just like the inside of my head}.

Nifty fifty and as beautiful as ever!!

Today is Momma's 50th birthday. I know that a lot of people, they say women in particular which I don't think is true, have a real hard time getting older. Momma didn't seem to have a problem with turning 50. That was until I said to her- Hey! Do you know on my next birthday I'll be the same age as you were when you had me? That's when things got awkward. Kidding. But I just wanted to let the world (and Momma) know that I'm very proud of her, I love her, she is still my most trusted confidant, and my truest friend. I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world. Momma, you are my heart and I love you. Happy Birthday, beautiful lady!!

Mom, you're a wonderful mother, so gentle, yet so strong. The many ways you show you care, always make me feel I belong. You're patient when I'm foolish; you give guidance when I ask; it seems you can do most anything; you're the master of every task. You're a dependable source of comfort; you're my cushion when I fall. You help in times of trouble; you support me whenever I call. I love you more than you know; you have my total respect. If I had my choice of mothers, you'd be the one I'd select! -Joanna Fuchs

I may not be good at sports, BUT I am a good sport.

Yesterday, I was minding my own business. I had been perfectly lovely all day, and when I got off of work we went home to just relax. Relaxing is nice. Especially since we've been doing a million different little things, and this girl hasn't really been sleeping all that much. But I digress. I was in my comfy night shirt with no pants on when my phone went off informing me that my Aunt Susi had tagged me in a video on Facebook. Well, guess what? She tagged me in a damn video, because she did the #icebucketchallenge to raise funds and awareness for #ALS research. Thanks a lot for that, by the way. What says relax like having a giant bucket of ice water poured over your head, right? But it's for a good cause, and great research is being done, so if it helps even raise a little bit more, why not?!

So, that's what I did. Cricket ended up doing it with me (same video), because she had been challenged by two different people, (remember?) and since I was already doing it, we figured we would just team up to kill two birds with one stone, because you know, global water crisis. Momma wanted to film it, Uncle Jim wanted to douse us in the ice water, Kenny wanted to point and laugh, hell even Tayder got in on the action when he accidentally got soaked, because he wanted to see what his mom was doing. It was too much fun.

It's been extremely hot these past couple of weeks, so hot that at one point I would have considered shaving my head if I thought that it would've helped. Yeah, that hot. We're talking boob sweat city around these here parts. I haven't even fixed my hair or wore makeup in almost two weeks. Why bother with all this humidity? I'm just saying. I challenged Charlie, Betty Lynn, and Uncle Darrell, but Uncle Darrell got all offended and was like- "What about our Veterans?!" And I was like- "Nope. I'm not having that conversation/argument, because I think that we should all try to help everybody out, so I untagged him and deleted his comments, that way when someone liked or commented on it, it wouldn't bother him. I like my life peaceful, anything I can do to eliminate stress- I'm there! So, anyways, the video is on Momma's phone and my phone, but I don't know how to share it from my Facebook to my blog or from my phone to my blog, or anything like that, but if I figure it out, I'll be sure to include in a little bit!

I made peanut butter fudge.

Well, my friends, here it is Monday morning. And by Monday morning, I mean Monday afternoon, because I'm an adult and have to do responsible things like get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair, and work. Ok, maybe I don't exactly always brush my hair. And maybe I'm really like a seven year old at heart, but you know what I mean. Being an adult is the WORST. But enough about all of that.

I personally don't have anything against Mondays or anything. To me, it's just another day. Just like any other ole day. The way I figure it, if you hate Mondays that bad, just use your vacation days for all of the Mondays. But then people would complain that they don't have any more vacation days, because you just can't please some people. You know how it goes.

#TeamSpike Even after all of these years.

What did y'all do this weekend? Me? I did a whole lot of nothing. Seriously. I wish that I had some awesome stories to share with you, but that's just not the case. It's been rainy and gross. Frankly, it's just a bit disgusting, and puts me in a blah mood. But I'm sure I'm not the only one. I don't even really remember what I did Friday, probably nothing of substance, or I would remember it. I do recall not being able to sleep, so I stayed up late drinking and watching the show- Mom. Hilarious, by the way. I love it. And Deadly Women. Because, why not? I watch those shows all the time. Oh! By the way, Janya got moved from kindergarten to first grade, I assume because she is a genius, so- YAY! Congrats to Jayna and Dani (and Chris).

Saturday Momma and I ran to the grocery store and then came home. That was it. I'm telling you, it's really bad out. Then yesterday we ran over to Aunt Poot and Uncle Darrell's for a little bit, and Joshie took me up to Speedway to fill up my awesome ginormous jug, and then we went back home again. Bro and Shelley asked me if i wanted to get out Saturday and I just didn't want to. I didn't feel like doing a dang thing. So, I didn't.

Yesterday I watched part of the #BreakingBadBinge and recorded the rest of it, and also watched a documentary on Jim Morrison, because I mean, come on, it's Jim freakin' Morrison. Who doesn't love Jim Morrison? Just watching that documentary I wanted to go get a lizard wearing a crown tattoo. And if you don't understand that reference, then don't talk to me.    

Also, Saturday night I may, or may not have had popped one of my sleeping pills on top of some sinus meds and wine, and ended up making fudge at midnight, watched The Disappearance of Alice Creed, taught Shylyn how to trade/barter, plus make her draw my 'future tattoo', and finished by watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I'll never tell you. But for the record that fudge was the bomb and I'm still 100% #TeamSpike all the way. Yes, even after all of these years. Angel can suck it, unless he's Booth. Then he's awesome. Ok, that's all I got. I'm sorry that this was absolutely nothing of substance. Lastly, if you want to know what in the hell is going on in all of those random photos of me, you can go check out my Instagram page and it will tell you all about it.