Friday, March 31, 2017

Our oven quit working like two weeks ago and we're getting a different one today, but I'm not going to talk about that at all.

Somebody sent me a text this morning that said "Happy Fri-Yay!" And now I'm pretty sure that we can't be friends anymore, because I seriously hate that. I don't know why, but I do. Also, a guy shared a post on Facebook this morning that said, "I may not be in Dallas, but I'm a Cowboys fan no matter where I am." I unfriended him immediately, because I don't have time for that kind of nonsense in my life.

Can you tell that I'm super irritated this morning? Not at anything in particular, but just in general. It's been raining for the last 15 hours or so, and while I usually don't mind, and even like it when it rains.... I was not geehawing with it on my way to work this morning.

Me + Rain + 6:00am darkness + not wanting to move this morning + not having enough caffeine and/or sugar = the Grumpy Cat version of Katie.

However, today is Friday (FriDAY NOT FriYAY), and I am leaving work at 2:00 this afternoon to run some errands and hide from the weekend and people early, so I am trying to perk up a bit and remember all of the things that aren't annoying me today.

So.... in the interest of living a completely honest life (ha!), I have decided to just go ahead and admit that I am a sarcastic asshole find my jokes way funnier than what they ever are. Seriously, I am one of "those" people that can't tell a joke or story to save their life, because they can't quit laughing in their own head (and out loud) long enough.

I don't know if my family and friends find this endearing and lovable about me.... or if they completely hate me for it, but either way, I'm old and set in my ways so they've managed to at the very least learn how to deal with it. (Side note: is twenty-seven really too young to be old and set in my ways? I think not.).

In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and somehow we managed to get on the subject of if I could pull off a beard or not. That's right.... a beard. And I'm pretty sure the whole thing got started, because he sent me a text to let me know that he met a guy at work that had a special comb/gel/balm/something for his beard and of course we were sarcastic about it, because he has had a full grown beard since we were like twelve or some shit like that.

And we weren't making fun of the guy or anything, but we did talk about the fact that there are plenty of trends these days that neither of us understand. I've always been a comfort over style type of gal (I prefer sweats, tees, and my boots above all else) and he's just a plain ole backwoods country boy.... needless to say, neither of us are exactly "trendy." And we're both (or at least, I am and I'm 98.6% sure he is) good with that.... so when someone throws a new "trend" at us, we're confused.

(Except I'm really loving the fact that "mom jeans" are making a comeback, because this gal right here- me- has a whole lot of booty to cover these days and "low rise" and "hip huggers" just ain't cutting it.... not that it ever really did).

Like, the fact that now men are growing beards (this isn't a new thing) and specifically decorating and/or using balm on them. Don't get me wrong, do what you want, but if you want me to explain why someone would want glitter in their beard and to hang ornaments from it, then I can't. As someone who participated in the god awful trend of "give me all the black eyeliner and glitter eye-shadow on the planet" in my teen years, I'm going to just put it out there.... we all regret it later.

Go figure, the one "trend" that I've ever participated in made me look like I should've been an extra on Showgirls circa 1995.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

If you like Pina Coladas.

First things first. I am talking about the Jimmy Buffett pina colada song.... NOT the Rupert Holmes version, because apparently that's a thing? Even though, NO IT'S NOT. And what I want to talk about is how ridiculous (albeit, catchy) this song is.

No worries, I'm not a hater of Jimmy Buffet. (My entire family would disown me).

But you all have to admit that this song is a little ridiculous.... right? I mean, I can't be the only one that thinks this. The song is literally about a married couple that know absolutely NOTHING about each other, so they BOTH decide to have an affair by looking for someone in the newspaper that has similar interests such as themselves (and is probably going to be a victim by not knowing that the person they are dating is married), and as fate would have it they both show up to meet each other, because they answered the others ad.... AND THEN THEY'RE BOTH JUST TOTALLY OK WITH IT AND LAUGH TOGETHER.

How is that even possible? Do they not realize that not only were they about to commit an affair, but they also just found out that so was their spouse? That's not normal.... I mean, I know people cheat (you guys are assholes, stop it), but it's not everyday that they get caught and they all just laugh it off. Like.... huh?! You think I'm reading too much into this? (I totally am). Ok fine, we'll take a look at the lyrics.

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long. Yeah, that's kind of what happens when you decide to commit to one person. Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song. So, not only are you tired of her.... but you also make her sound kind of haggard? So why she lay there sleepin' I read the paper in bed. Because you wouldn't want to contemplate cheating while they're awake. And in the personal columns there was this letter I read. Also, because you were creepin' and looking for some side action.... in the personal columns!

Chorus: If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain. Rain is only sexy in the movies. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain. Anyone who took out a personal column to write this cannot possibly have a full brain. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes at the cape. The cape? Reealllyyy??.... I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape. No offense, but if they're answering this personal ad, they ain't looking for love, sweetcheeks.

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean. Does it now? You have no forethought for your significant other? No, that doesn't sound like a dick move at all. But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine. You couldn't maybe just take up a hobby or go to the f*cking movies? So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad. Dick move. And though I'm no poet, I thought it wasn't half bad. Yes, definitely be proud of the fact you can rhyme while initiating an affair.

Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Again, RAIN IS ONLY SEXY IN THE MOVIES. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. Didn't anyone tell you not to drink alcohol on an empty stomach? Amateur. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. Will your ad even run by tomorrow noon? Aren't you a little picky and impatient considering your current circumstance? At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Escape? Dude, cool your jets, she might not even like you once she meets you.... she might think that you're very unattractive.

So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place. You can't afford high hopes, you're an asshat. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face. She sounds too pretty for you. It was my own lovely lady and she said, "Oh, it's you?" Oh snap, I did NOT see that coming. Also, now she's back to your "lovely lady?" A minute ago she was a "worn-out recording." Then we laughed for a moment and I said, "I never knew." Huh?! Knew what?! That you weren't the only dirty cheater up in your house?

That you liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. You said you've been together for too long.... how do you not know what she likes to drink at this point?! AND RAIN IS NOT SEXY FOR NORMAL PEOPLE, DAMMIT. And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne. What does the ocean feel like? Luke warm and salty? I feel like she might get that when y'all sleep together.... and again, how do you not know what she likes to drink?!! If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. No one does this. You're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape. You didn't need to look for her, and she didn't need to look for you, you both literally already knew each other!

-Chorus again. (**insert eye roll here).

Yes, I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. I'm tired of talking to you, bitches, about rain. I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne. I would definitely need a drink after dealing with either of you two. I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape. There is no red tape, you guys have already seen each other naked! At a bar called O'Malleys where we'll plan our escape. Yes, all of the other patrons of O'Malleys want you to leave soon.

Do you see where I'm going with all of this? The point is, while it is a catchy song (so damn catchy), if you listen to the lyrics too closely and put too much thought into it, you are also going to be sitting there, like me, thinking.... what in the actual f*ck is even happening?

Cheers. (But not with Pina Coladas.... because gross).

Monday, March 20, 2017

Pick a Headline: "Australian teenager mauled after jumping into crocodile-infested river for a dare."

I thought that I would try a new thing, where on occasion, I would choose a headline that I've read and it jumped out on me. I have to say, when I read this article from the "International Business Times" page, it definitely jumped out.

Mostly, because the only thing I could think was, "are you f*cking kidding me?!"

Synopsis of article: An 18-year-old boy bragged to surrounding friends (and girls that he was trying to impress) that he could swim in the treacherous waters of the Johnstone River.... that just so happen to be infested with saltwater crocodiles. Why do I bother with the saltwater part? I'm glad you asked, because saltwater crocs are known to be the deadliest out of all the crocodiles. Honestly, if you're going to have to contend with a croc, you better hope he's from West Africa, because he's the nicest kind.... you know, if that's a thing (it isn't).

My thoughts: Look, I know how it is to be a teen and want people to think you are cool. Not really, considering that I didn't like most people my age, BUT I can understand it. You know what the boys did when I was a teen and they wanted to impress a girl?

They revved their truck.

Or, they wrote you a sweet little note (and insisted that you tell no one that they copied poetry).

Maybe they even brought you flowers.

Or, gave you a ride home.

Sometimes they'd pick you up, drive to the middle of nowhere and have you dance in their truck-bed with them while they played country music.

No matter which of those things that they chose, never once do I recall any of them saying, "I have a great idea! Let's go jump into the riverbed.... THAT'S KNOWN FOR BEING INFESTED WITH ANY AND EVERY DEADLY CROCODILES."

Honestly, I would think most people with common sense would prefer the truck thing, because if you like a guy, you kind of don't want to see him hit the water, immediately start screaming bloody murder, have to drag him out of said water, drive him to a hospital, and then fill out a police report. Seriously dude, JUST GO PICK HER SOME FLOWERS.

While I'm glad that the kid is going to make a full recovery, I do hope that he has enough forethought in his future endeavors to not do something so incredibly stupid and reckless.... and that he uses common sense regularly.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

When I was twelve years old.

I had horrible hair (look at the picture if you need to see just how bad it is.). A friend of mine (kind of friend? I haven't seen her in years and we weren't really close or anything) was going through some old drawers and photos a week or so ago and she found it. And by it, I mean look at this picture.

The girl who's photo it is is the gal wearing the orange shirt and glasses.... the guy is my friend Liz's big brother (and by big brother, I mean BIG.... I once seen a truck hit him and he stood up and moved the truck by hand).

He was real nice and I'm pretty sure it was Liz that took this picture (even though I totally forgot that it existed). The other gal is his girlfriend. But, while I think this picture is great (there's nothing like old photos), the most hilarious part to me is.... my hair.

Because #JeffFoxworthyHairDontCare .

Do y'all see why I am always talking about going through a hair crisis?! I have very clearly had a problem with this mop that I call hair FOR YEARS. You know how you find the people that for real love you and the ones that you should keep in your life?! You look like this and they stick around and still think you look ok. THAT'S HOW. All of the people that I consider my "true friends" have pretty much either seen me with this exact haircut or something equally as atrocious and THEY LOVE ME ANYWAYS. How, I don't know, but they do.

Can you believe that I actually had a boyfriend when I had this hair? I mean, not at twelve, but my hair wasn't much different at fifteen than it is right here (except my bangs were- thankfully- longer) and I had a boyfriend. Two actually. Not at the same time or anything, but I had a "boyfriend" (isn't it hilarious how we all said we had "boyfriends" when we were preteens, but we didn't even really talk to each other?!) in Tennessee and then one when we moved to Florida (don't worry, I talked to him).

Do you see why I don't wear bangs AT ALL anymore? I had huge bangs when I was in elementary school (thanks, mom) and I had these bangs until I was almost sixteen (again, thanks mom) and from sixteen to about twenty-four, I had side bangs. Now that I've finally gotten them to grow out (#thankful) I try to avoid any hairstyle that has bangs or could accidentally turn into them (I know you don't think that could happen, but trust me, it can).

Pale skin and Jeff Foxworthy hair (with a ginger hue). Clearly, I've always been quite the catch.

Friday, March 3, 2017

My entire family almost disowned me.... for loving a Patriot.

(Aka, Rob Gronkowski.). With the exception of my mother (she has my back on this one), every single member of my extended family almost disowned me. Why?! Because my family are Indianapolis Colts fans through and through.... Momma and I are Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

While none of us are New England Patriots fans (seriously, over half of my family throw shit at the tv when the Pats are playing), I am a stone cold R. Gronkowski fan.

Say what you want, but that man is.... well, for lack of a better word, he's fine as hell.

Not only is he fine as hell (seriously, y'all), but he's also a big goofball and along with his foundation (Gronk Youth Foundation/ or as it's mostly referred to- Gronk Nation) raises awareness, funds, and spends a lot of time with kids that are having to live with a variation of illnesses.

What's that? Yeah, he looks like that, is hilarious, and he helps sick kids. Tell me again that my crush is unjustified. It's not. Also, he's pretty much a giant, which is even better. I don't know why, but it is.

The first time I had ever seen anything about Gronk, I didn't even know that he was a NE Patriot. Mostly because the first time that I seen him it was on a episode of Wahlburgers (if you're not watching that show, you're missing out) and he was so giant and goofy. It was pretty hilarious. And then he was on a episode of Ridiculousness and once again.... hilarity.

It's totally worth the majority of my family disowning me.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

My brother is about to be a dad. (Part I).

This morning at 5:30am they (you know, the medical professionals) are inducing my brothers girlfriend. He's extremely excited and completely nervous all at once. He's been through this once with another girl (who happens to be a friend of mine), but they broke up and since the baby technically wasn't his.... you see where I'm going with this?

My brother has wanted to be a dad for as long as I can remember.

He has talked about having kids since we were kids. Our roles have always been kind of reversed in that way.... I have never wanted to be married or have kids. I've never had "that" dream, and I make no apologies for it. I think that some people are just good kid people and some aren't; some people are good at marriage, but it's not always for others. I've always been looked at with a sideways glance from people, because I'm a woman, aren't I supposed to dream of all of these things?

The answer is no, it's just not for me. But.... my brother? He's always wanted to be married and have a house full of kids. He's been searching for the right woman to start a family with for years.... unfortunately, while he's been searching for the right girl, he's went through quite a few duds (don't we all?). He's never been one to put much forethought into anything, he's a "let the road take you where it may" kind of person. Whereas, I am a "let the road take you where it may.... but if there's a bridge washed out by rapid waters ahead, give me a little heads up" kind of person.

The girl that he's with now already had quite a few kids when they got together, and now they are about to have one more. They tried back in April 2014, but as these things go sometimes, it apparently wasn't the time. It's crazy to think about my brother being a dad. I know that he'll do well, but it doesn't make it any less crazy to me.

You see, my brother is 3.5 years older than me.... but for many reasons, it's always kind of been like I was the big sister instead of the baby one. To me, I'm the "baby" sister. I should've been able to be crazy as a teen and call my big brother to get me out of a jam, because I didn't want our parents to find out. He's supposed to be protective and I should be able to lean on him in times of need.... however, those roles have been reversed our entire lives. In fact, it's never been any other way and I wouldn't even know how to go about doing it if it was switched up.

I've always been kind of a level-headed (for the most part) person. I slack with things in my life (#introvert), but never with my responsibilities. I've held a full time job since a little before I was fifteen and I made sure to study so I could do well in school. I did very little "partying" as a teen and in my early twenties, and never went anywhere without people I knew (#trustissues), but then, again, there's my brother.

He trusts everybody and always looks for the good in others. There are times that I envy that mindset, but I never second guess myself. He always tells me: "Katie, you don't trust people, you always see the worst in them." And then I have to reply with: "that's because people are literally the worst." We don't agree on a whole lot, but the fact that I'm cynical, we do.

I've always had his back, even in the times that I probably should have let him get his ass kicked. I've always been the "baby/big" sister. And now, my "big/somehow I think of him as a baby" brother is about to be a dad.

A legit dad.

I didn't take off work to go to the hospital (am I a jerk for that?), but there are people there and we're going after I get off of work. (Momma and Poot will probably go sometime this morning too). And I guess, depending on how long it takes, I'll be meeting my new nephew this afternoon. Oh, did I forget to mention that? They're having a boy.