Halloween 2019 is what some might consider to be a bust.

D has to work tonight, so the pups and I will be lone rangering it together at the house. It's weird spending a Halloween alone, but without Momma, I suppose it's something that I'll need to get used to. If that's even possible. 

Usually we spend Halloween surrounded by delicious candy, booze, and scary movies, but since I'm on my own, I'll probably just end up maybe cleaning the disaster zone that I call a house, doing some laundry, grabbing a bite to eat (I can't decide if I want to order a sandwich or have leftover Brunswick stew), and cuddling in with the pups. 

I'm just such a party animal.

Maybe I will watch a scary movie, but who really knows? I may just end up bingeing Hawaii Five-0 in between folding laundry (ugh) and taking shots of Fireball. Which reminds me, I should stop by the store on the way home and pick up a bottle of wine.... don't wanna have to go out again after I get home. It's cold as hell and rainy out, and they're calling for snow flurries, so who even knows if they'll be trick or treaters out this evening. 

Basically, this is the first Halloween in my life where I'm not excited. But, at least there's hilarious videos of Kevin Hart and The Rock to entertain me first thing in the morning....

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Mind yo' own damn business, CINDY. ಠ益ಠ

Me: *types into WebMD* "Why do I get a pain in my back when I chug copious amounts of wine?!"
WebMD Commenter: "Couldn't you just.... like.... not chug copious amounts of wine?!"
Me: "Can you just.... like.... mind your own damn business and let me consult with my primary physician over here, CINDY?!"

D and I have been in full on hibernation mode lately. It's not even been that cold out (although he would insist that it's been freezing and I'm trying to give him hypothermia), but it's been just grey and icky enough out to make you want to do nothing but nap and cuddle.

In fact, I don't usually take naps, but today seems like the perfect day to get into it. Unfortunately, I have to be an adult and work.... and clean house.... and do laundry.... and cook supper.... and shower.

Ugh, the glamorous life that is mine. (But, in all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way).

With all of this hibernation time we've been putting in, I've been making good use of my new(ish) Instant Pot and we've been bingeing Sons of Anarchy and Hawaii Five-0. (SOA we do together, H50 I sometimes do completely on my own.... I love it!). Our pups have even gotten into it, taking naps and cuddling into the blankets like there's no tomorrow. I hate being hot or having a hot house, so I try to keep the heat at a minimum.... much to D's chagrin.

Also, with this hibernation onset, alcohol has been a constant in my life. Not saying that I don't drink when it's hot out, but there's just something about drinking some booze while eating chili and binge watching our shows while cuddling my pups that makes me happy. Say what you will, but it's my thing and I love it.

I mean.... homebody that doesn't like to be in public or do anything that requires actual skills or effort?! That's the understatement of the f*cking century.

Tayder.... forever helping me live out my Wizard of Oz dreams. ❤️

My house is insane and messy and chaotic.... just like my life.

I love my little house. It's sweet, cozy, full of memories, close to my job, wacky, cluttered, eclectic, and most importantly, it's MINE. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and while most people would think that it's "not enough" or that it might not be in the best neighborhood, I would say.... suck it. Because I love it.

I don't really have a style or theme in my house. I'm just not that kind of person. I don't necessarily "decorate" in any way, I just pretty much see something that I like and bring it home. I've always been like that as far back as I can remember. While my friends insisted on painting their rooms certain colors and organizing everything with matching furniture, I was just adding to my collection of nonsense as far as the eye can see.

Momma always joked that I'm a hoarder, and she wasn't wrong. I am. I don't hoard weird things like on that television show (ie: dead animals, trash, etc.), but I do hoard any and everything that I like.

And since my house is so small, and I'm so strange, most people are a little taken aback by the layout of it. Mostly because, the living room is our bedroom, the second bedroom is our spare room (my brother has the first bedroom at the moment), and I have a giant freezer in my living room. Also, the closets are whatever I want them to be and I have cabinets and shelves throughout the whole thing with miscellaneous items. It's weird to people.... but it works for me and I love it.

I was told that was the most important part. Apparently, you're supposed to surround yourself with things that make you happy and organize your life to suite yourself. My life is utter chaos and that's reflected in the house. And I love that. I love that it doesn't work for most people, but it works for me. And I'm going to keep doing it that way.

Sure, most people think it's odd, but I'm odd, and the fact that I can watch tv while laying on my bed eating takeout and reach into my freezer for my liquor makes me.... well.... me. And D and my pups are good with it too. My brother thinks it's insane, and my uncle thinks I'm off my rocker, but honestly have they met me? Of course it is and of course I am.

And the fact that I'm going to just keep adding shit and being weird and hoarding the most random things is so truthful that it's borderline psychotic. But, you know what? I'm good with it.

I don't have the heart to tell her they creep me the f*ck out.

When D moved to Indy so we could be together, we both knew that he would miss his family something terrible. He doesn't complain about it often and never tries to make me feel guilty about it, but I know deep down that he misses seeing them as often as he once did.

Luckily, his mom has been able to make a few trips up in the last year, once even bringing one of his nephews, and now more than ever, we've learned that Facetime can be a beautiful thing.... like when she facetimed us during his brothers baby shower and we got to partake in the festivities, even though we couldn't technically be there in person.

With that being said, we are planning a trip for the beginning of next year, and hope to make it down sometime in March. D knows how much I hate the heat (even though I would endure it so he could see his family), so he wants to go down while it's still fairly cool.

We'll of course be taking our three pups and driving his car for the journey. Since we can fold down the backseats and make a giant palette, it should be fairly comfortable. Even though Tayder will demand to sit up front with me the whole time, because he is not a backseat kind of pup. We plan to see the majority of his family (mom, stepdad, dad, brother, sister, grandparents, etc.) and one of my uncles that doesn't live too far from his grandparents. It should be real nice.

His mom insists that we spend the majority of time at their house, as they live on a few acres of land and have room for days. They have horses, pigs, dogs, ducks, chickens, cats, etc. and with my love of animals, she figured it would be a good fit. She is also pretty adamant that she's going to take me riding, since I've never been on a horse in my entire life.

Yes, the girl who grew up on a farm, surrounded by other peoples farmland, working tobacco, hauling cattle, hunting, fishing, and generally being in the middle of nowhere backcountry, has never been on a horse. But.... that's not by accident. You see, horses freak me the f*ck out.

I'm an awful "girl" by way of, I don't think they're majestic or magical creatures (unless you put a horn and some glitter on them), although I will admit that there is something freeing and amazing at watching them run through fields, or in moments like Dances with Wolves. I've never had the fantasy about being "rescued" by a prince on a white horse and I never wanted to own a "pony" growing up. And I never understood the girls that did.

It's not that I hate them or anything, they're beautiful creatures, I just happen to prefer cows. Not saying that's a substitute, but you get the idea. I even took an Ag class in high school where we had to count the hands high of horses and I was all about the book work, but didn't necessarily love the dealing with horses one on one part.

I know, I know. TRUST ME, I KNOW how ridiculous this sounds. You would think that my twenty-nine year old ass would be over this ridiculousness at this point, but I am not. In fact, there are very few things that creep me out in life.... outer space, ventriloquist dummies, Freddie Krueger, and horses. (Now that I think about it, the list of things that freak me out is getting longer and I'm not sure if that's anxiety related or I'm just a f*cking psycho?)

The sad thing is though, no one knows about this. And it's not necessarily a fear or anything, like the thought of horses doesn't freak me out, but the thought of being with them or riding them.... I kind of might have a slight anxiety attack. Which isn't that bad anymore, considering that I have so many anxiety attacks that they all just kind of blend together at this point.

But, she is most definitely looking forward to teaching me how to "ride" and while I want to panic and shake my head no, I don't have the heart to tell her that the animals she loves so much might kill her DIL. Not to be dramatic, but I'm being dramatic.

I guess come March, we shall see how this goes.

It's about time to relax and get some pup snuggles in.

This has been an incredibly long and exhausting week. And maybe that's because I drank too much on Wednesday night, or maybe it's because a friend of mine has been going through a rough time and needed to lean on me.... maybe it's neither of those things and I'm just exhausted as a person in general. It really could be any of them.

But, it's finally Friday and while I have to do a few things after work today (ie: run to the grocery store, finish cleaning the house, and do laundry), I'm hoping to not do a whole lot else the rest of the weekend. 

My brother, his girlfriend, and the baby are staying over tonight, but they'll be heading back to their house probably on Saturday morning, so after that I plan on not doing much of anything. I think even D has to work on Saturday. 

So.... maybe I'll just not wear pants and watch the new Breaking Bad movie on Netflix. Maybe I'll find and start a different show and binge-watch that. Who knows? Perhaps, a few scary movies. The point is, once I get off of work today and do the things I have to do this evening, nobody bother me, because I'm checking out.

When your boss tells you that you're getting a raise.... and it's a good one.

It's a pretty frantic world that we live in. -Mary Chapin Carpenter

This weekend was.... eventful. And hectic. And chaotic. And *insert all those other things that go with that here*

While I won't go into in depth detail about why or how, just know that I got an unexpected surprise that changes many things. While it doesn't change my life, or feelings, it does change a few circumstances.... honestly that's not entirely accurate, because it does change my life in a sense.

No, I'm not pregnant.
No, D and I didn't get married.
Yes, all of our furbabies are still with us.
No, we're not moving.

While I would like to say it was a relaxing weekend and we got plenty of rest, that just isn't the case. Saturday found D and I running around like chickens with our heads cut off, doing errands, and reviewing paperwork, and essentially everything except cleaning our house.

Sunday was just as hectic with my brother insisting I run his important errands with him in the morning and that afternoon, D's family facetimed us, because his brother and sister-in-law-to be were having their baby shower and they wanted to include us in the event. I sent them a baby gift from us (I forgot until late and it arrived at D's mom's house the day before.... just in time!), and they seemed to love it.

Their babies middle name is going to be Maverick, so I sent a little onesie that had a picture of aviators on it that said "Talk to me, Goose." He was ecstatic. She cried. And now I want a "Talk to me, Goose" shirt.

Through all of that, and all of the things that we got accomplished, do you know what didn't get accomplished? Cleaning the house (I HAVE to do that today when I get home.... it looks like a cyclone hit it!) and sleep. While sleep almost always eludes me (even with my meds), it's still incredibly frustrating when you can't do it while you have the time to. (I couldn't even sleep last night, therefore I was up at 3:00am and have been at work since a little before 6:00am.)

But, we did complete season one of Sons of Anarchy and transitioned into season two, so there's that. (As most people know, I am OBSESSED with SOA, but D has never seen it.... but now I have him hooked!).

All in all, this weekend was.... interesting.

Letting go of Momma's car was far harder than I ever imagined.

Awhile back I talked about the fact that I had decided to sell Momma's old car (our car together) for parts, as it needed some work and I couldn't find the title. Even though I ran into some characters (and shitheads) on FB Marketplace, I made the decision that was still my best bet, as I have sold a couple of tables, AC units, etc. on there and had some luck.

Her car hadn't been driven in over two years (ever since we got Ricardo in May 2017), with the exception of moving it from Aunt Poot's to our backyard (they let us store her car in their lot while we were in the transition of being kind of homeless, but not). After her surgery she couldn't drive and since we had Ricardo, she made me assure her that I wouldn't drive it (she felt like Ricardo was much safer.... and she was right). That's why we got him.

The decision to get rid of Betsy (aka the Sunfire) was a hard one. I put it off for a long time and insisted that "one of these days" I would get around to it. But, I knew that it was something I needed to do.... something that Momma would want me to do. Afterall, she absolutely hated to have "junk" or "rundown old cars" just sitting in a yard. She said it cluttered them up and made them look trashy.

I had a couple of hits that showed some interest in good ole Betsy, with a couple of people even coming by to check it out, but they fell through. And of course there were those people that have to be assholes no matter what they're doing. It's amazing to me that there are actually people that think it's ok to just treat people horribly or say the most inappropriate things. Not as a joke between friends, but as a creeper to a stranger.

The entire process became much more draining than what I had originally envisioned it to be.

Last week though, a man contacted me and wanted to come by on Sunday with a battery (the only thing wrong with Betsy was the battery) to listen to her run. He and his wife came by Sunday morning and once he took her around the block and listened to her they decided it was a good match.

You see, they do derby. And once I got to thinking about it, the fact that Momma's car is going to be turned into a little badass brawler was extremely fitting and made me smile. But, watching them actually load it up on their trailer and drive away.... watching them take my Momma's car.... that was hard.

Not even just hard, it was.... painful. I know it seems silly, but I'd be telling lies if I said I didn't cry. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, so I tried to hold it back until I was alone, but the tears were most definitely pushing through.

In all honesty, I'm still incredibly sad about it. I know that it was something that needed to be done, and I know that Momma would be proud and would have insisted that I do it, but that doesn't make it any easier. Nothing makes any of this entire process easier.... and I do mean nothing.

But, as my Momma's daughter, I have to try.