I don't know what it's gonna be... but we have all the ideas.

Ever since we became firm in our decision to cut bait with Indy and head South we've been talking about our next steps. Fixing up our house to sell... deciding on future homes... debating our work to life balance and how that translates into our future work load... imagining sunshine as opposed to the frigid death that is currently blowing outside.

Seriously, feels like the movie "The Thing" out there. Frigid and not entirely unsettling. 

Intertwined with all these decisions and unknowns are also a bunch of questions that Dev has been asking me forever but I've never really had an answer for him. Sweetheart, what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What kind of life do you want to live? What makes you happy?

And honestly? I don't know. And I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm thirty-five so how could I possibly NOT know? And yet, here we are. I've always been more of a "I have to work, I'll get to that later" type of person. Before I stopped going to therapy, I was referred to as exhibiting "hyperarousal." And no, that isn't as dirty minded as it sounds... it means I live in a constant state of "fight or flight." 

Doesn't stop there though... did you know with fight or flight also comes freeze or fawn? It was all new to me and I'm not sure I followed it all as well as I would have liked but basically it shoved a mirror in my face and made me see I was a people-pleasing bundle of nerves ready to crack at the first sign of failure. Apparently when it's "always up to you" to find the solution or your entire family is screwed... and you start that shit at fourteen... and who knows what leading up to that... well... there tends to be some long-lingering side effects.

As in... I don't really know who I am as a person. I mean, I'm getting there and have a better handle on it now than what I ever have... but I'm not really there yet. Deep down? I know who I am. In my soul and how I want to treat people... but the pieces that make up me? I got nothing.

But, I'm trying. And Dev is as supportive and loving as he's ever been with all of it. I could deadass look that man in the face and tell him I never want to work a day in my life ever again and if I really meant it, I truly believe he would find a way to make it happen. He's the first and only person in my entire life to want me to do any and everything I want and to hold absolutely none of me back. Big personality? No problem for him.

He's got that soulmate shit on lock.

So I've been thinking about things I might want to do. Hobbies I might want to try... even if I end up hating them. I want to try things I've never had the opportunity to pursue and find out if I love them or if they're just an annoying little fantasy. I want to do new things and go on adventures and spend as much time as humanly possible with my husband. If we're going to rebuild this new life... I want us as happy as possible for the rest of it.

First things first... we have to narrow down our camper. I think we've decided to go used and possibly buy second hand. We want it to basically function however we need it to start out and we'll do all the upgrades and changes as time goes on. Something nice but not ridiculous. We want to learn how to run everything on solar and learn how to do all maintenance and customization on our own.

And then... I want to fill it with love and music and puppies. Make it cozy and homey but entirely us. 

We both want a massive garden... fruits, vegetables, herbs, flowers, and shrubbery. And then I want to get back into canning and baking and homesteading. Make my own bread and figure out how to use these plants medicinally and get lost in the process of it all.

Books... podcasts... radio... television... social media... firsthand life experience.

Refurbishing that table with my MIL over Thanksgiving was so much fun and Dev and me got lost in the process. It's not something I've ever done but have always been interested in. She explained what I needed to do and when I messed up or wasn't sure, she was patient and understanding. Always has been, always is, and probably forever will be. Dev mentioned it to me when we were talking and said he had never seen me invest in something and it hold my attention to the point I didn't walk away. Which is fair, because my attention span is nonexistent. But... this I liked. And I want to do more of it, I think. I already have ideas for furniture we're taking with us and things we'll want and I can do in the future. Will it happen? I don't know... but I'm excited to find out. 

I want to get my nose re-pierced and get a bunch more tattoos. Green hair? If possible, I want to keep it forever. My SIL (hi, Cait!) insists that she's never met a person in her entire life that looks like they have green hair naturally... but it somehow looks like it should've grown right out of my own head that way. I want to cut the collar off ALL my shirts and wear shoes as little as possible. Like I said before, feral Katie is my favorite Katie.

I want to collect antiques and make them useful again... maybe find an old Singer sewing machine, fix it up and get back into sewing. Clothes and quilts... helpful shit for our lives that can translate into love. Maybe find an old wringer washer and hang up a clothes line. Simple things that people have upgraded in their lives and forgot where it started. 

I want to look into having bees... and learning to weld... maybe take up crazy painting. Learn how to put a lift on and do the maintenance to our Bronco. Build a lean-to and gather pieces of the universe around us to build a sanctuary.

We plan to follow my in-laws around and make them our besties. Dev has missed his family on a level that I could never explain and the thought of getting to hang out with them and have dinners and adventures and family time? Serene. I'm gonna follow my FIL around and make him teach me shit. Hell, you can learn from the man just standing next to him. And while he's talking bikes with Dev... I'll be talking paint versus stain with my MIL. Maybe we'll finally even get around to her putting me on a horse. I mean... they're a horse family and she used to barrel-ride... if anybody is gonna teach me some shit, it would be her.

We want to see our niece and nephews grow firsthand... not just in pictures and video calls. We want to be apart of their childhoods and be known as their "free spirit" aunt and uncle. We want them to know they can come to us and they'll find nothing but love and understanding and patience. We want to grow with them and get to see the amazing people they become. Do I want to pick up your kid from school and be the adult responsible for their well being? Absolutely not. But, do I want to go on that list that says I'm one of the most trusted adults that their lives have to offer? Desperately. Put us on the f*cking list.

And yeah, I don't know how we're going to manage all this or how we're gonna get there... but you know what? We're gonna do it together and get there eventually because it's what we want. Neither of us know what the future holds as far as our jobs... but that's literally the only thing. (Truthfully, when it comes down to it, if we could both work part-time at the same place on the same shift we'd be just as happy as anything else... even though I'm really beseeching the universe to find that remote position).

We don't know what life is going to look like when we get there... it's a new beginning... but we do know what we want to build towards. And honestly? I'll take that over misery any day. Just having a plan and pushing this to be our reality has made changes in the both of us. We know what we want and what we don't want and we can figure out the details along the way... together.

But, if y'all could manifest some ease and sprinkle-sprinkle out into the universe for us? I would greatly appreciate it. Because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming... even though we're working on it.

Hopefully, it's the last long drive before the BIG one.🌞🌻🌞🌻🌞

We spent Thanksgiving week in Florida with Dev's side of the family. We don't usually go down for holidays... we're more of a "come down for vacation once a year and for emergencies and unplanned happy events (ie: weddings and Jelly concerts)" type of folks... but Dev's mom asked us two or three months ago if we would come down this year... and... well... I can't tell that woman no to save my whole life.

Sooo... I worked Monday and then we headed South. (With my trusty laptop in tow because I still had some shit to do for the rest of the week because no rest for the weary and all that).

The trip down was pretty good... we made decent timing and our pups were chill and enjoyed the ride. Sure, it's always alot, but once we're there... we're good to go. You know why? Because we pulled up to my MIL's around nine in the morning... parked Trudy... and didn't start her again until we left out for my FIL's on Saturday evening. When I tell you my in-laws are the best, I ain't bullshitting.

The trip back North? Stupid. Between "Severe Winter Weather" advisories and people not realizing they're operating a vehicle so they should probably be paying attention to that... it was mayhem. We ended up taking backroads for the last forty miles of our trip home, because the interstate backed up and people were acting a fool. 

I digress. Mostly because I refuse to spend anymore time trying to figure people out. At least for the time being.

Our pups were probably the most excited. Between all the attention, snacks, cuddles, and general merriment of their existence, they were living their best lives.

My Gatorbaby? He always thrives when he's home. What can I say? He's a Sunshine State boy through and through. He's never not happy and breathtaking when we're there. He loves his family and the happiness that pours out of him when we're around them damn near brings tears to my eyes every damn time.

Me? I also thrive down South. I'm what my FIL (Pops) refers to as feral... barefoot, sunburnt, hair unbrushed, legs unshaved... it's chaos of the highest order. And I fuckin' love it. So does my husband and his entire family. Peaceful Katie is the best Katie.

With all the changes headed our way... we're hoping the next trip we have to make down South is THE last trip and therefore, moving time. *fingers-crossed*

Life has been stressful and chaotic lately... between life changes and house renovations and pups with skin irritation and frigid weather and people in general... yeah, it's just been overwhelming. So, we needed to get away and have a break and spend some time with people we love the most and love us the best.

We spent Thanksgiving with all the family that got to come over and the rest of our days were spent relaxing, hanging out with my in-laws (and one of my SIL's for a couple days), doing projects (ie: refinishing a table and watching my FIL put together a four-wheeler), watching my hubby do some bomb-ass tattoos on my MIL and SIL, and just imagining and planning our future.

When I tell you I've been a nervous wreck and overwhelmed... I ain't lying. The unknown and instability and changes that are coming have been on my brain and playing on loop for weeks on end. I've driven myself to the brink and back more than once. I honestly thought I was about to break in half. But... when they assured us we weren't alone and were welcome and loved and missed and needed? Something in me calmed and shifted. Sure, this is still scary... but worth it and thrilling. I'm still scared because of the unknown but I feel better knowing my hubby's family has our backs.

And the life we're trying to build and is on the horizon? Riveting.

I'm just gonna go ahead and leave this right here.😍

You ever find a picture of your significant other and you're like... yeah... that's the good stuff right there?! Happened to me. Because this hilarious little piece of nostalgia? Exactly the reason I fell in love with this man. He makes me smile and my little heart happy. No one ever has to convince me that soulmates exist, because I definitely found mine all those years ago. xoxo

We're in the process of: get us the f*ck outta here.😵‍💫😮‍💨🥴

Have you ever been... done? Like, I don't like it... I can't take it... I don't want it... done? Happened to us. And why did it happen to us? You can thank this city and all it encompasses. 

Where to start? More shootings and violence down the street from us than you can shake a stick at. It's ridiculous and overwhelming. Do you know how disheartening it is to turn on the radio and constantly hear your neighborhood on the news? And yeah, I know there's violence and horrible shit no matter where you go... but the fact there are almost a million people in this city and people don't give a shit to open their crazy in the streets with innocent bystanders... well... here we are. And I want to get the f*ck OUT. I just picture the life I have... the life I want... and they are very different.

The life I want doesn't include nasty people, or terrible situations, or overwhelming amounts of stress. The life I currently have... does. And I want peace and calm and stability. I want to be able to be my weird self and those around me just love me for me... no other reason or rhyme, no manipulations, no guilt, no judgment, just because I'm me and they love me.

So... I went to my boss. And I laid it all out. Told her about the stress and nastiness of our surroundings being overwhelming. I want out of this city and situation. But... I love my job, so it was the last man standing between me and this decision. I don't want to leave my job... I've built it for going on fourteen years and it's a piece of me. Something I take pride in. Something I have complete faith and confidence in doing. I asked to transition to a remote position. And I asked this with the understanding that it wasn't guaranteed, but with the thought that I was willing to give/take and do so much to make it work, that it could be a very real possibility. I know everyone in a company is expendable. I have no illusions that I run the show (I'm very aware I don't), but I have always done whatever is asked of me and I have exceeded every single expectation that they have ever presented to me. I've helped pull the company back from the brink multiple times. Not on my own, but as a dedicated member of the team. Put policies and procedures in place to ensure the company could move forward and streamlined as much as possible. Again, not on my own... but as a dedicated member of the team. They've quite literally never presented me with an issue where I didn't look at it and say, well, we gotta do what we gotta do and then we got it done.

But... the answer was no. I couldn't really tell you the reasoning why other than it's "not feasible" and comes down to "financial" at the end of the day. I was asked though... could I train this other girl in the office to do my job and then work for my company until I'm settled once I move and then I can figure out my next steps? I mean, sure? I guess I'll just do my job until you decide you don't need me anymore and then call it a day? Thanks for not just kicking me to the curb immediately I reckon.

Fourteen years. Damn near a decade and a half. And here we are. 
Guess they really didn't like the green hair.

Anyways... our will to get the f*ck out of Indy hasn't changed. We're doing it differently than what we imagined and I'm certainly more terrified of this change than I've ever been, but I'm also excited and ready to get the f*ck out of here. I'm ready to have peaceful mornings and be in the country and live a small and quiet life with my husband and our babies. 

Should've cut bait when I lost my Momma. Really should've cut bait when we got tackled by a guy with a knife on our motorcycle going over 40 mph. Should've cut bait when my brother did whatever it is he does. I'm learning I should've done this a long f*cking time ago.

I think people are forgetting the fact it takes very little to make us happy and I don't actually have the need to have a "career." Bro, I love it and I'm proud of it... but... I'll be ok with just a job too. Doesn't have to be a career. We can literally just work to live, not live to work. And Walmart seems to be hiring night shift.

We don't need alot... and we'll figure out the rest. The most important part? It's that we have each other, we're in this together, and one way or the other, we will figure it out. Starting with getting ready to sell this house and bounce.

So... watch out, Florida. Because within the next year (if we can manage to pull this shit off), the Glissons are coming back. And this time, we're coming home to stay. (Not counting the fact we'll see you next week for Thanksgiving).

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

💖💚🪄Oh baby, baby, it's a witchy world.💖💚🪄

Dev and me live a *very* simple life... we do the minimum outside errands that life requires us to... and then we're back at our house together and having fun. When you're married to your bestie and surrounded by people who don't care or are terrible, you tend to be more than ok staying in your little hobbit hole and hanging out.

We laugh... binge watch our favorite shows and movies... tattoo... have self-care days... take care of our pups... paint random murals... do laundry... try new recipes... dream of our future life.

This past weekend? My baby went all out and proved that he is a f*cking BEAST. How? Well... just look at my hair. That's right, he gave me the ultimate SEA WITCH HAIR and I am OBSESSED. 

Y'all... it's been so long since I've done anything to my hair other than let it grow. I haven't colored, bleached, highlighted, cut, styled... basically anything to my hair in years. In fact, I think that last time I got my hair dyed/cut was the week of our wedding... and it was such a dramatic change that I think it shocked me into pause or something.

So... it's been a good five years. And since I had my hair chopped off up to above my chin and buzzed in the back.... guess who had virgin hair?! That's right... been a minute but that shit does reestablish. Bless Dev's heart... he could care less how I actually wear my hair... but... like anybody else, the man does have a preference. And that preference happens to not be a super short cut involving a razor. So here he's been the last five years... watching my hair grow out of my head... watching with bated breath everytime I decide to trim it myself... and I know he's just been hoping I won't have another snap and CHOP.

No worries on the chopping... I love having this shit long. Feels like a mane. But... I did want SOMETHING. And that something was purple and/or pink hair. I couldn't decide. So... off to the land of misfit toys (Sally's Beauty) to pick up some supplies.

And after debating between purple and pink... we settled on green. BECAUSE COME ON I am forever living my best little witchy life and I deserve to show it. 

Also... when I say I planned to do this and then quickly established I was WAY in over my head... well.

In my defense, I used to do my hair ALL the time. I started experimenting with it when I was like twelve years old and had a damn good run. Sure, I've been to salons throughout my life, but the majority of it? Me, myself, and I... you know... after Momma stopped cutting my hair and giving my 1983 bangs. I DIGRESS. The point is, this ain't my first rodeo.

However... I haven't had this much hair since I was a little girl (maybe not ever?) and it is ALOT thicker than what I thought. It always has been... but it's thinned throughout the years and with age. Nice to know... I still got plenty. 

I literally unloaded the Sally's bag onto our table and immediately became overwhelmed. Not to be discouraged... my Gatorbaby stepped right up and was like, I got this. Mind you... he has never before dealt with bleach or dye. I mean... I've dyed his hair, but him taking the reigns? Not so much.

I explained what needed to happen and with no hesitation he jumped in. Were we nervous and unsure? Sure. Did that stop us? Absolutely not. The part that pissed him off the most? When I explained that bleach does not lather and he had to regroup and reform his gameplan. After that though? Smooth sailing.

He strapped me right into his tattoo chair, hung my hair off the back and went to town. 

NO HESITATION. NO SURRENDER. NO MAN LEFT BEHIND. #THUNDERGUN

And now... now I have magical hair that makes me feel like a whole new version of me. Dev says it suits me very well because I'm the little witch that put and kept a spell on him and now my hair just reflects that. Personally, I'm in love and may have some form of green hair until I can no longer dye it at all. Lucky for me, I married a damned ole artist that knows no bounds.

Last thing...now that we've established I have amazing green hair and Dev has amazing pink hair (because don't think for one second we didn't refresh that shit and make it POP)... how much we remind y'all of Cosmo and Wanda? 

Was it on purpose? No. Are we happy about the coincidence? Absofuckinglutely.

Once 3:30PM Friday hits... we're on vacay time... until Monday at 5:00AM.

While me and Dev don't live a "crazy" life... we do live a fun life. No... we don't party or run amuck... in fact, y'all would probably think we're boring as homemade sin.

But, I digress... because I think we live a fun life. Not your kind of fun, but ours.

And sure, once we get our lives aligned with how we really want to live them (#thatrvlifeoutofthecitytho) we'll be happier... but for now... we do what we can to make ourselves happy and enjoy ourselves in the now.

One of the things I've always loved doing was having sort of... "maintenance" days. I think most people will know what I'm talking about. You know... everything showers, nails, hair, maybe a hair mask or something, that kind of thing. Nothing fancy, but definitely relaxing and fun. Afterall, nothing makes you relax more than being all clean and rubbed down in your soothing fancy oils, right? RIGHT?!!?!

I like how I say fancy like it's not just coconut/vanilla oil... but whatever.

Anyways... Dev totally jumps in on this with me for some of my nonsense because not only is he my husband, but he's also my bestie and we like to do things that the other enjoys with them.

This weekend? We were both in desperate need of toenail day (and yes... my amazing hubby lets me paint his toenails and he doesn't give a shit what anybody thinks about it) and while I've been wanting to do something different and fun with my hair... Dev actually let me have some fun with his.

It was a regular ole day of neon orange toenails... and fetish pink hair. F*cking love it.

The only problem with him having pink hair is... now I want pink f*cking hair too. Actually, I've been wanting pink hair and still dyed his pink before mine, so really this is my fault BUT HUSH.

And honestly, can we all just take a minute to appreciate how f*cking baller Splat hair dye still is? I used to use this shit back in my hayday and was wondering if it still worked and guess what? Sure as shit does. Most people hate it because it literally dyes ANY and EVERY thing it comes in contact with (and it's probably horrible for your hair health?)... but honestly it may be the messy trash child in me... I f*cking love that. It ain't a fun hair day if there ain't a mess.

Also... can we just take another minute to appreciate the fact that we're all adults and the majority of us are perfectly comfortable with how we all choose to look? Sure... Dev and me get some strange looks when we go out in public... I mean, we're usually in pjs, covered in tattoos, and have wild hair... and no one seems to bat an eye except older people who have nothing better to do. The Karens and Kraigs of the world, if you will. The rest of us? You do you, BooBoo. We don't give a shit. You want a bullring? Get a f*cking bullring.

Things are crazy and life is insane and the economy is shit and things keep piling up and there's always a million things you wish could be different... but at the end of the day... at least I have my person that makes me happy and chooses me every single day. No matter what. And that? That gets me through it all. 

Now if you'll excuse us... we have many more crazy plans and dreams to live. With pink hair.

💕We celebrated the best way we could think of.💕💕

We don't need fancy... we just need us. And we are simple creatures with nothing but love for one another.

Our five year anniversary. Seems insane... like we got married two weeks and twenty years ago all at once. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Ups, down, lefts, rights... through all of life's chaos and unknowns, I never have to worry about who will stand next to me through the storm.

Because it's him. My husband... my person... quite literally the entity in which my entire universe orbits. Sound insane and borderline stalkerish? Don't worry... he feels the same with me. Devoted... inspired... awestruck... OBSESSED. And I am fucking here for it.

In fact... we talked about it the other night and while he always dreamed of having a wife that would rub his feet... I always dreamed of a husband (well... I didn't actually want a husband until him so just a man) that was as obsessed with me as Gomez was with Morticia. 

Devotionally. Eternally.... guess we both got what we wanted. 

(And yeah, why wouldn't I rub his feet? He rubs mine too and even if he didn't eff off).

I took a half day at work so we could spend more of our actual anniversary together. While I would have loved to have stayed in bed and been woken up naturally by the nuzzling of my husband... sometimes being an adult dictates that you have to pull up your big girl panties and do shit you don't wanna do... and it fucking sucks.

I digress... because with a halfer came iced coffee and pup cups for the family, jammies all day for the Glissons (as is our usual uniform when we're together) and then Dev and I decided to go look at RVs (yes, in jammies... no, we don't give a shit). Why? Because we've decided that we're working towards a whole different life and we want to convert to an RV and homestead. Remember that peace I was talking about us craving? Yeah... we want that. And bees... I wanna have fucking bees! So yeah... while I don't have a timeline or really any plan at all... there is in fact a plan. The plan of a happy life.

Neither of us had ever been to look at RVs... hell neither of us had been in an RV period that was commissioned before 1997. The closest we could come up with? Dev stayed in an old school Silver Bullet for awhile in his late teens/early twenties... and I used to live in a tent. So... there's that.

But we told the people at Camping World what we were wanting to do and they took us to fifth wheels and told us to start there. We did... and holy shit. While we've talked about it and believe a destination trailer will be more our speed and style for what we want... we both had to admit... those bitches were NOICE. And now we have at least a general idea of what's out there to offer... what we want and don't want... and it ramped us both up to wanting it right now.

Like I said... it's a process... but we want the process to be immediate. So if y'all could manifest with us for that miracle and sprinkle sprinkle? We'd greatly appreciate it.

After we looked around the lot for an hour or so we headed back to the house (with about five million things to talk about) and decided to do another of our favorites... tattoo. Well... he loves to tattoo, I love to get tattooed, so you know. The tattoo? A naughty Bugs and Lola on the back of my left thigh. The inspiration? That shit is hilarious and we were into it. That's it... that's literally reason enough.

One WRTTMM the next day later and we spent the entire weekend together and making plans and talking and hanging out and just being us. It was incredible... and simple... and the best. Here's to the five and one hundred fifty forever more!

I love you, Gator.

🐝I just want to be a beekeeper and live a peaceful f*cking life.🐝🐝

Y'all ever have one of those days where you think to yourself, "if I could guarantee the outcome, I'd be all in?" Yeah, that's me... only... not so much a day as an existential crisis. But whatever... I'm trying.

Dev and me live in Indy because of my job. Full stop... no other reason. Honestly, if it wasn't for my job, my ass would've bounced when I lost momma. Why? Because the city is not for me and I am woefully unhappy here. And yeah, I know there's nonsense and meanness no matter where you go... but I feel better about it in the country. I know how to handle it in the country. This city life? Pass. Too much, too many, too close, too soon, just TOO EXCESSIVE.

But here we sit... because financial stability. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sure, it's not the most glamorous position in the world, but it's mine and I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's only so far to climb in my company, but I feel like I have value as an employee and honestly, that's enough for me. I've never wanted fancy or to be "a boss bitch" so where I'm at is a good little spot for me. I know my job and not to toot my own horn, but I'm fairly efficient and know my shit... mostly. So yeah, I love my job and everything that it's given me. I never thought I would make the money I do in the position I'm in with the level of background and education I have.

However... if I could do my exact job remotely? From somewhere that doesn't require me to be in this city and try to build our lives here? From literally our peaceful little spot that we dream of? Yeah... I would love it even more. And the thing is... my job can be done remotely. We've tried it... succeeded in the short term... I can only imagine the level I could accomplish if I built a hub in our home and set everything from my office up. I truly believe I could not only do it, but do it just as well as what I do from here. BUT... I don't know if that would even be an option. It's never been done before in our company... and I don't know if it would be something they would be open to even discussing. I mean, sure it's never been done... but then again, my position didn't even exist until we built it into what we needed.

So yeah, that worries me because the stability I have at my job is unmatched by everything else I've encountered in my life. And while I would love to be the freespirit I feel on the inside, the fact remains that I've been working to support a family since I was fourteen years old and that part of my brain just won't shut off. You know, the... we'll have to start over, budgeting columns, what-ifs... all of it. It won't stop and it won't shut down and honestly it's running on a loop in my head driving me crazy.

However... if me and Dev keep talking and it comes down to it, I'll have a choice to make. I would try to establish the remote position first... try everything I could... but if that wasn't an option, I would have to choose. And the choice would be... stay in Indy for my career and chance that everything will be there for us until we get to retirement... or take the gamble and move my husband back to his family.

While it would be a hard decision to restart... it's also getting harder to justify my career over our happiness. Because lord knows my hubby is as unhappy here as I am. If he had his way, we would've been back in the sunshine state a few years ago.

And it's not like we haven't tried to build something meaningful and beautiful here. We've lived our lives and tried our best to be good to people. And while I would love to say we could show you the fruit of our labor, the fact of the matter is, no one gives a shit around here. My family essentially went on a tour telling people that Dev was gonna move me back to Florida and take me away as soon as we got married... he didn't... but they did stop inviting us to stuff, reaching out via the telephone, and continue with, "Katie changed."

Yeah... Katie changed... Katie lost her mom and had her entire world flipped on it's head and it's been nonstop ever since. Forgive me if I needed a breather from cookouts and holidays for a little bit. I wasn't trying to be excommunicated... I was trying to survive.

Ever since my brother moved out... I rarely hear from him. He made a big spiel about "not wanting to lose our relationship" when he moved out and I told him we were adults and perfectly capable of having a normal sibling relationship where he lived with his family and I lived with mine. I was apparently wrong about that... but not wrong about the fact my brother is resentful and petty about it. In the past month, I've reached out on four separate occasions just trying to catch up and maybe set up a time to hang out... he's rejected them all and contacted me once to tell me about our nephew having an accident and needing stitches. In fact, we haven't seen our nephew since my brother moved out. He works four minutes from our house and lives twenty minutes from us... but does he stop by? Nope. And while I would love to just swing by his house to say hi once in awhile, his living arrangement is different and not open for popups. Is he trying to punish me by not letting me see my nephew because I put my foot down and made him move out? I don't know... but either way... it feels real lonely on that front too.

And I get it... the rest of my family has their own families to worry about. I understand and I'm happy that they're happy... but clearly... I don't fit into the narrative. My aunts and uncles and cousins have their own children and grandchildren and my brother still has his father and his own child. Dev and me don't want kids... so I guess... we're just done?

Maybe I feel wrong about it, but it is how I feel. I'm not resentful or angry or sad about it, it's more of a clarity of the situation. And the truth is, I did in fact move to Indy for momma. I never would've chosen to come here on my own. I might not have stayed where I was, but I'm definitely not the same as my momma on that front. She was a city girl through and through... me?

Not so much.

Dev? Dev still has family that not only needs him but wants him... and me too. They want to include us in their everyday lives and holidays and they have our backs regardless. While I can say I have one or two people that have my back like that (ok... one and it's Dani) he has a list. And it's beautiful to see. I know he misses his family. Hell, I miss his family. Every time we go down there it feels right and my chest decompresses in a way it simply doesn't in the city.

His family up here? One-sided, not unlike mine. Everything was all fun and games when we were putting in all the effort, fronting money, driving the miles, and essentially doing it all. The minute we stopped putting forth 100% of the effort? That friendship fizzled and died out faster than a firecracker. Sure, he still texts his cousin, but the relationship we had with him and his family? Evaporated. All because we said enough was enough.

Hilariously enough, kind of like the situation with my brother.

The friendships we've tried to build have been no damn different.

I would love nothing more than to sell our house, move to that little ten acres in northern FL, build a hub to work remote, and start living our dream lives right this second.

But again... stability. And the unknown. 

It's hard to "go with the flow" or "take a chance" when literally all responsibility has been on your shoulders for as long as you can remember. And I know I don't have to live that life anymore... but old habits die hard and all that. I've had to start over so many times out of pure survival that I don't know how to kickstart something new without breaking mentally. It's frustrating and quite frankly, I hate that part of myself. I would love to make a decision strictly just because it's what I want and let the chips fall where they may and know everything will work out in the end. Except... I'm not built like that. I want to be... but conditioning has a stronghold that's hard as f*ck to fight.

You know, I always had this joke once I got the job I have now that I'm here until I'm either "fired or retired." But, I don't think I ever really thought it through for what it was. They've recently increased the retirement age from 65 to 67. Let's be real, Social Security won't exist by the time it's my turn and the fact they want people to quite literally work their asses off until they're essentially in the nursing home is f*cking laughable. Early retirement is at least 55... probably soon to increase... and even then there are so many penalties and fees. There's literally no such thing as working to an end goal anymore. People just want to take and take and we're forced to keep giving if we want to keep up. It's f*cking exhausting.

I say that to say... that means I have AT LEAST another twenty to thirty(ish because a few more than that) years to go before I can even think about retiring. Which means, if we wait until retirement to build the life and dream we want, we may very well be too old or dead to enjoy it by then. Not to be morbid... but the world is crazy these days and our luck is horseshit.

I want to continue my job until it's time to lay it down... but I don't honestly believe I have another twenty to thirty or more years left where we are. Even if I did, why would we want to build somewhere we're miserable and wait to be surrounded by all we want until then?

You know, that whole fairy godmother with the sprinkles thing I've been trying to manifest for the last couple of months would come in real handy right about now. It would be nice to be able to make a decision in life strictly based on happiness and want not finances and turmoil.

It's out there. It's on our minds and in our conversations and I would be lying if I said I wasn't going crazy thinking everything through a million times. I keep waiting for something to give or change or I don't know what, but I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to choose. Not like "CHOOSE" but choose, because something's gotta give and we can't keep being miserable.

He made a comment the other day when we were talking... and while I know he didn't mean it in a bad way... I felt the honesty in it and it hit me in the chest. He was trying to tell me how he feels and said he wanted to spend time with his parents while he still could. And... I get that. My parents are gone. My one sibling could care less. I haven't seen my nephew in over a year. Lost my grandparents years ago. Dev still has three parents, two grandparents, three siblings (four if you count his friend that may as well be my third BIL), and a slew of nieces and nephews. All of whom would give anything for their boy to come back to his roots.

While I grew up in Tennessee... I have no desire to go back there. I want to be surrounded by familiar but new. Comfort but depth.

Our fifth wedding anniversary is next month. Five years of building and trying and doing and loving. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do often think about the next anniversary... and the next... because I want us to be as happy together as possible, but is it possible to be your happiest self when you're miserable with your surroundings? I don't know. I would like to believe I'm enough, but that's not really fair to my husband. Sure, I may be enough... but should I be? When he has the option of so much more? He could be surrounded by people and places that are good for his soul.

And I could learn to be whomever I've always wanted to be. No pressure or restrictions or expectations. Just me with my husband and babies on a little farm, tending to bees, growing plants. I could learn all the things I've always wanted to and try and fail and succeed and grow and be at peace.

What I want: build a homestead, bake bread, grow plants, tend to bees, play with my pups, have early mornings on the porch with my husband, spend time with family, go to events, cook holiday meals, run through the woods with Dev on my heels... peace. Stability. Happiness. Tranquility. To be able to exist and just be still. Just be me.

What I need: a miracle.

I don't know where the future will take us. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know if I'll be sitting right here in thirty years or if I'll get hit by a meteor by my next birthday.

What I do know is one day soon I'm gonna have some decisions to make and whether good, bad or ugly, the questions will come knockin' whether I'm ready for them or not. Why? Because mental health is no joke and mine is patchy at best. And honestly? Seeing my husband so depressed is too much. It's devastating and makes me want to cry on the regular. He says he's good, but he forgets that I know him and I see it. I don't know how he doesn't resent me (he assures me he doesn't), because I would resent me. I mean, he's literally only here because of me and I'm literally only here because of my career.

Dun dun dun.

I know we'll probably give it until the beginning of the year and reevaluate. So between now and then, if the universe could help me out and sprinkle some of that goodness down, that would be greatly appreciated.

🌻I just grow sunshine in the backyard.🌻🌻And other ramblings.

Life is hectic. And crazy. And exasperating. And expensive. And hard. And overwhelming.

Life is beautiful. And fun. And full. And happy. And wild. And exquisite.

And we're all just along for the ride and hoping for the best. I've never wanted a big life. There's nothing in my personality that screams boss bitch in a Mcmansion with fourteen spoiled children. Never wanted it.

What I have always wanted was a small life. A happy life... stability. And to spend it with someone who chooses me first... every single time... no hesitation.

I found my person... and I'm so lucky and grateful for it.

Our life... while chaotic and hard at times... is ours and we're trying our best. Neither of us have ever wanted big. We've just wanted safe... and ours... and each other.

BUT... if y'all got a spare fairy godmother out there floating around, we'll take one of those too. You know what they say... manifestation and shit.

This weekend was... different. Any weekend I get to spend all the time with my hubby is amazing... but this weekend was weird for us. I don't know why. Probably because we had company on Saturday and then it stormed all day. And then Sunday morning the power company blew our transponder and we didn't have power for seven hours.

So... we did a load of clothes at Bonehead's and hung out. But Dev was sick... so home we went... to dead ass quiet. There was also an oil change in there for Trudy. And our pups went to Bonehead's with us and hung out with the babies... Sparkles loves heights...Steve doesn't do down the stairs. It was hilarious and adorable.

On the plus side? Dev got his tray, fake skin, and new ink. And I got a Tymo. Could we afford it? Probably not. Am I waiting for a miracle to pull us out of this funk and set us into my fantasy? Perhaps. #wishfulthinking

My cup plant though? Thriving and wreaking havoc. I think it might be a bit roid-raged out on motor oil... TBD.

Whose f*cking roads are you talking about again?!??!

I seen a recent study... survey... whatever you want to call it.

There was an article that claimed Indiana has some of the best roads, if not THE best roads in the US. And as someone who lives in and traverses the Indy roads on the daily... on behalf of our city (and most of the state) I call bullshit.

And if you don't believe me... I got receipts.

Last year when we still had Doug Judy... had to buy five tires in five months. That doesn't include the patches.

This year? With four months to go?

In June... Bonehead patched my tire for me.

Last month... had to have Trudy's front tire replaced completely because of a hole in the sidewall.

And just this week... me AND Dani had to have our tires replaced. My front passenger side. Her rear passenger side.

So... this whole best roads in the country bullshit you're trying to sell? We ain't f*cking buying.

Dev and me travel ALOT... lots of states... lots of highways and county roads.

Indiana? F*cked. Ohio? F*cked. Michigan? Amazing... after the first couple of minutes from point of entry. Y'all keep doing you! Tennessee? F*cked. Kentucky? Yee-F*cking-Haw kinda f*cked. Georgia? Pretty good. Alabama? F*cked. Florida? North is fantastic... once you start getting midways? F*cked.

The audacity of these folks to even pretend these roads aren't Jacked to Jesus and we're all just doing the best we can. If they're so fantastic, then y'all pay for all these tire problems... cause shit be expensive!

That's gotta be what heaven looks like.

Dev and me travel... a lot. Whether we're driving to another state to visit family or we drive out of the city to get a little peace... either way... we're driving.

Spending so much time in a car is both rewarding and a pain in the ass. Literally and figuratively. Sure, we have to travel to do and get the things we want, but if it wasn't for the fact I get to hang out with my best friend/soulmate... I would riot.

Why? Because while Trudy Judy is a comfy little Bronco... you can only be so comfy for so long with a bony ass. I said what I said.

One of the bonuses for these wide ranging trips though... Dev and me talk about the most random shit. We see some of the most beautiful views. We spend an insane amount of time together.

Give me all of that for the rest of my life.

Friday was one of our travel trips. I got off work a tad early and we left the house around 2:30 or so... and didn't get home until midnight. Because that's how we roll. 

An interesting trip... complete with torrential downpours... an allergic reaction to ants for poor little Steve... a piece of a semi flew off and hit our Bronco (and straight up looked like a bullet ricocheted off our windshield)... and a situation where an asshole van in front of us made all of us merge onto the highway going 27 mph.

Side note: If anybody has any good news... or vibes... or juju... anything like that... we're in the market and will take it. We could use some positivity in life right now.

The positive spin though? Well... besides getting to be together and accomplishing what we wanted to. 

This view. When the skies open up and things feel a little less heavy and a little more clear for a few minutes. And it reminds you what's important. And what's important to me? I had it all right there in the car with me.

You make my little heart happy.💜💜💜

(Side note: We got back from FL 6/29 and my FIL had surgery yesterday... but I have not had the mental strength to deal with that little catchup... so... another day perhaps. Today though? Things that make my heart smile).

My husband is very good at showing he appreciates me... both in our every day lives and when it comes to the level at which he is attracted to me.

He doesn't just tell me I'm beautiful... he shows me he thinks I'm beautiful from the inside out every single day. I'm lucky... and grateful.

He's a cheeky little shit... and as charming as you could get. Dude has been talking me into his crazy and out of my panties for years.

But every now and then... he pulls a new little compliment out the bag and it throws me and makes me blush. Most recently?

As I was walking out the door for work earlier this week... 6:30 in the morning... hair askew... weariness creeping in... he looked me up and down... cocked his eyebrow... smiled... and said... you look like you're ready to go fight a bitch today.

And honestly? I prefer that over beautiful. #ProjectBadass