Monday, February 27, 2017

I watched the first season of Breaking Bad.... finally.

And holy shit, was I in for some unexpected turns and "wtf" moments. I know that the series ended in 2013, but once again, I'm late to the party. Just think, if you're late to the party you get to take home all of the awesome leftovers.... right?! NO?! That's not a thing? Huh, no wonder I'm not invited to parties anymore.

Remember back in October when I made a list of shows that I had started watching or had mentally put on the list to start watching? I was at various stages with all of them, but I made the comment that I had watched the first season of Breaking Bad.

I think that I must've made that up, because in no way shape or form did I remember anything as it was happening. I think that I must've read about all of these things somewhere (again, the show DID end in 2013), because it's like watching a completely new show with a million twists and turns.

Again, I do know some of the things that are going to happen (my poor baby, Jesse.... what does it say about me that I have a crush on a fictional thug/meth manufacturer? Screw it, at least it's only a fictional version and not in my actual life. #winning), but I think that it's going to be fun to get to live this story after so much of the hype has settles down.

It's still one of the most raved about series in television history.... and they weren't lying when they classified it as a DRAMA, but it just seems better to watch now.

(I don't know why, but just go with it.). The weather dropped this past weekend (what is even happening with Mother Nature these days?!), so we pretty much stayed inside and chilled (no pun intended). With the exception of going out once (we ran the errands that we had Friday so we could remain inside) to grab a burger (we went through the drive-thru and then came straight home to eat our food) and being on edge that we were gonna have to go out, because Greg's gf was in labor (don't worry, she was at her own house- and they are going to induce her labor at 5am Wednesday morning), it was a kick back and relax kind of weekend (my favorite kind.).

Between watching episodes of It's Always Sunny (I will never get tired of watching that show, I have seen every episode at least four times and some even more than that) and cooking/baking snack food, I decided to give Breaking Bad a go (since I just can't seem to get in the groove with The Walking Dead- I'm on Season03Episode13 and have been FOREVER).... and I ended up watching the entire first season yesterday (Sunday- also, I have no plans to quit on it anytime soon.).

And I'm not even a little bit sorry about it.... bitch.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Not to be dramatic or anything (ha!).

Oh, don't mind me. I am just currently over here having an existential crisis. Also, I'm eating my weight in Mexican food, watching It's Always Sunny on Netflix (holla!), and drinking wine like they're going to quit making it (I know, I shouldn't joke about such serious matters of life.).

An existential crisis: is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life; whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism.

And why am I having this current existential crisis of mine? Well, to put it plain and simple, my entire reasoning for this is none other than the same thing that every woman at one point or another goes through..... my hair.

And yes, contrary to popular belief, that's a real thing! (No, it's not- I'm just overtly dramatic.).

You see, I have long hair. Like, incredibly long hair. We're talking down to my ass and giant. My hair that is, not my ass. Although, if we're being honest, my ass is pretty giant too.... moving on.

I've went back and forth between short-medium-long hair for as long as I can remember. I always think that I'm going to love a short little hairstyle.... and then, I get said short little hairstyle and I usually fall somewhere between yay and the brink of tears. It's a fine line. My hair is currently longer than it has ever been (and in desperate need of a trim) and most days I don't do anything to it with the exception of brushing and pulling it up.... because I simply don't have the mindset or effort to tame and/or style it. This is the reason that for years I found myself in the cushy spot of having "medium-length" hair.

It seemed like a reasonable compromise. It was short enough to the point of me "styling" (beautician, I am not) it more often than usual, but still long enough to pull back for work (waitressing; cna'ing) and when I had been drinking (am I the only one that gets hot when they have a drink or two.... or six?).

But then I decided to grow it out. I had reasoning for it (that reasoning probably following along the lines of the last horrible "shortish" hair cut that I got), but I just don't feel good about it anymore. I always think that short hair is a wonderful idea, but then the dreamer/unrealistic gal in my head screams, but all the ladies in the books you read have long/flowing/beautiful hair. Because clearly if I have long hair I'm going to get to live out my favorite novels.

That's not ridiculous or unrealistic, at all.

But then I think, I am a strong/confident/grown ass woman that isn't going to be defined by anything, especially something as silly as hair! Shave it all off for all I care!! And then I remember that Charlize Theron or Natalie Portman, I am not.... and sit the f*ck back down.

For a long while now (four? five? more? years), I've wanted to just throw caution completely to the wind and get one of those pixie cuts. I love them and they seem so easy and cute, all at once. They practically sound made for me.... we've all seen how I dress at all times when I don't have to be at work, and I am most definitely comfort/what I like over fashion and/or decency. I'm like a one woman walking/talking daily episode of "What Not to Wear" (anybody besides me miss that show?).

I would love to get one and donate my hair to one of those amazing charities that make wigs for sick kids (I'm not completely heartless), but then I chicken out and can't manage to bring myself to try it. I feel like most of the women that get those cuts (rock em, girl!) do it on a whim and that they're carefree individuals that live by their own rules. I want to be that type of girl, but I am WAY more Sheila Hammond (before turning into a zombie) about it.

I.e: "Jennifer Lawrence cut all of her hair off again. People don't like it like that, but she doesn't care. She's so bold.... I want to be that bold. Am I that bold? No, no I'm not. I would like to be 20% more bold. No, more.... 80% more bold. No, that's too much."

(Also, if you haven't given Santa Clarita Diet on Netflix a try, I suggest that you do sooner rather than later. I ended up binge-watching the first season over a couple of days- it would've taken less time, but I have to be an adult on occasion, boo!- and I loved it. Hilarious just isn't even the word for it.).

But then again, my hair is so long that when I straighten it (trust me, you do not want to see my unruly natural hair.... unless you follow me on Instagram, in which case you already have) that it almost reaches down to my butt. And frankly, that's an accomplishment for me, because I have a very short attention span. Maybe I'll get one of those pixie cuts one of these days.... maybe after I lose like, I don't know, fifty pounds. So clearly, I have time to spare.

(On a totally unrelated note, we watched Hacksaw Ridge last night and holy hell, that is an incredible movie. I recommend it to any and everyone. I'll write more about it sometime, but if you want to watch something great (Andrew Garfield, Vince Vaughn, Luke Bracey, and every guy in it absolutely kill their roles) and you're a fan of Mel Gibson's directing (I'm also a pretty big Mel Gibson fan), watch this. And if you're not, watch it anyway. The fact that it is a true story is even more breathtaking.).

Sunday, February 19, 2017

My thoughts on the first season of Santa Clarita Diet. (Part III).

*Netflix released a Timothy Olyphant/Drew Barrymore headed horror-comedy and of course, loving Timothy O and Drew Barrymore like I do, I had to watch. Besides, it also has the waitress and little Tommy Doyle, so it was a no-brainer to at least give it a try.

I've talked about binge-watching on Netflix quite often, including with this show, and I've managed to binge-watch it twice (and I'm not even a little bit sorry about it).

I'm sure it's not for everybody, as alot of people I know have sensitive stomachs and don't really get into the whole "zombie" thing. If you're thinking about giving it a try, but you're on the fence to the whole "zombie" thing, just know, it's not exactly a Walking Dead situation and you should probably just go ahead and give it a try, because it is HILARIOUS.

Timothy Olyphant is at his comedic prime (something that way more people should be aware of), Drew Barrymore is superb as always, and the kids/supporting characters are pretty damn hilarious themselves and add alot to the series. (Liv Hewson + Skyler Gisondo = comedic genius).

With the second season finished filming and scheduled for release sometime in 2018 (I'm assuming around February or March?), I thought it might be a good time to catch up with the Hammonds.*

Catch up on season one: Part I, Part II.

(Season One Finale) Episode Ten: Baka, Bile, and Baseball Bats

Official Synopsis: "Dr. Wolf is ready to get down to work, but with Sheila growing more aggressive by the minute, Joel worries it may be too late."

My thoughts: Only Eric would geek out and create a powerpoint presentation to catch the doctor up on Sheila and how the three of them are helping. I mean, he's good at it though. With all of the shit that goes down at the CDC they really find some kind of virus that makes people kinda dead and want to eat people SO implausible? I mean, have they ever seen The Crazies (Another Timothy Olyphant classic)?! Come on, Sheila.... how in the hell is Joel supposed to kill you when it comes down to it if not by bashing your brains in with a ballbat?! That pillow thing isn't going to work, you're way stronger than him. Dr. Wolf was the one that had that damn Serbian book all along?!

Dude, Sheila, you can't just be biting at Joel, you'll make him undead too! Coincidentally my attitude also ranges from "that was a little rude" to "run" just like Sheila. Baka Kovak needs to puke in a bucket to mix with the other ingredients?! THAT'S THE CURE?! DRINKING VOMIT?! Nah, I'll be a zombie, thanks though. Dude, Dr. Wolf goes all out in her rat death scenarios. Dr. Wolf will have to kill Sheila, there's no way Joel can do it, he loves her too much. Abby is way too good at faking convulsions and possible death.... she's a much better criminal mastermind than her parents. Shut up, Principal Novak, Baka will end you. Joel and Sheila have Baka tied to a chair and spinning her so she'll puke.... I feel for you, Baka, that's how vodka always makes me feel. HOLY SHIT! SHEILA'S ATTACKING JOEL!!! Only Joel can talk a raving zombie down off the ledge. Oh hell, the cops have sent Joel in for an evaluation.... they're locking his bitch ass up. Sheila wants Abby to chain her up in the basement? And now Dr. Wolf is leaving. It's a good thing that Abby has Eric, because if not, she would be 100% on her own right now. "Joel or I will probably be free by next week." Yeah, ok.

*I love the way this show juxtaposes everyday life with both horror and comedic elements*

Friday, February 17, 2017

I'm a 90s kid.... what did you expect?!

Back in the 90s, we had "kid" movies, but we most definitely watched movies that we probably shouldn't have at the ages we were (i.e. Interview with the Vampire, Braveheart, Vampires, and so on).

Even though I don't see a problem with any of it, society is a bit (and by bit, I mean, bitches are crazy) sensitive these days regarding what they think is ok for a child. My mother was never very "strict" when it came to things such as movies, video games, etc.... mostly because she had her hands full and there were more important things to worry about. And I turned out mediocre just fine.

I'm like Billy the Kid.... only the Katie version. Is that a thing? If it's not, it is now. I've never been one to really "grow up." Don't get me wrong, I have adult responsibilities and I don't mind them, but in my head, I feel no different at twenty-seven than I did at seventeen.

Except the back pain. I definitely have more back pain now.... and wrinkles.... and grey hair. MOVING ON.

Since apparently that Sinbad/Genie movie doesn't exist (YES IT DOES, BITCHES), I had to settle on alternative movies.... and I'm more than totally ok with it. Most of my "kid" movies aren't even "kid" movies at all. Two of my favorite movies growing up were Bad Boys and Tremors. And they both taught me valuable life lessons. Bad Boys taught me that drugs and prostitution are bad, STAY AWAY. And, Tremors taught me that Kevin Bacon can do way more than just dance. (Yes, that is an important life lesson- see Stir of Echoes.).

I can now enjoy/relive some of my favorite childhood movie memories, because I officially own some of my favorites, such as, Bartok the Magnificent (and Anastasia- I love that damn little bat!), Ready to Rumble (nothing is better than Dewey and Tweeder being wrestling fans/septic cleaners), Black Dog (forget Dirty Dancing, this is where Patrick Swayze shines the most), Where the Heart Is (before one was making out with Jackie Burkehart and the other was leading protests against Donald Trump, they hung out with Forney and named their kids random shit), and Rolling Kansas (WE WERE IN LOOVVVVEEE!!).

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

When you're over the stress of the world.

For months now (maybe even the last year or two), people have really been on edge. And not the normal kind of "on edge" but on edge plus steroids. Being in our second month of 2017 hasn't seemed to lighten the load of it all either. I think people were hoping that a new year would make people think of new opportunities and inspire in them goodness and hope. Hope for the present and the future.

Unfortunately, people suck and that isn't what happened in the least little bit.

Instead, things have only gotten.... not worse.... but certainly not better. People just can't seem to let anything go for five minutes and just enjoy life. I understand there are problems in the world and issues that need to be addressed immediately, but don't you think that would be easier if people were just a little bit more.... relaxed?

With that in mind, I have taken it upon myself to offer alternatives to your constant worry and ensure that we have a little fun to go with all of our dread.  

Forget Donald Trump (whether you're team or anti) for two seconds and lets go have some nachos.

And by let's go, I mean I want to bring nachos to my house and eat them while binge-watching It's Always Sunny on Netflix, because some bitches won't go on and release Stranger Things: Season 2 yet.... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Hold off on the Beyonce talk and come enjoy a breakfast bar with me.

You don't even have to eat these particular breakfast bars (Nature Valley Soft-Baked Oatmeal Squares in Banana Bread/Dark Chocolate) for breakfast.... they're more snack bars and taste exactly like chocolate covered bananas. Don't like bananas? I got you covered.... anyone want a little bite of a coffee cake snack bar?

Stop worrying about the outcome of Superbowl LI and we'll talk about the highlight of the NFL.

And the highlight is, the fact that you get to see Rob Gronkowski in football pants on the regular. Say what you want about the Patriots, but they have one fine ass Tight-End. I'm not a Patriots fan.... but I am most definitely a R. Gronkowski fan.

Do you think that you weigh a bit more than you should? Let that shit go.

Dude, you are perfect just the way you are. If you want to lose a little bit of weight for your health, I got your back.... but if you want to lose weight to conform to societies standards, to hell with that. I'll help you tell those people to piss off and we'll go get a pizza.

Quit being upset about who died on the season seven premiere of The Walking Dead.

Wait, you know what.... screw that, I'm still pissed, we can continue to be pissed off over this. But instead of being solely pissed off, we'll get together with wine and junk food while we catch up on previous seasons via Netflix.

A lot of my suggestions are just food, alcohol, and Netflix. But really, do you need more? Let's be responsible adults (ha!) and just put off our problems for a little while. They'll still be there tomorrow, and that sounds like a problem for Future Katie and Future (insert your name here).

Come on, weekend.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Yesterday was.... I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Yesterday (2/13) was my birthday. My twenty-seventh birthday. I am officially old as shit. And I don't even care. About the being old as shit part, I cared that it was my birthday.... ok, no I didn't care that it was my birthday, but people tend to have a way of making you feel special.

And by people, I mean your loved ones.... especially your mom.
Also, I found out that I have the same birthday as one of my absolute favorite bloggers/authors (ten years apart, so.... win?!).

Or, my mom, at least. Yesterday was pretty much the same as all the other days (work.... life.... trying to avoid the looming clouds of misery), with the exception that I was a year older than last. I had a normal work day and when I got home, Momma and Bubba took me out for supper (food = yum). I even drove and made Bubba put air in my tires....  because why in the hell not?! And then Momma and I spent the evening watching The Walking Dead and a documentary that I'm going to have to restart, because my attention span was minuscule last night. Also, FB.

Pertaining to the picture of Momma and I: She can't believe that her youngest is officially twenty-seven. Apparently, it was only yesterday that she told me to be nice to the boys on the playground and quit swinging upside down on the monkey bars while I was wearing a dress. She makes each Birthday the best and always better than the one before. I love you, Momma.

My thoughts on turning twenty-seven: 

Lady Gaga at twenty-seven: Multi-platinum recording artist, touring the world, raising awareness for anti-bullying campaigns, consistently banging Taylor Kinney on a regular basis. Me at twenty-seven: Where is it?! I know that shoe is around here somewhere. Twenty-seven, it is.

As for the flowers, Uncle Roger gave me those for Valentine's Day today (apparently people who aren't dead inside celebrate that?). And then, a couple of my favorite birthday notes from friends.... not all of them, but a few here and there. Here's to another year of keeping it real.

Real interesting and weird, that is.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

My thoughts on the first season of Santa Clarita Diet. (Part II).

*Netflix released a Timothy Olyphant/Drew Barrymore headed horror-comedy and of course, loving Timothy O and Drew Barrymore like I do, I had to watch. Besides, it also has the waitress and little Tommy Doyle, so it was a no-brainer to at least give it a try.

I've talked about binge-watching on Netflix quite often, including with this show, and I've managed to binge-watch it twice (and I'm not even a little bit sorry about it).

I'm sure it's not for everybody, as alot of people I know have sensitive stomachs and don't really get into the whole "zombie" thing. If you're thinking about giving it a try, but you're on the fence to the whole "zombie" thing, just know, it's not exactly a Walking Dead situation and you should probably just go ahead and give it a try, because it is HILARIOUS.

Timothy Olyphant is at his comedic prime (something that way more people should be aware of), Drew Barrymore is superb as always, and the kids/supporting characters are pretty damn hilarious themselves and add alot to the series. (Liv Hewson + Skyler Gisondo = comedic genius).

With the second season finished filming and scheduled for release sometime in 2018 (I'm assuming around February or March?), I thought it might be a good time to catch up with the Hammonds.*

Catch up on season one: Part I.

Episode Five: Man Eat Man

Official Synopsis: "Abby discovers that parents can't be trusted (especially hers). Joel learns there might be a cure for Sheila, and Dan puts his cards on the table."

My thoughts: Abby, did you ask your dad if you could just fix up his bike from highschool? Don't look in that freezer.... and you looked in the freezer. How do you keep talking Eric into this shit on a regular basis? She's totally gonna bring up this whole "you've been lying to me, there's a dead guy in the freezer" thing. Joel tries to bribe Baka Novak with pastries, but she ain't having it.... she'll take the box though. I hope she can help you with this whole translation thing. So.... there's just a village in Serbia where people are eating each other? And there's a cure? Of course Joel is tense, Sheila! That's right, Eric, you tell Abby that she's being a brat and her parents love her. Eric can see all of his mom's and lovers messages? Gross. Aw, Eric you're so sweet.... of course you don't wanna embarrass your mom. Dude, she might be trying to protect you, but we all know she's in a crappy marriage. iT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY JOEL TOOK THE DAY OFF, DAN! Dan, you interrupted Joel and Rick's "toke time" and for that, you're officially getting a trophy for "World's Biggest Douche." Y'all are NOT friends. How are you gonna use a severed finger to blackmail someone into being your friend? Wtf?! So, Dan wants Joel to kill for him now? Man, I hate that guy. It doesn't matter that he's being sexist right now, Sheila.... he's blackmailing Joel! I love that they're sending Abby to pick up signs while they argue. Damn, Abby. You can't go to Eric for everything, plop down on his bed, get that close to him, and spend that much time with him and not expect that boy to kiss you. Nice save, Eric. (No, it wasn't). Eric deserves a trophy, the entire Hammond family couldn't function without him. Damn, that guy is really putting up a fight. Joel and Sheila are getting their asses kicked.... and he's gone. Did you bite him or not, Sheila?! Oh, look at all that vomit.... yeah, you bit him.

Episode Six: Attention to Detail

Official Synopsis: "Joel and Sheila try dividing up the tasks, Eric and Abby stumble onto something big, and Dan learns that a realtor can only be pushed so far."

My thoughts: Is that how marriage works? No matter what the subject is, you just can't help from arguing about it 24/7 until you're blue in the face going crazy? Has Loki skipped town? Y'all left your pen in his apartment, you better get it. What kind of tingle are you feeling in your v*gina when you kill people? I'm with Joel, this is weird. Shut up, Dan. You can't prove Loki isn't dead.... Joel did what he was supposed to do.... kind of. Are you really gonna give him another "job" to do? Stupid Dan. And yeah, you really should be nicer to Eric, that kid is the MVP of your damn neighborhood. Plus, he can build robots. Nothing solves an awkward kiss like a Princess Leia joke. Well played. I knew Dan was a dirty cop!! Of course he has a secret compartment of cash, drugs, weapons.... and Gary's finger. Y'all, I don't blame you, Dan deserves to have his money stolen. You're just now figuring out that you lost a personal item in Loki's apartment? Quit carrying personal items around when you're about to murder/eat people! So.... Sheila is gonna kill on her own (including for Dan) and Joel is gonna retrieve the pen? Why are you trusting Dan at this point? Eric and Abby are gonna prank Dan while Eric wears Kevin Bacon's hat from Tremors? See, this is what you need to look for in a boyfriend, Abby. Of course Dan lied and he just wants you to kill his wife's boyfriend. Poor Joel, having to get kidnapped and wait for Marcus. I love that Joel and Sheila can just talk through their problems and love each other. There's no talking to Dan, just kill him. Oh shit! Joel really did kill Dan.... with a shovel. Dan falling onto the flash bomb that Abby and Eric hid in his garden and making it look like he died farting really is too good of a death for Dan.

Abby: "Help me Eric-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." *so much laughter*

Episode Seven: Strange or Just Inconsiderate?

Official Synopsis: "With the cops looking for Dan, Sheila dines on the evidence. But that's a lot of evidence. Meanwhile, Joel stops to smell the coffee."

My thoughts: Get the f*ck out of Sheila's house, she has to help Joel.... because he looks like he's having a real struggle getting Dan's body into his yard to dispose of it. No one is that excited about kites. Peaches going bad really is the worst. Now is not the time to lecture Joel about impulsively killing Dan.... he was trying to protect you and finally had enough! Yeah, be careful with those hardwood floors, Dan is not worth having to install new flooring. Now is not the time for coffee, Joel! You're gonna choose now to bring up how inconvenient it is that you converted the garage into a home office? Actually, that is super inconvenient right now. Can y'all just unseal the garage door right quick, pull your car in, load his body, and deal with the rest of it later? What? Too much? I like that trunk, I can't believe you're gonna waste it on stupid Dan. And yeah, I guess eating cheeseburgers is kind of murder and eating flesh? But, give me the cheeseburgers.... and put some bacon on it. Of course Dan fell through the bottom of the trunk as soon as Rick shows up. Even in death Dan is a pain in the ass. There are cops everywhere! Y'all have to get that body out of there RIGHT NOW.... but first, fart jokes. Is Joel stoned? The master bath? Dan is not worth ruining your grout work for. That's a whole lot of dude to be eating in one night, Sheila. Of course Abby found Dan's body.... I feel like Eric's gonna be pretty good with this. Anne is 100% better husband than Dan ever was. I love that Abby told Eric about Dan.... and Eric admits that Dan was a d*ck and helps her cover for her parents. I knew Sheila couldn't finish him.... he's just too big for her little stomach. Looks like we're finally getting that trip to the beach! Nice plan on Eric and Abby's part. Now everything is pinned on Dan and I'm not gonna lie, that's a good feeling. DID ONE OF SHEILA'S TOES JUST FALL OFF IN THE BATHTUB?!!

Episode Eight: How Much Vomit?

Official Synopsis: "A new-look Loki takes Joel and Sheila by surprise while Abby and Eric learn the fine art of leaving well enough alone."

My thoughts: Clearly, gluing, sewing and nailing Sheila's toe back on is not working very well. Just watching her toe crack like a piece of splintered wood makes me queasy. I have a strong stomach, but I'm not good when it comes to fingernails and toes being messed with. She should try duct tape. You would rather make brownies for Lisa than bang Joel? Just because of a toe? I know women that wouldn't let a lobotomy stop them. I'm pretty sure Anne is having no problem replacing Dan asap in the Lisa/Eric household. And really, she is better at it. I knew that Loki was gonna pop back up. That maid is hilarious.... of course Loki puked up the little red ball thing! They are really stocking up on this whole "hunting down a zombie" thing. I imagine this is what my friend Erica's bunker looks like. No matter the situation, sometimes you do need to pick out a beauty product or two. You look good, you feel good. Why Abby and Eric are just going to trust this shady ass chop shop guy is beyond me. Yeah, Eric is gonna pay you, because there is no way that Abby is sleeping with you.... gross. So, Loki is actually a folk singer that writes poetry now? Apparently Sheila and Loki are just gonna bond over this whole "we're zombies together" thing. The chop shop guy is dead from a heroin overdose, they were gonna keep him, he was too rigid, and then Eric had to save the day AGAIN. Even as a zombie Loki wants to bang Sheila? Rude! She's a married undead woman, dammit! Joel cooked Sheila the first meal he ever made her.... but substituted Dan for the hamburger. How sweet. Annddd.... here comes Loki to kill Joel. Of course Sheila tidied up and the weapons aren't in the bedroom anymore. Good teamwork, guys! Even when he's freaking out, Joel is literally the best husband ever. And here Joel is trying to be all sweet and supportive and then SHEILA'S EYEBALL POPS OUT.

Episode Nine: The Book!

Official Synopsis: "Joel and Eric seek out the mysterious Anton at the paranormal convention while Sheila and Abby bond over their shared love of bad behavior."

My thoughts: Sheila wants to spend the day doing mother/daughter stuff with Abby, because she doesn't know how much time she has to be herself.... and Joel has literally no quit in him! He's heading to the supernatural convention with Eric to get some much needed information. Anton apparently contacted Joel and has the "Serbian cure book" and he and Eric are going to find it! Dude, I know guys that won't even pick up tampons for their wives/girlfriends/etc and here Joel is popping her eyeball back into the socket. Of course Abby and eric got pulled over on the motorcycle.... Rick for the win! And come on y'all, that whole "p*ssy magnet" leather jacket is hilarious. Everyone needs a chill neighbor/friend/cop like Rick. I love how Eric just played Joel for a minute and then was like, "nah, Dan was a d*ck and I'm glad he's dead." Eric is literally all of us. How does the chop shop guy who died of a heroin overdose (Travis?) have an even more rude brother? You can try that Raffi song all you want, Sheila.... he loves it! Annndddd we're getting out the teargas.... they dropped it into the wrong unit?! Ha! Ugh, time for the "mother/daughter bonding" talk. I understand Abby.... I'm close with my mom too, and the thought of losing her is not even something that I want to deal with at any point. This Anton guy is such a phony, fraudulent asshat. But I do agree, Eric should have put a hat on Joel to hide him a little bit, because the man is too pretty to just blend in. Come on, Joel, Eric was just trying to help! Poor Anton can't stop peeing! *so much laughter* So, really Eric talking about Sheila may have saved her? And there's actually a doctor for this?! Damn. Dr. Cora Wolf.... that really is a perfect name for a "undead" doctor (necrobiologist?). Aw, Eric is so sorry.... and Joel is pretending to actually work for the government to give Eric "street cred" in his circle of people!! YES. How has Joel been a better father to Eric in this one episode than Dan was for all of the other ones?! Joel and Sheila might be different people now, but they're in it together! Wait, is that Portia de Rossi? Did Portia de Rossi just make an undead rat?!

*I love the way this show juxtaposes everyday life with both horror and comedic elements*

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

I didn't realize how blind I was.

Nor did I realize how big my nose is or how uneven my ears set. I'm not trying to be philosophical or anything, I literally didn't realize how bad my vision was. I knew that my eyes weren't exactly the best, but I had no clue about how much I was actually missing. I can actually read street signs now.

Because glasses.

I had to make an eye appointment last week and go in for an eye exam.... I have been having trouble with seeing far off for awhile now and everything was kind of blurry and fuzzy. I got the exam on Friday and picked up my glasses on Saturday (quick and painless, just how it should get to be).... I might have been able to get them on Friday, but their system was down and I would've had to pay 100% out of pocket without my insurance.... NO THANKS, I'LL COME BACK TOMORROW.

The tests were painless and my new optometrist explained to me why I'm so sensitive to light (I have large pupils and my eyes are so blue that they're almost translucent- his words, not mine- so that is the two highest strikes against eyes when it comes to dealing with light)- it's not going anywhere- and he informed me that when I'm not in the shower or sleeping, I have to wear my glasses. Like, we're talking a whole lot of wearing glasses.

Because my eyesight sucks and I'm a hazard- again, his words.

I would have talked about this sooner, but I had to drop a line or two about Superbowl LI (but mostly just to have an excuse to share a pic of Gronk). And for the first two days (Sat and Sun) my new glasses made me feel drunk.... and not in the good way.

I'll be twenty-seven in a few days and I'm chubby, have acne, and now have to wear glasses constantly.... it's like I'm reliving my awkward years and I call foul. I thought these things were supposed to improve with age, but apparently I was mistaken. In any event, I'm still getting used to these things (I won't be doing contacts, I'll just learn to live with glasses), but I don't feel quite as drunk today as I did the day before (it improves every day), so.... winning?!!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Superbowl LI (51).

Ok y'all, everybody and their momma are currently pissed off this morning (unless you're a Patriots fan), and I'm sure some are going to get into a brawl.... just an educated guess.

Last night was Superbowl LI (51) and the NE Patriots beat the Atlanta Falcons 34-28.

I watched the first half of the game with family (Momma and I went down to Poot's with her, Doodle, Ash, and Val) and stuck around for the half time show (Lady Gaga rocked that shit), and then we headed home, because we were tired and showers were needed before bed. (Not too mention, I'm a wimp and missed my puppy dog).

We switch hit the second half and to say that the Patriots made a "come back" in the second half would be a vast understatement. The Falcons were totally kicking ass in the first half (Atlanta21, Patriots3) of the game, but once halftime was over, shit went down. And by shit, I mean I don't even know what happened and neither does anyone else that was watching that game.

No matter if you're a Patriots fan, or a Falcons fan, the memes were on point.... and really, isn't that the most important thing?! Not to mention Gronkowski (who's been out since week 13 with a back injury) was looking damn good on those sidelines. I'm not a Pats fan, but I am most definitely a R. Gronkowski fan.

Tom Brady got sacked a whole bunch of times and the Falcons were on top of it (anyone see that beautiful interception?!). Matt Ryan had his head front in center in that game and the commercials/sneak peeks were awesome.... don't even pretend that you don't care about the previews and commercials (Terry Bradshaw's commercial was hilarious and we got a little sneak peek at Stranger Things season two, due out Halloween of this year- eek!).

And with football season being officially over, it's time for people to bitch about something else (even though they'll be pissed off at this game for years).

Saturday, February 4, 2017

My thoughts on the first season of Santa Clarita Diet. (Part I).

*Netflix released a Timothy Olyphant/Drew Barrymore headed horror-comedy and of course, loving Timothy O and Drew Barrymore like I do, I had to watch. Besides, it also has the waitress and little Tommy Doyle, so it was a no-brainer to at least give it a try.

I've talked about binge-watching on Netflix quite often, including with this show, and I've managed to binge-watch it twice (and I'm not even a little bit sorry about it).

I'm sure it's not for everybody, as alot of people I know have sensitive stomachs and don't really get into the whole "zombie" thing. If you're thinking about giving it a try, but you're on the fence to the whole "zombie" thing, just know, it's not exactly a Walking Dead situation and you should probably just go ahead and give it a try, because it is HILARIOUS.

Timothy Olyphant is at his comedic prime (something that way more people should be aware of), Drew Barrymore is superb as always, and the kids/supporting characters are pretty damn hilarious themselves and add alot to the series. (Liv Hewson + Skyler Gisondo = comedic genius).

With the second season finished filming and scheduled for release sometime in 2018 (I'm assuming around February or March?), I thought it might be a good time to catch up with the Hammonds.*

Episode One: So Then a Bat or a Monkey

Official Synopsis: "Sheila and Joel's marriage receives a jump-start when Sheila debuts a truly killer new personality and an anything-goes menu. And they used to be so normal."

My thoughts: *Timothy Olyphant has incredibly beautiful hair.... that is all*

So.... Sheila has the option to sleep with Timothy Olyphant Joel alot and doesn't take him up on it? Sounds implausible, but alright. I agree with Sheila, I would LOVE to be as bold as J. Law and feel free to cut my hair off on a whim (but I'm a wimp). Between Joel being that annoyed at the toaster oven and Abby wanting a car, I can see why Sheila would have some stomach pain. Ugh, Dan is the WORST, but I love that the waitress is a mom! Poor Eric, I can literally feel him trying to shrink down as little as humanly possible. I don't blame him. WOW, THAT IS AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF VOMIT. So.... Zombie Sheila wants to sleep with Joel as much as possible? That sounds much more believable. I love that they're all trying to figure out was wrong with technically dead Sheila and the first stop they make is to Eric. I feel you Eric, I too was the weird neighborhood kid. Eric explaining how Sheila might have to be "put down" is hilarious. Timothy Olyphant is at his prime hilariousness in this show!! Sheila gets a new Range Rover and dance party and Joel gets a nervous breakdown and a new toaster.... seems about right. Gary is like Dan, he is also THE WORST. Annndddd.... Sheila just ate Gary. Like, alot. And Joel walked in on it.... JOEL IS THE BEST. 

Episode Two: We Can't Kill People!

Official Synopsis: "The Hammonds try to live their new truth, Abby comes to a hard realization while browsing comics, and Joel treats Sheila to a very expensive meal."

My thoughts: *trying to balance having to eat people and have good hair has to be exhausting* How can you NOT find the lid for the storage container that has Gary's mutilated/goopy body in it?! Clearly you have not thought this through and it's going to be a problem. Sheila is all excited that their friends are listing their house and Joel is like, "are you f*cking kidding me right now?!" Nothing is funnier than Timothy Olyphant on a roll. I think every couple on the planet has had an argument about missing tupperware lids. They spilled Gary!! *crying laughing face* How are y'all just gonna act casual? You're literally standing in the middle of the desert, covered in blood, and holding shovels. Mormons don't just go around cleaning crime scenes, Joel! Ha! It's Abby and Eric.... Abby tracker jacked them and it's hilarious. Damn.... Eric really is a criminal mastermind. Are eating his balls the same thing as having an affair with him? F*cking Dan.... mind your business and don't worry about what they're spraying on their lawn in the middle of the night. California has a law that says you can't return a car? Damn, Cali. I agree with Sheila. Joel can tell Dan he's spraying for ants (apparently tiger ants?), but really, it's none of his f*cking business. You know, for being a virologist, Patton Oswalt isn't really open-minded. Sheila chasing that rooster around the yard reminds me of my childhood.... surrounded by farmland, you have to do some weird shit. Eric was trying to help Abby feel better by ditching school and taking her to the comic book store.... but Abby just snaps and it's hilarious!! Aw, Joel is so excited about selling the house that he wants to take Sheila out to a nice dinner.... at the morgue? Seems convenient. $500 for a f*cking foot?! I bet that creepy little morgue dude makes a mint on his "side business." Joel is gonna apologize for yelling at Sheila and offer to help her kill people? Awww...... "they've been a team since highschool, why stop now?!" Three cheers for Joel Hammond!

Episode Three: We Can Kill People

Official Synopsis: "Sheila's tummy is growling and Joel needs to find her someone tasty ASAP. Meanwhile, Abby embraces her inner badass and helps out a friend in need."

My thoughts: Sheila is worried about Abby's mental health? Don't get me wrong, she's probably got some issues, but clearly Joel is the one having a mental break. Now he can't even have his omelet in peace before killing. *face palm to head* Y'all, I know you want to keep a close eye on Abby, but I don't think this whole "family dinners" thing is gonna work.... besides, she's a teenager and her and Eric are gonna get into some shit. So.... we're on the lookout for a young Hitler for our next victim? Cool, cool. I mean, if you HAVE to be a murderer/murderer accomplice, your victims should probably be in the "Hitler/I'm a piece of shit" category. Ugh, Dan. It doesn't matter what kind of ant spray they used creepy/smile of a serial killer neighbor, mind your business! It's true, ants can be a nightmare.... realtors should know this! Exactly how big is a "coffin sized" freezer? Like, do coffins just come in a standard size and sometimes you have to special order them? Good thing y'all have that storage unit. I mean, I have a storage unit too, but mine's for random furniture and household shit that my hoarder ways won't let me part with, not a freezer for dead snacks. Poor Eric.... Abby is just dragging him along not realizing that he is totally in love with her. How are they gonna get even with her friends twenty-six year old drug dealer boyfriend? Also, how did he not know that girl was like fifteen or some shit? Rick the other neighbor cop is much more helpful than Dan. I like Rick. Y'all are just gonna kill that drug dealing ex-boyfriend in one of your pricey listings? Actually, that's pretty smart. I'm loving their "kill" outfits. *laughing* I knew that Sara girl lied about her age. Joel s just gonna let him go, because Sara lied and he sells weed to support his sister financially? Actually, that's a good reason.... but Sheila is not gonna be happy about it. Told you.... poor stoned Joel. DDDAAMMMNNNN.... Abby just tear-gassed that fool and took Sara's sweater back. Could Eric be more in love with her at this point? Ah! I reckon that's what that guy gets for yelling. I mean, Joel barely rear-ended him, he deserves to be eaten for being such a d*ck. Family dinner time! None of them are about to talk about their real day.... poor Joel. He can't even enjoy shrimp anymore.

Episode Four: The Farting Sex Tourist

Official Synopsis: "Sheila inspires her friends and insults the principal. Joel bonds with Abby, and Dan makes a damning discovery while spraying for ants.

My thoughts: She's just gonna make a man smoothie in their blender? Damn, I hope they have a completely separate one to use for Joel and Abby's milkshakes and such. Hey, it's the waitress again!! And those ladies are power-walking like nobody's business. No one is surprised that Dan is bad at sex and treats it like a military operation. I hear you, Alondra.... you're not the only female that wants to follow John Legend on tour. I mean, have you seen social media? Protein enriched diet, huh? Surrreee..... What kind of bookstore are you in, Joel? What exactly is zombie porn? You know what, don't answer that. Is that a picture of what happened to Sheila, but in medieval times?! Yes! Buy that painting Joel, it's a start. Yeah Sheila, you better grab that piece of "meat" before Rick sees it. What the f*ck, Dan?! Spray your own damn yard and mind your business. That show "Neighbors from Hell" was most definitely written about people like Dan. Does anyone still speak Serbian? I mean, besides people that actually live in Serbia. Screw that principal. Abby is not corrupting Eric.... much. Besides, how are you just gonna imply that she's stupid? I hope Sheila eats you. That's right, Joel. Sheila is crazy. I'm not sure if Eric's "pep talk" really helped Sheila or not, but it seemed to. I love that Joel took Abby on a bike to his and Sheila's "spot" and they're both freaking out about everything that's happened. They needed a good freak out moment. Joel might have just saved that principals life, because Sheila was totally about to eat him. He managed to suspend and then unsuspend Abby within like three minutes. WHAT?! Principal Novak is Serbian?! Oh Joel, you ain't catching that guy, he's scared! So, with Sheila's advice the waitress Eric's mom starts having an affair, Rick bought a Range Rover, and Alondra is leaving for a February full of John Legend? Nice. Of course Dan found Gary's finger. *face palm to face*

*I love the way this show juxtaposes everyday life with both horror and comedic elements*

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Mandela Effect.

Have you guys heard of this thing called The Mandela Effect? If not, I'm here to tell you about it and ruin your entire f*cking life. Why?! Mostly because when I heard/read about it, it ruined my entire existence, so in turn, I have to ruin yours.

I know, it's a vicious little cycle of assholery.

Or, something like that. Let me give you a little definition: Back in 2013 when Nelson Mandela passed away (may he RIP), people were convinced that he had actually died back in the 80s while he was incarcerated in prison.... they even remember watching his televised funeral. Except, no they didn't, because that NEVER happened.

In fact, he lived an impressive life after he was released in 1990, going on to be the President of South Africa from 1994-1999 and uniting his nation through the help of a rugby team (watch Invictus, people). He passed away in 2013 after suffering with a prolonged respiratory infection (he had respiratory problems the majority of his life). It was a sad loss.... one that many people had already thought happened decades before. EXCEPT IT DIDN'T.

After this little "phenomena" where people decided to argue with facts versus their memories, a study was done. At least, I think a study of some sorts was done.... the point is, people started looking into it. And you would not believe some of the shit that people have thought up as a collective group.

AND I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. (And also, people are blaming it on an alternate reality or time travel? I'm not opposed to that idea as much as I am that people who have figured out how to time travel can't think of anything better to do than some of this shit. #SaveJohnConnor).

I'm clearly a proud product of the 90s. I enjoy grunge and flannel, Winona Ryder is my idol, I miss the days of Surge and powdered Bubbalicious, and let me tell you, there is just something about Ethan Hawke.

I say this, because one of mine and my brother's favorite movies to watch while we were kids in the 90s was Shazam. If you're wondering what that is, it's a movie wherein Sinbad plays a Genie.... or does he?! You see, my brother and I both distinctly remember this movie and could even quote it.... the only problem is, IT DOESN'T EXIST AND NEVER HAS.

Ummm, excuse me?!

That's right, no such movie exists. Never has. People remember it and love it, but it DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. What in the hell is this nonsense?

See 20 examples of The Mandela Effect.

My brother and I are not the only ones with this little affliction. There are many people that remember this non-existent film. Just like there are a bunch of people that remember reading The Berenstein Bears growing up.... except the Berenstein Bears DON'T EXIST either. No, it's the Berenstain (stupid) Bears and it always has been. Four year old Katie would disagree, but what does she know? She was watching pretend Sinbad.

The funny thing is, I know things to be true that other people completely disagree with. I always knew that it was "Interview with the Vampire" not "Interview with a Vampire" and I knew that Curious George NEVER had a tail.... but, I didn't realize that Jiffy peanut butter has never existed and sure, I knew "Life was like a box of chocolates" not "is" but I had no clue that people thought that the Mona Lisa has been altered.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!! Wait until I tell my brother about Sinbad.