For the week of giving thanks, I sure want to kick a few people in the face.

Starting, but not stopping with my adorable fiance. But, we'll not get into that right now.

Today is the Mondayest of all Mondays and the fact that it's a short week has not lifted my spirits even the slightest. Frankly, I would have prefered to stay in bed with my pups and not move at all until I have to cook on Thursday, but that's neither here nor there. Apparently, participating in life is a healthy thing? Whatevs.

The weekend went by far too quick, as it always does, but at the very least, it was productive. While D worked on Saturday, I finally got the pit that I call a house cleaned up (except for the back bedroom, and it's more than a f*cking process), and Sunday was spent getting D his new phone (I kind of broke his last December/January and we finally got around to switching his plan over) and grocery shopping. Not only did I get the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving accomplished, but also the regular ole grocery shopping that has needed to be done forever, but I haven't had the umph to do.

Now, I can actually cook our dinner at home in the evenings instead of having to constantly order takeout. Which is good on the wallet and wasteline (probably?). Also, I think I've finally convinced D to go down to part-time, so it's only a matter of time before my life is in a semi-order. Maybe.

And of course, while we were at the store, I saw a pit of toys and my pups just HAD TO HAVE a new Christmas toy. Because, even though I'm not in a "holly jolly" spirit, there's no reason my pups should have to suffer for it. OH!! And I got a roasting pan so I can make the holiday turkeys/hams/regular ole stuff.... ok, it's not a "traditional" roasting pan like I wanted, but it's a pan that will definitely suffice and will now be used until the day I die to accomplish my many endeavors.

So.... the goals for my week are simple: show up for work for the next three days, attempt to keep my house clean, straighten up that f*cking back bedroom that is the bane of my existence, and cook Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday without having a nervous breakdown or setting my house ablaze.

Side note: since I didn't go to my cousins Thanksgiving thing on Saturday, because of my sickness, my aunt has convinced herself and my entire family that I'm pregnant. Not that the smell of mayo made me sick, because I couldn't keep anything down and had food poisoning, but because there's a human swimming around in there. PS: THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOT. And then I had to explain that my "lady doctor" is in there enough to where if I was, she would definitely tell me. Ugh.... holidays.

Thanksgiving 2019: what to do, what to eat, who to be with.

I'm not extremely into the holidays this year. In all honesty, holidays have never really been my thing, but this year I feel especially ugh about them. I'm not full of holiday spirit, I'm not excited for festivities, and the entire process seems exhausting to me. I don't know what to do these days, but also the thought of doing things annoys me, so who f*cking knows.

Thanksgiving is coming up this week and we were supposed to go to my cousins house on Saturday (today) for their early celebration. But, D has to work and I feel like crap run over twice, so that's a giant bust. I know I should be more upset about it, but any kind of social function depletes my entire body and all brain operation ceases to exist.

What to do: So, we have decided instead that for Thanksgiving it's just going to be me, D, and our pups. (We invited my brother, his girl, and baby, but she wants to make them their own dinner at their house too, so it's all good). I'm going to get the stuff to cook us dinner this weekend and by Thursday, we'll be prepared.... well, food prepared, not mentally or emotionally prepared.

What to eat: I figured that since it's just going to be the two of us + the three pups, I would make us all the essentials of Thanksgiving, but only the things we like and not such large portions of everything. We've decided that the essentials we will need for our dinner are: turkey (I want to get a small turkey breast and make it in my InstantPot, D wants a full turkey to make in the oven, we're still debating it), mashed taters (D's dad suggested that we get the four-cheese bag potatoes and have those, but I prefer to make homemade mashed taters and D prefers the ones I make, so homemade it is), gravy (I found a trick to make homemade brown gravy and D practically drinks it, so I'm making that kind), sweet tater casserole (the only dessert we'll need- and apparently it needs to have marshmallows), stuffing (I'm so happy that we both prefer stove top stuffing to anything fancy!), green beans (just regular green beans, NOT green bean casserole, because GROSS), artichoke hearts (I've never had this for a holiday, but decided we should try something new for us), mac 'n cheese (we debated between mac n cheese or corn casserole and decided on the mac), cranberry sauce (the canned kind, NOT the homemade kind, because I might be the only one to eat it, but Momma always made sure that I had it every single year and this will be one tradition that I keep), and rolls (the Hawaiian sweet rolls, because they're the best and ain't nobody got the effort to be making homemade everything).

Who to be with: Like I said, it's just going to be me, D, and our pups. Of course, our little furchildren will get their own plates and celebrate with us, because we're basically just a married couple with three children. Our children just have four legs, fur, and are the cutest versions of babies EVER. This way, we can all gorge ourselves on food, while wearing ridiculous sweatpants and pajamas, and take naps while drinking booze and snuggling with the babies.... in between all of my mental breakdowns.

I've never made an entire holiday meal by myself before. I've helped Momma for as long as I can remember, but I've never done it solo. I'm pretty sure D is going to help me do the cooking, but it feels compeltely different without Momma here to direct me and supervise. I say that, because no matter how or what I screwed up, she always knew how to fix it. Last year she taught me how to make the Christmas ham, and while I don't know if I'll ever make one again, because she's not here, she did in fact teach me how to make it.

I've never made a turkey all by myself though. That's why I wanted to just do a breast in the InstantPot, but if we decide to do a full turkey, I guess I'll be googling some shit and possibly getting a roasting pan? Luckily, Momma always told me the Neely's on The Food Network always have my back, so I'll probably grab their turkey recipe. Speaking of roasting pan, I also need to get some more tupperware bowls (and disposable pans and maybe those fancy holiday plates that separate the food for you?), because ours are non-existent at this point. I swear, we have a bunch of stuff and then I go to find it and it's not there. I don't even know what happens to it.... maybe ghosts? But, cool ghosts. Like, the circa Civil War era ghosts. Those are the kind of ghosts to have if you're gonna be haunted. I would say that I want Momma to haunt me, but I really hope that she's at peace, so if we have ghosts, it's definitely those kind.

Sorry, I'm just rambling at this point. So yeah, that's the plan for Thanksgiving this year. I'm planning on eating, drinking, and crying my way through it. And D is going to help.... now if he would only go down to part-time.

I want D to go down to part-time for very selfish reasons.

As most people know, I have been riding on the struggle bus for awhile now. No matter how much I try to jump off said bus, I somehow end up just strapped on and along for the ride. It's frustrating, but also something that I'm used to at this point. Do I want to be used to it? No. But am I? Yeah.

And because of this, other areas of my life have been lacking. You see, most of the effort and energy that I can muster gets used on pulling myself out of bed and going to work. No, that doesn't sound like it should take alot of effort, and yet, here we are. With the usage of this energy, I don't clean my house like I would like it to be, I don't cook meals like I would like to, laundry is always piled up, and my pups don't get all of the attention and interaction that I feel they deserve on a daily basis. Although, if I'm being honest, whatever energy I have left is definitely used on my pups.

Therefore, I was thinking/talking to D the other day and about halfway through our conversation, I was all, "you should go down to part-time!" He was a little confused at first, because I had obviously had an epiphany and hadn't included him in it yet.

I thought he should go down to part-time, that way he could clean the house and make sure the pups are getting the amount of attention that they deserve. Sure, that sounds insane, and ridiculous, but I got to thinking about it and to me, it's really no different than when one of two people in a relationship work part-time or are a stay at home parent. The only differences are, it would be the "dad" doing it instead of the mom (because it's almost 2020 and men can do that shit now) and our children have four legs and fur. THEY ARE STILL MY CHILDREN.

I mean, he's just such a good house cleaner and once he's done I'd never have to clean or mow grass ever damn again. Which in all honesty, sounds like it would be the greatest gift ever right about now. So yeah, I'm being one of those people. I want my husband (ok fine, he's still my fiance right now, BUT COME ON) to work part-time, because I'd rather pay bills than clean, do laundry, and mow grass right now. (And he seemed to be good with that deal.... if I can only talk him into actually doing it!)

He would take so much anxiety that I have, that probably shouldn't exist, but most definitely does. And I love the idea of that. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks about it, I think it is close to the most genius plan I've ever had in my entire life.

I just want to be able to use whatever energy I have left to play with my pups, hang out with D without being in the fetal position, and cook instead of constantly ordering takeout. That's what I f*cking want. Yeah, I said it. #NoRegrets

I should be better at this by now.

This year has been difficult.... and challenging.... and heartbreaking.... and frankly, honestly, just f*ck this entire year.

Aunt Poot called me at 4:11am this morning and as soon as my phone rang, I knew something was wrong. As soon as I saw that it was Aunt Poot, I knew it was even worse than what I was imagining. She called to tell me that my Aunt Winnie passed away this morning. Apparently, she had been having trouble breathing, and my Uncle Robbie called 911, but by the time they got there, they were unable to resuscitate her. Not unlike Momma.

Now, with the year that my family has had.... Momma suddenly passing in January.... Dani's dad (Stanley B.) passing in April.... Aunt Linda passing in May.... Uncle Clyde getting diagnosed with Stage3 cancer.... D's sister losing her baby.... not to mention all of the extended family and what they've gone through.... you would think that we were getting better at seeing things like this coming and handling the situations to the best of our abilities with strong perseverance.

But, that's just not the case.

You see, I feel incredibly selfish and ridiculous. I lost Momma in January and ever since then, my emotions have been a roller coaster ride that just won't end. While I try to move forward and get things in order, waves of emotions and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. So, for every step I attempt to take forward, I end up getting pushed back four. It's incredibly frustrating and in all honesty, overwhelming.

My brother has informed me that my Momma would be mad and disappointed in me. She would be mad that I'm still grieving her being gone and she would be disappointed in the ways that I keep the house, how much I drink, how I deal with my depression, and that I haven't "moved on." Whether he's right or wrong (or, just being the dick that is my brothers personality), I can't seem to do anymore than what I am.

I try. But, I apparently do not succeed.

What hasn't changed is the fact that most days I just want to stay and or get into bed and not move. I know that sounds pathetic and/or insane, but it's just how I feel. I know I should want to, but I don't want to participate in things.

Going to work? No. I do because I have to, but I don't enjoy it anymore (I have always enjoyed working). Grocery shopping? Ugh. Family gatherings? Pass. Doctor visits? Hard no. Throughout the week I manage to pull myself out of bed in the mornings for work, but once I get home or on the weekends, all I want to do is climb right back in.

And this morning, I find myself questioning my entire personality. You see, I feel like I should be better at this by now. I feel like I should be able to offer comfort and support. I should know what to say to make things feel easier and I should know what to do to make people feel more at ease. I've been in this situation, I know the feelings, and yet, I am unable to do what needs to be done for other people.

Why? Because I'm still learning how to do it all for myself. I am aware that I should be better at this, and that I should have, according to my brother, "moved past this" but I just can't seem to do it. It still takes everything I have in me to get myself through each and every day, and some days I'm so exhausted that I can't even seem to move, but I feel like I should be able to do more. More for them, more for me, more for the universe, I guess.

I should be able to comfort my cousin and uncle and tell them that everything will be ok and that it gets easier, but I also can't bring myself to lie. And I feel like it would be lying, because even though people keep telling me these things and I see them in other people's lives, I can't seem to experience it for myself, therefore I can't repeat them to others. For that reason, here I stand. Somewhere in Limbo, not really sure where to go or what to do next.... and definitely unsure of what to do with myself or how to handle absolutely anything.

So yeah.... that's where we're all at. Just trying to make it through this ridiculous f*cking year that is 2019. And trying, beyond all logic and reason, to just keep going. Why? Because I am my Momma's daughter and that's what she taught me to do.

I'm not sure if I need a box of Theraflu, a nap, or a bottle of whisky.

Things that I'm required (or, supposed to be required) to do this week:

Show up to work and participate in adulthood, go to my cousin's Thanksgiving day dinner on Saturday, deep clean my entire house and fold a load of laundry, stay conscious and not take a nap under my desk, take a class for work on Wednesday.

Things that I don't want to participate in this week:

Everything that I listed.

We took all of our pups on an outing.... and it was eventful and expensive.

D and I talked about it and I think we're planning on making our trip to Florida come March. I'm not big on the whole Florida thing (living there for two years did me in, although I'm eternally grateful for meeting D and his family while we lived there and I learned quite a bit about myself), but D misses his family terribly, and I love them too, so we're planning a trip to go down.

We're of course taking our pups with us, because they are my children and the thought of "boarding" them makes me want to cry, so we figured for the trip, it would be a good idea to have them all fitted with the correct harnesses and leads. The only lead we had was a retractable one, that worked great for Tayder while Momma let him out in our old house, but they aren't the best for big pups.

So, we loaded them all up and headed to the PetCo.

Now, when I say that we were getting them all fitted for harnesses and leads, I probably should have also mentioned that I was fairly inebriated and basically everything they looked at, I was convinced they needed and they got it. There's a reason that it's called "puppy eyes" and my boys know how to work my feelings like nobody's business. Seriously, they know exactly what to do and what look to give in order for them to get their every wish and desire from me. And I just chalk it up to "well, they need it, they're my babies" and it probably has gotten me in more trouble than it should have. But, they needed stuff and who am I to deny them their every want and dream? (Ps: I would be a horrible human person mother, because I'm a sucker for my furbabies and my kids would definitely be assholes).

Included but not limited to: two harnesses (Spart had one that fits perfectly), three leads, a cone for Tayder for when he won't quit chewing on himself, a variety of toys and treats, two different kinds of itch spray for Tayder, a pair of dog shoes for me (don't ask), a dog bag for dog paraphernalia.

And probably some other stuff that I can't even remember. Basically, what I'm saying is, my drunk ass spent WAY too much money at that damn pet store, but also all of my babies are happy, so it was also totally worth it? I should probably quit making decisions after two bottles of wine and bottle of Kinky. I'm not going to, but I probably should.

Oh, and D cut his finger open with his knife trying to adjust Xur's harness correctly, and commenced to "bleeding out" in the store. So, you know, good family times.

I think I'm gonna make shepherd's pie and cabbage for dinner.

I have a hard time deciding what to make for dinner most nights. It's not that I'm one of those "indecisive" people when it comes to food, but I try to make/think of things that D will also like to eat. Since he's a pickier eater than I am (he doesn't like mushrooms.... which I love!!), I usually just ask him what he wants, and that's that.

But, every now and then, I think of something I really want and I say screw it, that's what we're eating. To be honest, with my emotions being every which way lately, I've been ordering more takeout than I should, because cooking and then cleaning it up seems like a never-ending chore. Ugh.

Tonight though, I think I have made the decision. I'll run by the store on my way home to pick up dog food and wine (the essentials of my household), and while I'm there, I think I'll pick up the stuff to make shepherd's pie and cabbage. For some reason, I really want some damn cabbage, and since it's rainy and gross outside, shepherd's pie seems like a good choice.

Then again, I desperately need to clean my house, so hopefully I'll get that all done, do a load of laundry (that reminds me, I need to pick up some laundry soap too!), cook supper, and be done by the time D gets home, so we can just gorge on delicious food, booze, and watch movies while cuddling with our dogs.

I had an emotional breakdown over a f*cking mouse.

Friday evening I came home from work and started feeding Tayder (he eats vienna sausages, not regular dog food), and while I was draining his can of food in the sink, I realized there was a teeny tiny mouse stuck in it.

Finding a mouse or two throughout the winter months is not unusual in the Midwest, but if I'm being perfectly honest, finding a live one just chilling in your sink tends to catch you a little off guard. I wasn't sure what to do at first, so I put a tupperware bowl over him and slid the lid under, effectively trapping him inside the bowl. I knew that I should have killed him, because mice tend to just get back in where it's warm, but as I looked at him in the bowl, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

In fact, I panicked and just kept replaying scenes from The Green Mile in my head over and over again until the point came where I started crying and saying out loud, "I can't kill him! I can't do it! I can't be like Percy! What would John Coffey say?! Not Mr. Jangles!!"

It was a bit insane, even for me, but the fact remains that I've been fairly emotional lately and just couldn't do it. Needless to say, after panicking for another three to four minutes, I took him outside, a little down the street, and released him on the hillside, hoping that he would run away and start a new life somewhere else.

And yes, I threw away the tupperware bowl.

It's the time of year where people are with their families at home.

With the holidays approaching (excluding Halloween, because I'm spooky all year long), people are making plans and preparations to spend time with their families and be at home. There are 1,000,000+ songs about this time of year and that number is only increasing.

Personally, I find myself not giving a shit about the holidays. Like, at all. I don't care that Thanksgiving is in a couple of weeks, I roll my eyes with all the Christmas chatter, and the fact that New Years Eve will be soon irks me.

Usually, every year for the holidays, Momma and I go to my Aunt/Uncle's house (even though that has somehow switched to my cousin's house the last couple of years), as well as have our own traditions at ours. Every year for my entire life we have put our Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving evening and watch White Christmas. It's a small tradition, but it's ours.

But, without Momma here, I don't know where my traditions lie.

My mindset is very consistent. I don't want to put a Christmas tree up. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And, I very much want to pretend that the holiday season is nonexistent. While D insists that Momma would want me to celebrate and try to be happy, and I know that he's right, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's not here with me.

And it sucks. After losing her, nothing feels right and nowhere feels like home. Don't get me wrong, I love my house and don't ever plan on leaving it, but I've always been of the belief that "home" is where the people you love the most are. And yes, I love D and my pups and my family beyond words, but she was always my home.

Now home feels foreign to me. Holidays feel unfamiliar. I don't know where to go from here.

I have decided to try though, because I know that's what she would want. I don't know how well that's going to go or what is going to happen, or where my traditions now lie, but I know that she would insist that I try something. I don't think I'm ready to be around a slew of family yet, so I believe I've decided to make Thanksgiving dinner for me and D at our house.

Instant Pot turkey, sweet tater casserole, and a couple other things seems like a good place to start. Mostly because, I don't know what else to do with myself.

So yeah, I'm trying. I've been trying. But, I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying.