Now, with the year that my family has had.... Momma suddenly passing in January.... Dani's dad (Stanley B.) passing in April.... Aunt Linda passing in May.... Uncle Clyde getting diagnosed with Stage3 cancer.... D's sister losing her baby.... not to mention all of the extended family and what they've gone through.... you would think that we were getting better at seeing things like this coming and handling the situations to the best of our abilities with strong perseverance.
But, that's just not the case.
You see, I feel incredibly selfish and ridiculous. I lost Momma in January and ever since then, my emotions have been a roller coaster ride that just won't end. While I try to move forward and get things in order, waves of emotions and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. So, for every step I attempt to take forward, I end up getting pushed back four. It's incredibly frustrating and in all honesty, overwhelming.
My brother has informed me that my Momma would be mad and disappointed in me. She would be mad that I'm still grieving her being gone and she would be disappointed in the ways that I keep the house, how much I drink, how I deal with my depression, and that I haven't "moved on." Whether he's right or wrong (or, just being the dick that is my brothers personality), I can't seem to do anymore than what I am.
I try. But, I apparently do not succeed.
What hasn't changed is the fact that most days I just want to stay and or get into bed and not move. I know that sounds pathetic and/or insane, but it's just how I feel. I know I should want to, but I don't want to participate in things.
Going to work? No. I do because I have to, but I don't enjoy it anymore (I have always enjoyed working). Grocery shopping? Ugh. Family gatherings? Pass. Doctor visits? Hard no. Throughout the week I manage to pull myself out of bed in the mornings for work, but once I get home or on the weekends, all I want to do is climb right back in.
And this morning, I find myself questioning my entire personality. You see, I feel like I should be better at this by now. I feel like I should be able to offer comfort and support. I should know what to say to make things feel easier and I should know what to do to make people feel more at ease. I've been in this situation, I know the feelings, and yet, I am unable to do what needs to be done for other people.
Why? Because I'm still learning how to do it all for myself. I am aware that I should be better at this, and that I should have, according to my brother, "moved past this" but I just can't seem to do it. It still takes everything I have in me to get myself through each and every day, and some days I'm so exhausted that I can't even seem to move, but I feel like I should be able to do more. More for them, more for me, more for the universe, I guess.
I should be able to comfort my cousin and uncle and tell them that everything will be ok and that it gets easier, but I also can't bring myself to lie. And I feel like it would be lying, because even though people keep telling me these things and I see them in other people's lives, I can't seem to experience it for myself, therefore I can't repeat them to others. For that reason, here I stand. Somewhere in Limbo, not really sure where to go or what to do next.... and definitely unsure of what to do with myself or how to handle absolutely anything.
So yeah.... that's where we're all at. Just trying to make it through this ridiculous f*cking year that is 2019. And trying, beyond all logic and reason, to just keep going. Why? Because I am my Momma's daughter and that's what she taught me to do.
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