Baby Brooklyn taking a nap. ❤️

D's little sister Caitlyn (aka, the best little sister I never had) sent me a photo yesterday of our new little niece, Brooklyn. We weren't able to go down for her baby shower (my plan was to take a flight and surprise her that day, but stupid COVID happened), but we did send her a baby gift. You know, the usual. Some diapers, baby wash, etc.... and a stuffed sloth that reads, "I'll always hang with you" with two more sloths on the tshirt.

Even though we're 1,000 miles apart, we want all of our nieces and nephews to know (along with Gabby, but he lives much closer!), that no matter distance, time, or troubles, we will always be there for them. And apparently, Baby Brooklyn sleeps with her little sloth every single night.

I made an appointment to chop even more of my hair off.

I'm not sure what's happening to me these days, but I find myself with more and more less effort to put forth. I used to push myself and feel guilty when I didn't do the things that I thought I was supposed to do. And now? I feel no guilt or effort for it.

If I don't want to do something, I simply don't do it. Yard work, house work, activities. I just can't seem to find the enthusiasm for it all. I used to never pass up on helping do all of these things or just doing them myself, because I always felt that I was a bad or lazy person, because of it. And sure, I still do have days where I force myself to do things like clean the house and do laundry. I still go to work every day and I still make sure my pups are taken care of. Aside from that though, the pickens are slim.

Example: D: Do you want to help me stain this porch? Me: No, not really.

I also used to make sure I did a little something to my hair and applied a tad of makeup every single day. Whether I was working or just hanging out around the house, it was part of my daily routine. I even kept my hair long so I could straighten it and make it look presentable to some standard.

Now, I'm at the point that I could care less what people think about my appearance. Don't like it? Don't look at it. And whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. I don't even have the effort to care. If I want to slap on a little makeup and curl my hair, I do it. If not, well.... little ole gypsy from Drag Me To Hell, here I come.

It's also come to my attention that the shorter my hair is, the better I seem to feel. I used to have a borderline nervous breakdown if my hair was short, because I always thought that "the prettiest girls have long hair." I've come to realize that's ridiculous and I was dumb for thinking that. Plenty of woman have short hair, or no hair at all and rock that shit.

Now, I teeter on the line of a nervous breakdown daily, so trivial things like hair don't even register on my wavelength. Therefore, I called Lia and scheduled to have more chopped off this coming Wednesday. Yes, even shorter with our wedding almost two months away. Because that's who I am as a person.

There's alot happening in the world right now.

And we would all be insane to dismiss or diminish it.

Where are we at? What is happening? I find myself asking these questions far more the older I get. When you're a child, it's easy to see things in very simple terms. There's good and bad. Right and wrong. But, as you get older, it becomes more clear to you that other people don't see things in those terms.

I've always been the type of person to look at things with the mindset I have since I was a child. And maybe that's wrong, or even ignorant of me. But, I was raised with very simple beliefs. Everybody is equal regardless of ethnicity or background. Treat others how you would want them to treat you. There is a wrong way and a right way. Love is love.

All of these things have followed me from my childhood into my adult life. I still look at every situation and think to myself, how would I want to be treated in this scenario? And honestly, I love that about myself. I love my way of thinking. I look at people exactly like that.... as people. I don't see color or sexuality, I don't see how much money they make or where they come from. I just look at everyone as people. My people, your people, our people.

But, it's become abundantly clear to me that other people do not believe in my way of thinking. They want to think through color and sexuality and gender. They want to feel superior to others and to believe that they are somehow entitled to more, all because they are who they are.

What makes them better than another person? Beats me.

I want us all to be at a place in this world where we can walk down the street and we don't have to worry about our children, spouses, parents. I want us all to be able to look at each other as people and not as the enemy.

Do I like the fact that people are having to march and protest? No. Do I think that protesting has a long and proven history of helping to make things better in the end? Yes. Do I think it's ok to deface property and riot in the streets? No. Do I think it's insane that a person is more at risk because of the color of their skin? Yes. Do I think that taking down statues is trying to erase history? No. Do I think it's ridiculous that we put up statues to glorify terrible and/or racist people to begin with? Yes.

I was raised in the South. And I'm proud of that. I was plucked straight out of the holler and you had to travel down numerous backroads to get to where I'm from. I have never denied that I am a hillbilly and I wear that as a badge of honor. However, do I think that the long history of the abuse curated in the south is ok? No. I'm not proud of that. That's not me and that's not who I am. And that's not who the majority of the people I was raised with are.

I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, because I'm not. What I am saying though, is I think it's absolutely ridiculous that some people feel the need to condemn others or treat them as if they're beneath themselves. Do you know who does shit like that?

Fucking assholes. That's who. My piece of life advice? Don't be a fucking asshole.

I got real lazy (no surprise there!) about planning our wedding.

So, instead of running around like a madwoman to find all of the things that we needed to finish this ordeal out, I got onto Amazon and just ordered the last things that we needed. Sure, we still have to get D's suit, make the table decorations (although I did buy the flowers so all we'll have to do is put them in the wood that's hollowed out), and make the food. But, that's it.

The rest of it, once I receive all those Amazon packages is DDOOONNNNNEEEEEE.

And I couldn't be happier about it. Say what you will, but planning everything out for a wedding is stressful as hell, and while I used to make fun of women for it, I have come to realize that the struggle is real. We're not even having a big wedding, just small and simple, and it's still SO much work. Honestly, it's all worth it, but still.

My sweetheart is building me that porch I’ve been wanting for 2+ years. 🏠

He started on Saturday and has been going strong ever since! It's looking pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

I did some serious grocery shopping the Friday before last.

Y'all, with COVID-19 running rampant and everything going on in the world, to say that I try to avoid going to the grocery store, or any public place when not required, would be a small understatement. Therefore, I try to go only where I have to when I absolutely have to.

Afterall, I have to pay for my house (as does everyone with their own) and my way of thinking is, if I'm already paying for it, why not stay in it?! At it?! You know what I mean. I love being at my house with my pups and just chilling. For alot of years, I ran around crazy like a chicken with my head cut off. I've been working since a little before I was fifteen, I took care of Momma since that time, and we also took care of Grammy for years. And I wouldn't change any of that. Not a single thing. But, I'd be lying if I said I was struggling with the transition of doing so much to not as much these days.

My job is steady with the same hours every week, and while I still have loads of stress and anxiety, I also find that my house is my safezone. Surrounded by my pups and D, that's where I feel the most at peace. I say all of this to basically tell you that I'm a hermit. An eighty-nine year old man inside a thirty year old woman's body.

Also, this is what happens when you watched nine seasons of The Walking Dead, all six Resident Evil movies, and decided to start making your own dog food while in quarantine.

He’s always thinking of me. 💙

Today, D brought me home the prettiest orchid that I've ever seen. There was no reason, no occasion, he just saw it and said, "it was pretty blue like your eyes and made me think of you." Isn't he just the sweetest?! Now, if only (hopefully) I can keep it alive. *fingers crossed* I don't have the best track record, but I'm gonna try!!

We got new shirts for the guys today and realized just how "petite" we are.

Oh you know, just Dani and I being our normal ridiculous selves and trying on some of our guys' (at work) shirts. We knew we were short and all, but this just took it to a whole other level. What can I say?! We have fun together and try to entertain ourselves. Maybe we should make dresses out of these?! (Nope!)

I planted flowers over the weekend. And most of them are still alive.

Saturday, after I had my blood drawn, I went out to Aunt Mary's to get some flowers for my front and back flowerbeds. With all the work that D put into the yard (it looks so nice!) and us keeping up on it together, I thought it was time to get some flowers in there to make it prettier. (Even though it looked nice without any plants in there.)

While I was going to plant them Saturday evening, a storm came through and there was hail the size of baseballs falling.... needless to say, it beat up my plants pretty good. But hey, at least they got watered, right? So, I planted them on Sunday. The majority of them are still a bit puny, but they're perennials, so even if they don't perk up this year, they'll be back and bright next year. Probably and most likely if I don't kill them by accident.

For now, there's some really beautiful blooms and we'll see what happens with the rest. (I'm even watering them everyday and keeping up with the whole thing.... so, score one for dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety, but trying like hell to keep going!) Hey, every little bit counts.... right?!

Those vampires looked nothing like Tom Cruise.

Last week, I had to go to my lady doctor for my annual checkup. Isn't that always the luck? The hottest day in the year thus far so happens to be the day that you have to go wait in a doctor's office in a hospital gown and face mask.

And don't get me wrong, I have no problem wearing a facemask. Are they uncomfortable and hot? Yes. Am I willing to wear one so I don't by chance infect a 95 year old grandpa with fifteen grandchildren and contribute to his death? Also, yes. Because the way my family life has been going for the last few years, the last thing I need is more bad juju.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU, PEOPLE.

But, I digress. The point is, I went to my lady doctor (and yes, lady doctor is what I call my vagina doctor) on Thursday for my annual checkup and had to have some tests run. With my personal history and family history on both sides (even though I have nothing to do with my father or his side of the family, medical background is important), she suggested that I get genetic testing done. While that sounds scary and overwhelming, it was a simple blood test and apparently it can tell you a boatload of information.

When she suggested it, I took her word for it, because I trust her and her medical opinion. If she thinks it's something worth looking into, then I'll do it. If there's a problem, then we'll known which options are on the table. If not, better safe than sorry.

While I got my blood drawn for the genetic testing on Thursday, I had to have more drawn on Saturday for various other tests. You know, cholesterol, A1C, etc. I'm really not sure what all they're testing for, but they took eight tubes of blood, so hopefully they're testing it all at once.

And that's it. I haven't got the genetic testing back. I haven't received a call about the additional blood work yet. So now, I just wait. In Limbo until we all know what's going on.

Three years ago I didn't have words and I still don't.

Three years ago today, I wrote to my family and friends to thank them for being there with us when Momma had to have her amputation surgery. And now, three years later, with her no longer being here with me, I find myself emotional and.... heartbroken.

So, I do what I almost always do.... I write to her, about her, and for her.

When this happened, I didn't know how we were going to get through it, but I knew we would.... together. Three years later, I never thought that I would be navigating my life without Momma, even though, we almost lost her quite a few times. With this decision, I got to have another year and a half with her and that's something that can never be outdone. I would do it all over again. Every decision and worry, was completely worth it, because of her. While I miss and think about her every single day, the memories that I have are something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

I wish she were here with me, but I try to find solace in the fact that she is at peace and is no longer in pain. And while I would do anything to have her at our wedding, I know that somehow and someway, she will be with me not only that day, but for all of the other ones, as well. Because that's who she is. Not was, but is. I am forever grateful to have had a mother, best friend, confidant, lifeline, and most importantly, my heart all wrapped up into one amazing person that I got to spend almost twenty-nine years of my life with. 

I love you, Momma. Always have, always will. 

When the game stands tall. (July 2017).

While I am not one for over emotions or letting people into my personal business (or space, for that matter), I feel the need to say this.

Sometimes in life, unexpected things happen, and not always is it a welcomed surprise. There are times that an event or circumstance comes forth and whether it's to test your resilience, strength, or some kind of strange joke that no one finds amusing, we have to learn how to deal and take what comes our way. No matter how much we try to avoid and plan.... sometimes, life decides to divert from whatever your "game plan" was (even if it's not all that great of a "game plan" to begin with).

(Before I start, let me just say, she's ok).

On July 5th we had to rush Momma to the ER. What started as something that we had thought was the flu (she had all symptoms of the flu and no outward appearance of anything else), turned out to be so much more devastating and life altering. She had an infection in her foot that had been brewing for quite some time and a certain event had aggravated it enough to make it make its grand appearance. In a matter of twelve hours, my sweet, loving, caring, vibrant mother became lethargic, incoherent, septic, and fell out of consciousness. With that situation presented, I had to make some decisions that no one ever wants to make, but sometimes have to be made nevertheless. They informed me that if I didn't make these decisions, that I would not have my mother longer than a few hours. So, I made them, and I would do it again.... a thousand times over.

On Friday evening, she had surgery. It was scary and sad and something that we could have never seen coming. But you know what? Because of this, we still have her, and that is something that is invaluable. To say the progress that she has made since July 5th, and from the hour of her surgery, is impressive would be the most vast understatement of the century. Every single person that she's come in contact with is beyond impressed by her resilience, progress, determination, and good nature. She's got probably the most positive outlook of any person that I have ever met. We've got a long road ahead of us, but we're more than willing to do it. She's got a lot of work ahead of her, as this is not just a physical change, but one of emotion, mentality, and lifestyle in general. But we're doing it, and we will continue to do it.

I say all of that, so I can say this.

The amount of love, support, respect, and understanding that we.... that I.... have received during this time is beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. I always knew that I was lucky to be surrounded by the loving people that I have in my life, but I don't think you can ever truly grasp any of it until you don't know how you're going to get through something, and they're standing next to you to remind you that you can and you most definitely will. I've always prided myself on being the "strong" one. There have been very few times in my life that my emotions have gotten the best of me and I most certainly hate asking for help. I always have and I believe I always will. Y'all didn't make me ask. Never once did I have to ask, beg, or even doubt. You were just there for any and all things. I've never understood what someone meant when they said they were surrounded by their "tribe" and I always thought it was kind of silly.... but I get it now. You offered every kind of support imaginable, and when I was stubborn, you made me take it anyways. I don't think that there are words I could say or any way that I can ever repay you and make you understand how much all of it has meant to me. Seriously, thank you. I know that sounds a little plain, but I can honestly think of nothing better. You have no idea how much this has meant to me and how grateful that I am. From the bottom of my heart, and the sincerest part of myself, thank you. I love y'all more than you'll ever know.

We have a long road ahead, but I have no doubt we'll do it, and you have all been, and continue to be, a big part of that. I tried to put it into words, but there really aren't any that do it. So instead, I say, thank you beyond words and I love you beyond measure.

Being an adult is a never ending and exhausting battle.

And sometimes, you just need to have a few shots and cuddle with your pup to take a load off. Other times, you need to take pictures of your guy cuddling with one of your pups, because you have insomnia and get delirious at various points of the day.

I got real drunk and ordered a bunch of stuff off of SHEIN.

I also had all of my hair chopped off (a few months before our wedding) and I'm trying to put forth at least a little bit of effort into the way I look on a day to day basis. Sure, it isn't much, but at least it's some form of effort.... right?!

My hair isn't styled correctly, but at least it looks like I have bed head on purpose. My makeup is at a minimum with just foundation and powder, but that takes some of the redness out of my face (who in the hell knows how I'm supposed to get rid of these dark circles?!). And, I've been wearing a series of my drunken purchases.

Considering that the majority of things I own these days are caused from my drunken antics, it should be no surprise that a box showed up at my house the other evening for me and I was like wwhhhaaaaa??!!!! It was a box full of clothes from a company called SHEIN and apparently when I'm drinking someone should take my phone away from me.

Luckily, I loved everything that was in there and everything I've tried on so far has been really comfy (and cute). Because let's be real, everyone that knows me knows that I value comfort over all the other stuff 24/7 (hence why I love my wedding dress so damn much). What can I say? Drunk Katie knows what's up and what I like.

But now, sober Katie wants to get a couple more of these tee-dresses from the company, because did I mention the comfort level? Them being extremely cute is just a bonus. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll look like a functioning human being that belongs in everyday society. But for now, I'll be over here with my questionable hair (that I honestly love) wearing a tie-dye dress with an alien and alien cat (yeah, you read that right) on it.... to work. Because I'm an adult.