We're in the 100,000 mile club.

As of yesterday afternoon... Doug Judy officially has 100,000 miles. And I still love it as much as the day we brought him home... if not more. He's been good to me.

Hopefully, being the little champ he is, there's lots more trips and love to come!

That's some shit on the internet a kid says and no one believes it.

Every now and then one of the kids in our lives pops off with some shit that completely throws Dev and me. This time... it was our nephew, Gabriel. 

We see him the most out of all the kiddos (he stays at our house every other week or weekend) and watching him grow and be the age and size he is now... well, it's mind-blowing. Mostly, because I remember when he was a little tiny baby. I digress.

This past weekend, Dev and me were in our kitchen talking (this is where we spend the most time with or without company... like our congregation room and neither of us knows why), and Gabriel walked up on my left... probably in search of candies or treats. He must've noticed the tattoo on the top of my wrist (how it's taken this long I don't know but that's a seven year old attention span for you) that says "Tayder."

He looked a little confused and when I asked him what was wrong, he pointed at it and asked, "is that Spanish?" Dev told him, "no buddy, that's cursive" to which he replied...

"Where's that?"

I immediately walked into my brothers room and was like, "dude, do they not teach cursive to kids anymore?" and he informed me that no, they don't, because they consider it to be a "dead language." A dead language as in... like, Latin? Because they still teach some people that but cursive is off the table.

The f*ck?! WHAT?!

Sidebar: I don't really know if they still teach people Latin but I feel like I'm right on this (even though I have nothing to substantiate it).

I'm not saying you have to learn cursive to thrive or survive in life, but I do feel like you should make kiddos aware of what it at least is. I realize I'm thirty-four and the advances in technology are progressing so quickly that I can't keep up, but... I still use cursive on a daily. Even if it's only for my signature.

Wait... do you not have to sign your name in cursive for important documentation anymore? I have to look into that.

The point is, shit cracked me and Dev up. He made a joke about how they made his ass learn that shit growing up and how much he hated it (and basically all schooling in general). I made the joke that we're finally that age where we sound like our parents and grandparents.

"When I was growing up... back in my day... when we were kids... I don't understand this new age shit..." F*cking hilarious.

I know I talk about things that have nothing to do with my personal life.

Ok... back to The Program: Cons, Cults, and Kidnapping. 

Y'all... what in the actual f*ck?! Have you seen this? If not, go and watch it and come back. I'll wait... did you watch it? Good.

Dude... when I was growing up, we didn't have cable. Well, we sometimes had cable for spurts... but then it was cancelled and a whole thing so for the majority of the time, no cable. Because of that, my Momma had the classics on tv during the day. Aka... daytime talk shows. She didn't do "the soaps" but daytime talk shows? She loved them all... from Sally Jessy... to Maury... Ricki Lake... Jerry Springer... Rosie O'Donnell... with her absolute favorite being Montel Williams.

I used to watch all these shows with her and while they could be fun and crazy... other times, the hosts had guests with very serious topics. 

I remember when it started feeling like you couldn't turn on a talk show without a set of parents on there talking about how "they couldn't handle their kid" and they "needed someone to step in and handle it." For the life of me, I could never understand why all these people had kids and then decided they were "too much" or "didn't have the time" for them. 

Then... why did you even have kids? Seriously, if you didn't have the time... and you don't have the capabilities to handle it... and you don't want to put forth the effort even when it's hard or feels impossible... and you feel perfectly comfortable letting someone else step in and raise that child... why did you even bother? And don't give me the whole "we were at our wits end"... "we didn't know what to do"... yadda yadda. That's quite literally part of being a parent and if you didn't have the mindset to deal with that, perhaps you should have reevaluated your priorities and life before deciding to reproduce. You have that option available to you.

But, that's one cynic of a shit parent (only one... I was fortunate enough to have an amazing mother).

Moving on. The solution both the hosts and parents seemed to come to for dealing with these kids were either one of two things. Either, the kid was sent to boot camp/juvie to be "scared straight" or they were sent to what they termed a "behavior modification facility." Basically, these were places that were supposed to be like "strict educational facilities" that taught values and discipline to all who attended.

You like how there was never a third option that allowed the child to stay with their actual family though? Oh no... gotta ship those little shits off. Afterall, the parents had enough!

While everyone was made to believe these places were essentially just a more strict and "life skill developing" educational program (think boarding school), there was apparently a dark side that people either didn't know about or chose to ignore all together when they stumbled across that information.

I always thought it sounded like a shit idea. Again, you're just shipping your kids off to stay with all these... strangers? Sure it's supposed to be a "school" and you should be able to trust people in that position... but how much do you really know about these places you're sending these kids and how much do you really know about the people taking care of them? These places and programs just started popping up out of nowhere and no one had any f*cking questions? They were just like, oh solution! And that was that? The f*ck?

You don't have to have any skills or degrees... no training or even a little read through... you literally could have just rolled out of bed from a four day bender still twitching through the day... and you're just in charge of the wellbeing of ALL these kids? And you just keep them until you've deemed they're no longer harmful to society or they age out of the program? 

The Program talks about this system. It literally traces it back to it's origins... and I'm sure you'll be so shocked to find that it's origins are... well... CULT. 

This documentary is amazing. I can't even describe to you what it feels like to watch it but to say it definitely makes you feel those feelings would be an understatement. It takes you through the horrors that happened to these kids through their eyes... as adults looking back. 

The particular events they go over in this documentary were around 2004/2005... meaning all the survivors are around my age. And while every single one of those people are grown and amazing people... all I wanted to do was hug them. Because realistically, I watched a group of adults recount the trauma they've endured and the struggles they still have... and yet, all I saw staring at me and telling me a story were kids. Scared, lonely, abandoned, tortured kids.

It was devastating and heartbreaking. Watching the videos and hearing the stories and just knowing even a percentage of what was going on, I can't even imagine. I will never understand how someone just looks at a kid and abuses them simply because they can. In fact, I'll never be able to understand an abusers state of mind in general, because I'll never understand just because you can... why the f*ck would you?

The atrocities committed against these people were horrendous. Physical, mental, emotional, sexual. Any kind of abuse you could think of, it was there. You haven't heard of a few different ones? Yeah, well, they were probably there too. It literally started from the "program" sending people to KIDNAP your child and drag them to this facility. Upon arrival, they were locked inside (not allowed to step foot outside again without permission), stripped completely naked "for contraband searches" and then the bullshit continued to escalate. 

You can tell these people are haunted by their time at that place.

They go through it all. From the events leading up to them being taken until they were finally able to go home. The things they saw and felt, the things they still feel and have to live with. From being abused to being brainwashed to being made to feel they weren't supposed to acknowledge any of these things. Some rebelled (can I get a whoop-whoop for Q!) while others tried to work the program. The bottom line is... there was no escape. 

No making eye contact, no smiling, no looking out the windows, no forming any kind of bond.

"Palms up, palms down, palms together, palms apart."

The survivors talk about all these things and where they are now. Many have long-term issues with their mental health while others have been left with a broken family. And I have to say, I get why they want to forgive their parents... they didn't know! The program (and others like it) are literally designed to brainwash the parents too. But, that also means they are better people than me... because there is no way I could forgive that. Whether you knew or not, you are still the person who not just signed your kid up for this abuse, but actually had them taken away for it to be enforced. You quite literally paid someone thousands upon thousands of dollars to abuse your child because you didn't want to deal with them. 

You can say they were troubled or you didn't know what to do.

Spin it whichever way you like, but Imma call a spade a spade and say shame on all of you.

And HOW has there been no justice for these people? These kids? Sure, they're grown now but you took a piece of them they can never get back. Months or years of their lives... not to mention the struggles they still have because hello TRAUMA. And what... nothing? 

I love the director of this documentary. She's spiteful and frank and doesn't give a shit who she makes uncomfortable. She's snarky and sarcastic and honestly, I think it must just be something within us Katherine's. She makes me feel like all things are possible with enough resilience and perseverance. 

None of these people cared what happened to her and her friends, so why should she give a damn about their feelings? Their reputations? Their family lives? I'm not saying anyone should do anything rash or illegal (because absolutely not, we're better than these people!), but legal recourse FOR SURE PLEASE. 

It's no wonder the majority of people that had anything to do with that place didn't even want it brought back up to begin with. Mostly, because they're all complicit in child abuse but also because they're shit people who think they didn't do anything wrong. Oh, "I was only there doing my job." The f*ck you were. You knew all of that was going on and you not only didn't tell anyone... you contributed to it. 

The few former employees that did talk in the documentary? F*ck them too. They're no better than any of the other ones... just because they're willing to talk about it doesn't mean they didn't abuse those kids. Even the most open former employee straight up admits to hardcore strip-searching the girls... and looks way too creepily excited about the recollection. Another, says she wasn't required to have any training or background investigation. The survivors all not only had horror stories about her but she admits she was a straight up "bitch" and did terrible things to them. Even going so far as to say, "I would want to know this information about people if it involved my kids." F*cking audacity by the handfuls. You're perfectly comfortable abusing other people's kids so you go ahead and have a few of your own? Fffffuuuuuu........... not saying that's not your right as a person. But also, f*cking audacity.

And there's literally nothing any of them can do to refute it because they left ALL the evidence right there in plain sight. They cared so little about these kids... and thought so few people would believe them... they didn't even bother to try and cover it up. Because they didn't give a shit as long as there was change going into their pockets.

F*cking savages.

I read earlier today there was an investigation opened in NY over this. I don't know how far it will go or to what extent they can even get justice for these people, but I would truly hope there is some form of civil justice out there for them. For all of them... the ones who survived and the ones who lost the battle. 

Like dude said, the abuse of a child is the business of anyone who knows about it. There were truly too many people who knew and did nothing. Don't let history repeat itself. Find them justice, don't let the big dogs win, and do what's right.

Also, let the Katherine's of the world do our thing. One way... or another.

That stupid song will be stuck in my head for a week now.

Just to start off on a ramble... this weekend was super busy and fun. We got our pups new harnesses and Sparkles a new cone, so they are officially road trip ready!

Dev and I watched Barbie... we expected to think it was a little lame and for children... turns out it is super emotional and made us feel our feelings... seriously I had so many emotions and they just seemed to... I don't know... get it. 

I feel the need to tell everyone I learned something hilarious about Dev while watching Barbie. 

You know that Aqua song "Barbie Girl"? 

You know the one... "life in plastic, it's fantastic, you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere." 

Yeah, well, my amazing and hilarious husband has been singing the lyrics to this song as "my boobs are plastic, it's fantastic." 

Like, legit thought those were the lyrics. Considering the song came out in like 1997, it means he's been singing it like that for almost thirty years. I was cracking up... and quickly realized while it was hilarious, I don't think any of us really know the legit words. We've all been making shit up for years. I know I have.

Aside from that, here we are, trying our best and taking each day as it comes. Dev wants to move to FL, I'm always on edge and never know which way is up, and our pups are the little piece of sunshine that comes through all the clouds. All in all, weekends are where it's at.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Call us DINK or call us selfish narcissists... but what you aren't going to call us... is to a f*cking parent-teacher conference.

Dev and I are what people consider "DINK." As in, "Double Income No Kids." Not only did I not know there was an acronym for it for the longest time... I didn't even know that many people were on the same wavelength as us.

Dev and I don't have kids. Nor are we planning on having kids. In fact, we actually have many reasons for not having kids that we call "The List." This list ranges from serious reasoning we discussed even before we got married to hilarious little bits we've run across with the parents and children in our lives. 

Your three year old decided to unpotty train herself and flush the family hamster down the commode? PUT IT ON THE LIST.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on this one. Why I have no idea... it's not like we judge people for having children. You want kids? Cool. That's legitimately my reaction when someone brings it up. However, when someone asks me when (NOT IF) I'm having kids and I say we're not... well then.

I understand that people have the expectation of me to reproduce. I get it. It's been drilled into my head since I swear the day they told my mother she was having a girl. You legit come out of the womb expected to someday push another human out of the womb you just brought out. Like damn, a girl needs a minute. So yeah, I understand it's there.

What I don't understand, however, is why it's there. Why? WHY?! Why is it so f*cking important to you that a human come out of my vagina? Why is my vagina that f*cking important to you in general? I'll never understand why anyone cares what another person is or is not doing to and with their own body.

I've talked about this before. In fact, I've rambled on and on about it over the course of my time on this planet and at this point the argument is moot. There should literally not have to be any other reason other than BECAUSE I SAID NO.

Why? Because NO IS A FULL SENTENCE. NO. See? Full sentence. 

People shouldn't expect others to explain how they feel or what they want to do with their own bodies. BRO, it's their body. I don't tell you what to do with yours, don't tell me what to do with mine. At what point during the human condition did it become acceptable to have an opinion on someone else's body? Don't comment on their weight, don't comment on their dress, don't comment on their reproductive system. Just f*cking don't, you entitled piece of shit. Just because it worked for your body and your God believes that's the way it should be does not give you the validation to condemn other people.

My God and your God? Not the same dude. Because I absolutely refuse to believe that whatever is out there in the universe has nothing better to do than to worry about whether or not I'm having children or wearing pants or eating gluten... whatever crazy it is you think is happening. Does your guy literally have nothing better to do than watch your every move to decide if you'll be condemned to an eternity of hell and servitude if you so much as have the nerve to consider not reproducing? Sounds a little Santa Clausy meets the bitterest part of Revelations to me, homie. You that scared of the afterlife you have to shame and indignify your way through the current one?

People are super mad at Seth Rogen and his wife right now, because they too have made the decision to not have children and he's perfectly comfortable listing the reasons why they made that decision. (They have a "put it on the list" too!) 

And all I have to say is... Seth and Lauren (Miller) Rogen are my f*cking heroes. 

Like Dev and me, their list consists of legitimate and serious reasoning... and hilarious tidbits that I feel you only really understand if you have no desire for children. He makes the crack that, "we like to lay in bed on Saturday mornings and smoke weed and watch movies and we couldn't do that if we had kids" and people are super f*cking butt hurt over it.

People legit COULD NOT WAIT to rip into this man's soul because he had the nerve to have a different opinion than them. My favorites are shit like, "imagine bragging about being a loser" and "sad, they will wake up at fifty and realize life has no meaning."

Seriously, y'all? Your life had absolutely NO meaning for you whatsoever before you had children? You didn't have families or jobs or friends or pets or homes or dreams or goals... none of that? You have literally just been sitting on the sidelines of your entire life waiting for the day you could squirt a little human out of your ballsack or vagina so you could have some meaning? Absolutely nothing before or after that? Right?

How incredibly f*cking sad for you. And I mean that in all seriousness. You say you feel bad for those of us without children, but I feel incredibly sad for you that there is nothing in your life other than one thing that gives you any meaning whatsoever. I'm not saying you feeling like your kids give you meaning or you always wanting to have children is wrong. It's not. It's valid and if you want to be a parent, then by all means, do it. But... nothing else out there in the universe, huh? You only exist to make the next person exist and you don't get to feel fulfilled without it? F*cking sad.

Also, not that it really matters but... y'all know they're like 40+ years old, right? They know whether or not their lives are working out and they're happy or not.

Another woman was all, "a simple we're selfish narcissists would've sufficed." Lady, get off your f*cking high horse. I'm unsure of how two people making a decision in their lives that effects literally no one other than the two making the decision is selfish, but ok then. It's selfish to not have kids... because? 

Because you said so? Because that's what everyone has done before you? Because your life has no meaning whatsoever without your children? 

I think you should read that again. YOUR LIFE has NO MEANING without YOUR CHILDREN.

People get to decide what gives them meaning and makes them feel fulfilled. Just because your children make you feel fulfilled doesn't mean the person standing right next to you feels that way. 

Also, it sounds like alot of people's "valid reasoning" for having children ties into them aging themselves. "What are you going to do when you're old and there's no one to take care of you?" "What's gonna happen when you get up there in age and you don't have kids around... to take care of you?" "I could never imagine not having my children."

I don't want you to imagine not having your children. I want you to be happy and safe and I want your life to be full of wonder and amazement and happiness. But also...

Whose to say the family I've built over my lifetime won't make sure I have the absolute best care I could ever have should the situation arise... whose to say I won't take care of myself all throughout my life perfectly happy and healthy until I just fall asleep one day and don't wake up...

And whose to say your children are going to grow up to be good people that care what happens to you? 

Oohhh... you don't like that one, do you? Hear me out though. You're perfectly comfortable thrusting your opinions into a complete strangers face... telling them they're ignorant and shameful for making a decision to NOT do something with their own bodies... I can't imagine you'll be too uncomfortable shoving your opinions and bullshit down your children's throats as well. And whose to say that child won't grow up to resent the f*ck out of you and stick your hateful ass in a nursing home and never set eyes upon you again until the day you die and you'll just be alone and sad? 

I'm not saying it will happen. I'm just saying, I've seen it happen. And people are so sure it will NEVER happen to them because they're so amazing and raising such extraordinary people... never once considering that maybe that child doesn't feel the same sense of obligation to you that you try to guilt them into. You think Charles Manson's mama knew what the f*ck he was gonna get into as an adult? I don't know for sure, but I'd feel safe taking the bet of no. Was he there to take care of her later in life when she got old? No. Why?

Because even though she did what the entire universe said she should (reproduce) and she did what she was supposed to do (raise said child), at the end of the day, her son was his own person (and a complete piece of shit) who didn't care about anyone other than himself. 

You think her life had absolutely no meaning other than her children? Shame on you for condemning that woman to such a horrid fate. You f*cking savages.

Furthermore, they're losers because they what? Like to smoke weed and watch movies and hang out with each other? I don't know why that sounds sad to you but that sounds like a f*cking treat to me. And I think most would agree. Maybe not with those particulars, but you've never just had a peaceful morning with your spouse and hung out and just I don't know... been present? They enjoy spending quality time together and don't feel like they need anyone other than each other to be fulfilled and that's somehow... sad? 

F*ck on somewhere with that nonsense.

You're calling them losers for not having children and smoking weed because they can't possibly be fulfilled... and all that good they're putting in the world is for nothing, right? Doesn't matter that they've raised more money and awareness for Alzheimer's than any other celebrities out there. Doesn't matter that they campaign for equal rights and donate their time to help others. Doesn't matter that they're descended from some of the most persecuted people in history. Doesn't matter that they're both creative and make films that bring joy to people. Doesn't matter that they travel the globe trying to share their legacy with the world through hope and opportunity.

They're losers because they made the decision to not have children. 

Yeah, they're clearly the ones with the issues. I hope y'all are wearing helmets because it's gonna f*cking hurt when you fall off that high horse of yours.

The whole thing is, there were people (like me) that defended the two and I'm pretty sure we mostly agree with each other. There are people with kids that understand that some people want them while it's not for everyone. Just because they wanted kids, they don't feel the need to judge others that don't.  People who don't have kids don't care if you do. We're happy for you and are thrilled that you feel fulfilled in your lives. We want your kids happy and healthy and chances are, we love SO many of them. Seriously, I love all of our nieces and nephews and cousins and friends children more than I can explain. BUT I still don't want my own. I have absolutely no desire to be a mother and whether you refuse to accept it or not, my husband and I are incredibly happy together, sans those young 'ens.

I want you to do what works for your life and I'm gonna do what works for my life and maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle and not f*cking argue about it. It's clear that you're not going to change your opinion (because history has shown that progress is unnecessary... right?) and I'm certainly not going to change mine, because again, MY F*CKING BODY. So maybe we should find a happy medium and you just keep your opinions to yourselves and live your life how you think and I'll do the same for mine.

Yes, I'm aware that we're only thirty-four years old. Yes, I'm aware we have much more life to live and (hopefully) many years to come. 

But no, I do not regret making the conscious decision to not have children. Having a child you have no desire for, or are unsure if you want to have in the first place, is f*cking selfish. Putting your insecurities and failed dreams and aspirations on that child is f*cking selfish. Having a child for validation from the people around you is f*cking selfish. Not being able to provide for your child because you put them in said situation even though you knew the outcome would be hard and impossible just because you wanted one is f*cking selfish. Having a child just so you can call yourself a parent and then still making all the decisions for yourself because "they're a kid and I'm the parent" is f*cking selfish.

Maybe the people that choose not to reproduce aren't the selfish ones. Perhaps, maybe we're all a little selfish. I'm selfish for only wanting to be responsible for my husband and myself and our lives with our pups and you're selfish for wanting to have children just so you can call yourself a parent and get that validation from society. Maybe we're both selfish or maybe neither of us are selfish. Maybe we're just trying to live our lives and opinionated people riding in on their steeds of superiority need to take a f*cking seat and let us go on about our business.

Also, Seth Rogen is a national f*cking treasure and coming for him is fighting words, f*cker.

I don't have the time nor the patience for that.

I've been trying out a few new things and some random stuff has happened lately and I find myself at the point of just being very "nah" about it. You know like... nah... I'm good?! That's me these days.

Napping has become a favorite of mine, social activities are a chore, and beauty trends have a way of becoming disastrous. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round of exhaustion and honestly, Tiktok has me thinking the vanlife can't really be all that bad.

I can't be the only person feeling like this. I read an article yesterday talking about the things and ways people have changed since the pandemic and I have to agree. I don't think anyone's really recovered from it and we're all still all over the place. Time means nothing, money is fleeting, and we're all really just trying our f*cking best.

Things I have tried and found I do not have patience for to save my entire life: 

Applying and dealing with false eyelashes. Turns out, I don't give that much of a shit about my eyelashes and I feel they're more trouble than they're worth. Bought a pack, tried to figure it out on three separate occasions, failed miserably on all three said occasions, and threw the rest of the box away because I'm done trying that now.

Audacity of the people around me. We recently had to let a dude go at work and I think we can all agree that shit sucks but its also part of being an adult and we have to move forward with our lives. The news was given, he packed up and that was that... until the next day he came in to return some "things he had taken by mistake" and proceeded to slow-motion remove the pair of gloves he was wearing and lay down said gloves, an ink pen, and a tape measure. Like, slow-motion I thought he was about to challenge me to a duel at sunset type situation. And the only thing I could think through his arrogant condescension was... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, I'm about to f*ck you up. Because honestly, how often are we getting challenged to a good ole fashioned duel these days? 

Dyeing/bleaching/basically anything besides brushing my hair. I go back and forth alot on what I want to do to my hair. It's the longest it's ever been and the most natural it's been since I was probably twelve or thirteen years old. I keep saying I want to bleach it and put in a crazy color (purple, blue, green) but honestly, I just don't have the follow through for it. While I think it would be a cool look, I don't actually want to sit there and try to do some shit myself. I also don't want to have someone else touching me. The same could be said about styling it. I like curling it but don't want to burn my hair off and all the "heatless" methods I've used have been a catastrophe. It looks like it's just gonna be me, my silver tweaked hair, and straightener for the next decade or so.

Things I apparently do still have all the patience for:

My husband. Our pups. Our lives together. Body oils instead of lotions. Tattoos as far as the eye can see. Eyebrow mascara and tinted serums. Old vinyl records. Roadtrips with my love. Snuggles with my babies. Resident Alien. La Brea. Banana bread. Dev's OCD and rearranging bug. Warm pajamas. Lazy weekends. Pizza and boiled peanuts.