Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Victoria obviously doesn't have that many secrets.

Yesterday was my first foray into Victoria's Secret.

While I've been in there a couple of times, I've never been "measured" to find out what my actual "size" was (I've never had a cleavage problem.... until now). And to say that I was not a fan would be an understatement.

(Not a fan of the "sizing" part, fan of the store, just to be clear).


Don't get me wrong, the girl that helped me was extremely helpful and nice, and it really does help to have an accurate size in mind instead of wandering around trying to throw out your best guess. But.... I'm not exactly comfortable with people seeing me naked, half naked, or even in a low cut top (yeah, being a teenager was fun), so the fact that someone seen me without a shirt and had to "adjust me" to make sure everything was accurate was mortifying.

I know that in this day and age women are celebrating their bodies and all of this is nothing more than my own issue in my head, but I am not one of those girls and while I say kudos to the ones that are, and I'm happy for them.... GIVE ME MY SHIRT AND LOOK AWAY.

And while this is all my own personal issue and someday I might "overcome" it and be comfortable in my own skin.... I don't foresee that happening and now that one more person has seen me half naked I need to go drink until I forget it (which coincidentally is how a couple other people have seen me half naked).

With all of that being said, just know, the VS employee knew that I was extremely uncomfortable and tried her best to help the situation.

VS Employee: "Darlin.... you're really uncomfortable, aren't you?"
Me: "That obvious, huh?!"
VS Employee: "On a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable are you right now?!"
Me: "You see this tshirt?!" *VSE nods* "I would put two more on if I had them."
VSE: "Well, I just needs to adjust this a little bit more and then we'll have your 100% accurate size and it'll be over with."
ME: "The last time a girl stuck her hand this far down my shirt she got punched in the mouth."

*both of us ended up laughing (despite my discomfort), because I am nothing if not sarcastic and joke at inappropriate times*

Monday, October 16, 2017

ELEVEN (011) days until Stranger Things is back.

Stranger Things- the final trailer (S2).

If you're not too new around here (or, even if you are), you've probably become pretty accustomed to having me ramble on and on about shows that I'm either A: Obsessed with B: Might become obsessed with or C: That I can't pull myself away from.

When it comes to shows that I'm really into, I follow along whether they're currently in their respective seasons or going into/coming out of. We won't talk about my obsession that is was Sons of Anarchy and the fact that Netflix has made it even easier to cater to my tv addiction (but seriously, thanks y'all #noregrets).

Semi-recently I've binge-watched shows (not counting the shows that I switch hit watch/watch regularly) such as: Grace and Frankie (twice), Disjointed, The Ranch (twice), Santa Clarita Diet (twice), Fuller House (twice), GLOW, My Name is Earl, Vice Principals (S1), and Riverdale (S1).

But most importantly.... Stranger Things (S1 twice).


I talk about all of these shows on the regular (look at me, using slang like a grownup.... kind of) and get pretty excited at the prospect of getting more episodes.

The last few months have been a constant hawkeye watch for Stranger Things tidbits and with the S2 premiere closing in (10/27), things have gotten a little bit crazy (ie: "things" meaning all forms of my social media). I've been obsessed with this show since I accidentally binge-watched the first season and if you think you're better than me, you try watching this show and not loving these damn kids!!

And while I don't know if I'll get to watch/binge-watch the second season when it premieres, the fact that I'm excited about it has not dissipated.

It's so funny to think back on it, because when it first came out on Netflix, I remember people being extremely excited about it. Like, to the point of that's all you seen anywhere at all times. I had it on my queue to try at some point, but wasn't exactly in a "rush" to start it. In fact, Dani tagged be in about ten things before I finally consented one random Sunday and started the first episode.... and quickly finished the entire season that day.

Do I have any regrets about my tv addiction?! Eh, about as many as Mike does about bringing El home out of the rain.
*and if you don't know what that means, we can't be friends*

Saturday, October 14, 2017

When the phone guy cracks you the hell up.

Thursday evening, Momma, Aunt Poot, and I went and got our phones situated (our last ones have been out of commission for about seven or so months), and hilarity ensued.

The guy that worked at the Sprint store (I'm very sad that I can't recall his name) was working by himself and there was nothing short of a full man show going on. Not only was he on top of everything and got shit handled pretty quickly, but he also reduced Aunt Poot's bill and made us all laugh non-stop.

Do you ever just meet someone and you're immediately like "I need to be friends with this person" and y'all just start throwing crazy shit out there? That's what happened.


Among other things, we got to talking about piercings/tattoos and how some people actually get into things like that to try and explore and get in touch with their culture and ancestors (something that he has been easing into, as he recently found out that he is part West African). And how others do it and take it to the extreme just following a kind of "fad."

And once he and I got into talking about his background/culture, as he is also part Puerto Rican and Muslim, that's when hilarity started to ensue. You see, the reason I can't remember his name is because he has at least eight of them. Apparently in Hispanic culture it is custom for a man to receive not only his own two names, but also two surnames of his parents.

(Traditionally, a person's first surname is the father's first surname and the second is the mother's first surname.).

And then we had this conversation....
(side note: we're both around the same age)

Him: "Yeah, when I was seventeen I almost got deported when I went to get my license." Me: "Seriously?!" Him: "They didn't even know where they were going to send me, they were just gonna stick me in an internment camp until they figured it out." Me: "That's insane! I'm so glad that didn't happen to you. That would have been horrible!!" Him: "You're telling me, I'm from North Carolina." Me: ......... Him........

**and then we both busted out in a ridiculous fit of laughter**

Friday, October 13, 2017

An avid horror fan always celebrates Friday the 13th!!

It's that time of year again.... Autumn is upon us and with it being October it's time for the best of holidays HALLOWEEN. And yes, I'm a horror fan and movie watcher year round, but there is just something special about October. That's when all the best movies repeat on tv and everything is just a little bit spookier!!

There have been reports and confirmations that thanks to one of my main men- Danny McBride (and no, he doesn't know that he's one of my main men, but the man is busy and don't need to know evvvverythinggg.... just go with it)- and his frequent collaborating partner- David Gordon Green- will be rewriting/revamping one of the most popular and beloved horror classic franchises.... Halloween.

And yes, today is Friday the 13th and that is a direct reference to Jason Voorhees, but we're celebrating with Michael instead today, because it's October, dammit.

The story of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode has been around since long before my birth, which means that as a horror fan, it's always been one of my favorites and I watch it every year.... not just in October.


While I tend to ignore pieces of the franchise such as: Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers, and Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, there's no denying that I still watch and love them all.

Oh yeah, and I prefer to mostly ignore Halloween II (Rob Zombie's remake), except I like the roles of Annie and Sherriff Brackett and the majority of the regular movie.... but when they started with all that "ghost" blah shit, I checked out.

But no matter where you stand on the sequels, remakes, etc.... there's no denying that Laurie Strode (aka the original- Jamie Lee Curtis.... sorry Scout-Taylor Compton, you rocked, but you're not Jamie Lee Curtis) is ICONIC. There's a reason that her mother (Janet Leigh- the original victim of Norman Bates in the infamous shower scene!) held the title of Scream Queen until she showed up.... Jamie Lee Curtis is just AMAZING.

People have been trying to recapture the spirit of the original Halloween for decades and none of been able to replicate it.

And while many hated the Rob Zombie remake (my mother HATES it with a passion.... too long for her) and others loved it, I stay on the side of the fence that loves it, because it goes back into the origin of Michael doing what he did back when he was a kid (stabbing his own sister to death with a kitchen knife when he was six.... and dressed as a clown) and holds onto the original at the same time.

My favorite Halloween movie aside from the original is probably Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. Why? Because not only does it follow Laurie Strode all of these years later, still trying to cope with the trauma of her unknown boogeyman brother being a psycho and trying to kill her, but it shows the fact that she was willing to try anything (ie: faking your own death and becoming a principal at a private school in the woods) to escape her past.... but she never could. Not to mention, it has Josh Hartnett as her son, John, and I've loved him for years. So, win win.

With all of that being said, McBride and Green are teaming up with John Carpenter himself to take a stab at (*pun intended) trying to bring the franchise back to its beloved roots. Oh, and Jamie Lee Curtis is going to reprise her role of Laurie Strode. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

Fans of the franchise thought we had seen the last of Jamie's Laurie in 2002's Halloween: Resurrection when *spoiler alert* she gets stabbed in the back and falls off a psychiatric building where she had been a patient for three years after the events of Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, to her death. Now that we know she's coming back.... we're pretty damn excited! (And yes, I can speak for all of us).

I've been reading everything I can about the upcoming film (scheduled for release in 2018) and it keeps getting better with time. Apparently they're going to ignore the last forty years and treat this movie as a direct sequel of the 1978 original (they've done way stranger things than this in the followups). While I don't know exactly how this is going to work (and even though I know they won't I'm still hoping for Josh Hartnett to return as Laurie's later in life son), I have to say that I'm pretty excited about it.

And yes, I feel the need to embrace EVERYTHING about this time of year.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Stranger Things: Season Two and what the episode titles could mean. REVISED (because people are a pain in the ass).

I originally wrote a post back in August when they released the episode titles of Stranger Things (S2) and did an entire post speculating on what I thought was gonna go down in those episodes along with my theories and questions and such.... but now I have to kind of start over. And only "kind of" because I'm lazy and not starting from scratch.

First off, we're getting one additional episode compared to season one (season one was eight episodes long, season two will be nine). Can we all just agree that the more the better? Load us the f*ck up on these.

Episode One (Chapter Nine) Madmax: There's a few new characters coming into season two and one of them happens to be a girl about the same age as the boys.... and her name is Max. Could this be an introduction into her character specifically? Or, could this episode try to set her up so we have instant love for her like we did with the boys and El back in season one? Also, this character apparently has a brother around the same age as Nancy/Jonathan/Steve.... so hopefully he and Steve can "bro out" and Nancy can get back to what's important.... JONATHAN. So far, the title of this episode hasn't changed.... that we know of.

Episode Two (Chapter Ten) The Boy Who Came Back To Life: Trick or Treat Freak: This has to be a "Will centric" episode.... right?! I mean, he is "the boy who came back to life" in season one and that has to freak some people in that little podunk town out. They all attended his funeral and tried to convince his mother that she was crazy when she was the only one (aside from the boys) that believed that Will was still alive. There has to be some repercussions from that. The entire town already thought Joyce was crazy, Jonathan was creepy, and Will was strange.... have things changed for the Byers?! Who's the "freak" in this scenario? They could very well be referring to any of our favorites, but for some reason.... I'm leaning towards Will. Why I don't know, but I am. Like, maybe he'll freak the hell out and have one of his "spells" (you know, like his last scene in season one) and goes off effectively earning the title of the "crazy Byers boy" (a title previously held by the long running champ- his brother, Jonathan). Then again, they could be referring to El.... or any of the new players in the game. The truth is, unfortunately most of our beloved characters get the short end of the stick more often than not, and people are the exact opposite of kind and understanding, so there are endless possibilities here.


Episode Three (Chapter Eleven) The Pumpkin Patch: The Pollywog: I would like to be all "theory crazy" and come up with something crazy for this episode, but it could be that the kids literally just go to a pumpkin patch (it is set around Halloween almost a year after season one's events) and some shit goes down, because shit always goes down wherever those boys go. From the previews it's clear that our favorite group since the Goonies are going as the Ghostbusters, but what exactly is catching Dustin's eye while they're going into the school? Something that could reappear or come forth in a pumpkin patch perhaps?! When I think of a Pollywog I think of Binyah Binyah the Pollywog from Gullah Gullah Island.... but I doubt that's what this is meaning. Since a Pollywog is technically a tadpole, is it referring to a creature (maybe the slugs Will is puking up?) or could it be referring to our little runt of the group? Is it a rebirthing of sorts or is it a reference to our little ones growing into more serious players? Can they get more serious than they did in season one?! Is there going to be a cute little Pollywog creature that the boys find? OR is there going to be some sort of weird frog/hybrid monster?!

NOTE: I feel like this might be the episode that Eleven makes her re-emergence, because even though it's episode three of the second season, if you put season one and two together, it is technically chapter ELEVEN.

Episode Four (Chapter Twelve) The Palace: Will the Wise: This sounds fairly important. A big theme of season one was Dungeons&Dragons and while I have never played that game, I'm assuming that there's some kind of castle/home base for the characters? It just seems to fit that you would have a castle/palace of some sorts since they have dungeons and dragons, right? If not, where in the hell is the dungeon?! Then again, this could be a location in the UpsideDown. Could the boys travel there to try and help their friends (Will/El) and run to the palace for refuge.... OR could this be a place that the boys run into where the demogorgon/new baddie reside?! Then again, could this be an entirely different/yet to be introduced realm?! This has to be a "Will centric" episode.... right?! Originally I thought the "Will centric" episode was going to be Chapter Two, but since the name change, I'm thinking maybe it's this one? I mean, he is "the boy who came back to life" in season one and that has to freak some people in that little podunk town out. They all attended his funeral and tried to convince his mother that she was crazy when she was the only one (aside from the boys) that believed that Will was still alive. There has to be some repercussions from that. The entire town already thought Joyce was crazy, Jonathan was creepy, and Will was strange.... have things changed for the Byers?! Does the play on "Will the Wise" have something to do with Dungeons&Dragons?!

Episode Five (Chapter Thirteen) The Storm: Dig Dug: I looked into this a little bit to see if 1984 (the year season two is set) was a crazy storm year and apparently, YES IT WAS. Apparently there was a hurricane via the Atlantic and it was said to be pretty rough and beat up the US pretty badly. So.... are we thinking that our boys will be getting out into this storm and getting trapped in the worst of it? Or.... could this have absolutely nothing to do with the 1984 storms and the Duffer Brothers are just trying to throw us off with a play on words? "The Storm" could mean what's happening within one (or more) of our characters. Dig Dug what?! Are we digging something up? Does this refer to "digging up the truth" or some kind of pun like that? Does it involve Eleven? Oh.... could it be the boys "dig up" information about El and they all go to find her and bring her home?! Or do they start "digging" for something and find it hence the past tense of dug? I need answers right f*cking now.

Episode Six (Chapter Fourteen) The Pollywog: The Spy: When I think of a Pollywog I think of Binyah Binyah the Pollywog from Gullah Gullah Island.... but I doubt that's what this is meaning. Since a Pollywog is technically a tadpole, is it referring to a creature (maybe the slugs Will is puking up?) or could it be referring to our little runt of the group? Is it a rebirthing of sorts or is it a reference to our little ones growing into more serious players? Can they get more serious than they did in season one?! Is there going to be a cute little Pollywog creature that the boys find? OR is there going to be some sort of weird frog/hybrid monster?! Who's the spy? Is Hopper the spy? Is someone spying on our people? Are the boys in even more danger with a spy in the mix? Can they even really be in more danger in the first place? Is it that new little girl that's getting thrown into the mix? Her brother? Mikey Sean Astin's new character? WHO CAN WE TRUST AT THIS POINT?!

Episode Seven (Chapter Fifteen) The Secret Cabin: Who's it a secret to? That should be the first question. Afterall, finding out that there's a secret place in Hawkins isn't that far of a stretch. Is it where Eleven is hiding? She's had to be somewhere for the past year and what better place to be hiding out then a place that people don't know exists? Then again, chances are if she's not been locked up or in the Upside Down since she destroyed the Demogorgon and just chilling in a cabin, she would've at least come out to find Mike. Unless she was too scared. Or is this where some freaky experiments will go down? So far, the title of this episode hasn't changed.... that we know of.

Episode Eight (Chapter Sixteen) The Brain: This either has to refer to Eleven because of her telepathy skills, or it has to refer to the "brains" of the group, right?! Speaking of which, who is the brains of the group? It can't refer to Nancy, because at the end of season one she very clearly chose Steve over Jonathan and we all know that doesn't constitute being the "brains" of any operation. Could this be a reference to the entire US Department of Energy and all of it's shady dealings? Or, could this be a reference to Hopper since he's most likely going to be looking into things over the last year? So far, the title of this episode hasn't changed.... that we know of.

Episode Nine (Chapter Seventeen) The Lost Brother: Who's brother? Nancy's brother (Mike)? Eleven's brother (there are more kids like her)? Maybe the new girl's brother (who looks shady as hell)? Jonathan's brother (Will) again? Or, *gulp* maybe Will's brother (Jonathan)? They all could be likely or even a completely new character within itself since there are bound to be a whole other world of characters waiting to come out and play. So far, the title of this episode hasn't changed.... that we know of.

See y'all October 27, 2017. Maybe I'll have access to Netflix and the luxury of being locked in our own house without the fear of being judged by others (you know.... other than Momma and Tayder.... they've accepted this about me long ago) for my binge-watching capabilities. (Here's hoping).

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

I've been really into "throwbacks" lately.

Yes, I'm posting about Throwback Thursday on a Tuesday (because I do what I want!).

I'm assuming that at this point, everybody is familiar with the term "Throwback Thursday." And I say that, because even though it's 2017, I am still stuck somewhere between 1997 and 2003.... and even I know what it is.

And if I'm "up" on the term, everybody else should be too, because to say I'm a late bloomer would be the understatement of this century. These damn kids and their slang terms. (Slang? Slang terms?)


Most people participate in this little social media trend, because nothing is more fun than digging up the oldies and the goodies.

That girl on Instagram posting too many workout pics that make you feel like a failure? Find a pic of her when she had bangs and braces. Girl (or guy, I'm not a hater!) on FB posting about how glamourous her life is and how much better than all of you she is?! Find and post a pic of that bitch from sixth grade. BECAUSE NONE OF US LOOKED GOOD IN SIXTH GRADE.

Of course, there are a million reasons to post "throwbacks" that have nothing to do with being a d*ck to someone.

Most of those reasons are the photos are funny and it usually spikes a debate on who had the worst hair (in my group of friends that answer is always me) and gets y'all talking and sharing memories. I'm not of the belief that you should live in the past, but sometimes, it is nice to take a little stroll down memory lane.

And to share embarrassing pictures that are so hilarious that they induce tears.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Ten years of McLovin.... if you don't know who that is, we can't be friends.

Back in August the tenth anniversary of the release of the movie Superbad happened. I meant to mention it back then (I mentioned it on Instagram/FB, so that counts, right?), but I forgot and a bunch of things happened and now here I am almost two month later showing up late to class.

You win some, you lose some.

In 2007 I was seventeen years old (#babyface) and living in Florida. I had a boyfriend (I guess he is counted as my highschool sweetheart?) and a few close friends.... and to say that we watched alot of movies, would be an understatement.

While my friend Noodle and I are extreme movie buffs, our boyfriends only watched, because we wanted to and it was Florida.... it's always f*cking hot as hell down there and you tend to want to stay in alot (if you're us).


I've never been one to go to the theatre a whole lot, but have hit it from time to time when it's something that I really want to see (and a couple of times on dates).

With all of that being said, when something about a movie that I love comes up, I feel the need to celebrate it. And this time around is no different. You see, I went with said boyfriend at the time, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend to the theatre to see Superbad.... and whether or not we were inebriated and snuck cheeseburgers and sweet tea in is besides the point. And I laughed at that movie so hard I nearly pissed my pants.

And if you think about it, Superbad is more important than you think.

Without Superbad, the world might not know the lovable cuteness of Emma Stone. That's right, her "big break" started right here.... in a movie with no less than fifteen d*ck jokes. Do I think Emma Stone would have still broken through to become an actress? Yes. Do I think everyone would know how hilarious she is without it? Who knows.

Without Superbad, we might not have the genius that is Jonah Hill playing Donnie Azoff in The Wolf of Wall Street. And if you haven't seen that movie, go watch it right f*cking now, because it is hilarious (but totally inappropriate, so don't watch it around people you're not 100% comfortable with).

And if you've seen either of the Jump Street movies (21 & 22), and loved the pain in the ass/completely sarcastic team of Jonah Hill and Dave Franco, you can thank Superbad. Yeah, that's right, Dave Franco played in Superbad (albeit a small role) as a kid named Greg that played soccer and pissed his pants years before.

Without it, where the hell would we have gotten the phrase: "I AM MCLOVIN...."? And if you've never said that, I don't think we can be friends.

Do you like Michael Cera? Well, without Superbad he may never have gotten the opportunity to play literally the exact same character in every single movie for over a decade. So, you're welcome.

This movie is so badass that the cast are besties even a decade later (Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, Emma Stone and Martha MacIsaac, Emma Stone and Jonah Hill, etc.). And they all just randomly keep making movies together and IT IS GREAT.

It's been a decade and this movie still cracks me up because I have a filthy mind and find d*ck jokes funny every single time I watch it. Not to mention, I still quote it on a semi-regular basis (stop judging me).

So, on this day almost two months late we celebrate the catastrophe that is Superbad. Blow J's for everybody!! (And you'll only find that funny if you've seen the movie).

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Thank you for being a friend.

Do you have any friends that have been in your life so long you don't even remember when you met or why you became friends in the first place? That's how I feel about a couple of my friends. Including my friend.... Cody.

Or, JB as I refer to him (and he answers to).

He's my friend, Rachel's, little brother and he's just as good a friend to me as he is a brother to her. He's such a good friend of mine that I even took him to my Senior prom (because Rachel forbade it and we do what we want).

Hilariously enough, we didn't even take a picture together before/during/after prom, BUT I took a picture of him and his future wife (they weren't together then, but they're married now!), who also happens to be an old friend of mine, so we basically did everything right and now it just adds to the list of our inside jokes.


Speaking of inside jokes, he's privy to quite a few of mine.... and in fact, even knows what "it's just too late for all that" means (and won't tell). Every time we talk, one of us HAS to bring that up and it's usually HIM. And to say that we've been through alot together would be the most vast understatement of the century.

I don't remember the exact moment that JB and I became friends, but I'm sure it was somewhere around the fourth candybar that we shared (because Twix are delicious) while watching the Evil Dead/Wishmaster for the hundredth time. He always understands my Bruce Campbell references and can usually finish my sentences. (And we totally rock out to Guns 'n Roses).

I'm sure if we thought about our friendship long enough we could probably pretty accurately compare it to that movie Stand By Me (without that whole dead body/leeches thing).... or at the very least, Fried Green Tomatoes (you know, aside from that whole getting hit by a train thing).

No matter the situation, he always has my back (and I, his).

For all of the amazing qualities that make you one of my very favorite people, I say, thank you, JB.

Thank you for sticking up for me and telling that boy he was an idiot when he made me cry. Thank you for carrying me up that giant hill, because there was no way that I could have walked up it myself at the time.... and for making it all the way up that hill with solid perfection and then dropping me on a coffee table, because that is one of my very favorite stories to tell. Thank you for always telling me that my hair looked good, even though we both knew you were lying and for finding the perfect girl to marry and have babies with and giving me partial credit for it (I love you, guys!). For constantly bringing up old mishaps when somebody gets a little mouthy with me ("nooo..... it's just too late for all that!!").

And finally, thank you for being one of my very dearest friends. For making me laugh uncontrollably, listening to my constant rambling, and just loving me for being me. You're the best, JB. They don't make em like you anymore.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

We're going to be moving.... again.

Almost five years ago I made a dramatic move (dramatic physically and emotionally, because hello I'm a girl and that's what we do) and left my childhood hometown (in the boondocks) to move Momma back to her home state. Things we're crazy and hectic and life seemed all over the place.

We lived with two of my uncles for about two years and then she and I got ourselves our apartment.... and only lived there for about a year. We were about six months into living in our apartment when my brother decided to flip his life upside down and move back in with us, so that in turn flipped our lives upside down (and yes, I sang that in the Fresh Prince's voice).

After finishing the lease out in our two-bedroom apartment we moved into a three-bedroom house. And we've been there for almost two years (our lease is up the beginning of October). But, now here we are, fixing to move.... again?


Why are we moving?

Well, when we moved into this house I made the comment that I wasn't moving again until I died, because I'm tired of it, it's hard, and I'm getting too old to be lugging boxes everywhere (no, I'm not old, but I'm dramatic). But.... I didn't realize that the house was going to start falling in on us and that our landlords would do NOTHING about it. Seriously, that's what happening. We call and report the things that are wrong with the house and they NEVER get back to us about any of it. And we've called MULTIPLE times.

Not long after we moved in (three to four months, maybe?) our furnace went out and I had to call and cuss and pretty much threaten to call the authorities, because they didn't want to fix it. They just wanted us to live with no heat.... and it was -6 degrees outside (29 degrees in the house). Do you know how pissed off it made me to have to threaten to call the authorities? I ain't ever called cops in my entire life and these bitches almost made me start.

Some of the other things going on with the house? Well, where would you like me to start?

Underneath the kitchen sink is going to have to be completely replaced, because every single pipe leaks and the sink itself is coming loose. The baseboards in our kitchen leak and when it rains/snows/etc we end up with standing water across the kitchen (I got up early the other morning and went into the kitchen and had to pull out my Risky Business moves, because I went sliding). The ceiling in our kitchen is coming, down, because of a major roof leak.... and so is the ceiling in the laundry room.... and the one in our bathroom. Speaking of the jacked up roof, shingles fly off with even the slightest whisper of wind. The steps on the front porch are not attached (at all). The bathroom sink is detaching from the wall. The caulk/molding in the shower is mostly gone. The toilet won't flush (and it's not a being clogged up problem) and the septic backs up into the front yard. Is that everything? No. Is that more than enough? It's too much.

So now, here we are. Playing the waiting game.

Unfortunately, there have been a lot of hiccups surrounding this entire thing, and we thought that we were just going to have to stay in the house we were in until we could find something better (and pay the ridiculous amount of money they wanted for a "month to month" lease instead of a "year long" lease).... but then one day, my Aunt Mary came to the house and insisted that we stay with her and my uncle for a couple of weeks, so we wouldn't have to live in the cruddy house and pay gobs and gobs of money to them. I was leary of it, because I hate asking people for help, (and I swore I'd never live with more family again) but she pretty much insisted and informed me that I didn't ask, it was her idea (because every woman in my family answers things the exact same way.... with sarcasm!) and now we're out of that house and staying with them (for just a few weeks) while we look at available houses.

And the moving process? Let's just say it was a long weekend.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Because it's just too good not to share.

I've We've talked about my ongoing battle with my hair a time or two.... right?! I always say that I'm going to grow it long and when it's long I hate it and want it short, but then I cut it short I hate it and want it to grow and.... do you see where I'm going with this? Do you see that I'm never satisfied with my hair? (Except one time when I was like, eighteen and had my favorite hairstyle that I've ever had.... another story for another day).

It's an ongoing battle that I've been fighting my entire life.... ever since my arch nemesis cut off one of my pigtails (yes, just one, and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). And honestly I can trace it back to that exact moment (and the little asshole that did it), but it only got increasingly worse as I got older and always toed the line between Wtf and #JeffFoxworthyHairDontCare. And while it's long now and I like the way it looks when I put effort into it, the truth is, I don't put effort in nearly enough (because eff that) and I end up with it piled on top of my head.

And that opens the door for a myriad of things including, but not limited to: headaches, pain, agony, and defeat (not to be dramatic or anything). Plus, I sometimes get my hair shut in my car door.... more often than I care to admit. And while it's curly and has a mind of it's own, I think I would miss it if I was to cut it short. Why?!

Well, I have a tendency to live more in my imagination then I do in actual reality, and I "feel" like I should have long hair. You know, because in all of the legendary love stories/books and movies that I insist on reading/watching, you never hear of the "long lost love" or "woman of the dreams" or "heroine of her own destiny" having short hair. You just don't. The only one that I can think of off the top of my head is Maggie Greene-Rhee and let's be honest, she's such a badass that you can't argue with her.

And while my sensibility tells me that's ridiculous and my inner "warrior woman" says that's foolish, I can't seem to compute that to my actual brain. I always think of cutting my hair and end up at, "what if?!" I know that shouldn't bother me, but it does. And if you think I'm as crazy as what I do, I get it, but just know.... EXPLAIN IT TO MY BRAIN AND MAKE IT UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IT'S A JERK (and that's probably why that makes up at least 87% of my personality).

Also, doesn't society.... and your family/friends kind of make you feel like if you're female you should have long hair?!

I say all of this, because I don't know how to not ramble feel the need to tell you that when you have a lifetime full of "hair woes" you're bound to have some real "gems" hidden away in old pictures. (And so do your family and friends). And when I run across a really good one.... I have to share. So, without further ado, I give to you.... Katie and Amanda (and our friend from back in the day- Devo) at ten.... eleven? (twelve?). Something like that. We are truly the epitome of 90s kids.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

There are numerous advantages to being 53.... just ask any 83 year old.

Today is my Momma's 53rd (but if anybody asks, 25th) birthday. I'm so happy that I get to see her on this day and every day, because a couple of months ago I didn't know if I was ever going to get to celebrate another birthday with her. She's come a long way and her strength and perseverance is something that I marvel at daily. She truly is one of the strongest people that I have ever known and I'm very proud to call myself her daughter. 

While she always insists that no one make a "big deal" when it comes to her birthday, I make it a point to let her know how special she is to me every day. And whether she likes it or not, people want to celebrate this day with her (and all the other days, as well), because she really is just that great of a person.

Here's to you, Momma. It's your party.... and you can cry drink nap party do what you want to. I love you.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Sixteen years later (and still so many questions).

Sixteen years ago today were the infamous September 11th attacks. It's hard to look back at something like this, but it also seems that sometimes people don't remember. They remember what September 11th is, but if you were to look at how divided of a country we are right now, it would almost seem like they don't remember it all too well.

I remember that day. I was only eleven years old and the memory is still so vivid in my mind. As a country we were all scared, hurt.... and angry. Here we are sixteen years later and it seems as though we haven't ever fully recovered from it. Not only does the wound still feel fresh, but to look at the divide of our country, we all seem to be sharing those same feelings. 

Scared, hurt.... and angry. And the only ones that can change any of this is us. Our nation. We're the only ones that can do anything about any of this, and yet, we don't seem to want to start. To say that we haven't healed fully would be an understatement. So, we'll do what it is that we must do together and that is to try and do better. Because that's all there is to do.

Try to do better.... and so we shall.


September 11, 2001: 

Good evening. 

Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. The victims were in airplanes or in their offices: secretaries, business men and women, military and federal workers, moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror. The pictures of airplanes flying into buildings, fires burning, huge -- huge structures collapsing have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness, and a quiet, unyielding anger. These acts of mass murder were intended to frighten our nation into chaos and retreat. But they have failed. Our country is strong.

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining. Today, our nation saw evil -- the very worst of human nature -- and we responded with the best of America. With the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could.


Immediately following the first attack, I implemented our government's emergency response plans. Our military is powerful, and it's prepared. Our emergency teams are working in New York City and Washington D.C. to help with local rescue efforts. Our first priority is to get help to those who have been injured, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the world from further attacks. The functions of our government continue without interruption. Federal agencies in Washington which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight and will be open for business tomorrow. Our financial institutions remain strong, and the American economy will be open for business as well.

The search is underway for those who were behind these evil acts. I have directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them. 

I appreciate so very much the members of Congress who have joined me in strongly condemning these attacks. And on behalf of the American people, I thank the many world leaders who have called to offer their condolences and assistance. America and our friends and allies join with all those who want peace and security in the world, and we stand together to win the war against terrorism.

Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23:
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me"
This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America.
-George W. Bush, following the attacks on our country

Friday, September 1, 2017

And nineteen years later we'll all meet up at the Platform.

Most people that know me know that I am an avid Harry Potter fan. Well.... I'm mostly a Ron Weasley fan, but for the sake of argument, we'll go with Harry Potter.

The fact that my generation of Harry Potter lovers have the best nickname ever is just an added bonus. What do they call us?! Well.... Potterheads.... of course.

I talk about it as often as possible and some of my very favorite memories are associated with the world that JK Rowling was kind enough to share with the rest of us.


Fun fact: Did you know studies have shown that fans of Harry Potter tend to be more politically tolerant, politically active, open to diversity, and less authoritarian?! If not, you do now.

And today is a special day for Harry Potter fans like me. You see, on this day- September 1, 2017- Albus Severus Potter, Rose Granger-Weasley, and Scorpius Malfoy all gathered on Platform 9 3/4 and headed off to Hogwarts for the very first time.

To celebrate that fact, we're off to start a three day weekend (after I leave today I won't officially have to be back at work for 3 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes, and 34 seconds).... ok, the reason for that might actually be Labor Day weekend, but we're going to pretend that it's in celebration of the Golden Trio's kids heading off to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

2017 films. (Part II).

Back in April I did a little recap of all the movies that I had watched from January-April. And now, here we are in August and it's time to do it again (because I said so.). And while this all started, because I wanted to let people which movies I recommended in 2016, now I just enjoy it and want it to keep rolling.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!

I think not. Also, remember when I said I would tag onto this post if I watched anymore movies in April after my post was published? Well, I know this is going to be shocking (no, it's not), but I totally did. With that being said, I give to you "The films of my 2017.... so far. (Part II).


Tagging onto the end of April: Creature Lake, Lake Eerie.

May's films: Dollface, Live Free or Die Hard, Spectre.

My favorite: I didn't watch too many new ones this month (I know, it's almost like I was sick or something.... I was preoccupied by The League), I'm going to go with Live Free or Die Hard. I mean, Spectre was good (I love James Bond/Daniel Craig movies), but you just can't go wrong if you go with Bruce Willis. Least favorite of the month: Even though I liked it, I'm going with Dollface. It was one of those tacky B+ horror movies that's just a guilty pleasure, but it doesn't beat Bruce.

May's rewatched from years gone by: Red, Red 2, Malibu's Most Wanted, The Mummy (1999).

June's films: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, Fist Fight, The Bye Bye Man, John Wick 2, Power Rangers (2017).

My favorite: Hands down, Fist Fight.... I loved this movie so much that after I rented it from Redbox I actually went out and bought it on DVD. Between Charlie Day and Ice Cube I was cracking the hell up. And that daddy/daughter talent show rap? HILARIOUS. Least favorite of the month: I hate to say it, but maybe John Wick 2? The only reason I say this is, because I was half asleep while watching it so I don't remember a whole lot of it. That's what I get for drinking an entire fifth of whiskey and eating a bag of smarties by myself. I'll definitely have to rewatch and reevaluate.

June's rewatched from years gone by: Now You See Me 2 (I will never get tired of Lizzy Caplan hitting on Dave Franco), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

July's films: Inferno, Masterminds, The Fate of the Furious.

My favorite: This was kind of a hard one to pick, because they were all pretty damn good.... I'm gonna go with Masterminds, because Zach Galifianakis calling Kristen Wiig "Sugarbush" as her nickname is probably my new favorite nicknames ever. Least favorite of the month: I'm gonna go with The Fate of the Furious.... not because it was bad or anything (it was actually pretty good), but because it's just not the same without Paul Walker.

July's rewatched from years gone by: Taking Lives, White Chicks, Daybreakers (apparently I was just in an Ethan Hawke kind of mood this month?), The Fifth Element, Fist Fight (yes, I watched it again in July #NoRegrets), Cold Mountain.

August's films: Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, Mine Games, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.

My favorite: While I liked all of the new ones that I watched this go around (yes, even the Netflix find Mine Games that's psychologically appealing and the cheesy Syfy extravaganza Sharknado 5), my absolute favorite has to go to King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. I don't know what all of those critics (ie haters) were bitching about, it's a shit ton of fun and Charlie Hunnam plays a sarcastic asshole so perfectly.... watch it! Least favorite of the month: I guess I'm going to have to go with.... Sharknado 5: Global Swarming? I mean, you can't really expect to watch any of these movies and take them seriously (that's the whole point!), and I will watch (and probably love) all of the ones that they bring out, but it doesn't beat the other two.

August's rewatched from years gone by: Scooby Doo, Spy, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II.

Documentaries watched: 9/11: Stories in Fragments, GLOW: The Story of The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, Giants: The Dwarfs of Auschwitz, Treblinka: Hitler's Killing Machine.

Tv series I've finished: Grace and Frankie (twice), The League, The Ranch, GLOW, Riverdale, My Name is Earl, Disjointed. Tv series still on my queue: Burn Notice, Dexter, The Following, The Walking Dead, Baby Daddy, New Girl.

Stand-up watched: Rodney Carrington: Laughter's Good, Kevin Hart: What Now? (again), Monique: I Coulda Been Your Cellmate, Dave Chappelle: Netflix Special, Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy, Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills, Iliza Shlesinger: War Paint, Iliza Shlesinger: Freezing Hot, Ralphie May: Imperfectly Yours, Ralphie May: Unruly.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Rearranging our office. (And now people can stay away from us).

Most of the people that know me know that I have personal space issues. Not in the sense that I invade other people's personal space, because I don't know boundaries, but in the sense that I can't stand for many people to be in mine.

And it's not like that with everyone. If I know you very well and love you then you're more than welcome into my personal space.... mostly sometimes. I try not to be a giant pain in the ass with it, but sometimes, you just can't let shit go.

For the past (almost) five years, Danielle and I have shared quite a bit of our personal space (and she's just as bad at it as I am, if not worse) while at work. Our desks were right next to each other, scooched up against the back wall of our office. If you need a little guide to know how close we had to spend about nine hours a day/5 days a week together then just know, we shared a power surger. And not the extension cord kind.


And it was like this, because we had no space. And I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean that literally.... WE HAD ZERO SPACE. Our entire office was filled with two desks and enough file cabinets to drive a gal insane. This is how little space we had.... we had to store files on our "deck" that was basically falling down and we risked our lives every single day that we attempted to go out there.

Everything was dirty and disgusting.... and cluttered.

But ever since we had an additional room added onto our office to replace the janky deck (remember?) we've been slowly trying to pull things together and set up a system to make things more efficient (we were basically just "winging it" until then). FINALLY the additional room was complete and half ass pulled together, but we were still cluttered in our office.

You see, no matter how many good intentions that we had, the fact that our company has been busier this year than it has been in years (yay!) has made it incredibly difficult to complete (or even start) certain tasks. We usually don't stop working from the time we show up until the time we leave and there's always a stack of shit to pick up with the next day. So, we've kind of just been dealing with it.

Until today.

And today Danielle decided (technically she decided this on Tuesday?) that we were going to make the time to rearrange our office since we FINALLY have the room for it. Further down the road they're wanting to repaint and put some new flooring down, but that's still awhile off, because SO. DAMN. BUSY. So, we decided we might as well get everything moved around to see if it would work and how we would like it.

Sidenote: watching her and I try to move two bigass fireproof/bombproof/judgement day proof file cabinets was hilarious. We yanked and pulled and pushed with all of our might and.... nothing. Forreal, those things wouldn't budge. But no worries.... we never admit defeat! I mean, we might be defeated, but we'll never admit it.

Guess what?! We LOVE it. And I'm not one that drops the "L" word at every whipstitch. It really is just that much better and instead of being so close together that we're almost sharing a chair, now we're.... ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM. And we're both pretty damn happy about it. I mean, I love her, but COME ON.... we needed space. And now we have it and our office is more open for other activities.... let the Nerf wars begin.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Solar Eclipse 2017.

Bitches are going crazy over this whole "Historic Solar Eclipse" thing.

I get it. Solar Eclipses are fairly rare and this kind (coast to coast) won't be making the rounds again for another 99 years. But as soon as I heard that do you know what I thought?! I thought, "oh thank God, I'll be dead for the next one." Because that is literally how crazy bitches are getting this time around.

People are taking the day off of work, some schools are closing, and honestly people are debating on whether or not this could possibly be judgement day? I'm not really sure what those people are on, but they are very upset about it and forming protests.


And then you have Danielle and I that had to come to work (because our boss would've laughed if we would've said we were taking off for the eclipse) and we have to sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and have ridiculous conversations like this one:

Danielle: "I'll just use this envelope box to make an Eclipse box since I don't have a cereal box."
Me: "Will that still work?"
Danielle: "Uh yeah, I don't think it's contingent upon the kind of cereal, Kate."
Me: "Not even what I meant, asshole."

The majority of people are very excited and saying things on social media like: "just got my pair of Eclipse glasses" and "can't wait to share this with the kiddos."

And then you have the other type of people (aka my FB friends) that have taken an entirely different turn and are saying things like: "Seriously, I'm so sick of hearing about this eclipse. Yes, it's a once in a lifetime event, but so was yesterday!" and "Remember, the best way to watch the eclipse is with two large magnifying glasses held about eleven inches from your eyes."

Because my friends are bitches and I love them for it.

And in case you want to take part in this event just know that you can google "solar eclipse 2017" with your town/state and it will give you the exact time that it will be in "full effect" where you're at.

Ours is apparently right at 2:24 pm. And in case you're wondering, yes, you will have the overwhelming need to look behind you and stare right into the sun, BUT DON'T BECAUSE YOU WILL GO BLIND.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Stranger Things: Season Two and what the episode titles could mean.

First off, we're getting one additional episode compared to season one (season one was eight episodes long, season two will be nine). Can we all just agree that the more the better? Load us the f*ck up on these.

Episode One (Chapter Nine) Madmax: There's a few new characters coming into season two and one of them happens to be a girl about the same age as the boys.... and her name is Max. Could this be an introduction into her character specifically? Or, could this episode try to set her up so we have instant love for her like we did with the boys and El back in season one? Also, this character apparently has a brother around the same age as Nancy/Jonathan/Steve.... so hopefully he and Steve can "bro out" and Nancy can get back to what's important.... JONATHAN.

Episode Two (Chapter Ten) The Boy Who Came Back To Life: This has to be a "Will centric" episode.... right?! I mean, he is "the boy who came back to life" in season one and that has to freak some people in that little podunk town out. They all attended his funeral and tried to convince his mother that she was crazy when she was the only one (aside from the boys) that believed that Will was still alive. There has to be some repercussions from that. The entire town already thought Joyce was crazy, Jonathan was creepy, and Will was strange.... have things changed for the Byers?!


Episode Three (Chapter Eleven) The Pumpkin Patch: I would like to be all "theory crazy" and come up with something crazy for this episode, but it could be that the kids literally just go to a pumpkin patch (it is set around Halloween almost a year after season one's events) and some shit goes down, because shit always goes down wherever those boys go. From the previews it's clear that our favorite group since the Goonies are going as the Ghostbusters, but what exactly is catching Dustin's eye while they're going into the school? Something that could reappear or come forth in a pumpkin patch perhaps?!

NOTE: I feel like this might be the episode that Eleven makes her re-emergence, because even though it's episode three of the second season, if you put season one and two together, it is technically chapter ELEVEN.

Episode Four (Chapter Twelve) The Palace: This sounds fairly important. A big theme of season one was Dungeons&Dragons and while I have never played that game, I'm assuming that there's some kind of castle/home base for the characters? It just seems to fit that you would have a castle/palace of some sorts since they have dungeons and dragons, right? If not, where in the hell is the dungeon?! Then again, this could be a location in the UpsideDown. Could the boys travel there to try and help their friends (Will/El) and run to the palace for refuge.... OR could this be a place that the boys run into where the demogorgon/new baddie reside?! Then again, could this be an entirely different/yet to be introduced realm?!

Episode Five (Chapter Thirteen) The Storm: I looked into this a little bit to see if 1984 (the year season two is set) was a crazy storm year and apparently, YES IT WAS. Apparently there was a hurricane via the Atlantic and it was said to be pretty rough and beat up the US pretty badly. So.... are we thinking that our boys will be getting out into this storm and getting trapped in the worst of it? Or.... could this have absolutely nothing to do with the 1984 storms and the Duffer Brothers are just trying to throw us off with a play on words? "The Storm" could mean what's happening within one (or more) of our characters.

Episode Six (Chapter Fourteen) The Pollywog: When I think of a Pollywog I think of Binyah Binyah the Pollywog from Gullah Gullah Island.... but I doubt that's what this is meaning. Since a Pollywog is technically a tadpole, is it referring to a creature (maybe the slugs Will is puking up?) or could it be referring to our little runt of the group? Is it a rebirthing of sorts or is it a reference to our little ones growing into more serious players? Can they get more serious than they did in season one?! Is there going to be a cute little Pollywog creature that the boys find? OR is there going to be some sort of weird frog/hybrid monster?!

Episode Seven (Chapter Fifteen) The Secret Cabin: Who's it a secret to? That should be the first question. Afterall, finding out that there's a secret place in Hawkins isn't that far of a stretch. Is it where Eleven is hiding? She's had to be somewhere for the past year and what better place to be hiding out then a place that people don't know exists? Then again, chances are if she's not been locked up or in the Upside Down since she destroyed the Demogorgon and just chilling in a cabin, she would've at least come out to find Mike. Unless she was too scared. Or is this where some freaky experiments will go down?

Episode Eight (Chapter Sixteen) The Brain: This either has to refer to Eleven because of her telepathy skills, or it has to refer to the "brains" of the group, right?! Speaking of which, who is the brains of the group? It can't refer to Nancy, because at the end of season one she very clearly chose Steve over Jonathan and we all know that doesn't constitute being the "brains" of any operation. Could this be a reference to the entire US Department of Energy and all of it's shady dealings? Or, could this be a reference to Hopper since he's most likely going to be looking into things over the last year?

Episode Nine (Chapter Seventeen) The Lost Brother: Who's brother? Nancy's brother (Mike)? Eleven's brother (there are more kids like her)? Maybe the new girl's brother (who looks shady as hell)? Jonathan's brother (Will) again? Or, *gulp* maybe Will's brother (Jonathan)? They all could be likely or even a completely new character within itself since there are bound to be a whole other world of characters waiting to come out and play.

See y'all October 27, 2017.

Friday, August 11, 2017

My brother is about to be a dad. (Part III).

Actually, my brother has been a dad (and I've been an aunt, I guess?) for almost six months now, but I started out with this whole "my brother is ABOUT to be a dad" posting and now there's no turning back for me.

Catch up on Part I here and Part II here.

All caught up now?! Good.... because I have some complaining things I would like to talk about when it comes to this whole "having a nephew" thing. And I know people are usually very excited about this whole "having a baby around" thing, but I'm a horrible person and just don't care for it at all.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like this particular baby or don't love him or anything, but.... how do I explain this without sounding like even more of a dick than I already do? I thought having a baby around would be.... more fun, I guess?!

Actually I don't even really know what I mean, because it's hard to explain. Let me start over.... my brother sends me around the clock pictures/videos/facetime calls with Gabby front and center. I mean, I get it, he's proud of his kid and all.

But.... I don't think I need to see EVERYTHING that he does. Why? Because he doesn't really do anything. Afterall, he IS a baby (he'll be six months old on the first of next month) and at this point he only knows like three tricks. Yes, I know he's not a dog, BUT aren't babies supposed to be just a more fragile version of a puppy?!

No?! Oomph, I didn't see that one coming.
Is thinking your nephew is cute NOT enough?!!

The point is, my brother sends me constant videos of Gabby.... and he's always doing the same thing (staring into the video and on occasion making a random burp sound). And then he sends me pictures of every little detail of his life.... and he's always doing the same thing (staring at something and looking really confused). And then he Facetimes me and wants me to stare at Gabby while he does whatever trick my brother and his girlfriend are convinced that he can do.... even though he's ALWAYS doing the same thing (again, staring at someone/something looking super confused and on occasion making a burping sound). And let's not mention the pictures he sends me that have Snapchat filters on them and they freak me the hell out (because I've usually had quite a few drinks by the time I receive them). Every once in awhile you'll get a laugh (or nap) out of him, but that's about it.

I'm not trying to sound like an ass or anything, but most people that know me know that I'm not "huge" on the whole baby thing to begin with.... like, I get that y'all want them and love them, but my anxiety levels and looming sarcasm don't seem to really let me in on the phenomenon that is babies.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?! The answer is yes.... but for so many other reasons other than this. I guess what I'm trying to get at is: Bro, I know you love your kid (and that's great, you're supposed to!), but I don't need to stare at him do nothing. Holler at me when he can start pouring drinks or cleaning toilets.... now that I'll find exciting!!

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Why they gotta do me like that?!

I'm about three weeks into this whole having a legit driver's license thing (yes, we've established that I'm late to the party and blah blah), and FINALLY received my actual license in the mail.

Can y'all believe that they give you a temporary paper one and you have to wait forever and a day for the laminated one?! They used to make that shit (and actual plates) right there and it took a total of like fifteen minutes.

And now I sound old as shit. MOVING ON.


While most people are usually excited when they receive their licenses (I am), I also knew what that nasty little picture on it looked like.... so, I wasn't exceptionally good with it. Does anyone actually look good on their driver's license? You know, besides probably Kate Beckinsale?! Asking for a friend.

What does it look like?! Well, they had to retake my picture about seven times, because their machine was broken and it wouldn't read my image (how ugly do you have to be before even a government issued machine is like "nah, bruh"?) and the girl that was taking my photo and I couldn't stop laughing (and I was blind from (a)not being able to wear my glasses and (b) from having a fluorescent bulb go off in my face eight times).... for those reasons, I knew it was going to be a doozy.

And dude, was I right.

Furthermore, did y'all know that they put your weight on your driver's license?! Rude. I don't need Brenda behind the cash register at the liquor store judging me while I'm buying my whiskey. Seriously, I go in there and she's all "you're in here at least four times a week" and I replied with, "well, so are you, BRENDA" and she made sure to let me know, "well, I work here" and I had to throw back at her, "QUIT BEING SUCH A SNOB, BRENDA." And while that probably has more to do with my slight drinking problem, I'm going with she's judgy, because they put your weight on your license.... because I'm an adult, and it helps (no, it doesn't). It is pretty hilarious to see my "grown up/adult license" say that I'm only five foot though.