I see some interesting things living in the city.

As most people know (and if you don't, all you have to do is listen to my damn twang), I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I've never liked living in the city and have always found more comfort being in seclusion or "the country." 

Honestly, if I lived in a city bigger than the one I currently live in, I'd probably pull my hair out.... and let's just say, D does not like the thought of me being bald if there's a way around it. Ugh, dudes. I digress.... the point I'm trying to make is, while I would prefer to live in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothingness, I do have to admit that when you live in the city, you see some.... interesting things.

Don't get me wrong, you see plenty of interesting things in the country too, but I feel like I'm just accustomed to those things so they're not necessarily strange to me. Shit I see around here though? Oh, boy.

Yeah, I've watched too much Criminal Minds in my day.

I used to think that my paranoia was on a whole other level. I've been like this my entire life and while I've always been a pretty straight-laced person, the fact that I've had my "wild" moments is forever prevalent in the back of my mind.

Sure, I may not be a criminal in any sense of the word, but I'm also not completely innocent and have done things that while I may not regret (even though we all have regrets) I have done things that have been incredibly stupid.

So, maybe my paranoia comes from a place of deeper meaning. Honestly, I'm not sure. I just know that I have always been on edge and that my delusions of the world around me have always made me extremely aware of the fact that anything can go terribly wrong at any moment.

Maybe that's not a way to live life, but it's the life that I've been living and there's no way to get around it. It also probably doesn't help that I can't stop watching murder/mystery shows and police dramas that constantly have me on the edge of my seat and sanity. 

Eh, you win some, you lose some.

The point I'm trying to make is, even when I'm in my own house or car, I feel the overwhelming urge to still be unsettled. Sure, I'm more comfortable in my own home or car than I am someone else's, but to say that I can let my nerves and hyperawareness placate would be a bold faced lie. I've never been one to not be anxious and I'm constantly in a battle within my own mind to just calm myself and make my anxiety simmer down.

Unfortunately, that is not the mindset that I find myself dealing with on a daily basis, hence the constant checking of my backseat before I get into my car and the questioning stance I have on what lays behind my shower curtain in the bathroom.

Happy Thirty-First Birthday, Sweet Girl.

Good ole Ameus. I'd be lying if I said you didn't cross my mind fairly often and it's still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you're gone.... and have a teenager. I have no doubt in my mind that if you were still here with us (I mean physically, because you're always here with us in our hearts) that you would still be beautiful and hilarious and kicking the world's ass. You were just super cool like that.

I miss you, kid. And no matter how long it has been since we've seen each other, all I have to do is think back and I'm immediately cracking up by just reliving some of our (mostly crude and/or sarcastic) conversations. 

With that said, Happy Birthday, Ames. You're an angel, just like we all knew you'd always be.

If somebody else had my voice.... I would hate them.

Have y'all ever listened to your own voice on recording? Like, legit, never heard your own voice and then you hear it on a video from someone's phone or something and it completely blows your mind? No? Just me? Alrighty then....

I've always had problems with my ears/hearing. I'm not sure what the problem stems from (#growinguppoorwedidntgotothedocoften), but the fact that it has always been a factor in my life is forever real. Sure, it's been a problem in the past and it still is from time to time, but I accepted long ago that I'll probably have to have hearing aids or some form of help earlier in my life than alot of people.

And I'm ok with that. I accepted it long ago. Not to mention, between my inability to hear and my penchant for zoning out of most conversations and not even recognizing others, let's just say life can and will be peaceful.

But, with all random things, I found myself in complete bafflement when I heard my own voice on D's phone. To me, my voice sounds fairly deep and I don't have an accent at all. Like, NOT ONE BIT. However, that is apparently not the case. You see, when we were in Florida, we spent a few days at D's dad's house and we shot off fireworks and ammo. And let me tell you, D was so excited to see me shooting rifles that he immediately started filming.

Don't get me wrong, I've shot plenty of guns in my day, after all I used to hunt growing up living in Tennessee, but I haven't shot anything other than a handgun (at a range) for many years. So, D had never seen it. (But now that he has, I'm convinced that the whole "guns and ammo" centerfolds are necessary, because the dude loved it).

What I didn't expect though, was to hear my own voice talking to his dad in the video and me being completely flabbergasted at the fact that I sound.... like a straight up high pitched hick. 

I mean, I've always known I was a hillbilly. Once you grow up that way and it's engrained into your bones and soul, there's no going back. But, I didn't realize how thick my accent still is. As in, it's not going anywhere. My voice is much higher pitched than I could tell.... almost like I'm secretly calling dogs to me like a special whistle (maybe I am, you don't know my life!) and my accent is STRONG and THICK.

I know that sounded dirty, but try to refrain yourself. 

No one could believe that I didn't know I actually sounded like that, and when I told some of the guys at work that I didn't realize I had an accent they all slowly turned to look at me dead in the face with a "are you f*cking serious?" look on their faces. It was quite comical to say the least.

The look on my face the first time I heard my own voice had to have been priceless and when I cringed and shut my face behind my hands in embarrassment and asked D if I truly sounded like that, he just laughed and insisted that yes I did in fact sound like that ALL THE TIME. He claims that it's cute and it's one of his very favorite things about me (and that all of his family also adores the holler coming out with my words), but I'm still debating on whether or not he truly does love it and thinks it's adorable, or he's trying to placate me and not be my costar on an episode of Snapped.

The jury is still out on that one.

Either way, it's my voice and while it might not be all that appealing and it is in fact a tad bit embarrassing, I have lived with it my entire life and I'm always immensely proud to have been raised in the middle of nowhere surrounded by good people and no matter where I go, a little piece of my roots is forever with me every time I open my mouth to say a few words.

My baby is two decades old, but he will forever be my little boy.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY to the pup that’s been my main dude for over half my life!! I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without him for all of these years.

Everything good, bad, joyous, heartbreaking, hilarious, and depressing thing that’s ever happened in my life since I was fifteen years old, this little guy has been by my side throughout it all. Needless to say, he’s been through some shit.

And no matter how annoying I am or how much I love on him against his will, he just takes it all in stride. Sure, he may want his dad 24/7 these days, but when he doesn’t feel good or he’s in the mood to be loved on, he immediately comes to his momma.

If there was anyway to keep him forever, you can damn well bet that I would do it. He’s my rock, my love, and my first baby all wrapped up into one dynamite little package.

He’s adored by all and I could’ve never asked for a better sidekick for all these years. I love you, Tayder!!