2019 films. (Part III).

I started a tradition back at the end of 2016 suggesting all of my favorite films that I would recommend that I had viewed throughout the year. This evolved into three consecutive lists in 2017, two in 2018, and after falling off the wagon with it a bit, a catch up for 2018 and 2019 of sorts detailing the movies that I viewed (spanning four months at a time), which ones were my favorites, and the ones I would steer clear of again.

I figured I would keep that tradition going, because I'm looking for anything and everything to keep my mind busy and my anxiety at a minimum. Rambling tends to do that and even though it doesn't help in the long run, it helps in short spurts. 

Catch up from 2016.
Catch up from 2017: Part I, Part II, Part III.

Catch up from 2018: Part I, Part II.
Catch up from 2018/2019: Part I, Part II.

October's films: El Camino, Stuber, Crawl, House of the Witch.

My favorite: This is gonna sound crazy, but I had a hard time choosing between two movies. One was hilarious (Stuber) and the other was a horror flick (HOTW). But, since I need to choose one I'm going with.... Stuber. This film had D and I rolling and I've been telling everyone to give it a go. Least favorite of the month: Sadly, my least favorite was between two movies as well. Don't get me wrong, they were both alright, but not something that I would watch more than once. Between the two, my least favorite was probably.... El Camino. I know, I know. It got rave reviews and everyone was so excited to see more Jesse Pinkman (including me), but there was just something about it that didn't seem.... I don't know. It just wasn't as great as what I had hoped. Maybe my expectations were just too high.

October's rewatched from years gone by: Hot Tub Time Machine, Hot Tub Time Machine 2, Terminator: Genisys.

November's films: Hobbs & Shaw, Gods of Egypt, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed, Takers, Scorpion King: Book of Souls, In Darkness, Angel Has Fallen, Carriers, Skiptrace.

My favorite: My Thanksgiving "holiday" was pretty productive in the fact that not only did I get stuff around the house done, but I also binge-watched some movies. The Friday after Thanksgiving D had to work, but came home sick, so I watched a few without him and continued on through the weekend. With that being said, I think my favorite was.... a tie between Angel Has Fallen and Takers. Momma told me how awesome Takers was long ago, and when I finally watched it, I said out loud how right she was. And, honestly, I will watch as many of these Mike Banning (aka Gerard Butler) movies that they make. Least favorite of the month: My least favorite would have to be.... the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. They weren't terrible, but they just played real weird and seriously rushed. And I guess that's because of how the books play out? But, it just felt real weird for a film.

November's rewatched from years gone by: Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, About Time, Passengers, IT(2017), Club Dread, Little Nicky, Cold Mountain, Troy, Hit & Run.

December's films: End of Watch, Keeping Up with the Joneses, Logan Lucky, Ready Or Not, 10 Minutes Gone, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Mermaid: Lake of the Dead, The Kitchen, Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, Anna, Jacob's Ladder(2019), Rambo: Last Blood, Die Hard, Species, Sausage Party.

My favorite: I watched a lot of good movies this month, so it's kind of hard to pick a "favorite." I often do this to myself and somehow never learn my lesson? In all fairness though, sometimes you just watch a movie not knowing what to expect. For some reason, even though I watched all of these amazing movies, my favorite was.... Ready or Not. There was just something about that movie, and the fact that the main lady takes absolutely NO SHIT. While I'm a little worried, because I also need to plan a wedding this year, I feel like this movie understands me in a real sick and twisted kind of way. Least favorite of the month: My least favorite would have to be.... Mermaid: Lake of the Dead. I'm usually a sucker for low budget and/or foreign flicks, but this one just didn't do it for me. Was it terrible? No. Would I seek it out to watch it again? Also no.

December's rewatched from years gone by: Four Brothers, Baywatch(2017), 21 & Over, Mission Impossible: Fallout, Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates, RED, RED 2, The Meg, The Dark Knight, Riddick.

Tv series I've finished: The Night Shift (S3-4), Sons of Anarchy (S1-7), The Vampire Diaries (S4), Hawaii Five-0 (S1-2), Grey's Anatomy (S1), V Wars (S1), Keeping up with the Kardashians (S1-5),  New Girl (S1-2), Vikings (S2).

Stand-up I've finished: Katt Williams: The Pimp Chronicles Part I, Katt Williams: Kattpacalypse.

Audiobooks that I've given a try (some I finished, some not so much): 3,096 Days in Captivity (Natascha Kampusch), The Nightingale (Kristin Hannah), The Boy Who Sneaks in my Bedroom Window (Kirsty Moseley).

I was not ready to come back to work after 5.5 days off.

Have you ever had a bunch of days off of work, but it also feels like you didn't get any rest and need more days off? That's where I'm at today. Not that I'm not glad to be back at work, but it just doesn't feel like I've been gone all that long.

I blame the fact that it's this time of year. It's the week between Christmas and New Years, so everything is off and honestly, I don't think anyone really knows what's happening or what day it is.

Like I said, Christmas was hard this year and I have certainly not been in the best spirits lately. I know I should be trying harder, but I'm trying as hard as what I can force myself to.... and basically that's enough to make me pull myself through the days. Luckily though, I can seem to make myself clean my house, shower regularly, and cook now, so at least that's something.

Also, Dani got these little trees for our Company Christmas Party this year and I ended up taking two of them home (we give out all decorations at the end of the party every year) and I've switched them from "holiday" pots that they came in to regular pots and I'm going to try and keep them alive as my new houseplants. I've heard that having houseplants can be therapeutic? And while I don't know if that's true or not, I figured it was worth a shot.

After we dropped D's dad off at the airport Saturday morning I actually had a fairly productive day. I couldn't get back to sleep once we got home (even though lord knows I tried like hell), so I called and cancelled our cable (something I've been trying to accomplish for a damn month.... they made it harder than it had to be) since we only need the internet (we do streaming with Hulu Live and Netflix), I ran a couple of errands (aka, picked up cleaning supplies), got rid of the Christmas tree/put stuff away, deep cleaned our house, and got caught up on laundry. It was a thoroughly exhausting day, but I felt much better once it was all done. I even cooked dinner that night!

Yesterday I cleaned up (I try to at least spot clean the house everyday) and spent the rest of the day drinking wine, making jerky, snuggling with my pups, making jerky, and watching Vikings.

I got D a meat slicer and dehydrator for Christmas and we decided that we would experiment with some different kinds. Between us and my brother I think we came up with somewhere around seven different flavors, and out of those seven, I only dislike three of them. The best kinds (in my opinion) are D's invention that we call Dale's Crushed Red Pepper and my invention that I have named Desperado (because it's a play on a carne asada/mexican jerky). They're just so damn good. We prepped some more last night for me to start when I get home from work today and I think my brother's might turn out to be delicious (it's a bbq). At some point, I'm also going to try and dehydrate some of my own fruit. We shall see how this goes.

So yeah, that's where I'm at this week. Basically, all over the place and confused, but just trying to pull through (and I'm off again on Wednesday, because New Years). Also, that show Vikings? Addicting.

I met my other FIL this week.... and all of our pups approved. 🤣

Earlier this month, I met D's step-dad Dennis when he flew into Indy for work.

This week, I (re)met his actual dad. I originally had met him when we were sixteen, but only for around ten minutes and neither of us remembered the other very well. Mostly because, hello it was for ten minutes over a decade ago.

But, his dad flew in on Christmas Eve and while we were supposed to pick him up around 3:30, he didn't land until 6:30. Did you know that if you actively vomit on an airplane, even if you're in the bathroom, that they can/will throw you off of it? If you didn't, you do now, because that's what happened to him.

The poor guy was sick the entire time he was here and I felt terrible for him. I felt bad for D too, because he had made a bunch of plans for when his dad came up, but they all had to be cancelled, because everytime his dad moved, he puked.

Even though he was sick, D was so excited for him to come visit and I know he misses his family, so it was really nice for him to have his dad around for a few days. We took him back to the airport at 4:00 this morning, and he made it home safe and sound (and vomit free) and we'll be seeing him again in March (when we take vacation and go see his family in FL).

Also, all of our pups couldn't get enough of having him around and they all loved him.

I made Christmas dinner a day late and it just had to go down like that.

I’d be lying if I said Christmas wasn’t hard this year. In fact, it was really hard. Just like the rest of this year. I couldn’t even bring myself to cook Christmas dinner and instead made it the day after. But, I’m trying, and I have people that are trying to help. And you know what? That’s all I can ask for. ❤️ In the words of Riddick, there are bad days, and then there are legendary bad days. It’s always the punch you don’t see coming that puts you down, but.... it’s not about how you fall down, it’s about how you get back up. So, here we are. Here I am. ❤️

Falalalalalalala..... ugh.

Y'all, it's officially two days until Christmas, and tomorrow we pick D's dad up at the airport. As most people know, I'm not exactly in the "holly jolly" spirit, but the new side of that is apparently I have more anxiety about it than I originally thought and I legitimately have these big red knots all over my face and neck (they feel/look like something between a hive and a zit) and they're extremely painful.

But, I'm just trying to pull through and get this dealt with.... by cleaning the house like nobody's business, wrapping presents (except I'm lazy, so some of them are just in a random box surrounded by actually wrapped presents), drinking copious amounts of wine and liquor, and watching Andrew Conn videos on Youtube. Why? Because the dude never fails to crack me up.

So yeah, that's where I'm at with the holiday season. Covered in painful hives, dreading all things merry and bright, and stressing over the fact that I still have a shit ton of cleaning to do before we pick up D's dad tomorrow. See people, this is why they invented alcohol. I'm convinced the first guy that made wine did it by accident and was just amazed at it's calming capabilities and knew that with the right amount, he could conquer.... or at the very least get by.

Christmas is almost here. 2019 is almost over. And here I shakingly stand.

Today is our Company Christmas Party and Dani and I have decided that we are going to try and embrace Christmas this year, because with Christmas comes the end of this ridiculous f*cking year that we would all like to forget.

It's been a rough one, to say the least. After losing Momma (and her losing her dad), not to mention the other people that we've lost this year, it's just been a real hard year for us all. Luckily, Dani is almost as cynical as me, so we tend to have the same dark sense of humor and can reflect on things in the same way.

We're having our party at the brewery down the street from the shop (the same place we had it last year) and I was in charge of setting up catering, so if it's f*cked up, it's on me. Which, whatevs, we'll deal with it and if it doesn't work, I'll just go buy a bunch of pizzas or something. But, after today there's the weekend and then I only work 1.5 days next week and I'm OFF FOR FIVE.

I have to pick up D's dad from the airport on Christmas Eve, and he'll be spending the week with us. My brother, the baby, and his girl will also be there on Christmas Eve and my brother will be at our house for a bit on Christmas day, so that should be nice. I'm somewhere between wanting to be completely alone and having a house full of people, so I think it will be nice.... probably. We're at least going to try and do it semi-right.

D and I have to go this weekend to pick up a couple more Christmas gifts (I did the majority of our/my Christmas shopping online this year, because laziness), and our turkey.... maybe I'll even pick up a small ham and some stuff to bake cookies.

You see, Christmas was Momma's favorite holiday. So every year, we did a big tree, decorated inside and out, made a big dinner, and baked up a storm. Seriously we made candies and cookies out the wazoo. But, without her, this year just hasn't been the same. I haven't been in the "holly jolly" spirit and it's almost like I don't even see the point of this time of year anymore. D had to practically force me to even get a tree (with minimal decorations) and I did all of my shopping online and way later than I should have pushed it. So far, I've done no baking and while I'm trying to force myself to try, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't extremely hard. And there are still days I don't know if I can do it.

In fact, this year has been the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with in my entire life combined. And not to sound dramatic, but I've been through some shit.

But, here I stand, trying. I've been trying. I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying.

I finally had to replace this old guy (aka, our 73 gallon water heater). 🚿

Our water heater has gone out twice this year, and with what I've spent on repairs, I could have bought a brand new one. So, when it went out on Sunday morning, that's exactly what I did.

Did you know that if you buy your water heater at Lowe's you can schedule them to come and deliver/install it for you? (For a fee, of course). Which, was music to my ears, because we have a gas water heater and honestly when it comes to home improvement things like that, I would rather let a professional handle it. I don't mind doing most things myself around the house, but when it comes to major stuff (ie: water heater, electricity, window installation), I try to steer clear.

Therefore, in the last month, we've had our bathroom window replaced, electric in the kitchen fixed, and a new water heater put in. Tis the season, I guess? Oh, and by the way, our old water heater was 73 gallons (wtf?), but I had it replaced with a 40 gallon, because for the most part, it's just me a D at the house.

It was rough not having hot water for two full days, but luckily, I am schooled in the whole having to heat water up on the stove to take a bath and washing my hair with cold water. #Childhood

Now I just have to wait for it all to get here. (Christmas shopping). 🎄

As most people know, I'm not exactly in the "holly jolly" spirit this year. In fact, I'm never in the holiday spirit, but always celebrated and and did everything I could for the occasion, as Christmas was Momma's favorite. It seemed like far less of a hassle then than it does now. Now, I just want to pretend it's not happening and use my "holidays" off of work to do absolutely nothing at my house.

But, D talked me into a tree (albeit a small/barely decorated one), and with my family, and the fact that his dad is flying up, I figured I should probably get a few presents and make dinner. I didn't do, order, or plan anything big this year. Just some small things and a couple of presents. Although, for some reason I still spent more money than I wanted to?

We were going to take D's dad to see the Newfields Winter Light Show, but I of course forgot to book the tickets and by the time I remembered, the only slot available was at 8:00pm on Christmas night.... so, maybe next year.

I was also extremely lazy this year, as in I didn't shop for one single gift at the actual store. I ordered all of my presents online. (In fact, I put in my very last order this morning). Why? Because the introverted 87 year old man inside of me (aka, my entire personality) didn't want to have to deal with trying to find everybody something at the store and run around like crazy. So, between Amazon and Walmart.com, I think I have it handled.... as long as it all gets here on time like it's supposed to.

For D's side of the family, I sent all of our nephews a set of walkie talkies, with the exception of the baby.... he got a stuffed dragon with his name on it. The adults, his mom/stepdad, sister/brother-in-law, brother/sister-in-law, all got butcher block cutting boards that were personalized. His mom/stepdad's have their names and anniversary carved into it, as well as his sister/brother-in-law. His brother/sister-in-law were a bit more difficult as they're not technically married, but between them they have three boys, so it has their names and all their kids names. And yeah, I accidentally sent his sister's to the wrong address, but apparently she knows the people that bought their old house so that's handled? Also, I ordered his dad a blanket, because even though he's coming up here, I didn't want him left out.

For my side of the family, I got a little something for Dani (and I'll make little treat bags for the guys at work), my brother, nephew, sister-in-law, Aunt Poot, and Uncle D. And of course, for D (who is getting more presents from me than anyone). I think my brother assumes that I'm going to get all of them a bunch of presents (like I said, Momma always did it up big), but he's wrong. All of them (with the exception of D) got two presents apiece from us. It's nothing big, but it's something.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to get D this year, but once I started thinking about it, I decided on a few things that he had mentioned over the last couple of months. As well as ordering my pups their Christmas stockings, because they're my babies and need presents too.

So now, we wait.... and hope all of this shit gets to our house on time to get wrapped and given out on Christmas (maybe Christmas Eve?). Who knows at this point, maybe it will be 1/2 and 1/2.

It's not just "this time" of the year, it's every single day. ❤️

Momma used to paint all the time (before she got sick and lost partial control of her hands). I remember being a kid and just watching her be creative and wishing that I had some buried talent deep down that had yet to emerge.... while that talent never reared its head for me, I was always fascinated with any and everything she did. I used to have many things that she painted, but over the years (and many moves and bad situations) we lost most of it. Today, Aunt Poot gave me one of the two saw blades that Momma painted many years ago that she had. As soon as I walked in my house, it had to go up on my wall, above my bed. ❤️ 

This weekend was full of.... nothing but also a couple of things?!?

Y'all, once again the weekend went by far too fast and here we are just hoping to make it through until the next one. It's perfectly acceptable to just wallow in the fact that our next days off are five days away, right?

If not, there are no f*cks given and I want to be chilling with my pups and watching Netflix. But, we'll agree to disagree (even though I'm right) and we'll continue on with what these people are calling adulthood.

Even though I don't sleep late when I'm off (insomnia, party of one), I like having the option of not putting on pants and doing the things. I can have my fan going, curled up under a blanket with my (fur)babies, taking shots of fireball and chugging wine, watching whatever in the hell I want on the tv without hearing exasperated sighs in the background.

In fact, D had to work on Saturday, so what did I do? Well, I was of course awake before his alarm even went off, so once he had left I cleaned the house, finished laundry (I've been trying to keep up on the whole keeping the house clean thing, I thought it might help some of my anxiety), poured myself some drinks (yes, I drank alcohol on Saturday morning), and commenced to watching Keeping up with the Kardashians on tv. Sometimes, you just need some trash tv in your life. Besides, it was the old episodes when Khloe/Lamar were still together, so they needed to be watched (by me). Not to mention, if you're day drinking, the Kardashians are where it's at.

Then, I poured myself some more drinks (are you sensing a trend here?) and finished binge-watching V Wars on Netflix. If y'all haven't seen that one yet, I highly suggest that you watch it.

(The electricians were supposed to come on Saturday to check out our kitchen/living room, but they called and rescheduled for tomorrow.... it's frustrating.)

Saturday was also Soso's "sweet 16" and we had been invited a couple months back. Personally, I didn't really want to get out (you know me and my wanting to be home 24/7), but she stopped by that morning and asked me in person if I would come and I was like fine. So, D and I went for a little bit (about an hour) and then we left and ran by the video store. I like going into the actual video store, because it reminds me of my childhood (aka, I'm old as shit) and he and I commenced to watching two movies that night and the rest the next day.... because Sunday are for rest. (Aside from me cleaning, running to the store to pick up pup food, and cooking dinner).

And, from the first movie we watched, we learned our new code word for when we need to extract ourselves from situations.... CAUL-I-FLOWER. So, all in all, I just want to go back to hibernating in my dark little fortress.

I finally sent out the Christmas cards and I didn't even want to?!?

Every year I send out Christmas cards to a few friends and family members. This year, I sent out more than ever, because I included more of my family and of course, D's family. Don't ask me why I thought to do this, because I am most definitely not in the holiday spirit, but cards are one of those things I've done forever and I guess I felt obligated to continue to do?

This year though, I actually made our own. Mostly, I found a free sight on the internet, uploaded a picture that D's stepdad took, and went from there, but I thought they were pretty cute. You know, besides the picture where I clearly look like a chunky little iguana hobo that needs to get her shit together.

I ended up sending out about twenty-five cards this year (I mailed them out on my lunch break today!), and while they're later than they usually are (I usually have them sent out by the end of November), at least they're out there and people know I'm not a total waste of space and think about them. Or, something like that.

Our new bathroom window is officially installed.... now, onto the electrician.

Our bathroom window (which is weird, because it's located in our shower, but we need it, because we don't have an exhaust fan in there) has been broken for about a year and a half. We were gonna have it replaced a while back, but do you know how f*cking expensive windows are? Yeah.

But, they finally came and got it replaced.... and now we just have to get our electricity checked out.

Our outlets in the kitchen have been out for some time and we've basically been running our lives with extension cords (yeah, I know), but then when we picked up D's stepdad the other night, we came home and discovered that two outlets in our living room had stopped working as well. And sure, when we took him back to his hotel and came home they were working again, but that only made me more nervous.

So, I called an electrician that night (they're open 24/7) and we have a guy coming out on Saturday. Hopefully, *fingers crossed* it's a fairly easy fix and once that's done the "major" things that needed to happen at the house are complete. (Aside from the yard work that needs done and the garage that needs fixed.... it's good for now).

I finally met one of my FIL's and had a great time.

D's stepdad had to fly into Indy for work and we actually got to pick him up and spend a few hours with him. I had never met him before (I've only ever met his dad one time and that's when we were sixteen for about two minutes), but assumed he would be awesome, since D thinks so highly of him.

I was right, he is awesome. We got to pick him up around 7:30 at night (from the place his company was having a gathering) and took him back to his hotel later on (we didn't get home until after midnight!). You should have seen me driving on the highway with limited vision, no sense of direction, and a lead foot.... it was fairly comical.

Not to mention, our pups seemed to thoroughly enjoy having their grandpa/a new face around to visit for a bit.

We wish he could have stayed longer and that D's mom could have come with him, but we at least got to have dinner with him (D cooked ribs and I made mashed taters/gravy and green beans) and hang out for a few hours. Even though we had absolutely zero light in our living room.... another story for another day.

We can't wait to see them all again and will still be heading down in March to see his entire family.

I was not ready to come back to work after four and a half days off.

My Thanksgiving "holiday" was pretty productive in the fact that not only did I get stuff around the house done, but I also binge-watched some movies and Hawaii Five-0. The Friday after Thanksgiving D had to work, but came home sick, so I watched a few without him and continued on through the weekend.

Thursday: I actually made Thanksgiving dinner for me and D all by myself. D was there for moral support, but I did all of the cooking. I had never cooked a turkey on my own (I wanted to do turkey breast, but D insisted we have a legit turkey, so we got a small one so us and our pups could eat), but I used a lot of butter and random spices, and roasted it in our oven for about three hours and damn. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but that shit was delicious. I don't know if it's a thing or not, but our turkey was literally falling off the bone and f*cking delicious. Between that and the sides I made, we were pretty stuffed. Also, D has declared that I am to make the turkey every year from now until eternity.

Friday: Greg came home for the weekend as this is his week to be at our house, but D and him had to work so it was just me and the pups chilling at the house. I has to run to the store to pick up my mortgage payment and some dog food.... completely forgetting the fact that it was "Black Friday." Ugh. I hate people with a fiery passion, but luckily I avoided too much headache and picked up some stuff that we needed (and a couple of things that I wanted). Nothing big, just little odds and ends. Then I grabbed a burger on my way home and commenced to watching movies with my pups. D came home sick (and no, it wasn't from my cooking, assholes) and while I planned on cleaning my house and tackling that back bedroom, I didn't do it and instead we just watched tv and cuddled with the pups all day.

Saturday: I reluctantly got my house clean and situated. Not that back bedroom, but the rest of the house was good to go. D was laid up on the couch still sick, so I didn't want to bother him and cleaned around him. It's amazing to me how messy two people (part-time three) and three pups can be. No worries though, I got it all done and now there's only spot cleaning and the usual (sweeping, dishes after meals, etc.) to do on the daily. I was going to do more, but decided I was "on vacation" and once again, watched movies with D and cuddled the pups instead.

Sunday: I FINALLY cleaned that back bedroom and got the heaping mound of laundry that has been taunting me started. While the back bedroom is still cluttered (it's kind of our guest/catch all room), it's an organized clutter and you can actually walk in it/use the bed. Which is nice considering that D's dad will be staying with us for four days towards the end of the month. While I still have a mountain of laundry to complete, which I have to do this evening, the fact that my entire house is clean makes me feel much better. I also may have drank a bit of alcohol to kickstart my urge to tackle that back bedroom and by the time D woke up I was pretty.... tipsy. (Stop judging me, I do what I want!) Luckily, he was feeling much better and he took me to the store (yes, again.... I had to get Tayder food, drinks, and pick up the stuff for the dinner we're making his stepdad). When we got home, we put the stuff away and then, guess what? Didn't do shit else. In fact, while we were watching tv with the pups, I actually fell asleep and took a nap. Now, I watch a ton of tv (#noregrets), but I NEVER nap. When I woke up just a little bit later, D was cooking supper, so I showered and did supper dishes and then just hung out for the rest of the evening. I did a little cleaning, but nothing too drastic.

And now, it's Monday morning and not only am I back at work, but this is going to be a busy week for us. D's stepdad is flying into Indy tomorrow for business, so in the evening we're going to pick him up and bring him back to our house to cook him dinner. Then on Wednesday, they are finally coming to replace our bathroom window. They were supposed to do it in November, but I had to push it back for work, and the only day they had available was 12/4. Which is good, because at least it's before "hard" winter sets in. Oh, and Saturday is apparently Solae's Sweet 16, and I know I have to go and make an appearance, but I'm not sure how long we'll stay, because you know me and people.

On my list: try to start managing what I'm going to get people for Christmas this year. I'm not going to do much, but there are a few people I need to get things for, so.... we'll see how that goes. I'm not a bit excited for Christmas this year, any holidays actually, but D is persistent and forever trying to help me get through the rough patches that seem to entomb my life. I even let him get a tiny tree (that sets on our side table in the living room) for Christmas. It's a small step, but I'm trying.

So yeah, we'll see how this week plays out.... can we be back on home vacation again?

For the week of giving thanks, I sure want to kick a few people in the face.

Starting, but not stopping with my adorable fiance. But, we'll not get into that right now.

Today is the Mondayest of all Mondays and the fact that it's a short week has not lifted my spirits even the slightest. Frankly, I would have prefered to stay in bed with my pups and not move at all until I have to cook on Thursday, but that's neither here nor there. Apparently, participating in life is a healthy thing? Whatevs.

The weekend went by far too quick, as it always does, but at the very least, it was productive. While D worked on Saturday, I finally got the pit that I call a house cleaned up (except for the back bedroom, and it's more than a f*cking process), and Sunday was spent getting D his new phone (I kind of broke his last December/January and we finally got around to switching his plan over) and grocery shopping. Not only did I get the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving accomplished, but also the regular ole grocery shopping that has needed to be done forever, but I haven't had the umph to do.

Now, I can actually cook our dinner at home in the evenings instead of having to constantly order takeout. Which is good on the wallet and wasteline (probably?). Also, I think I've finally convinced D to go down to part-time, so it's only a matter of time before my life is in a semi-order. Maybe.

And of course, while we were at the store, I saw a pit of toys and my pups just HAD TO HAVE a new Christmas toy. Because, even though I'm not in a "holly jolly" spirit, there's no reason my pups should have to suffer for it. OH!! And I got a roasting pan so I can make the holiday turkeys/hams/regular ole stuff.... ok, it's not a "traditional" roasting pan like I wanted, but it's a pan that will definitely suffice and will now be used until the day I die to accomplish my many endeavors.

So.... the goals for my week are simple: show up for work for the next three days, attempt to keep my house clean, straighten up that f*cking back bedroom that is the bane of my existence, and cook Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday without having a nervous breakdown or setting my house ablaze.

Side note: since I didn't go to my cousins Thanksgiving thing on Saturday, because of my sickness, my aunt has convinced herself and my entire family that I'm pregnant. Not that the smell of mayo made me sick, because I couldn't keep anything down and had food poisoning, but because there's a human swimming around in there. PS: THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOT. And then I had to explain that my "lady doctor" is in there enough to where if I was, she would definitely tell me. Ugh.... holidays.

Thanksgiving 2019: what to do, what to eat, who to be with.

I'm not extremely into the holidays this year. In all honesty, holidays have never really been my thing, but this year I feel especially ugh about them. I'm not full of holiday spirit, I'm not excited for festivities, and the entire process seems exhausting to me. I don't know what to do these days, but also the thought of doing things annoys me, so who f*cking knows.

Thanksgiving is coming up this week and we were supposed to go to my cousins house on Saturday (today) for their early celebration. But, D has to work and I feel like crap run over twice, so that's a giant bust. I know I should be more upset about it, but any kind of social function depletes my entire body and all brain operation ceases to exist.

What to do: So, we have decided instead that for Thanksgiving it's just going to be me, D, and our pups. (We invited my brother, his girl, and baby, but she wants to make them their own dinner at their house too, so it's all good). I'm going to get the stuff to cook us dinner this weekend and by Thursday, we'll be prepared.... well, food prepared, not mentally or emotionally prepared.

What to eat: I figured that since it's just going to be the two of us + the three pups, I would make us all the essentials of Thanksgiving, but only the things we like and not such large portions of everything. We've decided that the essentials we will need for our dinner are: turkey (I want to get a small turkey breast and make it in my InstantPot, D wants a full turkey to make in the oven, we're still debating it), mashed taters (D's dad suggested that we get the four-cheese bag potatoes and have those, but I prefer to make homemade mashed taters and D prefers the ones I make, so homemade it is), gravy (I found a trick to make homemade brown gravy and D practically drinks it, so I'm making that kind), sweet tater casserole (the only dessert we'll need- and apparently it needs to have marshmallows), stuffing (I'm so happy that we both prefer stove top stuffing to anything fancy!), green beans (just regular green beans, NOT green bean casserole, because GROSS), artichoke hearts (I've never had this for a holiday, but decided we should try something new for us), mac 'n cheese (we debated between mac n cheese or corn casserole and decided on the mac), cranberry sauce (the canned kind, NOT the homemade kind, because I might be the only one to eat it, but Momma always made sure that I had it every single year and this will be one tradition that I keep), and rolls (the Hawaiian sweet rolls, because they're the best and ain't nobody got the effort to be making homemade everything).

Who to be with: Like I said, it's just going to be me, D, and our pups. Of course, our little furchildren will get their own plates and celebrate with us, because we're basically just a married couple with three children. Our children just have four legs, fur, and are the cutest versions of babies EVER. This way, we can all gorge ourselves on food, while wearing ridiculous sweatpants and pajamas, and take naps while drinking booze and snuggling with the babies.... in between all of my mental breakdowns.

I've never made an entire holiday meal by myself before. I've helped Momma for as long as I can remember, but I've never done it solo. I'm pretty sure D is going to help me do the cooking, but it feels compeltely different without Momma here to direct me and supervise. I say that, because no matter how or what I screwed up, she always knew how to fix it. Last year she taught me how to make the Christmas ham, and while I don't know if I'll ever make one again, because she's not here, she did in fact teach me how to make it.

I've never made a turkey all by myself though. That's why I wanted to just do a breast in the InstantPot, but if we decide to do a full turkey, I guess I'll be googling some shit and possibly getting a roasting pan? Luckily, Momma always told me the Neely's on The Food Network always have my back, so I'll probably grab their turkey recipe. Speaking of roasting pan, I also need to get some more tupperware bowls (and disposable pans and maybe those fancy holiday plates that separate the food for you?), because ours are non-existent at this point. I swear, we have a bunch of stuff and then I go to find it and it's not there. I don't even know what happens to it.... maybe ghosts? But, cool ghosts. Like, the circa Civil War era ghosts. Those are the kind of ghosts to have if you're gonna be haunted. I would say that I want Momma to haunt me, but I really hope that she's at peace, so if we have ghosts, it's definitely those kind.

Sorry, I'm just rambling at this point. So yeah, that's the plan for Thanksgiving this year. I'm planning on eating, drinking, and crying my way through it. And D is going to help.... now if he would only go down to part-time.

I want D to go down to part-time for very selfish reasons.

As most people know, I have been riding on the struggle bus for awhile now. No matter how much I try to jump off said bus, I somehow end up just strapped on and along for the ride. It's frustrating, but also something that I'm used to at this point. Do I want to be used to it? No. But am I? Yeah.

And because of this, other areas of my life have been lacking. You see, most of the effort and energy that I can muster gets used on pulling myself out of bed and going to work. No, that doesn't sound like it should take alot of effort, and yet, here we are. With the usage of this energy, I don't clean my house like I would like it to be, I don't cook meals like I would like to, laundry is always piled up, and my pups don't get all of the attention and interaction that I feel they deserve on a daily basis. Although, if I'm being honest, whatever energy I have left is definitely used on my pups.

Therefore, I was thinking/talking to D the other day and about halfway through our conversation, I was all, "you should go down to part-time!" He was a little confused at first, because I had obviously had an epiphany and hadn't included him in it yet.

I thought he should go down to part-time, that way he could clean the house and make sure the pups are getting the amount of attention that they deserve. Sure, that sounds insane, and ridiculous, but I got to thinking about it and to me, it's really no different than when one of two people in a relationship work part-time or are a stay at home parent. The only differences are, it would be the "dad" doing it instead of the mom (because it's almost 2020 and men can do that shit now) and our children have four legs and fur. THEY ARE STILL MY CHILDREN.

I mean, he's just such a good house cleaner and once he's done I'd never have to clean or mow grass ever damn again. Which in all honesty, sounds like it would be the greatest gift ever right about now. So yeah, I'm being one of those people. I want my husband (ok fine, he's still my fiance right now, BUT COME ON) to work part-time, because I'd rather pay bills than clean, do laundry, and mow grass right now. (And he seemed to be good with that deal.... if I can only talk him into actually doing it!)

He would take so much anxiety that I have, that probably shouldn't exist, but most definitely does. And I love the idea of that. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks about it, I think it is close to the most genius plan I've ever had in my entire life.

I just want to be able to use whatever energy I have left to play with my pups, hang out with D without being in the fetal position, and cook instead of constantly ordering takeout. That's what I f*cking want. Yeah, I said it. #NoRegrets

I should be better at this by now.

This year has been difficult.... and challenging.... and heartbreaking.... and frankly, honestly, just f*ck this entire year.

Aunt Poot called me at 4:11am this morning and as soon as my phone rang, I knew something was wrong. As soon as I saw that it was Aunt Poot, I knew it was even worse than what I was imagining. She called to tell me that my Aunt Winnie passed away this morning. Apparently, she had been having trouble breathing, and my Uncle Robbie called 911, but by the time they got there, they were unable to resuscitate her. Not unlike Momma.

Now, with the year that my family has had.... Momma suddenly passing in January.... Dani's dad (Stanley B.) passing in April.... Aunt Linda passing in May.... Uncle Clyde getting diagnosed with Stage3 cancer.... D's sister losing her baby.... not to mention all of the extended family and what they've gone through.... you would think that we were getting better at seeing things like this coming and handling the situations to the best of our abilities with strong perseverance.

But, that's just not the case.

You see, I feel incredibly selfish and ridiculous. I lost Momma in January and ever since then, my emotions have been a roller coaster ride that just won't end. While I try to move forward and get things in order, waves of emotions and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. So, for every step I attempt to take forward, I end up getting pushed back four. It's incredibly frustrating and in all honesty, overwhelming.

My brother has informed me that my Momma would be mad and disappointed in me. She would be mad that I'm still grieving her being gone and she would be disappointed in the ways that I keep the house, how much I drink, how I deal with my depression, and that I haven't "moved on." Whether he's right or wrong (or, just being the dick that is my brothers personality), I can't seem to do anymore than what I am.

I try. But, I apparently do not succeed.

What hasn't changed is the fact that most days I just want to stay and or get into bed and not move. I know that sounds pathetic and/or insane, but it's just how I feel. I know I should want to, but I don't want to participate in things.

Going to work? No. I do because I have to, but I don't enjoy it anymore (I have always enjoyed working). Grocery shopping? Ugh. Family gatherings? Pass. Doctor visits? Hard no. Throughout the week I manage to pull myself out of bed in the mornings for work, but once I get home or on the weekends, all I want to do is climb right back in.

And this morning, I find myself questioning my entire personality. You see, I feel like I should be better at this by now. I feel like I should be able to offer comfort and support. I should know what to say to make things feel easier and I should know what to do to make people feel more at ease. I've been in this situation, I know the feelings, and yet, I am unable to do what needs to be done for other people.

Why? Because I'm still learning how to do it all for myself. I am aware that I should be better at this, and that I should have, according to my brother, "moved past this" but I just can't seem to do it. It still takes everything I have in me to get myself through each and every day, and some days I'm so exhausted that I can't even seem to move, but I feel like I should be able to do more. More for them, more for me, more for the universe, I guess.

I should be able to comfort my cousin and uncle and tell them that everything will be ok and that it gets easier, but I also can't bring myself to lie. And I feel like it would be lying, because even though people keep telling me these things and I see them in other people's lives, I can't seem to experience it for myself, therefore I can't repeat them to others. For that reason, here I stand. Somewhere in Limbo, not really sure where to go or what to do next.... and definitely unsure of what to do with myself or how to handle absolutely anything.

So yeah.... that's where we're all at. Just trying to make it through this ridiculous f*cking year that is 2019. And trying, beyond all logic and reason, to just keep going. Why? Because I am my Momma's daughter and that's what she taught me to do.

I'm not sure if I need a box of Theraflu, a nap, or a bottle of whisky.

Things that I'm required (or, supposed to be required) to do this week:

Show up to work and participate in adulthood, go to my cousin's Thanksgiving day dinner on Saturday, deep clean my entire house and fold a load of laundry, stay conscious and not take a nap under my desk, take a class for work on Wednesday.

Things that I don't want to participate in this week:

Everything that I listed.

We took all of our pups on an outing.... and it was eventful and expensive.

D and I talked about it and I think we're planning on making our trip to Florida come March. I'm not big on the whole Florida thing (living there for two years did me in, although I'm eternally grateful for meeting D and his family while we lived there and I learned quite a bit about myself), but D misses his family terribly, and I love them too, so we're planning a trip to go down.

We're of course taking our pups with us, because they are my children and the thought of "boarding" them makes me want to cry, so we figured for the trip, it would be a good idea to have them all fitted with the correct harnesses and leads. The only lead we had was a retractable one, that worked great for Tayder while Momma let him out in our old house, but they aren't the best for big pups.

So, we loaded them all up and headed to the PetCo.

Now, when I say that we were getting them all fitted for harnesses and leads, I probably should have also mentioned that I was fairly inebriated and basically everything they looked at, I was convinced they needed and they got it. There's a reason that it's called "puppy eyes" and my boys know how to work my feelings like nobody's business. Seriously, they know exactly what to do and what look to give in order for them to get their every wish and desire from me. And I just chalk it up to "well, they need it, they're my babies" and it probably has gotten me in more trouble than it should have. But, they needed stuff and who am I to deny them their every want and dream? (Ps: I would be a horrible human person mother, because I'm a sucker for my furbabies and my kids would definitely be assholes).

Included but not limited to: two harnesses (Spart had one that fits perfectly), three leads, a cone for Tayder for when he won't quit chewing on himself, a variety of toys and treats, two different kinds of itch spray for Tayder, a pair of dog shoes for me (don't ask), a dog bag for dog paraphernalia.

And probably some other stuff that I can't even remember. Basically, what I'm saying is, my drunk ass spent WAY too much money at that damn pet store, but also all of my babies are happy, so it was also totally worth it? I should probably quit making decisions after two bottles of wine and bottle of Kinky. I'm not going to, but I probably should.

Oh, and D cut his finger open with his knife trying to adjust Xur's harness correctly, and commenced to "bleeding out" in the store. So, you know, good family times.

I think I'm gonna make shepherd's pie and cabbage for dinner.

I have a hard time deciding what to make for dinner most nights. It's not that I'm one of those "indecisive" people when it comes to food, but I try to make/think of things that D will also like to eat. Since he's a pickier eater than I am (he doesn't like mushrooms.... which I love!!), I usually just ask him what he wants, and that's that.

But, every now and then, I think of something I really want and I say screw it, that's what we're eating. To be honest, with my emotions being every which way lately, I've been ordering more takeout than I should, because cooking and then cleaning it up seems like a never-ending chore. Ugh.

Tonight though, I think I have made the decision. I'll run by the store on my way home to pick up dog food and wine (the essentials of my household), and while I'm there, I think I'll pick up the stuff to make shepherd's pie and cabbage. For some reason, I really want some damn cabbage, and since it's rainy and gross outside, shepherd's pie seems like a good choice.

Then again, I desperately need to clean my house, so hopefully I'll get that all done, do a load of laundry (that reminds me, I need to pick up some laundry soap too!), cook supper, and be done by the time D gets home, so we can just gorge on delicious food, booze, and watch movies while cuddling with our dogs.

I had an emotional breakdown over a f*cking mouse.

Friday evening I came home from work and started feeding Tayder (he eats vienna sausages, not regular dog food), and while I was draining his can of food in the sink, I realized there was a teeny tiny mouse stuck in it.

Finding a mouse or two throughout the winter months is not unusual in the Midwest, but if I'm being perfectly honest, finding a live one just chilling in your sink tends to catch you a little off guard. I wasn't sure what to do at first, so I put a tupperware bowl over him and slid the lid under, effectively trapping him inside the bowl. I knew that I should have killed him, because mice tend to just get back in where it's warm, but as I looked at him in the bowl, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

In fact, I panicked and just kept replaying scenes from The Green Mile in my head over and over again until the point came where I started crying and saying out loud, "I can't kill him! I can't do it! I can't be like Percy! What would John Coffey say?! Not Mr. Jangles!!"

It was a bit insane, even for me, but the fact remains that I've been fairly emotional lately and just couldn't do it. Needless to say, after panicking for another three to four minutes, I took him outside, a little down the street, and released him on the hillside, hoping that he would run away and start a new life somewhere else.

And yes, I threw away the tupperware bowl.

It's the time of year where people are with their families at home.

With the holidays approaching (excluding Halloween, because I'm spooky all year long), people are making plans and preparations to spend time with their families and be at home. There are 1,000,000+ songs about this time of year and that number is only increasing.

Personally, I find myself not giving a shit about the holidays. Like, at all. I don't care that Thanksgiving is in a couple of weeks, I roll my eyes with all the Christmas chatter, and the fact that New Years Eve will be soon irks me.

Usually, every year for the holidays, Momma and I go to my Aunt/Uncle's house (even though that has somehow switched to my cousin's house the last couple of years), as well as have our own traditions at ours. Every year for my entire life we have put our Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving evening and watch White Christmas. It's a small tradition, but it's ours.

But, without Momma here, I don't know where my traditions lie.

My mindset is very consistent. I don't want to put a Christmas tree up. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And, I very much want to pretend that the holiday season is nonexistent. While D insists that Momma would want me to celebrate and try to be happy, and I know that he's right, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's not here with me.

And it sucks. After losing her, nothing feels right and nowhere feels like home. Don't get me wrong, I love my house and don't ever plan on leaving it, but I've always been of the belief that "home" is where the people you love the most are. And yes, I love D and my pups and my family beyond words, but she was always my home.

Now home feels foreign to me. Holidays feel unfamiliar. I don't know where to go from here.

I have decided to try though, because I know that's what she would want. I don't know how well that's going to go or what is going to happen, or where my traditions now lie, but I know that she would insist that I try something. I don't think I'm ready to be around a slew of family yet, so I believe I've decided to make Thanksgiving dinner for me and D at our house.

Instant Pot turkey, sweet tater casserole, and a couple other things seems like a good place to start. Mostly because, I don't know what else to do with myself.

So yeah, I'm trying. I've been trying. But, I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying.

Halloween 2019 is what some might consider to be a bust.

D has to work tonight, so the pups and I will be lone rangering it together at the house. It's weird spending a Halloween alone, but without Momma, I suppose it's something that I'll need to get used to. If that's even possible. 

Usually we spend Halloween surrounded by delicious candy, booze, and scary movies, but since I'm on my own, I'll probably just end up maybe cleaning the disaster zone that I call a house, doing some laundry, grabbing a bite to eat (I can't decide if I want to order a sandwich or have leftover Brunswick stew), and cuddling in with the pups. 

I'm just such a party animal.

Maybe I will watch a scary movie, but who really knows? I may just end up bingeing Hawaii Five-0 in between folding laundry (ugh) and taking shots of Fireball. Which reminds me, I should stop by the store on the way home and pick up a bottle of wine.... don't wanna have to go out again after I get home. It's cold as hell and rainy out, and they're calling for snow flurries, so who even knows if they'll be trick or treaters out this evening. 

Basically, this is the first Halloween in my life where I'm not excited. But, at least there's hilarious videos of Kevin Hart and The Rock to entertain me first thing in the morning....

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Mind yo' own damn business, CINDY. ಠ益ಠ

Me: *types into WebMD* "Why do I get a pain in my back when I chug copious amounts of wine?!"
WebMD Commenter: "Couldn't you just.... like.... not chug copious amounts of wine?!"
Me: "Can you just.... like.... mind your own damn business and let me consult with my primary physician over here, CINDY?!"

D and I have been in full on hibernation mode lately. It's not even been that cold out (although he would insist that it's been freezing and I'm trying to give him hypothermia), but it's been just grey and icky enough out to make you want to do nothing but nap and cuddle.

In fact, I don't usually take naps, but today seems like the perfect day to get into it. Unfortunately, I have to be an adult and work.... and clean house.... and do laundry.... and cook supper.... and shower.

Ugh, the glamorous life that is mine. (But, in all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way).

With all of this hibernation time we've been putting in, I've been making good use of my new(ish) Instant Pot and we've been bingeing Sons of Anarchy and Hawaii Five-0. (SOA we do together, H50 I sometimes do completely on my own.... I love it!). Our pups have even gotten into it, taking naps and cuddling into the blankets like there's no tomorrow. I hate being hot or having a hot house, so I try to keep the heat at a minimum.... much to D's chagrin.

Also, with this hibernation onset, alcohol has been a constant in my life. Not saying that I don't drink when it's hot out, but there's just something about drinking some booze while eating chili and binge watching our shows while cuddling my pups that makes me happy. Say what you will, but it's my thing and I love it.

I mean.... homebody that doesn't like to be in public or do anything that requires actual skills or effort?! That's the understatement of the f*cking century.

Tayder.... forever helping me live out my Wizard of Oz dreams. ❤️

My house is insane and messy and chaotic.... just like my life.

I love my little house. It's sweet, cozy, full of memories, close to my job, wacky, cluttered, eclectic, and most importantly, it's MINE. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and while most people would think that it's "not enough" or that it might not be in the best neighborhood, I would say.... suck it. Because I love it.

I don't really have a style or theme in my house. I'm just not that kind of person. I don't necessarily "decorate" in any way, I just pretty much see something that I like and bring it home. I've always been like that as far back as I can remember. While my friends insisted on painting their rooms certain colors and organizing everything with matching furniture, I was just adding to my collection of nonsense as far as the eye can see.

Momma always joked that I'm a hoarder, and she wasn't wrong. I am. I don't hoard weird things like on that television show (ie: dead animals, trash, etc.), but I do hoard any and everything that I like.

And since my house is so small, and I'm so strange, most people are a little taken aback by the layout of it. Mostly because, the living room is our bedroom, the second bedroom is our spare room (my brother has the first bedroom at the moment), and I have a giant freezer in my living room. Also, the closets are whatever I want them to be and I have cabinets and shelves throughout the whole thing with miscellaneous items. It's weird to people.... but it works for me and I love it.

I was told that was the most important part. Apparently, you're supposed to surround yourself with things that make you happy and organize your life to suite yourself. My life is utter chaos and that's reflected in the house. And I love that. I love that it doesn't work for most people, but it works for me. And I'm going to keep doing it that way.

Sure, most people think it's odd, but I'm odd, and the fact that I can watch tv while laying on my bed eating takeout and reach into my freezer for my liquor makes me.... well.... me. And D and my pups are good with it too. My brother thinks it's insane, and my uncle thinks I'm off my rocker, but honestly have they met me? Of course it is and of course I am.

And the fact that I'm going to just keep adding shit and being weird and hoarding the most random things is so truthful that it's borderline psychotic. But, you know what? I'm good with it.

I don't have the heart to tell her they creep me the f*ck out.

When D moved to Indy so we could be together, we both knew that he would miss his family something terrible. He doesn't complain about it often and never tries to make me feel guilty about it, but I know deep down that he misses seeing them as often as he once did.

Luckily, his mom has been able to make a few trips up in the last year, once even bringing one of his nephews, and now more than ever, we've learned that Facetime can be a beautiful thing.... like when she facetimed us during his brothers baby shower and we got to partake in the festivities, even though we couldn't technically be there in person.

With that being said, we are planning a trip for the beginning of next year, and hope to make it down sometime in March. D knows how much I hate the heat (even though I would endure it so he could see his family), so he wants to go down while it's still fairly cool.

We'll of course be taking our three pups and driving his car for the journey. Since we can fold down the backseats and make a giant palette, it should be fairly comfortable. Even though Tayder will demand to sit up front with me the whole time, because he is not a backseat kind of pup. We plan to see the majority of his family (mom, stepdad, dad, brother, sister, grandparents, etc.) and one of my uncles that doesn't live too far from his grandparents. It should be real nice.

His mom insists that we spend the majority of time at their house, as they live on a few acres of land and have room for days. They have horses, pigs, dogs, ducks, chickens, cats, etc. and with my love of animals, she figured it would be a good fit. She is also pretty adamant that she's going to take me riding, since I've never been on a horse in my entire life.

Yes, the girl who grew up on a farm, surrounded by other peoples farmland, working tobacco, hauling cattle, hunting, fishing, and generally being in the middle of nowhere backcountry, has never been on a horse. But.... that's not by accident. You see, horses freak me the f*ck out.

I'm an awful "girl" by way of, I don't think they're majestic or magical creatures (unless you put a horn and some glitter on them), although I will admit that there is something freeing and amazing at watching them run through fields, or in moments like Dances with Wolves. I've never had the fantasy about being "rescued" by a prince on a white horse and I never wanted to own a "pony" growing up. And I never understood the girls that did.

It's not that I hate them or anything, they're beautiful creatures, I just happen to prefer cows. Not saying that's a substitute, but you get the idea. I even took an Ag class in high school where we had to count the hands high of horses and I was all about the book work, but didn't necessarily love the dealing with horses one on one part.

I know, I know. TRUST ME, I KNOW how ridiculous this sounds. You would think that my twenty-nine year old ass would be over this ridiculousness at this point, but I am not. In fact, there are very few things that creep me out in life.... outer space, ventriloquist dummies, Freddie Krueger, and horses. (Now that I think about it, the list of things that freak me out is getting longer and I'm not sure if that's anxiety related or I'm just a f*cking psycho?)

The sad thing is though, no one knows about this. And it's not necessarily a fear or anything, like the thought of horses doesn't freak me out, but the thought of being with them or riding them.... I kind of might have a slight anxiety attack. Which isn't that bad anymore, considering that I have so many anxiety attacks that they all just kind of blend together at this point.

But, she is most definitely looking forward to teaching me how to "ride" and while I want to panic and shake my head no, I don't have the heart to tell her that the animals she loves so much might kill her DIL. Not to be dramatic, but I'm being dramatic.

I guess come March, we shall see how this goes.

It's about time to relax and get some pup snuggles in.

This has been an incredibly long and exhausting week. And maybe that's because I drank too much on Wednesday night, or maybe it's because a friend of mine has been going through a rough time and needed to lean on me.... maybe it's neither of those things and I'm just exhausted as a person in general. It really could be any of them.

But, it's finally Friday and while I have to do a few things after work today (ie: run to the grocery store, finish cleaning the house, and do laundry), I'm hoping to not do a whole lot else the rest of the weekend. 

My brother, his girlfriend, and the baby are staying over tonight, but they'll be heading back to their house probably on Saturday morning, so after that I plan on not doing much of anything. I think even D has to work on Saturday. 

So.... maybe I'll just not wear pants and watch the new Breaking Bad movie on Netflix. Maybe I'll find and start a different show and binge-watch that. Who knows? Perhaps, a few scary movies. The point is, once I get off of work today and do the things I have to do this evening, nobody bother me, because I'm checking out.

When your boss tells you that you're getting a raise.... and it's a good one.

It's a pretty frantic world that we live in. -Mary Chapin Carpenter

This weekend was.... eventful. And hectic. And chaotic. And *insert all those other things that go with that here*

While I won't go into in depth detail about why or how, just know that I got an unexpected surprise that changes many things. While it doesn't change my life, or feelings, it does change a few circumstances.... honestly that's not entirely accurate, because it does change my life in a sense.

No, I'm not pregnant.
No, D and I didn't get married.
Yes, all of our furbabies are still with us.
No, we're not moving.

While I would like to say it was a relaxing weekend and we got plenty of rest, that just isn't the case. Saturday found D and I running around like chickens with our heads cut off, doing errands, and reviewing paperwork, and essentially everything except cleaning our house.

Sunday was just as hectic with my brother insisting I run his important errands with him in the morning and that afternoon, D's family facetimed us, because his brother and sister-in-law-to be were having their baby shower and they wanted to include us in the event. I sent them a baby gift from us (I forgot until late and it arrived at D's mom's house the day before.... just in time!), and they seemed to love it.

Their babies middle name is going to be Maverick, so I sent a little onesie that had a picture of aviators on it that said "Talk to me, Goose." He was ecstatic. She cried. And now I want a "Talk to me, Goose" shirt.

Through all of that, and all of the things that we got accomplished, do you know what didn't get accomplished? Cleaning the house (I HAVE to do that today when I get home.... it looks like a cyclone hit it!) and sleep. While sleep almost always eludes me (even with my meds), it's still incredibly frustrating when you can't do it while you have the time to. (I couldn't even sleep last night, therefore I was up at 3:00am and have been at work since a little before 6:00am.)

But, we did complete season one of Sons of Anarchy and transitioned into season two, so there's that. (As most people know, I am OBSESSED with SOA, but D has never seen it.... but now I have him hooked!).

All in all, this weekend was.... interesting.

Letting go of Momma's car was far harder than I ever imagined.

Awhile back I talked about the fact that I had decided to sell Momma's old car (our car together) for parts, as it needed some work and I couldn't find the title. Even though I ran into some characters (and shitheads) on FB Marketplace, I made the decision that was still my best bet, as I have sold a couple of tables, AC units, etc. on there and had some luck.

Her car hadn't been driven in over two years (ever since we got Ricardo in May 2017), with the exception of moving it from Aunt Poot's to our backyard (they let us store her car in their lot while we were in the transition of being kind of homeless, but not). After her surgery she couldn't drive and since we had Ricardo, she made me assure her that I wouldn't drive it (she felt like Ricardo was much safer.... and she was right). That's why we got him.

The decision to get rid of Betsy (aka the Sunfire) was a hard one. I put it off for a long time and insisted that "one of these days" I would get around to it. But, I knew that it was something I needed to do.... something that Momma would want me to do. Afterall, she absolutely hated to have "junk" or "rundown old cars" just sitting in a yard. She said it cluttered them up and made them look trashy.

I had a couple of hits that showed some interest in good ole Betsy, with a couple of people even coming by to check it out, but they fell through. And of course there were those people that have to be assholes no matter what they're doing. It's amazing to me that there are actually people that think it's ok to just treat people horribly or say the most inappropriate things. Not as a joke between friends, but as a creeper to a stranger.

The entire process became much more draining than what I had originally envisioned it to be.

Last week though, a man contacted me and wanted to come by on Sunday with a battery (the only thing wrong with Betsy was the battery) to listen to her run. He and his wife came by Sunday morning and once he took her around the block and listened to her they decided it was a good match.

You see, they do derby. And once I got to thinking about it, the fact that Momma's car is going to be turned into a little badass brawler was extremely fitting and made me smile. But, watching them actually load it up on their trailer and drive away.... watching them take my Momma's car.... that was hard.

Not even just hard, it was.... painful. I know it seems silly, but I'd be telling lies if I said I didn't cry. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, so I tried to hold it back until I was alone, but the tears were most definitely pushing through.

In all honesty, I'm still incredibly sad about it. I know that it was something that needed to be done, and I know that Momma would be proud and would have insisted that I do it, but that doesn't make it any easier. Nothing makes any of this entire process easier.... and I do mean nothing.

But, as my Momma's daughter, I have to try.

2019 films. (Part II).

I started a tradition back at the end of 2016 suggesting all of my favorite films that I would recommend that I had viewed throughout the year. This evolved into three consecutive lists in 2017, two in 2018, and after falling off the wagon with it a bit, a catch up for 2018 and 2019 of sorts detailing the movies that I viewed (spanning four months at a time), which ones were my favorites, and the ones I would steer clear of again.

I figured I would keep that tradition going, because I'm looking for anything and everything to keep my mind busy and my anxiety at a minimum. Rambling tends to do that and even though it doesn't help in the long run, it helps in short spurts. 

Catch up from 2016.
Catch up from 2017: Part I, Part II, Part III.

Catch up from 2018: Part I, Part II.
Catch up from 2018/2019: Part I.

July's films: Captain Marvel, Wonder Woman, Miss Bala, Wish Upon, Mortal Engines, Wheelman, Fifty Shades of Black, Pet Sematary(2019), Jurassic Galaxy, CHIPS, The Accountant, Crocodile Dundee, Shazam (even though this one doesn't necessarily count, because I was fading in and out of consciousness.... what I saw of it was cute though), Mission Impossible III, Secret Obsession, Point Blank, Next, Into the Blue 2: The Reef, The Last Airbender, Hellboy(2019).

My favorite: There were SO MANY good ones this month. It's actually pretty hard to choose my favorite, because the list is long, but I'm gonna go with.... Point Blank. I know that we watched some real "big name" movies this go around, and while I loved them, there was just something about this lower budget Netflix Original that got me! It was amazing and should be watched by all right now. Least favorite of the month: There's absolutely no damn doubt in my mind.... Fifty Shades of Black. I'm usually a sucker for those "spoof" movies, but I seriously couldn't even stand this one. I disliked it so much that I just turned it off and didn't even finish it. And I hate saying that, because I love Marlon Wayans.

July's rewatched from years gone by: The Shallows, The Hangover, Power Rangers(2017), Deep Blue Sea.

August's films: Deep Blue Sea 2, American Loser, Unlocked, Inglourious Basterds, War Dogs, The Legend of Tarzan, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, Detective Pikachu, Avengers: Endgame, Empire State, The Visit, The Girl in the Spider's Web, Blockers, Escape Room, 31, Braven.

My favorite: Once again, there were quite a few movies this month. What can I say? I'm a giant movie buff and I LOVE adding to my movie collection. Even though I didn't buy any movies this month, I had a couple that I had in the past and hadn't watched yet. Between that, the library, Netflix, and Vudu (did you know you can watch some movies for free? They have ads, but you can watch them!), it's pretty easy to get ahold of some that were new (well, "new" to me). And out of all these films, I'm going to go with.... Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. It's hilarious and Adam Devine never fails to crack me the hell up. Least favorite of the month: As far as my least favorite, I gotta choose.... Empire State. It wasn't a terrible movie or anything, but I just didn't care for it. It was slow paced and not all that interesting. Sure, we finished it, and while it wasn't terrible, it's not one I'll watch again.

August's rewatched from years gone by: Clash of the Titans, Ghostbusters(2016), Desperado, Without a Paddle, 21 Jump Street, That’s My Boy, 22 Jump Street, Deepwater Horizon, Grown-Ups 2, Eurotrip.

September's films: The Taking of Pelham 123, MIB: International, Ma, Sextuplets, John Wick 3: Parabellum, Snatched.

My favorite: While it got terrible reviews, and they say it was a box office bomb (although I'm not really sure how that works since the budget was between 94-100 million and it made 253.7 million, but whatever) I'm going with.... MIB: International. I'm a 90s/early 00's kid through and through, and while I love the originals (old school Will Smith and legend Tommy Lee Jones!), I still rank this one up there in my would watch again many times category. Least favorite of the month: I was sad with how disappointing this movie was for me.... Ma. I love Octavia Spencer and the movie wasn't terrible or anything, it had some great parts, but it just wasn't as "scary" or "creepy" as I had been hoping. I would still say you should watch it, at least once, but once was enough for me.

September's rewatched from years gone by: The Expendables 3, Labor Day, Daybreakers, The Predator(2018), Lockout, Wrong Turn, Dark Shadows.

Tv series I've finished: Grace and Frankie (S1-5, again), MacGyver (S1), The Vampire Diaries (S1-2), Shameless (S7-9), The Ranch (S7), The Blacklist (S6), The Night Shift (S1-2).

Stand-up I've finished: Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones.

Audiobooks that I've given a try (some I finished, some not so much): Bird Box (Josh Malerman), Waiting to Be Heard (Amanda Knox), Fifty Shades of Grey (EL James), The Boy Who Sneaks in My Bedroom Window (Kirsty Moseley), Night (Elie Wiesel), Pieces of Her (Karin Slaughter), The Fault in Our Stars (John Green), Inside Out (Demi Moore).