Friday, August 11, 2017

My brother is about to be a dad. (Part III).

Actually, my brother has been a dad (and I've been an aunt, I guess?) for almost six months now, but I started out with this whole "my brother is ABOUT to be a dad" posting and now there's no turning back for me.

Catch up on Part I here and Part II here.

All caught up now?! Good.... because I have some complaining things I would like to talk about when it comes to this whole "having a nephew" thing. And I know people are usually very excited about this whole "having a baby around" thing, but I'm a horrible person and just don't care for it at all.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like this particular baby or don't love him or anything, but.... how do I explain this without sounding like even more of a dick than I already do? I thought having a baby around would be.... more fun, I guess?!

Actually I don't even really know what I mean, because it's hard to explain. Let me start over.... my brother sends me around the clock pictures/videos/facetime calls with Gabby front and center. I mean, I get it, he's proud of his kid and all.

But.... I don't think I need to see EVERYTHING that he does. Why? Because he doesn't really do anything. Afterall, he IS a baby (he'll be six months old on the first of next month) and at this point he only knows like three tricks. Yes, I know he's not a dog, BUT aren't babies supposed to be just a more fragile version of a puppy?!

No?! Oomph, I didn't see that one coming.
Is thinking your nephew is cute NOT enough?!!

The point is, my brother sends me constant videos of Gabby.... and he's always doing the same thing (staring into the video and on occasion making a random burp sound). And then he sends me pictures of every little detail of his life.... and he's always doing the same thing (staring at something and looking really confused). And then he Facetimes me and wants me to stare at Gabby while he does whatever trick my brother and his girlfriend are convinced that he can do.... even though he's ALWAYS doing the same thing (again, staring at someone/something looking super confused and on occasion making a burping sound). And let's not mention the pictures he sends me that have Snapchat filters on them and they freak me the hell out (because I've usually had quite a few drinks by the time I receive them). Every once in awhile you'll get a laugh (or nap) out of him, but that's about it.

I'm not trying to sound like an ass or anything, but most people that know me know that I'm not "huge" on the whole baby thing to begin with.... like, I get that y'all want them and love them, but my anxiety levels and looming sarcasm don't seem to really let me in on the phenomenon that is babies.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?! The answer is yes.... but for so many other reasons other than this. I guess what I'm trying to get at is: Bro, I know you love your kid (and that's great, you're supposed to!), but I don't need to stare at him do nothing. Holler at me when he can start pouring drinks or cleaning toilets.... now that I'll find exciting!!

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Why they gotta do me like that?!

I'm about three weeks into this whole having a legit driver's license thing (yes, we've established that I'm late to the party and blah blah), and FINALLY received my actual license in the mail.

Can y'all believe that they give you a temporary paper one and you have to wait forever and a day for the laminated one?! They used to make that shit (and actual plates) right there and it took a total of like fifteen minutes.

And now I sound old as shit. MOVING ON.


While most people are usually excited when they receive their licenses (I am), I also knew what that nasty little picture on it looked like.... so, I wasn't exceptionally good with it. Does anyone actually look good on their driver's license? You know, besides probably Kate Beckinsale?! Asking for a friend.

What does it look like?! Well, they had to retake my picture about seven times, because their machine was broken and it wouldn't read my image (how ugly do you have to be before even a government issued machine is like "nah, bruh"?) and the girl that was taking my photo and I couldn't stop laughing (and I was blind from (a)not being able to wear my glasses and (b) from having a fluorescent bulb go off in my face eight times).... for those reasons, I knew it was going to be a doozy.

And dude, was I right.

Furthermore, did y'all know that they put your weight on your driver's license?! Rude. I don't need Brenda behind the cash register at the liquor store judging me while I'm buying my whiskey. Seriously, I go in there and she's all "you're in here at least four times a week" and I replied with, "well, so are you, BRENDA" and she made sure to let me know, "well, I work here" and I had to throw back at her, "QUIT BEING SUCH A SNOB, BRENDA." And while that probably has more to do with my slight drinking problem, I'm going with she's judgy, because they put your weight on your license.... because I'm an adult, and it helps (no, it doesn't). It is pretty hilarious to see my "grown up/adult license" say that I'm only five foot though.

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Sprouse twins are all grown up (and I ain't mad about it).

Remember those pesky Sprouse twins? (Let's be honest, they always kicked Jonathan Lipnicki's ass in the little cutie department). Let's talk about them for a minute or two.... or however long, because today is their twenty-fifth birthday.

While I've been #TeamSprouse in general for quite a few years (I'm only 2.5 years old than them, so it's almost like I grew up watching them?), at some point people say you have to "pick a favorite." I don't really think that I can do that (and why would I want to?).... but I'll talk about them either way.

What have they been up to lately? You know, besides cracking me up with Twitter Feuds (and I don't even know anything about Twitter- Cole here, Dylan here) and acknowledging that Dylan is, in fact, fifteen minutes older than Cole (and I love how often he throws it up, because I have a guy friend that I'm exactly ten days older than and I have loved giving him shit about it our entire lives and it literally never gets old.... to me. He would probably like to smack me by now *twenty years later*).


If you've been around here for a minute or two, then you already know that Cole has been playing my favorite character- Jughead- on the ever popular/my new favorite show- Riverdale. Other than acting in this show (and owning it) he's a genuinely impressive photographer. If you don't believe me, go check out his photos on his Instagram page and see for yourself. Social media has come a long way in the last few years and people are using it to not only debut their work, but to build a steady fanbase for said work. And if you're not a fan of his acting you're wrong you might just become a fan of his skills with the lense. If neither of those tickle your fancy you're wrong you're more than welcome to check out his modeling.... photos of him tend to have some kind of old school/rebel without a cause vibe to them.... somewhere between James Dean, Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker, and 90s Leo DiCaprio. And that is nothing but a good thing.

While they both took time off from acting to attend NYU (impressive, much?), Dylan took a little longer to return to the field of acting than his brother did. He even took up working as a host in a restaurant, and while some people condemned him for it and couldn't quit spreading rumors that he had "lost all of his money" and was working in a "deeming service industry position"(why in the hell would someone do that?), he took it all in stride, saying: "To clear up the air (which is admittedly pretty rude), I did not take this job because I 'lost all my money', I am financially secure, and took this job as a way to primarily feed my over bountiful video game addiction…. I feel most comfortable when I'm working and doing something, to criticize someone of that is pretty odd. I will potentially return to acting someday, but in no way do I think any experience is a step down for me, but rather a new step in another direction."

Side note: I had to Google these guys, because I felt kind of weird about having as crush on the kids from the movie- Big Daddy. Luckily, I learned that they're only about 2.5 years younger than me.... so, now I only feel mildly strange and like a predator. (Buzzfeed tried to make me feel better about it).

Back in 2013, some photos of Dylan were "leaked" (also, we're using this whole term "leaked" too loosely these days).... by an ex-girlfriend.... and it was said to have ruined his "Disney image." Ruined his "Disney image?" Y'all do realize that one of this/these guys' first roles was as an orphan that named himself Frankenstein, swallows his own spit (after first seeing how far he can let it stretch out), "screws over" Microsoft, and trips people with sticks.... right?! Calm down, people don't stay ten forever. Besides, if it was a female whose ex-boyfriend "leaked" the photos, people would say that she is a "victim" but because he's a dude he's not? Bullshit. (Although, watching his brothers reaction to it is hilarious and I'm glad they can joke about in the long run). And no, I'm not trying to get into an argument about the whole men/women/victim/anything like that argument right now.... another day, perhaps.

Nothing needs to be said more than- Twitter Feuds.

While I love Cole (and Juggie!) and his engaging photography, the fact that Dylan is opening a meadery in Brooklyn and could literally make enough alcohol to get me consistently drunk for however long my little heart desires (as the youngest Brew Master in the US) is pretty impressive.

So.... can I just hang out with both of them and be lifelong friends?!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Yeah, if y'all could go ahead and just release the second season of Stranger Things.... that would be great.

Back in August 2016 I watched that show- Stranger Things. And by "watched" I mean, I binge-watched the shit out of that show and was immediately sad that there weren't more episodes. Like, how y'all (The Duffer Brothers/Netflix) gonna do that to a girl?! Can't you just release it earlier like- SURPRISE?!!

Y'all, WHAT HAPPENED TO ELEVEN?!!

Thankfully, they are bringing out another season.... BUT it doesn't release until the Friday before Halloween of this year (10/27). Guess what this chick will be doing the weekend before Halloween?! That's right, I'll be streaming (which really isn't all that different from any other of my weekends.... moving on). Besides, Halloween is on a Tuesday this year and that's just dumb.


With the first trailer officially released, there are many questions that we all (mainly just me though) need answered as quickly as possible. As in, give us the second season RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT. (Also, I'm still SUPER psyched that it's all good to Winona again.... even though I never stopped #womancrushwednesday). I've decided to rewatch the first season again to make sure that I'm all "caught up" and not forgetting anything for when the second season comes out!!

Can y'all believe that Danielle had to practically yank my hair out to get me to watch this show in the first place?! It's not that I had anything against it, but I usually just try to avoid shows that people are 100% gung-ho about.... ie, Once Upon A Time, Grey's Anatomy, Game of Thrones, etc. But once I watched the first episode.... there was no turning back.

About those questions that I need answered going into the second season:

1. So.... Hopper 100% left those Eggos' in that box in the woods at the end of season one, but.... why does Hopper know she's out there?, is she actually out there?, and what kind of shit is he getting into with these bad scientist bitches? Like, is he doing it to protect the town?, is he doing it to try to bring his daughter back?, and what exactly is it that he is doing? Because I keep asking if he's doing "it" for various reasons, but I don't seem to be able to grasp the "it."

2. WHY did Nancy still choose Steve over Jonathan?! Yeah ok, maybe everybody thinks that Steve redeemed himself, and I'd be lying if I said the dude didn't have majestic hair, but COME ON.... him swinging a bat does not change the fact that he allowed his friends to call Nancy a slut (basically agreeing with them) and being horrible to Jonathan, because he was "upset." And yeah, Jonathan was creepy taking Nancy picture through a window, but it's not like he stalked her there.... he just happened upon her and took the girl he had a crush on picture. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

3. Speaking of Nancy/Jonathan/Steve.... how is Nancy gonna pretend like she doesn't like Jonathan "like that" even a little bit? Girl, you asked him to crawl up into your bed with you so you could feel safe, quit playing. Sure, Steve was the "safe bet" for your days going forward, but it wasn't him that you wanted/needed for comfort. Nor was it him that was there for you throughout the Upside Down, and sure he wasn't there and didn't know what was happening, but WHATEVER STEVE HARRINGTON YOU'RE A LIFE RUINER. #TeamJonathan

4. There are more kids like Eleven, right?! Like, I know they're not as cool as her and I'm not going to love them the same, BUT they exist? Or did they all get murdered by the bad guys?! If they are still alive and not murdered by those creepy ass lab/government guys.... where are they? Are they still at the lab? Has the lab taken more precautions so that they don't escape like Eleven did? Why does nobody know these things and pay attention in this damn town?!

5. Will is currently puking up slugs, so he's obviously not "ok" but how bad is he?! Like, on a scale of 1-10 is HE an Eleven?! Things don't look too promising in the second season promos for Baby Byers, but how bad are we talking here? Is it a PTSD thing? Is it a recurring nightmare thing? Is it a "they can suck me back into the Upside Down with telekinesis only" thing? How bad are we talking here?!

6. How was NO ONE suspicious of this Hawkins Laboratory?! Y'all I get that it's a tiny Indiana town, and as someone who lives in Indiana (heart of the midwest) I get it.... but I wasn't raised in Indiana, I was raised in Tennessee in a town that is actually about the same size as the fictional "Hawkins, Indiana" and you can't do ANYTHING in that town without suspicion and whispers. When the Nestle Water Plant moved into our town, people literally thought a cult was moving in and it was a government conspiracy for almost six months. SIX. I call bullshit on none of these people being suspicious.

7. Is there something worse than the Demogorgon lurking out there?! You know, besides the Kardashians?! Because let's be honest, they're worse than anything that the Demogorgon is spitting out. What else is there lurking in the darkness? Sure, the Demogorgon was (is?) bad, but I'm still not 100% convinced that there was something else stalking Nancy when her and Jonathan got separated for that time. IS THIS STEVE'S FAULT TOO?!

8. This takes place in November 1983 (the second season will pick up in October 1984), so are we going to get a bunch of seasons all leading up and into the 90s? Are we going to skip years and do time jumps? Is this show going to last forever (YES)? Now that Sean Astin is part of the cast are we going to get some iconic Mikey lines once we get to 1985?!

9. Speaking of Sean Astin.... what is his new character and could I love his addition to the cast anymore?! The fact that they have yanked up Sean Astin, king of my little 80s heart, to portray anything in this show just makes me love it more. So, will he be pulling out his Goonies roots to tap into this role and help out?! *see question eight*

10. Will Mike, Lucas, and Dustin (ok fine, and Will) find out that El is around sooner rather than later?! Like, they met her at the very end of the first episode of the first season, so are they going to run into her pretty quickly or are they going to make us wait forever and a day?! MIKE CAN'T TAKE THIS KIND OF STRESS.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

This past Sunday (7/30) was my big brother's birthday.

I don't know if y'all remember my only sibling or not.... but he just turned thirty-one and my jokes are only getting better with his age. I don't think thirty-one is old AT ALL.... except when it involves him. (So. Many. Jokes.).

With age for him has come many things. However, the capacity to do laundry, take out the trash, mow the lawn, vacuum, cook, flush the toilet, and other household chores/regular shit that adults do apparently aren't any of those "acquired" things that he seems to have picked up. He does kind of creak when he stands up too quick or has been sleeping for awhile, so that's kind of fun (for me).

He was off on his birthday this year and while his girlfriend took him out for a bit, they left the baby with us (against my will and I did not agree to it).... and it was a bit difficult. But, whatever, I did my sisterly duty for the decade day and he better not try to pull that shit again. (I'm watching you, dude).
I would like to share with you some stories about all the love and affection that my family showers upon people on their birthdays every year.... but that's not how we roll. Instead, we prefer to harass you for an entire day and proceed to drink. Which isn't all that different from any other day, but we tell you that we're doing it "in your honor" so you can feel special while pickling our livers.

Also, I was taking trash out and trying to figure out where all of the laundry in the basket had come from (I did ALL of the laundry yesterday when I got home from work) at 2:50 this morning and I'll give you two guesses where it all of the mess came from. But you'll only need the one guess, because IT WAS HIM.

He seems to have enjoyed his day and we were all grilling out anyways (his, my aunt, and my cousins birthdays are all within like three days of each other).... not to mention Ashley caught the grill on fire and that shit was hilarious. And then we all wished happy birthdays and took naps (because of the drinking).... in his honor, of course.

So.... here's to you (three days late), big bro. I love you, but seriously.... flush the f*cking toilet.