One year.

On this day, one year ago, I lost the greatest person that I have ever known. That morning was the last time I hugged her and told her I love her. My best friend, my confidant, my go-to, my horror movie buddy, my lifeline, my heart.... my Momma.

It seems unreal to me that she's not here with me anymore. Even though it's been a year, I still find myself everyday wanting to talk to her, send her a message, tell her something funny, or basically just share our everyday lives together. I catch myself still talking to her in our house and am devastated all over again when I realize that I am just talking to myself.

There are no words to describe what I feel.

Sadness: because she's not here and even now I don't really know what to do with myself. Whenever I had a problem she was the first person I went too. Anytime I had a story to tell she was the first one to hear it. But now, I find myself still wanting to share every aspect of my life with her and she's not here.

Anger: mostly, because she's not here. But also, because I still haven't been able to deal with this. She raised me to be a strong person, it was entwined in our DNA, and I swear I used to be incredibly strong. I used to be able to take the hits and keep on pushing through. And with all other things, I am still like that. With this though, I break. I'm broken.

Guilt: while I know she would want me to move on with my life and live it to the fullest and be happy, I feel guilty moving on without her. I feel like if I'm happy for even two minutes that it's somehow betraying her and the life we had planned out. I often wonder if she knew how much I loved her and how lost I am without her.

But all of these do not even begin to encompass how I feel. Hell, even I don't know how I feel most of the time. Mostly, I just try to take it day by day and hope for the best.

Here I stand, trying. I've been trying. I'm mostly struggling.... and I think on some level, possibly even failing. But trying, just like my Momma taught me.

"No daughter and mother should ever live apart, no matter what the distance between them." -Christie Watson

You.... I have so many questions and not so many answers right now.

I started watching that show "You" on Netflix and.... holy shit. I had it on my queue forever, but didn't start watching it until Aunt Susi texted me to tell me that she was starting season two and it was something that I just had to watch. Actually, she told me that it reminded her of something that I would like and I don't know what that says about me as a person, but I decided to go with it and give it a try.

And damn dude, I'm only on episode five and it's blowing my damn mind. I have so many questions. Like, how many people does this kind of thing happen to? I'm guessing quite a few, but that's probably just the years of Criminal Minds ingrained into my brain. How does this woman not see the "convenient" things happening around her? I know he's a stalker, but why are her friends also the f*cking worst? This gal is dumb and can't catch a break. Also, Benji? Bluck.

Is she going to find out that Joe is insane and obsessed with her? Is Paco going to be ok? Is Peach going to die? Is Ron going to die?! (No love loss for either of those). WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?!!?! All I know is, Aunt Susi has officially gotten me hooked into this show and now I can't stop until I know what happens.

Also, I read online that people are "obsessed" with Joe Goldberg and think that he is some sort of "knight in shining armor" or "dreamboat" and I just want to say, y'all I understand the lure of Penn Badgley, but are you f*cking insane? This dude is a lunatic!! Seriously, if this is what you want, you need some serious help and probably should talk to somebody.

I may be addicted to gambling, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

I recently decided that I would like to have an Ipod, because I want to make an extreme playlist for mine and D's upcoming roadtrip to FL in March. I decided on an Ipod Touch, because I have one of those, although it's super old and I can't seem to find it anywhere.

In all fairness, it's probably in a random box/tote somewhere in my shed.... or other shed.... or garage.... or spare bedroom. Yeah, I'm a bit of a hoarder, BUT MOVE ON.

The point is, I want this thing and I want it to have a shit ton of GB's (like, 128?), because as I said EXTREME PLAYLIST. I looked all over Amazon and Best Buy and finally stumbled upon eBay where I found a fairly new one with the GB's I'm looking for, for around $68.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a "buy now" option for this one (and Momma ain't trying to spend no $200-$300, because f*ck that), so I had to resort to bidding. The bid was set at $67, so I did $68.... I got an email a couple of hours later that informed me that somebody had outbid me by $1, so I upped mine to $69.... and then, somebody had the audacity to take it to $70.

Like, wtf dude?! Don't you see I'm on a mission and trying to get this so I can make this EXTREME PLAYLIST and live my life?!!?!

So now, I have resorted to making skilled plans and trying to determine how long I can let this go until I submit a final bid right at the countdown so I can win. I have never done anything like this before in my life, but the fact is, I really want to win this to the point I'm strategizing and making notes. I'm even thinking about putting the app on my phone so that I can keep up with the process in the middle of the f*cking night. UPDATE: I totally put the app on my phone.

Y'all, I might have a bit of a problem at this point. Or, maybe it's healthy (probably not)?! Who knows, all I know is I'll check back in once I win/lose. And if I lose, I'm gonna be real pissed off, because this is my first time "gambling" and I'm starting to see how people develop a problem?! And, I know that there are other ways to make a playlist and I probably don't even need an Ipod, or I could just man up and clean out two sheds, a garage, and a back bedroom to find my old one, but I think we can all just admit that it's not about the Ipod at this point.

UPDATE: I f*cking won!! Ok, maybe I didn't win the one I was originally going for (some tramp beat me at the two second mark), but I definitely won a go around and my Ipod is currently being shipped to me! And sure, I may have a bit of a gambling problem, but with all of my other problems, I can just add it to the list and keep going.

I finally made D his birthday cake.... three days later. 🎂

There's been some sickness going on around our house lately. D was down for an entire week, while Dani sent me home from work on Friday, because she didn't want the plague. Her words, not mine.

So Friday, which happened to be D's 30th birthday, was spent curled up in the bed/couch, coughing, slurping down meds, and watching The Walking Dead, because honestly that would have been an improvement for us.

Luckily, we're feeling better now, but it kind of sucks that we didn't get to go out and celebrate his birthday for him. Afterall, I hear that 30 is a big one. I did however, make him his German Chocolate birthday cake.... three days late, just like he wanted.

I had the realization that I am that (almost) thirty year old.

Saturday was a real peaceful day. D and my brother both had to work, so it was just me and the pups at home. I ended up cleaning our house, catching up on laundry, setting stuff out for supper to defrost, having some wine, and watching I, Tonya with the pups. It was laid back and relaxing.

Then.... oh, then. When D and my brother got home from work they informed me that they had invited a friend of theirs from work over that evening. I was a little annoyed (because I like being home alone), but decided that if it was one friend then it wouldn't be all that bad. He could just eat supper with us and then they could go into my brother's room and play video games or something and leave me the hell alone.

But, I was very very wrong. You see, one friend of theirs turned into.... one friend and his girlfriend.... and two other friends of said dude. They just all showed up, ranging from the ages of 19-21 and I wanted to pull my f*cking hair out. They were nice enough, but like I said, I like to be home alone.

Have y'all ever been (almost) thirty and hung out with 19-21 year olds? If not, I'm gonna go ahead and let you in on a little secret.... DON'T F*CKING DO IT. I almost had to double up on my anxiety meds. They ended up needing to crash at our house that night (the actual friend had to work the next morning) and then we had to have this conversation:

Me: Well, y'all should probably head home, it's getting pretty late.
Him: It's ten o'clock.
Me: Yeah, but you have to open the store in the morning.
Him: Yeah, but since I open the store and work tomorrow, I only need about an hour of sleep.
Me: Well, I have to work the day after tomorrow and I need to start sleeping for it right now.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep for shit that night (I never do when there are other people in our house) and I was up at six o'clock the next morning cleaning our house. Then, I had to have a day of (almost) thirty by shopping at Sam's Club, sewing, and watching tv while drinking wine. See, now that's how I like my days to go.

Now, here I am back at work on a Monday morning, actually happy that I'm doing some adulting. Sure, I'd rather be at home cleaning and with my pups, but the fact that I'm not surrounded by children (yes, teens/early twenty year olds are considered children by me) is very nice.

I'm going to tell my brother not to be inviting people over anymore like that. Sure, I want them to have fun, but I also want my house calm and in one f*cking piece.... and not smelling like body odor and vomit. Seriously, when did the generation after me decide that showering wasn't a thing? Uck.

And if my brother doesn't listen.... I'm gonna have to punch him in the d*ck.

I'm trying to have houseplants (they're supposed to help) and I have four.

On my quest for being one of those people that actually has some houseplants, Aunt Susi was sweet enough to bring me a couple of baby spider plants to add to my little collection. ❤️🌿❤️🌿 

I officially have four plants to care for now (two from Aunt Susi + two from our Company Christmas Party a few weeks ago), and I'm trying like hell to keep them alive and well. 

The first two I got were the little trees that Dani had gotten for our Company Christmas Party this year and I ended up taking them home (we give out all decorations at the end of the party every year) and I switched them from the "holiday" pots that they came in to regular pots.

Speaking of Dani.... I guess technically I have five plants if you count the succulus that she had given me months ago (I believe it was around May?). Even though, I don't know what I have done to it and it is more like just a greenish stick at this point?

I'm not sure why I decided that I wanted to start having a couple of plants, because as most people know, I have a black thumb and hate doing yard work.... but, I decided that if they were something I cared for in the house, that I would be ok with it. 

I heard somewhere (or maybe I read it) that having houseplants can be therapeutic? And while I don't know if that's true or not, I figured it was worth a shot. Dogs + houseplants seems like something that would help with your depression and anxiety, right? Hell, maybe not. Maybe I'm just crazy and trying to grab onto anything I can to stay afloat, but it certainly can't make it any worse, so I'm going to give it a try.

We started watching The Walking Dead from the beginning (again).

And damn, it is a whole lot to take in.

D and I recently started watching The Walking Dead. We tend to pick shows to “binge” together and since he refuses to rewatch The 100 with me (he wants to wait until the final season comes out and binge it again all at once), and we/I've finished countless others, we figured TWD was a good choice and hell, there are so many seasons it will keep us occupied for awhile.

I started this show once and made it to the beginning of season five ffooorrreeevvvveeeerrrrr ago. D started it and made it to somewhere in season three. We decided to start over and watch it from the beginning together. 🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️

We're currently a little over halfway through season two (we start episode nine next) and already, I'm convinced that our combined commentary is one of the best parts of us watching this together. 

With that being said, it’s been so long since I watched that I have forgotten quite a bit. Sure, I remember the “big” events, but I have forgotten a lot of the little things.

Like, how much I f*cking hate Andrea with a passion. 
And Lori.

Or, how hilarious Daryl is on a regular redneck basis.
Let us not forget how adorable Baby Glenn+Maggie are.

How Shane was a true psychopathic asshole.... but also, people around him didn't exactly help with that?

Let's be honest, Hershel was the worst in the beginning (don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some Scott Wilson and end up loving Hershel, but even you have to admit, he was an ass in the beginning).

I totally forgot Jim and Jacqui existed?
And how much of a gross asshole that Philadelphia guy (Tony?) from the bar was.

Who knows how far we will make it this time around.... hopefully all the way through, since I have made several attempts and have failed each time. But, D and I are usually pretty good at watching shows all the way through if we can both get into them.

I rang in the "new year" with as little effort as humanly possible.

Everyone that knows me knows that 2019 was just not my year on any level. While there were a couple of "happy moments" (ie: I got engaged, I paid off excessive bills and my Aunt Mary, etc.), there was also alot of nasty things that happened in those twelve months (I lost my Momma, have been battling depression, lost multiple other family members, etc.).

Let's just say, that I wasn't exactly sad to see 2019 go.

But now, here we are in the new year that is 2020, and if I hear one more "vision" joke about it, I'm going to scream. Seriously, with every new year comes jokes and memes and honestly, I kind of miss the days where there was nothing but Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve and banging on pots and pans to let you know that the new year had arrived.

I'm not one of those "go out of New Years Eve, get drunk, and party" kind of people. I'm more of a "stay at home, get drunk, and pass out before midnight" kind of people. And, that's exactly what I did. I would love to tell you that I pulled through and kissed my sweetie at midnight, but honestly, I fell asleep somewhere around 11:15 and even though he woke me up, I passed back out before that sparkly bell dropped.

The next day (New Years Day) was spent relaxing at home. D and I were lucky in the fact that we were both off of work, and spent the day watching tv like My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, Zombieland: Double Tap and Joker, making beef jerky, and generally just not doing shit. Just the way I like it and how I run my life. And now, we see what 2020 holds. Good luck, my friends. Let's hope for a better tomorrow than yesterday and all that is and was in between.