Time isn't real and 2023 is creeping like a three-part Netflix documentary.

I've essentially felt like I've been in a time warp since the Friday before Christmas... so... December 23rd?! I've basically just decided that between that time and this coming Monday (ie: the day after the first of the year and my final day of the last three day weekend I'll have for awhile) time means nothing and we're pretending to live in a calm and serene bubble. 

Worrying about what will be and what is and what's going to sounds like a fucking 2023 Katie problem and I stand behind that reasoning. Sure, I'm doing all the things required of my adult life (work... ok, I'm just going to work, that's all), but I've decided I like having a carefree and oohsah attitude, so I think I want to keep it moving forward.

And in the spirit of keeping with that trend, I'm going to tell you a random story. Fact? Statement? Whatever.

I should probably start this out by saying D and I fell asleep at like eight thirty last night, but I was awake by eleven thirty, got up, took a shower, did dishes, and proceeded to not sleep for the next... until my alarm went off this morning, D also tossed and turned all night (when one of us can't sleep the other can feel it... or something). By the time my alarm went off I was reading a book on my Kindle and D rolled over and we proceeded to watch Tiktok videos together until well after six.

Once we rolled out of bed and I did the bare minimum to make myself presentable for the human population... we proceeded to stand in our kitchen talking while I made my coffee and he essentially made me feel better about having to deal with people that aren't him or our pups today.

Before I tell you what D said and how I laughed and knew it was beyond accurate, I feel like there needs to be a little context for you to understand this. I believe that our relationship is so loving and fun, because we're the best of friends along with being together. And I know people say their significant other is their best friend all the time, but when I say it, I legitimately mean it. He truly is my best friend and I could spend 25/8 with him and be perfectly fine with it. Unhealthy and codependent? Absolutely. Do I give a shit? Not even one.

With this level of friendship also comes our constant honesty. Neither one of us are under the impression that we're perfect. We both have our faults and where one slacks the other picks it up. It's not a problem for us, because all the things I hate doing he does and all the things he hates I don't mind doing. Sure, we like to tease each other about it, but neither of us truly care to do it for the other. We know our strengths and weaknesses and love each other for them. How boring would it be if everybody did the same things all the time without fail? Ugh.

So... while D has been home alone with the pups all day, he's been cleaning and organizing and basically doing all of the things we've been talking about needing done around the house that we just keep putting off.

Why do we keep putting them off? Well... because they're all things that are not "difficult" projects but are "time consuming" projects. Which means we can't really do them after work... because my anxiety will not allow me to shut off my brain until a project is completed once it's been started... but would default to weekend projects. Honestly, once the weekend rolls around we want to spend time together doing fun things or resting from the hard ass week not do adult projects that make me want to pull my perfectly ridiculous hair out.

And yes, we both realize that every other person on the planet has to figure this shit out and make it work, but D and I have a very unique approach to our lives and the way we live them... another million explanations for a million other days.

Back to the point. So, D has been doing all these projects by starting them first thing in the morning and having them done by the time I'm home from work in the afternoons. Which means I get to see all the amazing results and the vision we've talked about a million times come to life, but I don't actually have to see or participate in the anxiety inducing clusterfuck of it all. If I'm being honest (which I often am... sometimes to a fault) I love that shit, dude. It has been the best and now all I can think about are the fun things I get to do, because all the boring shit is out of the way.

The garage? Taken care of. Apparently Trav is coming by this morning (that boy will show up at four o'clock this afternoon and pretend it's nine in the morning *cry laughter*) to help D load up and haul off all the stuff we know for a fact is garbage. Then all that will be left is going through the boxes and sorting through what we keep, what goes to my brother, what goes to other family members, and what gets thrown out. I know it sounds daunting (because it is), but some of this stuff I've been moving around with me my entire life and I've been avoiding it all for going on four years. I think it's time I stop avoiding and start dealing with the last piece I haven't started dealing with yet.

The kitchen? Amazing. That's all I have to say about it and he's not even done yet. He rearranged our shelving and reorganized the entire system... got rid of some things and revamped the rest. He's got our bottom shelves left and then it will all be done. All I'll have to think about is how I want to paint our cabinets when the time comes. *swoon*

In fact, he's done so much around the house and in general lately that I kind of just want to jump his bones all the time, because that shit is sexy without even meaning to be sexy. You know what I mean? Maybe I'm just reading too much smut on Kindle.

Anyways... while we were talking this morning we were discussing the things that are done and the next things he's going to start on (quite literally the only man on the planet I know that requested a "honey-do" list) and he said, 

"I know you don't really like change... especially when you have to deal with it... but I was hoping that with me doing it all you would like it."

Bro, write that on my fucking tombstone. If that isn't the most accurate description of my personality I don't know what is. I immediately started laughing which in turn made him start laughing and next thing I know I just felt good. He has that way. I don't know what he does or how he does it, but somehow and someway he just makes me feel... good. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Because it's the truth. I love absolutely everything he's done to the house/garage. It's incredible and so fun and cozy and basically a dream come true. It's both of our eclectic personalities coiled into one tiny little space and I am HERE FOR IT. 

But just the thought of doing it all had me nervous twitching like a tweaker. And he knew that. He knew that I would eventually do it, but as soon as I started it I was going to get overwhelmed and in my own head about it. The man just knows me too well. So... he did it. He did all the things that could be done without me directly being there and he'll help me with all the rest moving forward. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of support and love that I want to continue throughout not only the new year, but our lives together. 

I'm not perfect. So far from it I can't even see it as a blip in my rearview... and he not only knows that but accepts it and loves me for it. We love that we both acknowledge that we're human and we don't expect perfection out of each other. We only need and want love and understanding. We want to be together and live our lives our own way.

So yeah... I've been in a time warp for a week now... but I know once life catches back up and the anxiety and dauntingness that is the everyday starts creeping in that my husband will have my back and we'll keep doing it together. Because we truly are a pair now. You get one, you best be ready for the other, because we don't really like to do anything without the other.

Again, codependent? More than accurate. Do we care? Behold the field in which we grow our fucks... and see that it is barren.

It was a regular ole scene from Mad Max out there.

Y'all, it is frigid ass cold out here in these parts and my hubby and I are battering down for the count!

With the temperature being a "scorching" -10° and the wind velocity increasing by the minute and essentially making it feel as if it's -32° you could say that shit is getting a bit serious. There's snow and ice everywhere and quite honestly, I just want to wear sweatpants and thermal socks and not leave our house for the next... oh, I don't know... six months? Give or take... dependent upon our will towards the end.

D drove me into work this morning, because the roads (and weather in general) were questionable and if I'm being 100% real with you guys, it did not hurt my feelings at all to be chauffeured around in this ridiculousness.

We decided the highway was probably a better choice since it was so early and no roads had been cleared, but it didn't really matter, because they hadn't done anything for the highway either. Basically, D and I took the ice/snow covered highway with no way to see the lines and we hauled ass and were all over the place.

Why? Because it's not everyday you get to reenact a scene from Fury Road with your ride or die quite literally right next to you. We couldn't help ourselves. It had to be done. NO REGRETS.

Also, I totally ignored the fact that I'm the one who essentially taught my husband how to drive in snow and ice, because now that he knows how to deal with it, he feels the need to take care of me that way. And I'm not arguing, because I love that shit.

We finished all the errands we had and all the holiday shit is done (I think?), so if anybody needs us we will quite literally be hunkered down in our house with each other and our pups enjoying this holiday weekend and trying to stay at least lukewarm. 

Wish us luck and stay safe and warm out there, folks! Merry Christmas!!

I always say my husband wears his heart on his sleeve... now I do as well.

A reenactment of 7:00am. (Aka, my husband is the sweetest and best to me without even realizing it).

Looks everywhere for my glasses because apparently Velma is my blind ass spirit animal and I need coffee… finds them on hubby’s bedside table and realizes that I passed out with them on last night and he took them off so they wouldn’t get jacked up… visibly awes and tears up because that shit is sweet without him even meaning to be and I apparently have emotions in the early waking hours… debates on whether to wake him up smothered in kisses but thinks better of it because he’s the best man on the planet to me, but even I ain’t trying to wake up one of my MIL’s kids.

We do this to ourselves every year... because gluttons for punishment... or something along those lines.

Can we all take a moment to come to terms with how woefully unprepared I am for the upcoming holiday? Ie: CHRISTMAS. I'm not the only person on this struggle bus, right? I have a hard time believing that everyone has all of their Christmas shopping, baking, wrapping, and planning accomplished. 

I mean... it's only the 12th, so I still have plenty of time to accomplish all of our goals and not lose my hair in the process, right?

Guuuuuyyyyyyysssssss..... RIGHT?!!?!

The majority of everything we needed to "get" was accomplished this past weekend after a trip to Costco, a trip to Kroger, and a full Saturday evening (ok, not full because it was only like 45 minutes right before we went to sleep, but still!) spent perusing and ordering gifts from Amazon. 

Now I only have to get a gift for... Greg... and Gabriel... and Travis... and Danielle. Plus, we still have to make all of our "treats" and get those packaged and divided up. 

There still isn't a Christmas tree in our house. I got one out the weekend before last, hated it and put it back away. D and I tried to find our small one that we like, but we found literally every single tree except the one we were looking for. At this point, I really want to get a tree out for D, but I also don't want to deal with it at all.

Also, once I get that dump run I want to do accomplished we will no longer have like six Christmas trees. Another story for another day. 

Adding to that, I have no idea what we're doing in the way of Christmas dinner or celebration. I'm assuming it will be me + D + our pups as usual, but we haven't really talked about it and I don't necessarily want to bring it up even though I need to. 

Eh, potato tomato.

WAIT!! I do know what we're having for Christmas dinner. We got a small ham this weekend! So... we're doing ham, mashed taters, green beans, and rolls. Check that off the list!

As far as celebrating goes, we'll probably do presents in the morning, dinner in the afternoon, and dependent upon the weather, perhaps D will take me for a bike ride. Then maybe we can spend the rest of the day together riding the bike, playing chess, working on puzzles, hanging out with each other and our pups, and just enjoying the day.

Before that happens though, we need to get all the rest of this stuff done. (We started on jerky last night). This week will probably be full of treat making in the evening, because we would like to get this shit done and shipped... at least to his family. We have a couple extra days to get mine done.

At least I get to do all of this with my hubby by my side. I like that we enjoy different hobbies/interests together and enjoy spending so much time together. He truly is my best friend and I believe that this time of year would be extremely hard without him by my side. Actually, all times of the year. He's simply my comfort.

With this ever-growing list of goals that need conquered at least I got our Christmas cards printed and mailed out. Even though they weren't how I wanted them to be. I finally got to the point where I was annoyed with myself and was like just do it! They're not my favorite, but I do like them either way.

If you need me, I'll be elbow deep in flour and jerky seasonings. Merry Christmas!

This is random and means nothing to you, but it's hilarious to me.

The other day, hubby and I were talking about something... I can't even remember what... geez, how old am I getting? Either way, we were talking about something and you ever have one of those moments where you're like that doesn't mean what I think it means does it? 

Well... one of those moments was had and it cracked me up more than it probably should've.

D: "TITS FOR TOTS!"
Me: "..... ??? ..... ???"
D: "wait.... no.... that's not what I meant... ?? ... buuuu...."
Me: "......tit for tat?"
D: "TIT FOR TAT! THAT'S IT! That's what I meant! See... you got me! Soulmates."

And that ladies and gentlemen, is one out of the five bajillion reasons why I love this man. There's never a dull moment, he makes me laugh, and keeps me on my toes!

The holiday season is here and we're cold. Also, breakfast.

I don't want to be one of "those people" but have y'all felt the temperature outside lately? Holy fucking shit, it's subzero. Ok... maybe that's being a little bit dramatic, BUT it feels ridiculous to me. And also, I am dramatic. So... there's that.

This is the first year that Winter has ever bothered me. Usually I love and welcome it with open arms. Cuddly days and sweatpants? Hell yes. And I have to say, if I didn't have to be an adult and go out into the world... if I could just enjoy Winter from my house... I think I would still love it as much as what I always have.

However, 6:00am Katie feels very different about the weather considering she's dealing with the frigidness in the pitch black. I'm already over having freezing fingers and having to warm my car up. And it's only been a couple of weeks. D was over it before it even began and honestly, I get it.

But... we're not gonna let this get us down. Why? Because we're fucking tough, that's why... also, we don't really have a choice considering if we want to live our everyday lives we have to deal with it.

Tomato, potato.

Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow and what are our big plans? Well, in true us fashion, D and I will be at our house celebrating with our pups and I'm going to cook us a big brunch situation. The first couple of years I did a turkey, last year I did a roast, but this year we decided to go all out on breakfast foods. 

I know it's not traditional or anything like that, but why can't it be our new tradition?

That's how traditions are made, right? Somebody just thought of something one day and ran with it? If not, then I'm breaking tradition again and doing it anyways. I was going to cook a big dinner like always, but I somehow came up with the idea of a "brunch" situation (I think maybe I seen it on one of those random Netflix shows or my little buzzed ass was Tiktoking or something?)

Either way, I mentioned it as a possibly and D informed his mom Saturday on the phone that's what we were doing when she asked, so I'm assuming that's the go ahead on this plan? 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually really excited about it. D isn't a huge breakfast person, and doesn't even like biscuits and gravy (I KNOW and I was unaware of it until after we were married for over a year), so I don't usually cook breakfast foods. Which is insane, because it's my favorite. Sure, we'll have pancakes for dinner or something on occasion, or we might stop at Pana and pick up some donuts, but mostly we just don't have breakfast.

This time though? Y'all better be prepared because I am going all out. If I only get a giant breakfast spread once a damn year you best believe it's going to have EVERYTHING. Ok... maybe not everything. But, it will have all the shit we like.

And honestly, isn't that and being with people you love the most in the world the whole point of the holidays? Hence spending all of mine with D and our babies. 

Also, not for nothing, but this past weekend D and I got some winter gear and I officially have to wear three layers of clothing everywhere except in our house. Therefore, when my four day weekend gets here (starting after work tomorrow), I probably won't be seen out of the house much. Unless I'm on the back of D's bike.

Another story for another day. 

A little catchup on life in general and the daily struggles of mental health.

Life has been... I would like to say good, because it really does feel that way, but I also don't want to jinx myself or anyone around me either. I'm not sure what it is, but life has had a kind of calm around it lately. Things are very go with the flow and I find myself reflecting on memories or thoughts in a peaceful kind of way.

Don't get me wrong, there's every day normal stress... daily personal problems, work, health, financial. But, life in general has felt a bit serene. I find myself on edge less and it takes more than usual to make me panic.

Perhaps it has something to do with my surroundings... D and I finally managed to get our house and yard cleaned up. Don't get me wrong, more could definitely be done, but for the most part it's clean and doesn't look like a swarm of crackheads came through and had a field day. It actually looks like normal people live there... well, mostly normal people.

I don't think anyone would accuse us of being too normal. Or, normal at all really now that I think about it.

Also, I find "normal" to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not sure who decided what was appropriate and what wasn't, but the fact that we live our lives how we see fit and let ourselves be happy is good enough for me. I don't really care if other people don't find my way of life to be acceptable.

But yes, our house being clean was like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. It may sound insane, but I had so much anxiety that constantly ate at me when our house was a mess. 

And yet, I couldn't find any motivation to do anything about it. It was a real Catch-22 situation. I didn't like it a mess, but couldn't find the effort to do anything about it. Ironic, huh? It literally took me four hours to scrub our shower down.

FOUR. And don't get me wrong, it probably didn't need that thorough of a cleaning (yes, it did) and I could've probably stopped long before I did (no, it definitely needed all of the attention it got and probably then some), but it looks so much better now... and I feel so much damn better about it. 

I've talked about not cleaning or maintaining a house like Momma used to... I'm just not that person. I've thought about it, accepted it, and moved on. However, there are some things that are forever ingrained in my brain and while I may not keep house like her, I do still like to keep house. Or yet, I like having a kept house. It doesn't have to be perfect or immaculate, but it does have to be comfortable 

And I do like cleaning house... mostly. I find it comforting to toodle around mopping or cleaning... making sure laundry is caught up. Once everything is cleaned, the windows are open, and the candles/incense are lit, I'm at my most calm. Remember when I said I sometimes wake up early in the morning and stand in my kitchen with nothing but silence and coffee and contemplate the day ahead or my life in general? Well, it's even more peaceful surrounded by cleanliness and comfort items.

D did the entire back yard by himself and I am entirely impressed. He hacked down all the crazy tomato plants and vines that had taken over and put everything back in its rightful place. Even our firepit is standing at the ready to take out all the hang around stuff that shouldn't be there. He blew off the sidewalk and the pups are so damn thrilled. Spart and Xur love to run around and play in the openness and even little Tayderbug appreciates not having to scour the jungle looking for a place to pee.

We've been meaning to do this for quite some time, but always lacked the motivation to do so. I always joked with D that something like his mom coming to visit would have to happen before it actually got done. I mean, something would have to kick us in our asses to get the ball rolling, right? Well, something did apparently.

D's cousin, Travis, is staying with us for a bit. I love the guy like he's a little cousin or brother so when D said he needed a place to crash and asked if he could stay with us, I didn't mind at all. In the span of one day he... lost his job, house, fiancé and dog. Honestly, I'm just glad the guy has a newer truck, because I had a feeling it was going to be turning real 90s country love ballad soon. He started staying with us last Thursday (? I think it was Thursday) and it's been going real good. We don't mind having the company and we've seemed to find a somewhat routine with each other for now. D and I have a very calm and "hippie-esque" vibe about our lives and that's how we live it... and he seems to be ok with that and fit into it nicely. We all go about our own business, but also co-exist and hang out.

With that said, that's the motivation we needed. Trav is currently crashing in our spare room, so we rearranged to fit his stuff, but that also kickstarted our cleaning weekend. And honestly, I'm glad it did, because I love our house even more now. 

Other than that, we've just been relaxing and trying not to get too stressed about anything. D's been taking me for rides on his bike (and got me all decked out in gear-helmet, gloves, jacket) and it's something that we both have fun doing together. Between that and the random fishing trips we've been taking down at the river, life has just been... nice.

Cleaning, cooking, reading, relaxing... I know it all sounds ridiculous and you're wondering how any of that could possibly make me happy, but it does. Because I feel like me and I feel happy and I feel peaceful. I have an amazing, loving, caring, compassionate, adoring husband and three of the most adorable and loving pups that were ever put on this planet.

Sure, I have everyday stress and worries, we all do. I struggle with my mental health on a daily basis and there are times I feel so overwhelmed I don't know which way is up. I have moments or thoughts that are sad or unsettling, but I also have wonderful moments full of laughter and light. 

Things aren't perfect, they rarely ever are, but if this is the feeling I have for the rest of my life, I'll take it. Because while it may not be someone else's perfect, it feels pretty damn great to me.

“It’s not the length of time we knew someone that makes them so special. It’s what they brought into our lives.” –Sandra Kring

This past week (10/12-10/18), D and I made a trip to Florida to help out with and attend my FIL's (Dennis) Celebration of Life. The week was full of tears, laughs, love, understanding, questioning, and acceptance. 

Dennis was an amazing guy. The kind of man that didn't show up out of the blue too often. He was as firm as he was caring and once he had his mind set there was no turning him back. He stood true to his convictions and never faltered when it came to understanding and loving his family.

I've never met a man in all my life that was as stubborn and accepting as him. I know that makes absolutely no sense, but that's really the only way to describe him. When he had a thought or belief he held true to that but he was also able to see other peoples sides and accept that. Didn't mean he changed his mind or agreed with you at all. In fact, he'd argue with you until he was blue in the face and you were so exasperated you wanted to jump off a bridge. However, he was able to accept that people were going to live their lives how they saw fit and there was nothing he could do except offer advice, knowledge, and love.

And trust me when I tell you the man had more love to offer than any of us knew what to do with. 

I was very fortunate when I married D. I had heard horror stories my entire life about people and their in-laws never getting along. Some of the things people would tell me sounded completely unbelievable.

I knew I would never have issue with my MIL, because I love the woman like a second mother. I've known her since I was fifteen years old and she has always treated me as one of her own. Momma and her were good friends and I feel a peace and calm surrounded by love when I'm around her. No one could ever replace Momma in my mind or heart, but she has a way of showing me motherly love without trying to take the place of. She's honestly just amazing like that. 

However, when we got together I had only met his dad once (briefly when we were teens) and had never met his stepdad. I was nervous... but I didn't need to be. I have a unique relationship with each of his parents. Not unique in a bad way, but actually, quite the opposite. I'm completely comfortable and myself around them all the time. I never feel the need to hide myself or have fear that I'll say the wrong thing. His family has always just accepted who I am as a person and we've rolled with it. 

That was never more true than with Dennis. His big personality sucked you right in and he was your friend before you even knew what hit you. While expecting not to have much of a relationship with either of my FIL's, I found myself pleasantly surprised to realize that they weren't just "in-laws" they were family. My family. 

And my family is devastated over this loss.

It may sound cliché, but this is a loss that not only had we never seen coming, but also completely annihilated us. It rocked everyone of us to our core and we all feel it. No one more so than his wife and children. Because D and his siblings were never "stepchildren" to Dennis. He treated, thought of, and loved them like they were his own. And he did the same with all of us that happened to marry his children. 

My MIL lost her husband, best friend and love of her life and we all lost a father.

This past week was about celebrating his life and starting to heal as a family. People came from all over the country to say their goodbyes or share their memories and to say that our family is humbled by the outpouring of love and support that has been shown to us throughout this time, would be an understatement.

It's been hard and it's going to continue to be hard. Learning that this is your new normal after such a big loss is an overwhelming feeling. But we'll continue to go on together, and I know he'll always be hanging around watching out for us and rolling his eyes at the fact that us "kids" can't seem to keep our shit together.

We miss you, Papi. We love and adore the shit out of you and there's a giant hole in our lives now that you're no longer here. We'll continue to take care of each other and we'll keep a special eye on your honey bunny. Thank you for being the dad we all needed when we didn't even know it.

P.s... I know when we were talking to Trish on the porch this last week the only thing you could do was throw up your hands and holler "YOU KIDS ARE KILLING ME!" But, we tease out of love.

Two years with my forever Gatorbaby. ❤️🧡

It sometimes blows my mind that I've been married for two years. I tell my husband constantly that our lives together feel like forever and right now all at once. We've known each other since we were fifteen years old, but somehow, it also feels like things are brand new.

I wouldn't even know where to begin with describing the level of love and adoration I hold for that 6'3 man of mine. He's as loving as he is thoughtful and as caring as he is kind. When the man hugs me I honestly feel safe and like everything is going to be ok. He is my peace and my calm. My best friend and partner in crime. 

We do nothing without each other and when someone tells me I can't have only my husband as my bestie, I tell them to piss off. 

We get bigger together, smaller together, hell, we even get matching pimples. My BIL likes to say we're so damn adorable with each other that it's damn near disgusting. And I love that. I love that when people think of us they think of us as how we are with each other.

He's my comfort and my love. Basically, he's everything good that I have to offer the world. 

Happy Anniversary, my love. We may not be spending it like we thought we might (when do our plans ever really work out?), and we may be in a different state, but as long as I'm with you, I know we got this. You're my rock, my calm, my happiness, and the love of my life.

Here's to two and many more.

P.s... I'm gonna try to talk you into watching a scary movie and giving me some cuddles as soon as the first opportunity presents itself. You just don't know it yet. Actually, you probably do, because you know me well.

I know it died out in 1353 but... I don't know. It's shady is all I'm saying.

Dude, you would not believe the damn weekend that D and I had. 

By the time he got home from work on Friday he was so damn sick he could barely stand and had a 102° temperature. By the time I got home (about an hour after him) he was showered and in the bed curled up. I took his temp and immediately went to the store to get drinks and meds. The poor guy was miserable and I felt terrible for him. He hardly ever gets sick, so when he does, he's usually down for the count.

...Cut to Saturday evening and I started feeling like shit... followed by waking up at one o'clock in the morning thinking this is the end and having a 101.8° temp. Between the two of us we had every ill symptom you could think of... cold sweats, fever, shivers, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, body aches, fatigue. I'll tell you one thing, this flu was not fucking around but we sure as shit found out. I thought I was going to have to at least get D in the doctor at a couple points.

We mostly just stayed in bed all day Saturday and Sunday watching movies and taking meds, because we didn't have the strength to do anything else. Our pups sure loved being able to hold us down and make sure we couldn't go anywhere though. We watched some movie about the Black Plague and honestly, I thought way too long about the fact that may be what we had. I blame NyQuil.

D had to call out of work this morning, because his fever still hadn't broke completely. I managed to come into work, but I sure as shit can tell I'm running on fumes. We're both feeling better(ish), but we're drained and so damn sore.

Oh, and did I mention we're supposed to leave tomorrow evening to head down to FL so we can spend time with my MIL and help out with my FIL's Celebration of Life?

Essentially, nothing we had planned in order to prepare for our trip got accomplished. And our house is a disaster. Kind of smells like sickness in there too. I have to wash everything and Lysol/bleach the rest. I'll get to it... maybe. If I can find the strength. In other words, this all should be very interesting.

And a picture of Tayder... just because (and yes, he has a bald spot on his butt... mind your own business).

Two things that deserve their own thing but nope.

Two things happened recently that I never had the chance to mention, but felt the need to share something right quick.

#1: My little baby Solae got married. Well, she got married a couple months ago, but they had a wedding. All the pictures that were taken were by their photographer and my brother took one of me and my SIL. Other than that, I got nothing. 

#2: D and I took a road trip with his cousin, Travis, to visit his mom up on the Ohio/Michigan border. It was about a 3.5 hour drive (one way) and it was real nice. I had never been that far North, so it was new to me and I have to say, we all had fun.

That's it, that's all I got. I want to tell people more about both things, but honestly, I don't have the energy right now, so instead, I offer two pictures in the place of words.

Happy Birthday, Momma. ❤️

Did I imagine that? I had to have imagined that... right?!!

Last night, I'm pretty sure I met a serial killer... in the form of a ten year old little girl. NOW HEAR ME OUT. I know I'm usually a bit dramatic but if you were there you would 157% agree with me. This little girl was without a doubt, a teeny tiny Ted Bundy. Perhaps more of an Aileen Wuornos situation, but stressful never the less.

You ever watched Supernatural? You know when demons possess little kids and they look all cute and shit, but next thing you know they're acting dead inside and you can't find a soul when you look into their eyes? DING DING DING!!

I'm telling y'all, I talked to this little girl for like ten-fifteen minutes and there was nothing there... except you know, my ever long standing fear of having to live a live action version of Silent Hill. She seriously creeped me out to the point of high-tailing my ass into our kitchen where D and Travis were so I could feel safer. I got my pups in and locked those doors and proceeded to not go back outside for the rest of the evening including having D let the pups out later on that night.

And I'm not even sorry about it, because hell no, I'm pretty sure she wanted to devour my soul.

Sure, I may be being dramatic as hell, but you know who else they call dramatic? Every single final girl that's ever survived a horror movie. THAT'S WHO.

The more that kid talked the bigger my eyes got. I know by the time she was done I had to look like I had blue saucers on my face, because my eyes had to have been the size of plates. There's absolutely no way they weren't.

The entire reason I got sucked into this situation is because my pups being the cute little shits that they are were playing in our backyard and our neighbors grandkids ran to the fence all excited asking if they could pet them. Of course our pups were more than happy to except some lovin so off they went to get all the attention. I swear, you would think because of their size they would be a bit more intimidating.

Only the little girl stuck around to offer more ear scratches and while she was petting Sparkles the very first words out of her mouth to me were "I used to have a black and white dog like him... her name was Sugar... when they broke into our house she attacked them but he shot her five times in the stomach... I was in the other room... can you imagine what it's like to have to walk across your dead dog surrounded by her own blood just to get out of your house and to a safe one?" All while she continued to pet Sparkles and stare into the void.

COME ON. Don't get me wrong, I feel so bad for that baby. She has very clearly went through a very traumatic event in her life and very reasonably has some issues, because of it. However, I would hope her parents are aware of the legit psychological damage that's going on up there and get that baby some help. Because I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm really not, but if you could've seen this little girl while she talked about this and seen her reaction to her surroundings you would have been worried and disturbed too. 

You ever hear of those stories where a kid is perfectly normal and then something awful happens and next thing you know they have their own three-part Netflix special? This is one of those moments.

It takes alot to freak me out. ALOT. But, she managed to do it in under two minutes. She even looked at me at one point and was like, "are you crying?" and when I said no she responded with, "that's good... I don't remember what it feels like to cry... I haven't cried since I was a baby... I just can't seem to make myself no matter how hard I try."

The fuck? I high-tailed my ass inside and proceeded to tell D and Travis what she said (as they had saw me through the kitchen door talking to her) and it freaked D out to see me so freaked out. Needless to say, I was a bit on edge.

And I'm not saying they're bad people, because they're not. They're all lovely people. As nice as they can be and I adore our neighbors. Two sweet older ladies that mind their business and are friendly as they can be... but that little girl still freaked me the hell out. I hope she gets some help and grows up to be the best version of herself that she can be. I hope that she's happy and loved and lives a beautiful life. Until then though, I'm keeping our doors deadbolted and rewatching Constantine.

On that note... where's my salt?

Ich liebe dich Papi. Bis wir uns wieder treffen. Ich kümmere mich um sie. Das verspreche ich.

"I love you, Papi. Until we meet again. I'll take care of them. I promise."

This morning we received a call that we knew was coming, but had been dreading. My MIL called to let us know that my FIL had passed away at one o'clock this morning. 

He was a fantastic man that made me smile whenever he was around or would talk to me. I seriously could not have asked for a more loving and caring person to be my surrogate father and to say he took me in and loved me as his own would have been an understatement.

Because that's just the kind of man he was. He took you in and once he had you in one of those infamous bearhugs, you were a goner. A giant man whose heart was as broad as his shoulders that he felt the need to carry the weight of the world on. It didn't matter what was happening or if something negative was said, he could somehow turn it around and make you feel ok. More than ok... loved.

There are no words to describe what we're all feeling right now. Devastation. Loss. Grief. None of those seem to even touch what this is. Bafflement would be the one I would think would encompass us all the best. Mostly because none of us can quite believe that he's gone. 

Sometimes when something devastating like this happens, it almost feels selfish, because you have all these thoughts you can't seem to stop... and you're wondering if that makes you a bad person or if everyone thinks these things? Things like... How can he not be here to congratulate D and I on our second anniversary? How can he miss Christmas? Whose going to teach me random German phrases and how to cook authentic dishes from his home? Whose going to make sure my MIL is getting enough rest and tell her to calm down and take a load off? Whose going to let the kids climb all over him and laugh until he almost pees his pants? 

It's not that I think it's truly important to know all these things, it's just that I honestly don't know what to do... or think... or say.

How do I look my MIL in the eye and tell her I'm so sorry about her loss when I have my amazing husband standing next to me? How do I comfort not only her, but my husband and SIL and BIL? He was the most dad stepdad that I have ever seen in my life. Didn't matter that all of my MIL's kids were older when they got together. Didn't matter that he had never had kids in his life. Once he realized he loved her, he immediately loved her children as his own as well. And they all love him. You would honestly never know they're a blended family unless someone told you.

And now, it all feels kind of... empty. No more picking him up at the airport on work trips. No more getting random phone calls to help out with trying to surprise his wife with a special present. No more watching him cook while he tells me stories about Germany. It's just all... gone. Like that, in the blink of an eye.

My father-in-law loved not only his wife, sons, daughter, and grandchildren, but also genuinely loved me as a daughter. And quite frankly, that is a gift and feeling that can never be replaced. He can never be replaced.

I remember the first time I met him. He had flown to Indy for a work convention and D and I picked him up in the middle of the night so we could all hang out. It was not only the first time I was meeting him, but also the first time he would see our house, as he hadn't seen D since he moved to Indy. I was sitting there and a giant of a man walked over to the car. I would be lying if I said just from the sheer size of the man and his baritone voice... that I wasn't a bit intimidated. But then, he got in the car and smiled at me and I just knew it was all going to be good. He had that way... a way to make you feel at ease.

From that moment on he was family to me and I was family to him. He even made sure to wrangle as many people as he possibly could to get them here for our wedding. He did whatever he could for his family and nothing made him happier than seeing the people he truly adored be happy and taken care of. 

He was always the first one to ask me how I was doing and how work was going. He was quite essentially the father figure I never had. And while it should feel weird to say that, it feels more strange to not acknowledge it. Because it's the truth.

I can't imagine what it's going to be like moving forward without him at our side. Like with all things in life, and how he would want us to, we'll find a way to keep going, but it doesn't make the situation any less devastating and unfair. Of course, with moments like this it can all seem unfair. Because it is.

I will never understand why a good kind man had to go through something like this, and there are a million bad people out there living their lives like nothing affects them. I know you shouldn't question it, because you'll never truly find the answers you're searching for, but it doesn't make the feeling of defeat stop. Because when you lose someone you love that's exactly how you feel... defeated.

Then again, I've learned over the last three years that it doesn't really matter how much you question something, because that something is what you'll be searching for forever and never find. Therefore, while we all have a million questions, with the most prominent being "why?!" I choose to think of all the good things. It doesn't make it better, but if you're going to be thinking about it either way, you may as well remember the good instead of the terrible.

So, that's what we'll do. We'll remember and love and cherish and try. Because that's what he would've wanted. And I know that, because he made his feelings very clear.

I love you, Dennis. You're the best father-in-law a girl ever could've asked for and you will be missed more than I can ever say. You are so damn loved and I'm going to miss seeing that bright as all holy hell smile. You will never truly be gone, because your spirit and love will live on through all of us. We'll miss you and think of you always, and I truly hope you have found some form of peace. Whatever that may be. 

In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again.

That was worth taking a walk outside for... my hubby always knows.

I had barely been at work anytime this morning when D called me... I immediately thought something was wrong, because it was a random ass time of the morning, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that he just wanted to share something with me.

And that something, was the sunrise. 

As soon as I answered the phone he said, "hey sweetheart, walk outside for a minute, I want you to see something." And as soon as I walked out of our office doors, I was met with the beautifulness that was the morning sun.

Shades of purples and pink... blues and oranges. There's nothing quite as beautiful as what nature itself can do.

We stayed on the phone with each other for a minute watching the sunrise and then we went back to our daily lives. 

With life in general, work, and the stress that daily life implements, it can sometimes be hard to see the little things and even harder to truly appreciate them. When things are down, it's hard to look up and see the light.

But, my beautiful hubby, as he always seems to do for me without fail, did take a few minutes out of his day to see the beauty and he wanted to share it with me. 

And honestly, what more could a gal like me ask for? Sometimes... it really is the little things.

How the world told me I was wrong and how much I didn't give a shit.

I recently read a Buzzfeed article that had adults explaining the "childish" things they still do or enjoy and how they no longer feel bad about them as society would want. 

I have to say, it was refreshing to know I'm not the only person out there that enjoys random things or feels like a kid at heart. At the age of thirty-two, I feel no different than I have my entire life. Well, not not different, but you know what I mean. I still think I can do all the things I have always done... even though my left knee would disagree, tell me to shut the fuck up, and sit down.

NO KNEE. YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOB. DO IT. AND BE A KNEE.

This got me thinking about things in my life that people said I couldn't do, I would have to grow out of, or they think I should change because it's just not "normal." You know what I say to that? Normal is overrated and with my mental health not likely. 

Speaking of mental health, remember when I said I was really working on mine and felt that I'm still learning myself and evolving into who I actually am? Well, I felt this was a good way to put out there some of the strange things about me that other people deem inappropriate, but I couldn't care less about. Why? Because it makes me happy or brings me peace.

And that, my friend, is something money can never buy.

Our bed is in our living room. And people fucking hate it. Not everyone, most people don't give a shit, because you would quite literally never know unless we/someone has told you or you've been in our house. And let's just say, we don't have a plethora of visitors. So, the majority of people that know have heard it through the grapevine. 

Honestly, it all started with Momma. She used to have to sleep in the living room, because the only place she could get comfortable was the chair and I slept on the couch in case she needed help throughout the night so I could hear her and get to her quickly. After she passed away, I tried going back to sleeping in the bedroom, but found myself with extreme bouts of insomnia or at times when I could sleep, sleepwalking, and somehow I always ended up in the living room. 

It wasn't purposeful and I wasn't thinking about it, but it was like instinct (or perhaps, habit) told me that's where I should be. I would wander all night long or D would simply find me standing in the middle of our living room staring off into space and try to coax me back to bed. 

After about a month of this he decided that if I couldn't sleep in a bedroom then he would bring the bedroom to me. He pulled our damn mattress into the living room, laid me down, covered me up and played with my hair until I fell asleep. 

That was the first night I slept for more than an hour in a very long time.

Since then it has become something in our lives that we both are fond of and seems to work for us. I like to think of our house (on the inside) as set up like an old school cabin. Quite a few people I grew up with had this type of situation going on. Homes were small and the cabins tend to have the living room/bedroom combined with a kitchen, bathroom, and perhaps a small "guest" room off to the side. That's it, because that's all you would need. I assume growing up with that has made me accepting of it. And I would be lying if I said my ultimate dream wasn’t to live in a tiny cabin (like our house) in the middle of the mountains surrounded by nature and calmness.

I miss living in BFE and the peacefulness of it all. I miss living in the mountains up hills and down hollers. D also misses living in the middle of nowhere. Even though he grew up close to Orlando, he lived in the "off" version of it or what some would call, the "country" part. Now we both live dead ass in the middle of the city and we make the most of it. 

So yes, our setup is a little unorthodox, but it works for us and we're not changing a damn thing about it anytime soon. Maybe never. Why? Because it's our house and we can live in it any which way we choose.

Howard- my forever comfort item. I have had the same teddy bear since the day I was born and I sometimes still sleep with him. When I'm sick, when I'm sad, sometimes for absolutely no reason at all other than I just feel like I need him. I take him on all of our roadtrips... because well, what if we get stuck somewhere for the rest of our lives and I don't have him with me? Dramatic as always, but it's what goes on in my head.

He's looking a little worse for wear these days, but then again, aren't we all? He's been around the same thirty-two years as me and he's been through alot. And I do mean alot, because he went everywhere with me as a child... as a teenager... and now as a fully grown adult. He's not a clean white anymore... more dingy than anything. He's been sewn up throughout the years and one of his eyes had to be replaced with a button (thanks to the beginnings of me and Tayder's journey together). However, he never fails to comfort me and make me feel like it's all going to be ok. It's not, but he has a way of comforting me like no other inanimate object can. He's like my forever security blanket... without being a legitimate blanket. If that makes sense? 

Frankly, I don't care if people find me childish for still keeping him around. It doesn't bother anyone and it affects no one's life. Does that stop others from having an opinion on it? Never. Do I give a shit? Also, never.

I wear my boots (or stay barefoot) pretty much everywhere no matter the occasion. There are exceptions of course. I tend to not wear them when I have to dress up for a funeral or something, but mostly, I'm in my boots... or barefoot. I know, I know. Walking around barefoot is one of the worst things you can do... at least, if I believe every single person throughout my childhood and adult life that's what you're supposed to know. Like an unwritten rule?

Clearly, I've never gotten the memo and even if I did, I would ignore it. I've never been one of those girls obsessed with shoes. I have a shit ton of them, more than I'll ever need, but they're gifts from people throughout the years and I would feel horrible about throwing them out. Say what you will, but when someone gives me a gift, whether it be a hand me down or brand new, it feels special. They took their time and thought of me and that means something.

Then again, it could be my compulsive hoarding. I don't hoard to the point of needing to be on a reality television show, but to say I have more random things than I'll ever need would be an understatement. What can I say? I'm sentimental like that.

I had one of my aunts tell me that you're supposed to "retire" your shoes after 300 miles. Bless her, I don't think the nurse in her will ever go away. And I love that. She didn't mention it to be mean or really even call me out, she just worries about my health from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

But, for every person that cares there's three more trying to bring you down. And I don't feel the need to listen to those people. The way I look at it, my toes are adorable and my boots make me feel like me, so they're not going anywhere. People don't like it? They don't have to look... there's a whole world out there they're more than free to stare at.

I don't clean house how I was raised to. This one is something that even I've had to come to terms with myself. You see, Momma (and ALL of her sisters) were/are very particular about their houses. Everything has a particular spot where it belongs and you sweep, mop, dust, and vacuum every single day. There are very few exceptions to this "rule" and we were all raised to be the same. Isn't it funny how that works? I didn't grow up around my cousins and our lives were so damn different, but there are some things that remained the same. I suppose passed down from generation through generation. My Grammy was the same way about her house, so I'm assuming that's where it comes from.

And I was raised that way. I don't think it was ever intentional and she would never ever make me feel bad about myself in any way, but I was led to believe that if you didn't keep your house like this everyday, it meant that you were a gross person. And yes, while I think sometimes that may very well be true, I also don't necessarily think your house needs to be spotless for you to be a clean person.

Our house is clean, but it is also lived in. I don't sweep and mop the floors everyday and I see no reason why I should have heart failure if I have two loads of laundry instead of washing every single day. Dusting? HA! I spot dust to the best of my abilities on my good days and all the other days I say fuck off. 

I simply don't care that there's some dog hair on my furniture (it's their house too and they are allowed on all of the furniture) or that my bathroom rugs don't match. I don't care that I choose to do laundry once a week or every other week instead of daily. I don't care that clean dishes stay in the dish drainer instead of being put in the cabinet or that the blanket on our bed may be crooked. And I seriously don't care if anybody likes it.

Our house is comfortable. It is very us and I find a sort of peace within. I think that's what your home should feel like. Who gives a shit what it looks like to other people? Sure, I would hate for my house to be a gross disaster and have company over, but it never gets to that point. It's not really "dirty" its just not spotless. Between my hoarding and D's OCD its cluttered, but nice. Serene even.

I struggled with this. When I was in the deepest pits of my depression our house could've been a hole in the ground surrounded by mucky water and I wouldn't have cared. It never did, but it could've. I felt extreme guilt with not cleaning my house like Momma would've done it or I would've done it for her. I thought something was severely wrong with me and I was a disgusting person for not adhering to those rules.

And then one day I realized something. I realized that I'm fucking grown and I make my own rules. There's quite literally no one that can tell me I'm not doing it right, because even if they did, I wouldn't listen. I became ok with not living by the rules and structures that were presented to me throughout my entire life. I felt guilt over it, sometimes still do, but I've accepted that this is just who I am as a person. I want my house clean, but I also want to enjoy it. And quite frankly, I don't want to live my life adhering to the way someone else thinks it should be. Therefore, you don't like my house? Yeah, well, chances are you weren't invited anyways.

Children. People are forever asking D and I when we're going to reproduce. Once we tell people we have no intention of spawning little demon offspring, they immediately begin with the reasoning behind why we should. 

"Ooohhhh... but you guys would make the most gorgeous babies ever!" We know.

"You'll change your mind eventually, everybody wants kids!" No, we don't. We love our nieces and nephews and friends children, but we prefer our furbabies.

"But if you don't have children, whose going to take care of you when you're old?" I don't know, hopefully ourselves and each other. Are y'all seriously having kids just so someone will be around to take care of you when you're old?

"Babies are such a blessing! There's nothing like motherhood in the entire world!! I can't imagine life without children." Yes, they are. I'm sure there isn't. I wouldn't want you to. Doesn't mean I want any crotch goblins of my own flitting about.

As a woman, you're made to feel inferior or like something is clinically wrong with you if you don't desire to be a mother. I used to think there was something wrong with me too. I've just never felt that motherly instinct or pull. My husband likes to tell me that even though I'm not a human's mother, I am still our pups mother and I have good motherly instincts. Then again, he also tells me I'm gorgeous and don't look a day over seventeen, so the jury's out on whether or not to believe him on that one.

My MIL also tells me I have those instincts. She didn't say it to try and coax me to have children (probably the only MIL on the planet that actually adores her DIL's and thinks they should make their own decisions and live their lives how they see fit), but she said it in a way that made me feel nice. She let me know that even if I don't have my own children I love and treat those around me like a mother would. Caring, giving, loving, supportive. She makes me sound much cooler than I actually am.

And that's good enough for me. I truly believe some people were born to be mothers and others aren't. Just like I believe some people are born to create wonderful music and others aren't. There are people meant for certain things and others for different things. My mother was absolutely born to be a mother. There's no way to convince me otherwise. She quite literally did it all for my brother and I, going and doing without so we wouldn't. 

But, that's just not me. I will give you the shirt off my back, but don't ask me to reproduce, because no. And maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe there is. But you know what? I'm ok with that too. Because I would rather have someone think something is seriously wrong with me than make decisions in my life based off of another's opinion.

Fuck that.

So, there you have it. Not nearly everything I could say or call out, but the major things that people seem to have a problem with. That's ok though, because as I always heard growing up, if they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone.

And I'm telling y'all. Peace. Of. Mind.

2022 films. (Part II).

I do this thing at times, where I separate the movies I've watched and kind of update people on which movies/shows that I would recommend. I'm not sure why I fall out of the habit of it sometimes... probably has something to do with the fact that my attention span is that of a ferret on methamphetamine, but alas, here we are. We'll see where it goes from here.

I also figured that I would let people play a little catchup from back in the day:

Catch up from 2016.
Catch up from 2017: Part I, Part II, Part III.

Catch up from 2018: Part I, Part II.
Catch up from 2018/2019: Part I, Part II, Part III.

Catch up from 2020: Part I.  

Catch up from 2021: Part I, Part II. 

Catch up from 2022: Part I.

May's films: Candyman(2021), The Lost City, Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins, Firestarter(2022), Jackass 4.5, Borrego, Fistful of Vengeance.

My favorite: There were sooo many good ones this time around too. Seriously, I loved almost all of them, but I'm going to go with.... The Lost City. Sandy B and Channing T had me rolling and D and I almost peed ourselves from laughing so hard! Least favorite of the month: None were bad this time around, but my least favorite of them all would have to be.... Fistful of Vengeance. It was still real good, just not as hilarious as the others.

May's rewatched from years gone by: Con Air, The Mummy(1999).

June's films: Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, Ambulance, Dog(2022), The Man from Toronto.

My favorite: Holy hell, so many cute and/or good ones to choose from this go around (even though I've mostly been obsessed with Stranger Things 4 recently), but I'm going with.... The Man from Toronto. And I'm going with that one for the simple reason of it being absolutely hilarious. Least favorite of the month: This one was by far harder to pick than a favorite, but I'm going with.... Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore. I don't know what it is, I just can't seem to get immersed in the Fantastic Beasts movies. Which is strange considering how much I love Harry Potter and it's the same world?

June's rewatched from years gone by: The Mummy Returns.

July's films: Uncharted, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Jurassic World: Dominion, Morbius.

My favorite: Honestly, can we all just admit that the Jurassic Park movies are a good time no matter what? Seriously, it's just a given and you give me Jeff Goldblum?! COME ON. But, I'm taking those both out of the running, because I can.... Morbius. Don't get me wrong, it was weird and crazy and the others were super good, but there was something about this ridiculous movie. Personally, I think it didn't do well with the whole bat infection/pandemic situation, but that's neither here nor there. Least favorite of the month: I didn't think it was bad, I actually really like it.... Uncharted. I would definitely tell people who like adventure/treasure movies to give this one a go. It kind of reminded me of The Goonies too, which we all know I was more than onboard with.

July's rewatched from years gone by: Clerks II.

August's films: Spiderhead, The Marksman, The Mist, Natural Born Killers, SAS: Rise of the Black Swan, The Transporter Refueled, Dayshift, Honest Thief, Survive the Night, Transporter 2, Transporter 3, Elvis, Ultimate Justice, Me Time, Dope, Secret Headquarters, Line of Duty, Night Hunter.

My favorite: There were quite a few good ones to choose from this time around but I'm gonna go with... Dayshift. Say what you will but Jamie Foxx has it going on and is fucking hilarious. So, definitely watch it and a few of these others. Least favorite of the month: I don't even have to think about this one... Ultimate Justice. Not only was the movie hard to follow and not all that great to begin with, the chances of myself or my husband finishing a movie with a rape scene in it is slim. It just makes us both super uncomfortable and it's beyond cringy. I just can't do it. We tried to push through until then and at that point we had all but give up and switched it immediately. I think we made it about twenty minutes? I'm not sure though.

August's rewatched from years gone by: This Is The End, The Wolf of Wall Street, Dredd, Red Dawn, MIB: Men in Black, MIIB: Men in Black 2, MIB3: Men in Black 3, Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen, Independence Day, 12 Rounds, 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded.

Tv series I've finished: Ink Master (season11-13), Grace and Frankie (season7), Help! I'm in a Secret Relationship (season1), Stranger Things (season4), The Kardashians (season1), Alone (season1-3, 9), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season1-8), Deep Fried Dynasty (season1).

Stand-up I've finished: Katt Williams: World War III, Pete Davidson Presents The Best Friends, Jane Fonda & Lily Tomlin Ladies Night Live.

Documentaries I've Finished: Our Father, Girl In The Picture.

Books I've Finished: His Burning Desire: Devils Hitman MC Book #1 (Sarah_Knight_), Dirty Little Secret (Sarah_Knight_), The Beauty of the Beast (Sarah_Knight_), The Tatted Psycho (Katastrophic_Kitty), To Be Yours (thequeenslushie), Falling for his Nanny (jj31030), Don't Lose Hope (Ellie_N82), His Shy Sphinx (Zondra_Allison), His Second Chance (dreammcatcher), The Mechanic's Basement (Dmshockley), Alice (Jayde_J1), The Moon Goddesses Oversight (gooseda12), Rejecting the Rejected (mgm-22), Falling for the Gangleader (Jules007), My Dark Mate (Fox3797), The Barbarian's Girl (Moonlight_Bee), Warmth (Meraki_Kri), For You, Mate (winterdecemberevery), Waking the Beast (madimuffin1), Away With You (Eliza63_), Stay With You (Eliza63_), Hybrid's Possession: Possessive Alpha's Book 1 (wolfgirltilly8914), Werewolves Surrender: Possessive Alpha's Book 2 (wolfgirltilly8914), Leaders and Lavender (LittleOne1792), Raven (Silverspages), Stolen (parttimesinnerslut), My Loving Stalker (cherry_cola_46), The Mistress of Magic (AmandeepKaur654), Amor Enim Bellum (shankm), My Protector (Katastrophic_Kitty), The Tattoo Artist (Mafiabooks), His Little Rosie (AutumnWoods14), Bodyguard (lone_noodles), Cold Blood Beast (loualou19), My Prison Pen Pal (rosegoldbitchass), Reaper: Devil's Rose MC #1 (DustyBooks16), Alpha: Devil's Rose MC #3 (DustyBooks16), Poison: Devil's Rose MC #4 (DustyBooks16).

Country roads take me home... to the place... I BELLLOONNNGGGG!!!

We had to make a trip to good ole GA last Thursday for D's grandmas funeral. While it was a sad occasion, we decided to try and make the best of it. Sure, it was emotional and devastating for the family, but everyone came together to say their goodbyes and it was nice.

We even got to spend a little time with D's dad (Kerry Dale) and cousin (Travis). 

The funeral was in D's great grandad's hometown in GA, and when I tell you that the church/cemetery we laid Carol Ann to rest in was in BF GA, I am not exaggerating. We drove so far out that even I was like, umm... did we take a wrong turn somewhere? 

Damn, I miss living in the middle of nowhere.

We stayed at Little Ocmulgee and honestly, I so wanted to swipe the vanity mirror from that bathroom. Seriously, that thing was huge and had amazing lighting and if D hung it in our bathroom just right, I could have it for my entire body. He's probably not going for it, because then I'll be obsessed with staring at everything in HD and he'd rather not have to deal with that nonsense. 

*that seems fair to me, but also, I want that damned ole mirror*

On the way home, we decided to trail Travis so the three of us could spend some time together and hit up a few sites. We all agreed that the scenic route through TN was the way to go and I for one was super excited for D to see the places I got to grow up with and in.

It was nice to show my hubby where his wife came up and get to see the wonderment on his face while we were traveling through those mountains. I swear, there is nothing like home to me. Say what you will, but I wouldn't have wanted to be raised any other place and come retirement, God willing and the creeks don't rise, that's where our happy asses are planning retirement.

Because I want to go back to the peacefulness that is the country and spend the rest of my life with the person I love living a calm and utterly devoted to each other kind of life. 

Until then though, we're rolling with our Southside Indy lives and making the most of it. 

We stopped by Fall Creek Falls to do some hiking (that the pups LOVED by the way... even though they almost wiped me and D out on the side of a mountain) and you know we couldn't pass up the scenic overlook. 

There was even a suspension bridge that I crossed solo, because my hubby is petrified of heights and his cousin wasn't having any of it either.

Our trip ended up being about four extra hours, but it was worth it to make all those stops and get to spend that time and do those things with D. With everything happening within his side of the family, things are a little bit on edge and scary, so any time we get the chance to spend some quality time and I get him to relax, even for a little, is more than worth it to me. We even found out his cousin lives about 15-20 minutes from us and I think he'll get to finally have someone around from his side to hang out with. Which I know he is looking forward to (we stopped by his house after we got back to Indy to hang out).

So yeah, it was an extended weekend for horrible circumstances, but we tried to make the best of it. And any day that my hubby smiles is a damn good day to me.

The best advice I could possibly give you. (I think?)

If someone were to ask me what is the best piece of advice I have to hand out (you know with all of the divine wisdom I have accrued throughout my thirty-two years) I would simply have to tell them to marry their hype man. 

My hype man is a 6'3 blonde with big ole blue eyes and a kind soul that speaks to me. There's not a single person on this planet that makes me feel as good, builds me up near as much, or makes me feel half as amazing as what he does.

So, I married him.

And let me tell you this.... while I was dead set on never getting married (and was not quiet about it in the slightest).... it is honestly one of the greatest decisions I have ever made in my life. Seriously, the only time I've ever had to eat crow and didn't think it tasted all that bad.

I don't care if your hype man is man, woman, or non-binary. I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or orange. I don't care if you come from different walks of life or you think you're undeserving. 

I'm telling you right damn now, if you find that person and they love you half as much as what I adore my husband, marry that motherfucker right now. 

Life is too short to wait around for what ifs.

My anxiety and ADHD are coexisting and causing chaos.

Please ignore the amount of crap behind me. That is all the stuff I use for crafting (ie: spray painting anything I can get my grubby little paws on) and yes, a fair amount of trash. Mostly cardboard, because we forgot to pull trash out for one week and somehow that broke down to having six weeks worth of it? I'm not sure, the math doesn't add up to me either.

Instead, focus on the behemoth that I'm holding in my hand.... in other words, our mint plant. Well, one of many. Pretty impressive, right?

NO?!!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!!?!

FINE. It was a nice little distraction though, right? The truth is, things have been a little chaotic lately. Not necessarily in my everyday life (except my little Tayder buddy hasn't got as much spring in his step as he used to and I'm worried about him constantly), but with everything going on in D's family right now. We're driving down to GA on Thursday for his Gma's funeral (that's on Friday morning) and that's not even a chip off the salt block. Honestly, I can't even go into the rest of it.

Because it's hard and sad and frustrating and about a million other conflicting emotions.

Instead, I have been doing any and all that I can to distract myself and keep my husband sane. That's the healthy way to deal with things, right? Truth be told, I'm still new to this whole accepting that I'm a human being that has feelings and that's perfectly ok thing. It's been a learning curve and to say that I struggle with my mental health every day would be an understatement.

Things can be going well or bad and the state of my mental health is always up for debate. At least, in my own head it is. And I don't mean I feel "crazy" or "sick" or something. I'm simply saying, I learn more things about myself every single day and it's a constant battle to keep up.

So, sometimes my house or yard looks like the inside of my head feels and you know what I've learned from that? It's ok. It really is. If I feel better painting my hubby's bike with him then I do folding six loads of laundry, then guess what's happening?

And if we're all just getting down to the real nitty gritty here? Whatever we do or how we live or choose to spend our time is our own fucking business. No one else's. So yeah, there's a million things happening and it feels like it's all piling up, but that's why we have each other. We'll find a way.... together.

But seriously, THAT MINT PLANT THOUGH.

This opportunity may be too good to pass up.

I feel like I should start off by saying that I am an avid horror fan. Everyone that's ever met me knows this and I make it a point to be surrounded by the creepy more often than not. Call it what you will, but I just call it my thing. I'm not morbid or anything like that (probably?), but you would not believe some of the shit I actually believe in.

Demons, ghosts, witchcraft, exorcisms... the list goes on. But, stops shortly before unicorns, because apparently that's where my ridiculous mind draws the line? Yes, I believe people can practice and cast with voodoo, but not in a horse with a horn growing out of his head that shits glitter and rainbows.

I know, I know.

It's a little bit ridiculous, but honestly, I gave up trying to understand my mind long ago and instead decided to embrace it to its fullest extent. Eccentricism, outlandishness, quirks and all. I just let it do its own thing.

While my husband adores the fact that I'm a tad insane (life would be boring without it, right?), he absolutely does not like horror. As in, can't stand it and absolutely hates watching anything associated with it. I didn't know this about him until after we were married, because he's always watched things like that with me in the past.

He informed me it was because he was trying to get and/or keep me, and that he enjoyed watching me enjoy it so much. But, now that we're married, he is far more vocal about his distaste for such things. Not that that stops me from watching or him from joining me, but he also doesn't let me forget how much he hates it the entire time.

And I do mean the ENTIRE time.

While I try not to make him watch too much crazy with me I would be lying if I said sometimes I am just in one of my moods and need a little horror movie in my life so I pop it on in any event. He grumbles his displeasure, but eventually gets sucked in and is just as invested as me.

Honestly, I don't think he detests horror as much as he claims too. Except possessed children. You know, like the Exorcist? Yeah, he definitely hates those as much as he insists he does. But, the rest? Not so much, Like, he'll watch Halloween with me and American Horror Story (although not nearly as invested in it as I am), but if you put a kid on that screen that is cracking all weird and eyes/mouth is acting all demonic? Forget it, he's averting his eyes and moving on like it never happened.

Essentially the same thing I would do if I saw something like that in real life. Because ignorance is bliss and I ain't trying to get haunted for eternity.

Every now and then though, he'll voluntarily watch an actual horror movie with me. He knows from the start and will just accept that he's going to be spending the rest of his life with a nutcase and rolls with it. Honestly, it's just one more thing on the long list of why I adore and love him.

During moments like this, I try to take advantage of the opportunity without actually trying to take advantage of his kindness. I figure if he's good enough to watch something he "hates" with me, the least I can do is find something that won't be absolutely terrifying. (I save those for when it's just me and the pups).

Usually, it's some form of slasher flick, but I learned a few weeks ago that there's one horror movie in particular that he's never seen and/or heard of and I immediately wanted to sit him down right next to me and watch him watch it. 

You may be wondering what movie that is and let me tell you... The Mist.

YES. "That" Stephen King movie with the distressing ending that people are always on the fence about.

He not only has never seen it, but knows absolutely nothing about it and I have literally never in my life met anyone that knows utterly nothing about this book/movie, so to say I was floored would be an understatement. This would be my very first opportunity to see someone's legitimate reaction to this movie. In fact, I may never get this chance again.

With that being said, I think I have to figure out a way to watch this with him as soon as possible before my excitement gets the best of me and he feels the need to Google about it and spoil all the fun. I'm almost 100% sure I know what his reaction is going to be, but I still can't wait to see it. 

UPDATE: So... we watched the movie. And apparently I had never seen it before in my life. I had seen the last like twenty minutes of it, but never the movie in its entirety. We were a good fifteen or so minutes in before I realized this, but by that time we were invested. And let me just say, it did not disappoint and I'm super happy we watched it for the first time together.