I drove home from the airport alone while it was pitch black (not the movie).

This past Thursday, D's mom and nephew (he's five) flew in for a visit. We got to pick them up from the airport about 7:30 in the evening (after working all day and trying to clean the house/mow the grass/go to the grocery store after we got off, but before we picked them up.... we were down to the wire I tell you!) and I had to take them to the airport by 5:30 yesterday morning.

D was supposed to go to the airport with us, but that sleepyhead didn't want to wake up and I am not about to have that argument.... this time.

So, onwards we went and while Trish (D's mom) was real worried about me driving home from the airport by myself with it being as dark as it was, I made it with minor mishaps (interstates being closed are life ruiners) and now I am here to tell the tale.

Or, something like that.

It was a nice weekend and we all had a fun time. While I'm coming back from having three days in a row off, I feel like I haven't slept and have been going for two weeks straight? But, that could just be my mental health trying to restabilize itself from having a five year old at the house (we rarely, if ever, have visitors, let alone kids.... Gabby isn't even hardly there!).

Friday we went out for breakfast, ran to get Brei some toys, and hung around the house for the rest of the evening. We even had a movie night (The Last Airbender.... how have I not seen this before and why aren't they making its sequel?).... after D started a spray paint fight that I more than kicked his ass in and then took my victory lap. Saturday we stopped off to get a little Mickey D's and then headed downtown to the canal and rented a paddle boat for a bit. It was fun and while it was hot on Saturday, it felt nice being on the water. Then we went home and proceeded to play a card game called Phase10 (it's real fun, but harder than you would think!).... that is, after we had all indulged in some drinks.

Speaking of drinks, we all indulged in them both Friday and Saturday and our menu for the time was delicious. Thursday after the airport consisted of shepherd's pie. Friday consisted of tacos. And Saturday was all about the spicy chicken wings and asparagus. I'm really surprised D didn't make ribs, but we'll just have that next time.

Oh, and I tried Bloody Mary's for the first time. While they aren't and won't be my first drink of choice, they were also tastier than what I thought they were going to be. Afterall, I had a bad experience with "red beer" once, so to say I was a bit apprehensive would be an understatement.

There were some good laughs and some meaningful talks and I met my "new" nephew (he's five, but new to me since he's D's nephew). It was pretty easy to adore him like I adore Gabby since his mom is and always has been the best little sister I never had. We all laughed, cried, and had some real moments. Both sad and happy. Even Greg got to partake. He had to work, so he didn't get to spend the days with us, but he was around for the afternoons/evenings.

Trish listened to me about Momma and she told me about her life and we both shared about D. All in all, I don't know if it could've went better.

It was definitely worth all of that stressing to get the house finished (well, the living room/kitchen that we've been working on since March) and while cleaning up that back bedroom was a nightmare, I'm glad it was ready so they could have their own sleeping space/room and be comfortable. And while I have to clean the house (again! it's a never ending battle when you live with all dudes) after I get off of work today, I'm hoping to have leftovers for dinner and maybe relax and catch a shark movie tonight. Maybe some good ole pup cuddles and a well-deserved shower soak.

With that being said, I need to go sleep for six weeks. Please, excuse me. (Ps: they were totally worth getting up at 4:30am for).

We're so close.... and yet so far away.... but so damn close.

Remember those pesky home renovations that I've been talking about for the last few months? Well, they're still in full effect and at this point, I may in fact pull my hair out by the roots.

The only benefit of living in a house that you're also doing work in is the fact that you can break when you want to and shower whenever you need to. (Unless of course, you're remodeling the bathroom.... which we're not doing right now TFG!!) The pains in the asses outweigh the good, but then again, we do what we can and leave the rest for another day.

With all of that being said, this weekend was rather productive.

We finally finished painting our kitchen (with the exception of the ceiling), got the backsplash completed (and before you ask, yes we used tiny tile samples and it's weird, but that's what we were going for), cleaned off the top of our cabinets and put shelf liner on the top (to make it easier to clean, because we have metal cabinets and they are a bitch to scrub clean once there's that much "gunk"), got half of our cabinets painted, and I repainted one living room wall and its trim.

Our house is weird and dark, but also colorful and completely insane to the point no one else would want it, but that's what we're going for. We didn't want something "normal" we wanted something "us." And oh man, is that what we're getting.

The cabinets are silver, blue, brown, and white. The backsplash is about every color you could think of. Our floor is two-toned with red and dark brown, and our walls are navy blue. All the trim is charcoal, and the ceiling, once we get around to it, will be black. In other words, there's alot going on.

And that's just our kitchen.

We also cleaned off the top of the cabinets where we have a few cookie jars (Momma's), odd knick-knacks, and old liquor bottles and threw away the liquor bottles that we had duplicate (or more) of. You know what I learned from this experience? We may in fact have a drinking problem. But, in the words of Dennis Reynolds, what do you do with that kind of information? You bury it way deep down and keep an eye on it.

Our living room is blue-grey and green with charcoal trim and it also has a black ceiling. Well, technically right now one wall is also red, but I'll be painting that when I get off of work today.

The living room is also our bedroom and that in and of itself is weird, but we don't care. Like I said, we go with what we like/want and it all works for us just the way we like it.

If you're wondering why it's the sudden surge of getting all of this done, it's because D would like to have it completed (at least the majority of it) by the time his mom and nephew come to visit.... I pick them up at the airport on Thursday night. Yeah, so we officially have three and a half days to finish painting the living room (three walls), finish the trim work, paint the kitchen ceiling (and touch up the living room), and paint the remaining cabinets. Oh, and hang the spice rack that Devon built.... and finish staining/clear coating the one piece of kitchen floor and the remaining counter. And, all of this is being done after we get off of work, so you know, fun times. We also need to clean the back bedroom and the rest of the house to get it all ready for company (we don't have company often, so it throws me off when we do), and I need to do laundry.

On the bright side, since his mom and nephew are coming for a visit, not only is the never-ending battle of redecorating/ renovating that's been driving me crazy being accomplished, but I'm also off on Friday (three day weekend!)

So, you know, there's that. *silver-lining*

I love our new bed.... but it would be better if only I could sleep (in general).

I woke up at about 1:00 yesterday morning with the most intense pain shooting through my head.

And, it wasn't a headache kind of pain (I'm prone to migraines, so I'm pretty well versed in what an actual headache is), but a legit searing pain that was shooting straight through my head. It actually got to the point that I was sitting up in our bed, holding my head, and rocking back and forth. I took some ibuprofen and even that didn't help (usually that can cut any pain of mine fairly quickly), and eventually around 1:30 I had to get up and get in our shower to let the water beat down on my head.

It helped a little and since it was making me feel sick at my stomach, I figured it was a decent idea to be near the bathroom in the event of upchucking all previous matters.

There for awhile though, I thought I was gonna have to wake D up. I'm not sure what I thought he could do about it or what that would accomplish, but I thought about it for a minute.

Finally, once I had let the shower beat my head for awhile, I laid back down in the bed in front of the fan and tried to go back to sleep. I know this sounds weird, but every time I don't feel "good", whether it be my head, stomach etc., I always take a shower and then lay down in front of the fan and try to get myself as cold as possible. For some reason, the colder I get, the better I tend to feel and it's been like that for as long as I can remember. Apparently my body accepts cold far better than it does heat.

And yeah, I know that's insane, but it's the facts.

Other than that, I just can't seem to fall asleep/stay asleep. And it's not the bed, because it's incredibly comfortable. Not to mention, I love the fact that all five of us (Me + D + our three pups) fit in it perfectly. But, it's me. I've always had issues with sleeping, but it's been months now since I fell asleep at a decent hour and slept through the night. In fact, it's been so long, I honestly don't even remember when the last time was.

But, even though I can't sleep (something I have to tell my doctor about when I see her next month, because she wants an honest update on "how I'm doing/feeling"), at least I have a nice comfy bed to lay in surrounded by this cuteness while I watch tv.

My nervous breakdown was temporarily averted for another day.

Y'all, it's amazing what the combination of wine/vodka, antidepressants, dogs, and a clean house can do for your mood.

I kid.... mostly. But, I did feel like I was about to have a catastrophic mental break yesterday and I was completely worn out. I seriously didn't think I was going to be able to do anything, let alone a list of things, but I forced myself with everything that I had to at the very least clean my disgusting clusterf*ck of a house, because I'm pretty sure that's where 93% of my anxiety was coming from. You know, for yesterday at least, because every day there's a new thing that gives me anxiety attacks.

Oh, what fun it is.

So yeah, as soon as I got off of work yesterday I headed straight to the house and started cleaning as soon as I walked in the door, because I knew if I sat down for even a minute I would lose all momentum and that's not something that comes easily to me these days. And when D got home, he started right in on helping me. Even my brother helped here and there and that's basically unheard of.

I had the kitchen, bathroom, etc. done by the time they got there and they helped me with the living room and the back bedroom. So now, when the guys deliver our bed today, it will fit and be surrounded by cleanliness. I'm even almost caught up on laundry, I have to wash the new sheet/comforter that I got for our bigger bed and then one to two more loads and it's all done.

And sure, there's still an endless list of shit that has to be done (like finishing the paint/trim/backsplash in the kitchen, repaint two walls/finish trim in the living room, mow the front yard/clean up the weeds, give the pups another bath, get the back room ready for company, figure out what's going on with our electric in the kitchen, etc.), and I can barely move and stay awake today, let alone function (it's not going well and I may very well pass out or sit on the couch and not be able to move the rest of the night), but wins are so few and far between these days that I'll take what I can get.

That my friends, is where I am. Not well, but not as bad in the nervous breakdown department today.

Honestly though, give it time, it's definitely coming.... possibly even later on today. The way I feel these days, I never know when it's going to happen and while it's frustrating and terribly inconvenient, it's my life now.

This picture was taken Sunday evening post kitchen painting/precleaning.

My house is a mess and I may or may not have a nervous breakdown.

To say that my house is a giant clusterf*ck right now would be the understatement of the century. Seriously, it's that damn bad.

Between living with two boys and three dogs and the fact that I have no motivation to clean, it almost looks like an episode of Hoarders up in there. And while I want it clean, and I need it clean, I can't seem to build up the momentum to actually do shit about it. I know that sounds horrible, but it's just the truth.

We painted our kitchen yesterday and while it's mostly completed, it to feels like a never ending task. Yes, I love the color and am happy that my walls are no longer covered in flat paint, but there's still a little painting left to do, the trim work, and the backsplash. So yeah, there's that.

But, I can't finish that this evening, because when I get home I have to rearrange furniture and try like hell to clean, because we have a bed being delivered tomorrow around 4:00. We currently have a full size bed, but I'm one of those people that likes their dogs to sleep with them, so we are upgrading to a king size.

And apparently D has lost his wallet somewhere in the house that I have taken to calling the pit of despair. So, we have to look for that too. *scratch that, apparently he found it in our backyard? don't ask* Oh, and the outlets in my kitchen are still not functioning even though they have been replaced. Extension cords are now a never-ending part of my life now, I guess?

I've also decided that we should repaint the red walls in our living room a different color (I'm thinking maybe a dark green?), because you can see the lines real bad and it's just not covering like it should. Add that to the f*cking list.

Basically, I'm just writing this to vent and complain and list out all the shit that I have to do that needs done asap and try to figure out where I will get all of this motivation from. All I can say about that is good luck to myself and hope for the best.

Yeah.... that's where I am with it.

July 4th fell on a Thursday.... and we're all pretty blah about it.

No one wanted to come into work this morning.

And I'm not just talking at my job, I'm talking about across the US. In fact, I found the perfect response to people asking me how my fourth was. I loved it so much, in fact, that I printed it off and I'll be hanging it on the back of my computer at work:

My day off was good.
My 4th was good.
Saw some fireworks. They were good.
Ate some hotdogs. Also good.
Please stop making small talk with me,
my life is an endless tunnel of pain and
you're not helping.

Even though I ate nachos instead of hotdogs, the sentiment remains the same.

Instead of going down for a cookout like we have for years (I wasn't feeling like it and don't enjoy doing all of the same things that Momma and I used to do together, it's just not the same and I don't feel right about it), I decided to stay home for the 4th.

Devon and I ran to the store to pick up stuff for homemade nachos and a few little fireworks and then I spent the day burrowed into my cave with my pups (and of course D) binge-watching the third season of Stranger Things (and OMG y'all!! it was soooooo good!).

We stayed in our fort like this all day (#noregrets) and then around 9:45 last night Bubba and I set off fireworks and we watched the firework show downtown (you can see it from our backyard) for a few minutes and then we all went to bed (well, I showered and then went to bed), where I did get some pretty good pup snuggles last night (Spart isn't a fan of all the noise that was going down outside).

We were all in bed by 11:30, because as I said.... America was independent yesterday, but had to show up for work today.